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I have a theory about people who write stuff like that in the journals of women who are suffering through the tourmoil of IF and loss. Actually I have several theories.

1. They are just nasty, board morons who are miserable in their life and therefore feel the need to make everyone else miserable.

2. They are women who have dealt with IF and are very bitter. That is very sad but don't they remember how hurtful words like those were when they were suffering?

3. They are dumb teenagers who have not seen the light of day in years because their entire life is online and they have 12 different personalities.

4. They mean well but they really just do NOT get it. And I feel bad for them because every IF woman in a 6 million mile radius will now show up on their front door and they are as good as dead.


When I read your comments over at Julie's blog, I knew you'd post on your own, so I hopped on over here, and sure enough, here it is. You've stated you dual feelings of happiness and anxiety (both v.v. valid) beautifully.

As I am preparing and saving to start the IVF roller coaster myself, I know that in the end, no matter what path I take that will end in motherhood, I will *never* forget the pain, suffering, anxiety and frustration that accompianied me along that path. I will forever be bitter about how IF has changed me, and my life forever. This will in no way diminsh the love I will feel for my child, nor my gratitude for how that child comes into my life. IF leaves a stain on your soul that will *never* wash away, and for that, I'm so sorry for us all...

Much love to you, Marko, Adam & Kate...and please, try to take it easy today, and don't think of trolls who wear asshats.


I guess adoption didn't "cure' her infertility, huh?

Shite. All I could think of was, "I'd hate to be her kid." That's the truth. Anyone who could be such a boor to a person who has been through so much heartache already is really an ass.

Compassion. It's a good thing. Try some today! (Not you, T, Liisa. You know what I mean.)

Yeah, compassion. Also self awareness. A dose of that would be nice.

I hate that anyone has upset you. She has a lot to answer for.

And anyway - to whom are you supposed to be grateful? Are you just supposed to exude happiness and bliss your entire pg? "Being grateful" is an abstract concept that stupid people who know nothing about what you've been through try to impose on you. Loved the way you put it: "it's called being human."

can you add to the "not" list that you don't get to enjoy what is meant to be the most special time in a woman's life? that instead of cherishing your enciente days you are crossing each day as it passes off a calendar, comparing it to prematurity weight and development charts and determining the likelihood of survival if they were born today??

that other poster has some issues. do i understand that she adopted a child after IF? does she ever watch BAMBI with the aforementioned child?


you on the other hand darling, say all you want. whenever.

xo tess

...or did i mistake the purpose of this blog? are you changing your name to victoria (v.) cross to honour those who fought for our freedom??

tres cool. especially since one of those fighters was my grandad.


You so deserve to have a longer list of things to be grateful for, but that bitch Infertility, and all that comes with her up to this point makes it so damn hard to even muster even a smile some days, I'm certain.

That is why Julie is your BF, and you are her BF.

You have each others back.

My guess is that even when you are both scared to death, you can feel the other truly caring for you despite the miles between you. You get it. She gets it.

We get it, well with the exception of some that are true Asshats

Hi Tertia

How are you doing? Have the contractions stopped?? I got such a fright when I read that. Hope all is well again.

Got a good book tip for you incase you get bored in bed. Read Pillars of the Earth from Ken Follet, really good.


Hi Tertia -

Julie closed her comments before I could get in my 2 cents so hope you don't mind if I put this here.

I have no real reason to read these IF blogs in that it is not something I have experienced firsthand (too young and stupid for kiddies just yet!).
I came over here through some random link and keep reading because your stories, and the courage and humour with which you all share them, are so very inspiring. I cannot imagine going through the pain you and others have experienced and surviving to tell the tale. And I can't stop reading now because I want so very much to know that you will all get what you have worked so hard for - happy, healthy babies. And I know that if I, or anyone close to me, ever does go through IF I will know WHAT NOT TO SAY thanks to all of you!

So to you, Julie and all the others - thank you for sharing your stories and I am hoping with all my heart that these babies make it into the world safe and sound.

Hi Dear Tertia --

Long-time lurker, first-time poster.

I am writing to voice my resounding agreement with Heike -- read "Pillars of the Earth" by Ken Follett -- amazing historical fiction.

Though I'm thousands of miles from you and we've never spoken, I think of you every day (as do, I'm sure, many women worldwide). You are an intelligent, funny, caring woman and I am so glad to have happened upon your blog. I wish you much joy.

What, Tertia, you mean you're not grateful for all of those losses? If not for them, you wouldn't know how to appreciate these babies! Shame on you. Everyone should be lucky enough to go through years of infertility hell in order to really appreciate what's important.

