So Close

Mixed Feelings

Today is my last day at work, until hopefully next year May. If all goes well. If we have babies in January. Etc.

It seems such a brave, bold, jinxy step to pack my desk up. I am absolutely terrified that I will pack my desk up and things will go wrong and I will be back, baby-less in a few weeks time. Baby-less and broken.

Last time I booked maternity leave and was back before I was even due to go on maternity leave.

So I am scared to go off work. Work felt safe. Stupidly I keep thinking that if I don’t change too much in my life (like go on leave, buy baby furniture etc) then if I lose the babies it wont hurt as much. How stupid is that. No matter where I am or what I have bought, it will hurt like, well, it will hurt an unbelievable amount.

Yet, I am nervous to go off work. It seems such a bold, in your face step. It’s like announcing to the world I am pregnant and might even have a baby. Or two. I am not sure I am ready for that yet. The other day I bumped into an ex and he said “do you have any kids” and I said “well, we are still trying”. He looked at my belly oddly. And so I stammered, “well, I am pg now, but we have been trying for a long time and blah blah blah”. I can’t just blithely say “oh yay, am pg, will have baby”.

And although I would love to be wealthy enough not to work, I love what I do and I love the people I work with. I am very fond of my bunch of techie geeks. We have lots of fun at work and we are always messing around. I am going to miss being around them. Plus I work for a really great company. I love them, they love me. What if they forget about me when I am gone? I am scared if I don’t remind them daily how witty and divine I am they will forget and replace me with a younger, better, funnier model. I asked my co-workers, they said they could never forget about me and there is no other person like me (I think I heard a ‘thank g-d’ somewhere).

I am also going to miss having ‘always on’ internet access. I will have to resort to the old fashioned solar powered dial up from home.

But, I know I am doing the right thing. I need to do whatever it takes to make sure I get healthy babies at the end, and that means stopping work and doing some bedrest. It’s just, well, it’s just scary that’s all.

It feels weird not to work, I feel decadent and lazy. Oh well, hopefully in January I will have two time consuming babies who will soon make me so busy I wont have time to worry about any thing else.

Gonna miss my co-workers though. Lots.

PTLT’s > DBT’s

I was chatting to Julie yesterday and I realized that we are on the same page as far as our worry quotas are. When your worry quota is full you just have to let go of some things. They don’t go away completely but they can’t take up any more space on the top of the list.

Somehow, in the last week or two, for both of us, DBT’s* have slipped down the list as things like pre-term labour (PTL), closed cervixes and no bleeding from wayward placentas have taken over. To paraphrase Julie “I have got too much to worry about now to spend time having DBT’s”. Obviously movement does help to reassure one somewhat.

It seems to a ‘progression’ of some weird kind. You go from worrying about whether your baby is still alive to whether you can keep him/ her in there long enough to be fully baked.

Now PTL, and worries there of, is a particularly familiar ‘friend’ of mine. We spent a lot of time together in my last pg. I am paranoid about PTL and so am hyper-vigilant about any ‘signs’ that might indicate its presence. Especially as I missed the signs so badly last time. Oh, so that is what a contraction is?

Yesterday was one of those days. My irritable uterus and my surly bladder were in particularly bad moods. My uterus kept tightening the whole day (tightening ute = bad, v v bad). This freaked me out. An irritable uterus can degenerate into PTL if things get out of hand. We don’t want that. At all. Especially now. Babies in January remember.

And to be honest, this is not the best time for me as this is the time I lost Luke. Yesterday I was 21w4d. I lost Luke and my cervix started opening last time at 21w3d. This time last time I was in hospital already.

Anyhow, these things combined sent me off for yet another emergency (i.e. no scheduled appointment) with Dr New. I initially didn’t want to go in case I ‘bothered’ any one but luckily Julie told me to stop being an asshole and go. Sometimes you just need to hear those little words “stop being an asshole, go”.

