Friendships in Cyberspace

How can you like someone so much, feel so close to them, when you haven’t ever met them?

The cyber world is amazing. I have met such amazing people since I have gone online looking for support and people who get it.

I am not a big huggy kissy social person who is BF’s with every one, I get on with most people (humour helps), but I don’t become involved easily. And yet, I’ve met people online who I have really connected with, whom I really really like. It is almost as if I know these people. I live their lives with them, I cry when they are hurting and I am genuinely happy when they have their dreams fulfilled.

Do you think it’s a woman thing? That we can connect so deeply to people we have never met? Or is it an infertility thing, that makes us feels like sisters in arms. A feeling of company and kinship in a world where you are usually the odd one out?

And just like in real life, there are people who you get on with, and there are those who you really like, people who you would be friends with if you met them in real life. And then there are those who are more like acquaintances. I’ve interacted with some people just a few times, and just ‘clicked’ with them. I know I would like them if I met them in real life.

It is especially poignant for me, sitting here so far away, at the very tip of Africa, to have made connections with so many of you girls so far away. The chance of us ever meeting is so slim (thank you crap exchange rate and infertility for sucking my savings dry), and yet, you are my friends.

I have a friend in Australia who kicks my butt when it needs kicking, a good friend in New Zealand who is always brutally honest with me and tells me if I am being an idiot, and a good friend in Hong Kong who seems to be a specially sent angel for me. My BF from America who regularly tells me I am an asshole (keeps me grounded). A new friend in Portugal. And then of course all you girls in America and beyond. All people I have met online through infertility and now blogging.

I talk about plenty of you as if you lived next door. I will tell my RL (real life) friends “I have a friend who xxxxx”, and then realize I am talking about someone who lives so far away, who I have never met.

I don’t know, getting all sappy here, it’s just really amazing (and life saving) to have made all these connections to all you amazing women around the world. Thank goodness for the Internet!!!!!!

Comments

[Mandy]

I don't know what it is, exactly. Maybe the fact our blogs are so full of thoughts and emotions, joys, fears, etc that we end up finding out about things that sometimes even RL friends don't know or understand. Is it that we are women or facing/faced infertility....maybe a bit of both!

Whatever it is, I too am grateful for those I've met and find myself talking about my friends XXXX and YYYY all the time. What DID women do before blogs? Where would we be without this support and friendship? I, for one, would have been lost.

[Anna H.]

I was lost before I found all of you -- I knew intelectually that I, we, were not alone in all this, In Real Life we _were_ alone. And totally isolated.

Tertia, finding you and the others has changed my life.

Thank you.

xxoo

[Mollie]

Only wish you all had been around when I was in the throes of ttc and then adopting. But I'll take it now.

I love telling George that I just IM'd with a gal in South fucking Africa. He is amazed. AMAZED at the genuine connections I have forged in this medium. I'm not amazed, really, but I am forever grateful.

Well, I'm grateful for most of my cybersisters. Sometimes you bore the piss out of me, Tertia, but I stick around because you're so. damned. sexy.

[Kris]

I catch myself saying my friend XXXX all the time, and am pretty much always meaning someone on the internet, in the blogging community. Possibly because they are the ones who understand and who have been there, and don't give you the platitudes of it was gods will, oh it just wasn't meant to be, it will happen in its own time, ect.

[Kristin]

I tend to be a private person and fairly withdrawn so it's difficult for me to connect with people. It's a trust issue I think from past-relationships, etc. I have felt connected to many people in the blog and IF world and I'm thankful for that. You, Julie, Karen, Cecily, etc, etc, etc, all help me to make sense out of what is going on when I don't understand and to explore the options we have for future treatment. I admire the strength all of you have and always will. I love the blog world and all of my fellow IF sisters because even if they don't know it, they inspire me everyday!!!

Btw, I was upset to see you wanted to be in the cave and not post for awhile--I look forward to your witty posts everyday.

[Rebekah]

It IS amazing, isn't it? Good grief, I think I'd go crazy if I didn't have my online friends! When I miscarried in July, I didn't want to talk to ANYONE about it. Not my best friend, not my Mom, not anyone (except my DH). I wanted to stay in my "cave" and work through my thoughts and feelings at my own pace, and I REALLY didn't want to go over the details of what had happened with everyone I knew. So, I didn't answer the phone for a week, and communicated with people through my DH or the computer when I felt like it. My online friends were the ones I reached out to during that time. Why? Because it was SAFE. I could say (or not say) WHATEVER I wanted to, and I knew that they wouldn't judge me. They just poured out their love and support and listened to me, just like I knew they would.

And yes, I DO think it's a "woman" thing. We're wired to desire connection and community, to reach out to other people and express what's on our hearts and minds. This medium fits that perfectly, I think. I know for me, it helps TREMENDOUSLY to know that I can reach out for help, advice, sympathy or just the proverbial shoulder to lean on at any time, for any reason. Of course, I can do that too in real life, but it's somehow even easier to write things out and communicate ... JUST LIKE I'M DOING RIGHT NOW. =)

Oh, and btw ... I fully plan on coming to South Africa someday. My BIL and his whole family are from there, and I've heard too many stories and seen too many pictures to not go and see it for myself someday. PLUS, it would be an absolute dream to meet THE Tertia in person, which I hope doesn't sound like I'm a stalker. I just think you're super special, that's all! =)

[Boulder]

I don't know if it is a woman thing or an IF thing, but whatever it is, it is the thing that makes raw nerves feel less so, good days a bit brighter, tears ok to shed and laughter a possibility even with friends spread apart by physical distance.

