Breeeaaatttthhhhhhh In, Breeeaaaaaatthhhhhh Out.

Well I have done it, I’ve booked my husband and I on those ante natal classes. I don’t know what you call them there, like childbirth classes but they teach you more than just pushing. Well I hope so cos I ain’t pushing any thing out of anywhere. No manual labor for me, help and drugs are the order of the day. Too posh to push and all that. (ok, not really, I have to have a c section) They apparently teach you stuff about pregnancy, birth and (a bit about) babies. Clearly the pushing / heavy breathing shit is going to be a waste of time, but maybe I will learn some other shit.

If that is not going to jinx things nothing will.

I haven’t told my husband yet. He is going to freak. He absolutely hates any touchy feely shit, and apparently there are visualization and relaxation classes – ha ha ha hahahahahah!!!!! OMG, he is going to freak out. The man hardly bonds and shares with me (silent type has nothing on him), can you imagine him in a room full of fat chicks and their nervous husbands, talking about vaginas and blood and stuff.

Last time I didn’t go, was too scared. This time I am thinking bugger this, I am pg and I am doing as many normal things as I possibly can. (I just did that full stop so hard I nearly broke my nail. Trying to make a point, to whom I don’t know.)

I hope the classes aren’t too naff. If they are we will just have to leave.

Comments

[liv]

haha :) you're exactly right -- do everything as normal as possible and it should encourage everything else to go as nomrally as possible.

[eM]

T (teeheehee) you all stay in touch and go to the park together on matetnity leave and talk about boudoir biscuits and the price of jik and you all have spit on your shoulders. I can't imagine you two.... (can i come watch, please)

[Chris]

Well how about you split the chores, like in the movie, 3 Men and a Baby. You could pitch up at the classes with a whole gang, and delegate the touchy feely breathy pushy stuff. Keep the faith.

[Mollie]

Is that English in eM's post? "Budoir biscuits"? "Price of jik"?

Huh?

Well, I understand "antenatal classes." I avoided them. Seemed all the gals who went came out scared. Now who needs that shit? I can tell you right now, they're completely "naff," whatever the fuck that means.

I say if you want to do normal things, then go out and buy every damned gadget there is that the babe will have no need for past their 36th week of life... more fun, and no gory or boring stuff.

[Melissa]

Hi, I'm Melissa. I've recently started to read your blog, and I wanted to introduce myself.
I can't wait to hear about your hubby's reaction to the classes.

[Summer]

I'll be anxiously waiting to hear how well Marko does at the antenatal classes. I'm certain, at least, that he'll do better than my own father. When my parents went to childbirth classes before my birth, my father distinguished himself by making snarky, not-quite-whispered comments about how fat all the other pregnant women were. The clincher: the first time they all had to lie down on the floor to practice breathing exercises, my father shouted out "Thar she blows!"

My mother decided to try birth hypnosis for my brother's birth two years later, and aren't you surprised, but she went to those lessons *alone*.

[Becky D]

Do it Tertia - Do EVERYTHING "normal" that you can! When my husband and I were around 20w and I was still too scared to buy anything (let alone sign up for a class) he sat me down and told me that we have no control over what can happen. There is always the possibility that something could go wrong but as it was most likely the only chance I'd ever have of being pregnant I should rack up all the good memories I can. It turned out well and I am SOOOOO glad I listened to him.

[Julia]

Wow. That sounds like an amazingly lucid tactic.

You're a braver woman than I, however. I'm opted out of the birthing classes, as I've already had a crash-course in labor and delivery that I'll never be able to forget. But we are going for the infant care portion. Could be completely "naff" too, but we'll see.

I'm with Mollie - get out there and start buying shit. That definitely qualifies as normal.

[Carrie Jo]

I just want to see a pic of the look on his face #1 when you tell him and #2 at the class. Especially after they mention vaginas and blood.

[StacyG]

So, I gotta ask...what "naff"? Is "antenatal" like child birth classes? Like La maz? Just curious! Thanks!

[Alana]

Almost 13 years ago my then husband just smoked a big ol um..."J" befor each childbirth class so that when the teacher said "Imagine your uterus is an elevator and lift it up..uo.." he didn't feel like such a tool.