Um, yes, that was sarcasm. :-)

Hi Tertia,
This is Rachel...I don't know if you remember me...anyway, we found out that our baby has a birth defect, and are waiting the results of the amnio. I am so scared. I now know what you talk about when you talk about being so scared. I look at the pictures of Ben and know what happened to you guys and Ben could very well happen to me, and it's scary. I am so proud of you for hanging in there. Adam and Kate are beautiful.


I guess, by Liisa's logic, I shouldn't be expressing my fears re: my husband's health issues on my blog, because, after all, I have a husband and so many people don't!

Rachel, I'm so sorry

I hate it. I hate all of it. I hate that I have to read that people who have gone through, or are going through infertility have to justify their feelings. Liisa, guess what? People feel shitty because they are going through shitty times. Pregnant women can cry for no reason and can shrug that off as hormones. Why can't we as a society just let people feel what they feel. Julie didn't seem to be asking for opinions or suggestions or advice. she was stating what I've read so many people feel. Simple as that.

What this world needs is more understanding, not more asshats. And I'm not even pregnant, trying or infertile (that I know of).

Posting here because Julie has (wisely) closed. I'd just like to say I thought Julie did a tremendously brave and valuable thing in pointing out that life is *not* all sunshine and flowers once a long-term infertile becomes pregnant. During both of my much-wanted, but unsuccessful pregnancies, I was floored by 24/7 nausea and exhaustion and by my own entirely unanticipated feelings of fear and ambivalence. I had honestly and naively bought into the whole idea that once I was finally pregnant, I would feel great--emotionally and physically. And I felt scared and guilty when that didn't turn out to be the case. More honesty on these subjects will encourage not ingratitude but healing in all of us. I'd file Julie's latest post into the highly useful category "Don't Believe the 'Hypedermic'." (Whatever happened to that one?!)

This Liisa person is clearly "stuck" in the thick of the pain from all her losses. While I hate the fact that she took it out on Julie, I hope that the responses she got will prompt her to find healthy outlets for her feelings.

Or not. Truth is, I'd prefer to just forget about her. Her bitterness is profoundly disturbing to me.

I didn't realize you were having so much ligament pain. I just keep picturing this big, beautiful tummy with two little happy babies...BUT, two happy babies who together now weigh as much as my daughter did at term.

I'm wishing you sleep and a well-behaved cervix.

You said it--and better than I could!! V. happy the babies are progressing and wishing you calm seas.

Liisa's comments pissed me off in a major way and I wrote a post about it on my blog. Mind you, her comments pissed me off big time and I'm someone who won't have children, ever, because I can't.

I found Liisa's comments very passive aggressive, which I loathe because I live in the state capital and everyone here is so frigging, well um 'nice' right before they stick the dagger in. As someone who is in immense pain, I immediately picked up that she is pretending that she has risen about it all but in truth, she's waggering a finger and doesn't believe a single word of her own crap. She's bitter, damn bitter and not being honest about it, which I think is more destructive. There's nothing wrong with expressing real emotion. I've always thought it worse to not express real emotions, no matter how unpopular they might be.

I think you and Julie have every single right to be anxious and hurting because after all the hell you've been through you're still there, worried, anxious, scared. No one should ever have to experience the kind of pain you've endured, NO ONE. Just because you're pregnant doesn't make it all go away.

Sending lots of love to you, Julie and the kids and hoping for calmer, more serene days ahead.


There seems to be an abundance of people lacking in empathy and compassion these days.

I was on the radio the other day talking about the battle with the cemetery our daughter is buried in. I talked about how I could never go to lunch with her again, watch her date, get her driver's license, graduate from school. All I had left was honoring her memory and I have a corporation trying to tell me how I can even do that.

The caller after me said that I was obviously in need of therapy that I was stuck in my pain and needed to get a life. Thankfully the radio program host ripped him a new one.

People need to understand that we all grieve differently. There is not right way, no wrong way, there is just your way. If the way someone else is grieving or coping with their losses bothers you- too damn bad. They are doing what *they* need to do in order to survive.

Some people can face enourmous hurdles and never have their faith and hope challenged. Others find refuge in dark humor and cynicism. Some turn to work, others to charities. In the end, all that matters is that the person hurting finds their own way to cope with the loss that allows them to remain sane and healthy.

I hate that their are those who think it is okay to judge and tell others how to live, love, grieve. Don't they have enough in their own lives to keep them busy? Why must they try to tell others how to live?

I just don't get it.

Exactly... being human isn't just about feeling the "good" emotions! We are complex are we not?

"Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes." - Walt Whitman

I've never posted before, but I finally can't keep it in. ;)

Both you and Julie have it exactly right. Of course you are grateful, but that doesn't mean everything is perfect. That point has been made enough, though. I feel for Liisa, I really do. I'd like to think that she meant well with her comments, and from an outside perspective, I think some of the responses were needlessly mean. There is a certain amount of truth to the idea the staying positive is a good thing. But she failed to consider a few things.

Consider the context of the writing. It's a blog, it's there to help the writer work through issues, if it were all roses, well, then it wouldn't "be" because there would be no point.

There are still no guarantees. Yes it's wonderful to finally get pregnant and make it so far, but it is perfectly normal to be afraid and resentful that you didn't get the easy, blissful pregnancy so many other's got.

Everyone's situation is their own. My own struggle with infertility was blessedly short and I honestly can't immagine going through what so many of you have. But there were still times I felt like it was the worst fate on earth. Fortunately, I don't have the truly terrible experiences to color my feelings, so my slightly bad experience felt pretty awful to me. Bringing up how much worse others have it is basically meaningless, as I have no way of feeling what they feel. I can only feel what I feel.

And finally, telling someone not to complain because at least they are pregnant, is just, well, dumb. It's like telling the mom of a 2 year old that spent months in the NICU, that she isn't allowed to be exasperated by her child's tantrums because hey, at least he's there. It just doesn't work that way.

Well, there's my million cents worth. Sorry about my total lack proofreading ability. Thanks to all of you for the inspiration you give from these blogs.

I loved your comments on Julie's site. You were eloquent and I feel spoke for many of us. Thank you. Sometimes it is difficult to speak intelligently when so worked up over an ass-hat like Liisa. You saved me from sounding like trailer-trash and ruining a very good point!

Liisa is obviously a fucking idiot.

Sorry... after 2 having 2 back to back miscarriages I feel that if one more asshole tells me that I am too angry or too bitter or too depressed.... I think I might SERIOUSLY do some damage.

I just got AF today which equals ANOTHER month of BFN's... and I feel like I really could punch someone.

An infertile with PMS and 2 recent miscarriages is NOT someone to fuck with.

Tertia (and Julie) Thanks for saying it a lot nicer than I ever could.

Bitter and Proud of it!

It was a very upsetting comment. I started bawling and tried to tell the husband about it and couldn't. I couldn't make myself clear to him because I wasn't exactly sure why I was so upset (am not the ungrateful pregnant wench) I figured it out today, I think. That two of my favorite folks who are finally pregnant would be under such attack, it's wrong. IF is a vulnerability, pregnancy is an even more vulnerable place to be. When it ever happens for me, I'm going to be scared and bitchy and mad. I'm pretty much always scared and bitchy and mad. That's not going to change. But who picks on a pregnant lady anyways?

I hope you're sleeping peacefully and comfortably. I hope you were able to brush off the bullshit. I hope the babies are being good to you.

I don't understand why anyone would lurk and place a comment like that on any of these blogs. I read your blog, Julie's, and many others. I learn from them about treatment options and costs, I learn about experiences, etc. These blogs are an invaluable source of heart-wrenching honesty full of lessons that I can learn from. I am glad there are so many women out there--like you and Julie--who make such a difference to so many different people. There are links to your blog and Julie's on so many different blogs and so many people who attribute yours to the reason why they started one in the first place. I admire the candor and strength you have to be where you are right now and hope if I'm ever in your position I will be able to summon as much strength as you have!!

Gee, that whole thing reminds me of an anecdote by George Mikes (I think). In one of his books, he's telling the story of a Jew who has escaped death in a concentration camp during WW2. Some time after that, this Jew is sitting in a restaurant where he gets served bad food in a draughty corner. Naturally, he complains. Now, I wonder whether Liisa would go as far as telling that guy to stop complaining and just be glad he's still alive in the first place?

Believe it or not, Liisa: One can indeed be p*ssed off and grateful at the same time. Like Tertia said, it's called "being human".

Being allowed to grieve, even for what some people may consider "small" things, has a lot to do with human dignity, pure and simple! It has to do with having a _right_ to feel p*ssed off when life/fate denies you certain things it gives to others, seemingly without hesitation. It has to do with feeling and knowing that one _is_ _in_ _fact_ _worthy_ _of_ _those_ _things_ _anyway_, even though one may never have them! It has to do with self esteem, and I'm glad that at least Tertia and Julie still have enough of that left for themselves and the children they will soon get to raise. :-)

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