All was fine. Cervix attractively long and closed. My dear son has his head resting very comfortably on my bladder, lying on his back, legs crossed, feet in the air. I am just going to have to live with the irritable uterus and crotchety bladder. Part comes from having a multiple pg, part comes from me being a retard. That’s ok.

Dr New was fantastic. I am slowly falling in love with him as well. Of course it wont be the same as my first love, HdrH, but Dr New is a good man. He didn’t make me feel stupid at all. He said I was special (and no Laura, he didn’t mean special as in special Olympics or special class) and that we needed to monitor me closely. He was very reassuring.

I said that I needed to come see him once a week. He said “but you will get sick of me”. I said “oh no I wont, half a chance and I will move my bed in your office. In fact that exam table looks very comfy”. He laughed. (When I told my husband this story he said ‘the funny thing is the Dr doesn’t know you are actually being dead serious’. Well the Dr’s laugh was a nervous one).

So I am going to go once a week for a cervix check, and based on that we will decide when to hospitalize me for bedrest. I feel better now. I think I can do once a week. It is also a huge comfort to me knowing that my cervix is being so closely monitored. I can monitor contractions, but I have no idea about what is going on inside. I need help with that. Oh, another Julie suggestion is to ask my co-workers to check for me. I thought about it but decided that as I work with a bunch of techie nerds, they might not know where to start looking. I suppose a diagram and arrows might work. Rather not though.

It doesn’t get any easier does it? The worries just change.

PTLT’s = PTL thoughts
DBT’s = Dead baby thoughts

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

Someone sent me this email after reading my blog, I think it's quite funny, hope no body takes offence, you know I LOVE all you Americans. It just seemed to follow on nicely after the English lessons.

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how far off the mark you were. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Bedrest Plans

I use the word ‘plans’ in the loosest possible sense of the word because as we know, plans and I don’t usually go together. Not that I don’t try, but life has a nasty way of laughing at my plans.

However, circumstances dictate having a plan. And so, as of today, all things being equal, the plan is that at the end of September I will be going on modified bed rest, at home. I will be spending some of my time here

And here

This means I go off work at the end of September (22w), which is quite scary because if things go according to the P word, I will off work for 7 months. That’s if we have babies in January. 3 months of bed rest and four months of maternity leave. My poor employers have been incredibly supportive and understanding.

I will have my laptop and will dial in from home. However as you know, the bandwidth is supplied by windmills and the connectivity is driven on the back of two ibex, one of which is disabled. In other words, it is very slow and expensive. Because we have a telecoms monopoly here in SA, it is effin expensive to dial up. Which means please don’t send me nude pictures of yourself, unless they are really small. Julie, that means you. Your rack is way too big to travel across the small lines here in SA.

I will dial up at night when the second shift of Ibex come on and the speed is a little quicker. I will update my blog with scintillating tales from the bed.

I am hoping to stay out of hospital as long as possible. They are talking about admitting me from 26w (Nov) until Jan, but I am hoping if all goes well and I rest properly at home I can stay home as long as possible. Of course I will do what ever it takes.

I might take up knitting or macramé. Not.

English Lesson 1.2*

*I’ve decided that I can’t speak on behalf of our imperial colonialists, my beloved Brits. I can’t pretend to be British, even though we speak their version of English. Instead this will be an attempt to demystify non-American English to my dear friends, the Americans.

How to pronounce naff:

This is difficult cos you Americans tend have this tendency to drawl out your ‘a’s. Like ‘staff’ is pronounced ‘staaff’ there, here we pronounce it ‘starf’. And arsehole is pronounced as you spell it, ARSE-hole. Not ass-hole.

Naff is pronounced as you spell it, no drawing out of the ‘a’, even if you come from Texas.

Now for the word ‘wanky’. Wanky is a derivative of wanker. (Wanker is a v cool word to use.) In fact dorky is an excellent synonym for wanky.

Both men and women can be naff. Naff women are those women who act differently around men, they tend to giggle a lot and act all helpless. That’s totally naff. And actually v irritating.

