NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

Someone sent me this email after reading my blog, I think it's quite funny, hope no body takes offence, you know I LOVE all you Americans. It just seemed to follow on nicely after the English lessons.

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how far off the mark you were. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Comments

[Tracy]

Bwah!

1. Actually, we're not saying "aluminium" at all. Our word is "aluminum." Pronounced different because it's spelled different. Perhaps it's time to drop the extra "i" along with all those extraneous "u"s.

4. Does that mean more Alan Rickman? Because I could definitely support that.

9. German cars suck now. Japanese all the way, baby.

[Julie]

Haaaaaa hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Watch. Now someone's going to make a post on some conservative blog titled, "WHY DO INFERTILES HATE AMERICA?"

[Tracy]

Julie, did you forget that infertiles hate EVERYONE? Cause we're so damn bitter?

[Jess]

Giggling like mad over here!!! As an Aussie living in the the USA this is the funniest thing I've read in AGES! I am constantly forced to watch that silly game they call "football" have tried endlessly to explain - THAT'S NOT FOOTBALL!!
(Also forced to explain all the time - yes, Aussie, English, SA have similar accents but NO - they are not the same place/close enough etc!)

Ok - stopping now, apparently have had that little rant stored up for quite a while:):)

[buttercup]

Hmm...our country ruled by someone other than GWB, and the end of Monday Night Football?

Sounds good to me!

But, can I please keep my Honda? Please?

[Aurora]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

As an American, who studied International Relations at University; who only ever liked football in the "correct" sense; who lived in Europe for a time and thereafter developed an accent whenever I am abroad, I find this particularly funny...AND a really good idea. Who needs Congress? They are just screwing it all up anyway, not that anybody really notices, except all the people moving to Canada (Mollie...wink, wink).

Also, I would love more British actors as nice guys...but come on, they have had a couple in there being good: Alan Rickman in Love Actually; Jude Law in Enemy at the Gates (finally a WWII movie WITHOUT Americans in the storyline...amazing); Joseph Finnes in Shakespeare in Love...I could go on all day...yummy British actors....mmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Another thing...football rules (No, not American football; that's for sissies). I played football in high school and we played a match against our American football team and they couldn't take the hits. Poor babies without their padding.

Yes, actually, I COULD go on all day about this...

[wix]

hahahaha! brilliant!

[Julia S]

Oh, tee hee.

I would bang together something equally clever about SA but, um, well, there's a mountain that doesn't really look like a table and, like, De Waterkant, right, and then Morocco is to the north somewhere...

Oh God I admit it! I secretly believe that the United States wraps around the globe and touches at the ends and every other country is just a special-effect to give variety to television.

God save the Queen.

[Nat1026]

As an American who's a complete Anglophile, I say "right on"!! Although, as others have said, I vote for Japanese cars (I lurve my Toyota). American cars *are* crap. I could really care less about the sports, and I *can* tell the difference between Brit, SA, and Oz accents, so no problem there, either! Also, I *adore* Parliment and the Royal family, so now I just have to learn the lyrics to "God Save The Queen". PS: I also knew what naff and wanky were. hehe

[Janis]

I'm from Utah. What the hell is wrong with Utah?

Oh wait.. Maybe that explains it. Me... Utah...

Nevermind...

[Susan]

Absofuckinglutely funny!
I'm up for anything that rids us of Dubbya.

[Abby]

I'll agree to all of the above, but I want bank holidays. All of them.

[Stacey]

hahahahahahahhah!!

Yes, PLEASE declare war on Quebec.

[Carrie Jo]

But I LIKE the firworks on 4th of July. You better get me another holiday with foreworks! :oP

[Tracy]

Fireworks in November would be better anyway... it gets dark sooner.

[Kimm]

Bleedin Anglophile liberal here, but I need to say this: more than 2.15% of us D-U-M Americans are aware of the rest of the world. I think it's more in the neighborhood of 40% to 48% according to recent presidential polls. (I count anybody who supports Theresa Heinz Kerry as the next first lady as "internationally aware", though I may be choosing to be willfully naive about this. Go Theresa!) And also? Please. Tony Blair is so BFF with the Dubya. I fail to see how this would improve America. Not that you wrote it or anything, Tertia. Let me say again, I've loved all things English since I was a little girl, (especially English boys) but the snotty bitchiness I could do without. It's such the last gasp of a dying empire. And we Americans ought to know that when we see it, cuz ... you know ... we're doing some gasping and choking our own ourselves.

How defensive do I sound? I know that there are a lot of idiots in my country. But I'm really tired of the thoughtful, smart, and sane Americans being completely ignored by the French, the English, and even by our own government and media. Sorry that I'm having such a hard time having a sense of humor about this. It is desperate times over here right now.

[Gretchen]

OMG! ROTFL!!! As a proud Texan, it made me ill to have GWB appointed president and claim to represent me. In 2000, I waited in line for 45 minutes after the polls were closed and Texas was already declared for Bush just so that I could cast a vote against him. Little did I know that the will of the people didn't count that year...

And I have a request from Husband... Once the transition of power is complete, could we get a US plant manufacturing Land Rover Defenders? SA is the only place that a Defender can be purchased, and it's a bit pricy to get one shipped. Thanks so much!

[DMouse007]

I love it!

American football is pure wank and undeserving of being called football of any description, and German cars are the best.

[cheryl b.]

Mmmmm, Alan Rickman....

[Tracy]

"But I'm really tired of the thoughtful, smart, and sane Americans being completely ignored by the French, the English, and even by our own government and media."