As women, we all have our own differing battles in daily life, but in IF and the extreme highs and lows that come with it, there seems to be an equalizer of sorts. I might not have walked in the exact footprints of my cyber friends, but I've probably come close, and that counts for a lot in friendships of any kind, r/l or cyber. The ability to empathize. No matter if its with xoxo's or fu's when appropriate.

PS - I catch myself all the time talking with r/l friends saying, "oh, my friend xxxx, she's _______" and realize, shit, hope I don't have to explain my "mythical" cyber friend.

[StacyG]

I just had this converation with two other real life friends. We are all dealing with infertility. It felt funny to call people you have never met and never will meet "friends" but after much discussion we decided it wasn't about knowing the face. It was more about knowing the person and having something in common. So, yes, we decided, the people we meet online who share our triumphs and losses, they are definatley friends.

[Lioness]

If I discover you have ANOTHER friend here and did NOT mean me I shall be royally pissed off. Daaaahling. (Does this post mean I'm officially COOL now?)

I think it's a woman thing but it also works on different levels. Most of the people reading the BBB belong to said Brigade themselves, and you all have a v strong common denominator. Plus, through the web you've met far more women than would have been possible IRL. So you are indeed legion and there's strength and safety in numbers, and many of you find each other at a time when you felt absolutely desperate, alone and misunderstood - so the bonding is bound to be even stronger bcs it's tinged by a very deep degree of gratitude and empathy. EVERYONE knows what EVERYONE ELSE is talking about. But I, not being infertile, have experienced pretty much the same and I can speak for many others when I tell you it is mindblowing how fast I've become so close to so many people. And we've talked abt this, blogging allows us - actually induces us - to open up and say things we wouldn't so easily say IRL.

(For more information please refer to www.the-portie-smartass.com)

Regardles, it's lovely having got to know you and MIND YOU, I have every intention of one day schlepping my butt over there - I've been dreaming of your landscapes and your animals FOR YEARS! Anyway, there's this guy in who rehabs cheetas in Namibia, maybe I'll get an internship. And how big can Africa be??? Just a tiny hop over to your house. Get the grill going.

[Jen(earthchild)]

I feel the same way. I am not sure if it is a woman thing or an IF thing. I am not one for "girly" type of shit normally so I would have to say it is an IF thing?!?!

I for one am determined to get my ass out there to SA. You people are all drop dead gorgeous out there. Now that I am single....I need to come there and find me a hottie!!! Oh yeah...and I would kill to meet you too of course. ;)

[Bridgette]

Must run, feeling a {{{hug}}} coming on. ;)

[Lisa]

I was telling my family about a blogger the other day, they were terribly interested, til they found out I had never met her. Now they view me as they view the internet pervert - like a 46 year old guy from Ohio praying on teens- or a pathetic shut in who crusies chat rooms, fantasizing that I have a real life. Yet if I had met you once on vacation, or if you had moved away and we now emailed that would be okay with them.

[Lisa]

I was telling my family about a blogger the other day, they were terribly interested, til they found out I had never met her. Now they view me as they view the internet pervert - like a 46 year old guy from Ohio praying on teens- or a pathetic shut in who crusies chat rooms, fantasizing that I have a real life. Yet if I had met you once on vacation, or if you had moved away and we now emailed that would be okay with them.

[Lauren]

The Lioness has always been cool but I guess this is her coming out party.

Yay Internet! I need more of these kind of friends.

[Julie]

Asshole.

[Jennifer]

hehe

I talk about my online friends the same way I talk about my real life friends all the time.

[Blue]

Me too.
V happy to have found you all.

[wix]

"I talk about plenty of you as if you lived next door. I will tell my RL (real life) friends “I have a friend who xxxxx”, and then realize I am talking about someone who lives so far away, who I have never met. "

i do the same thing. so does my husband. we've met a lot of our online friends through an IRC film chatroom, and many of them have become real-life friends, too. it's not just a woman thing or an infertile thing :)

[Toni]

While I don't think I'd be one of the people you talk about - it's amazing how well I've gotten to know you through this blog. I love coming here as much as I can and can't wait to see more pics of the little ones.

Maybe some day, we'll all come and visit you!

[unexplained]

Hear hear, Tertia - I was weeping for Cecily last week at choir practice and hoped no one would ask me what was up, because I'd have to say it's a person whose weblog I read, and then I'd have to explain what a weblog IS, etc. But this has all saved me. I was in a bad spot when one day the Chronicle of Higher Education had an article that mentioned Emmajane at Barely Tenured, and she led me to getupgrrl, which I think led me to you.... it's really helped the grieving process to be reminded that there are people out there who GET IT. All of you are a real life line. God bless the BBB!!

[patricia]

Yes, yes, yes.

It's been fantastic, and if you had told me a year ago that I would have "online friends," today, I would have snickered and said "yeah, right." Goes to show I can still surprise myself.

Thank goodness for you and all my other friends.

[patricia]

Yes, yes, yes.

It's been fantastic, and if you had told me a year ago that I would have "online friends," today, I would have snickered and said "yeah, right." Goes to show I can still surprise myself.

Thank goodness for you and all my other friends.

[Dahlia]

Yeah, DH thinks I'm nuts the way I talk about all of you... but how lonely would I be without everyones blog to follow? I am not a big "commenter" (Is that a word!?) - too shy - but become very involved and emotionally invested just by following people's stories.

[ManhattanAnne]

Tertia-
Sorry to come late to this lovely heartfelt post. I spent all of yesterday phoning swing voters for Kerry. Alack. Alas. All for naught. You must be extra specially kind to your US friends now. Some of us are feeling too depressed to even want to bring a child into the world we find ourselves in today... I hope all the international readers will spread the fact that while Bush did win, millions on millions of Americans oppose his adminiatration.