[Gina]

If he does not want to read the books, wait until he sees the film! LOL. My husband looked like a deer in the headlights after seeing a woman give birth. It was full frontal and she was completely naked. He was horrified. Laughing again remembering it.

He stood up by my shoulders the entire time for the birth.

I liked the class. At least I knew where to go in the hospital. I also some some neat photos showing what a pancake my bladder was going to be and that my stomach was up next to my heart. Have a great time.

[MelF]

I always have to laugh when hear about people going to childbirth class. My daughter, Emma, was born during my Lamaze class. There were many, many complications, but my husband said every jaw dropped when he returned for our pillows and announced "It's a girl!"

[Moxie]

Of course the classes are naff. That's kind of the point, to be dorky and stupid and talk about all the stuff you don't want to talk about with people not about to hatch aliens out of their stomachs. But I digress. The real point of antenatal classes (I heart how you talk, BTW) is to make a friend or two in the class, so once your babies are on the outside you have someone with a kid your age to hang out with and save each others' sanity. If you realize that that's the real goal (find one or two friends), you change your approach and all the visualization and other stuff is no big deal. (FWIW, even in my *extremely* natural-birth-oriented childbirth class the teacher spent a bunch of time on c-section stuff, including tips for recovery and common things that c-section babies have that vaginal birth babies don't, etc.)

[Expat]

No, don't leave - take notes and blog it.

C'mon your public demands you bend your wit to our amusement in between LBC's

[Jen P]

I can't wait to hear the reaction!! Good luck with the classes and I hope they're what you were looking for!

Best wishes.

[RainbowW]

it has been my (and my wifes') experience that they won't give you the drugs until the contractions are so painful you can't breathe through them.

so. that relaxation shit may not be so bad. we didn't get the opportunity to do that.

[Laura]

What is naff??

(Your stupid NBF)

[SimoneG]

Well, let's hope you don't have a touchy-feely ante natal class experience like the one my husband and I had recently:

One of the touchy-feely activities involved passing around a lucky-dip type bag, pulling out an object and then discussing what we thought its significance was. My husband pulled out a condom. It was obviously put there to trigger discussion about birth control after our babies are born. That's all well and good, but it's like this, you see - my husband and I don't need birth control, especially not condoms! We needed, and will always need, IVF/ICSI to get pregnant. The only place I will ever need to see a condom is on the end of an ultrasound wand. Anyway, my husband tried to inconspicuously put it back in the bag and retrieve something else, but he was caught. The tongue-in-cheek jibes from the rest of the group (including the instructor) were relentless and were mainly along the lines of - "Well mate, if you hadn't been so afraid of condoms, you might not find yourself in this predicament now!" Oh yes, that's jolly funny, but not the kind of comments a guy with a poor sperm count needs to be hearing...

But on a brighter note, as naff as ante-natal classes can be, it's still a good way to meet other mummies-to-be and compare notes.

[Bee]

I went to TWO - count em 2 ante-natal classes and they were a) too shoo-waah (for even ME!) and 2) (in-joke I do know that b should follow a) the other couples were way too naff. It didn't help that there was an OHP displaying horrid graphic pic of the birthing process. Yes I said birthing. Eeeewww. Good luck my friend, hope Marko doesn't faint!

[Sheena]

I actually hate having weekends coz I dont get a chance to have a look at your blog when my b/f is home... so I wait patiently til Monday so I can catch up. This weekend was extra difficult coz it was looong weekend, so naturally when I checked yours this morning, I WAS SOOO EXSTATIC!!!!! LBC = A OK by me! I dont see one thing wrong with them, as long as you are reassured for a while. (Lets face facts, you wouldn't be Tertia if the assurance lasted more than a little while, would you?)

Three great woooopeees for Adam and Kate, I think you are beautiful and I am sooooo happy for all of you!

Tell Marko to bite the bullet and pretend to be gay while in the lamaaazzzz (sp!) classes - could be fun!

[Lexie]

I think your husband and mine are made out of the same mold. They are so alike. Except that we cuddle at night. At least most nights. He is so not touchy feely either.
Love the blog can't wait till I read more.