Especially our own Supreme Court. :-(

[John Woodard]

Please stop moving here then. And give us back the billions we send to Africa to fight your AIDS.

[Rana]

Touchy much, John? It's a *joke*. J-O-K-E.

And those billions? Much, much less than promised. Plus there's all the other lovely health-related programs that have had their funding yanked. So net effect is less than positive.

Tertia -- thanks for the laugh!

(From an American who still has, despite it all, a sense of humor. Er, humour.)

[cheryl b.]

Jeez Tertia, I never knew that the WORLD WIDE AIDS epedemic was your fault.

[non-US HIV/AIDS worker]

Yeah and you can only access those "billions" if you promise to toe Bush's moral policing line regarding abstinence and abortions - that whole ideology before evidence problem he's been having since day one.

"your AIDS" ??? Hello John there are plenty of Americans with AIDS and if you took the time to be less one-dimensional about it, you could recognise how external policies of the US shape the outcomes of health all over the world.

[Carrie Jo]

Besides, Tertia posted the thing as a joke, not to start a flame war on her blog. Get over it.

[Expat]

Jess - you and me both, girl. Have you seen the ad for "Alice white" wine? It's narrated by a cockney! Bloody ridiculous.

Kimm- where's the fun in paying out normal sane sensible people? besides, aren't you all moving to Canada when dubya wins his first election?

Oh, and John - almost all of us don't actually want to move there. Sorry to disappoint you.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/shared/spl/hi/programmes/wtwta/poll/html/cultural/life.stm (see, Kimm, that's much more amusing)

[Shamhat]

"3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard."

Sometimes you furreners use that to your advantage. In the 80's it was apparently popular for US immigrants from South Africa to claim to be from New Zealand, to avoid political discussions. For years I honestly thought "Ja, ja," was "Yes" in New Zealand.

Also there was Captain Jean-Luc Picard, the French guy played by an English guy, AS an English guy. After all, a French son of a vintner WOULD drink "tea, Earl Gray, ho" from a replicator, right? We didn't even notice.

[KellyH]

So as long as we're getting all international, I have a question. I read an article in National Geographic a few months back about Johannesburg (is that spelled correctly?) and it contained a couple of pictures of kids in school. A caption mentioned some controversy about the schools teaching/not teaching Afrikaans. (I can't remember which.) The article didn't expand and I'm curious.

[Jo]

Eh. Sign me up. After recent Floridian developments regarding election policy, and the pending installation of electronic voting machines in my district, I'm about done here.

Except: women rugby players kick ass. So lay off, youse.

[Kam]

Oh, puhleeeeeese, can we?

Any takers for Utah? Anyone? Anyone? *deafening silence*

[ness]

Bigotry is bigotry is bigotry.

[Mia]

Talkin' bout a revolution...well, you know.

Let's make a deal: wait 'til November. If W wins *shudder*, you got yourselves a deal. If not...give us a year and we'll talk.

Utah, it was nice knowin' ya! Prepare to be invaded by troops looking for WMDs...

[Ute]

"Bleedin Anglophile liberal here, but I need to say this: more than 2.15% of us D-U-M Americans are aware of the rest of the world. "

Sure, but are they also aware that the rest of the world consists of sovereign states with governments of their own...? (SCNR :-P )

[Jennifer]

LMAO. I am an American and I think that is too funny!

I always joke that if aliens land in the U.S. and say "take me to your leader" and we do, they will destroy the planet because they will think there is no intelligent life here! (can you tell I'm not a George W. Bush fan?)

[Janis]

Mia--

"Utah, it was nice knowin' ya! Prepare to be invaded by troops looking for WMDs..."

I am in Utah. We don't have WMD's here.

We do have however, copious amounts of lime green jello- never plain though- it must have something in it. Anything from fruit to bologna will do.

We have a church on almost every corner.

We have so many minivans that the parking lots look like dealerships. Minivans are commonly referred to as "MAV's." Mormon Assault Vehicles.

We have a dish that is served at EVERY funeral luncheon, status on the social scale means nothing when it comes to "Funeral Potatoes." These can be served at other functions but are ALWAYS refered to as Funeral Potatoes.

Utah isn't all bad folks. There are some really nice people here. I'm here- I'm a bit strange, but I am nice. :)

[Kimm]

Uh, Ute? Well... But... Does it actually need to be said? Nevermind.

[Kimm]

Uh, Ute? Well... But... Does it actually need to be said? Nevermind.

[Mia]

I retract my statement about Utah, that wasn't nice of me. Utah is cool. And has excellent skiing. Janis, can we be friends?

Oh, I can relate about the food; I am from Minnesota, where Spam reigns and jello is never hard to find at the buffet. It's next to the lutefisk.

[Claire]

Last gasp of a dying empire? I thought it was long dead.

[Mierdadura]

1st of all...all cars are shit, the ones that are smart enough should know that(plus, Americans don't need cars, neither electrical stairs, the need bicycles and a shit load of sit-ups); the pollution is ruining the planet, wars are ruining the planet, I live in Sweden and the Muslims here want to have their own laws(Crazy Fuckers)of course not!!
American Football is another shit, Football is to be played with your feet(hence FOOT-BALL)AND THERE IS ABSOLUTLY NOTHING WRONG WITH CANADIANS OR QUEBECOISES.
THEY DO HAVE A SUPERIOR MIND(WAY MORE ADVANCED THAN THE AMERICANS)and the first post was GREAT!!!