Camilla is naff, although……. she did steal her man from someone younger and prettier than her, so even though she dresses v naff, she is actually quite damn clever, even if her taste in men sucks.

Lots of baby things are naff. Those shiny suits with the fake bow ties etc are very naff. That’s not cure, that’s just naff.

And oh lordy, maternity outfits are very naff, well especially here. They do naff dungaree thingies and dresses with naff bows and frills. You look like a over-grown, swollen, little girl with a beer belly.

Hope this clears naff up for you.

British English 101

Right you Americans, time for some education.

I am not going to go into the whole discrimination against the ‘u’ thing (humour, colour, favour etc) because try as I might, you Americans insist on treating the ‘u’ like a spurned lover. Tossing it aside, regarding it as superfluous.

Today’s lesson centers around the word ‘naff’.

Naff is a great word to use, I use it often. This is what it means:

Naff is wearing socks with your sandals.

Naff is your mom telling you to take a sweater with you when it’s cold outside, and you listening to her. And you are a man.

Naff is wearing lots of pink frilly things. If you were a man this would not be naff but rather queer / gay.

Naff is grown men still living with their mother.

Prince Charles is naff.

Naff is a guy who doesn’t like getting hands dirty to do chores.

And to be honest, I find new age sensitive men of the nineties naff. But that’s just me. Can’t stand all this naff getting in touch with your feminine side shit.

Naff is basically a mixture between nerdy and wanky.

You can be a naff or something can be naff.

I.e.: “Don’t be such a naff, jump in, it’s not that cold”, or “These childbirth classes are so naff with all this sharing and visualization shit”

Naff is never cool.

DH (does not equal) Dear Husband

You know how DH mostly means Dear Husband? Well tonight it means Dick Head. If there was an acronym for Sulky Pain in the Ass it would be even more applicable.

My husband is really irritating me tonight, I might even hate him.

He seems to think it is perfectly acceptable to answer me in one-word answers.

The scenario:

A new TV that wont work, husband not speaking the whole day while he is trying to fix it. Me being ever so nice, keeping out his way, tiptoeing around him, bringing him food etc.

Me: Is it working yet?

Him: No

Me: What’s wrong with it?

Him: Don’t know. (ok that was two words)

Flicks through channels.

Me: Well what are you going to do?

Him: Don’t know.

For fucks sake, do I have to fucking drag it out of him?

If it was me speaking it would be “Darling, I don’t know what’s wrong with the TV, it doesn’t want to work, could be the blah blah thingy or the blah blah other thingy. What should I do? Should I take it into the TV fix it people or should I get someone to come out, what do you think my darling gorgeous patient wife who tip toes around me when I am sulking all fucking day cos I can’t fix the fucking TV”.

JUST GET SOMEONE TO FIX IT THEN, STOP SULKING.

Apologies to my sister in law who reads this blog, you know I do love your brother, but you also know how he can be a sulky pain in the ass if things go wrong.

Breeeaaatttthhhhhhh In, Breeeaaaaaatthhhhhh Out.

Well I have done it, I’ve booked my husband and I on those ante natal classes. I don’t know what you call them there, like childbirth classes but they teach you more than just pushing. Well I hope so cos I ain’t pushing any thing out of anywhere. No manual labor for me, help and drugs are the order of the day. Too posh to push and all that. (ok, not really, I have to have a c section) They apparently teach you stuff about pregnancy, birth and (a bit about) babies. Clearly the pushing / heavy breathing shit is going to be a waste of time, but maybe I will learn some other shit.

If that is not going to jinx things nothing will.

I haven’t told my husband yet. He is going to freak. He absolutely hates any touchy feely shit, and apparently there are visualization and relaxation classes – ha ha ha hahahahahah!!!!! OMG, he is going to freak out. The man hardly bonds and shares with me (silent type has nothing on him), can you imagine him in a room full of fat chicks and their nervous husbands, talking about vaginas and blood and stuff.

Last time I didn’t go, was too scared. This time I am thinking bugger this, I am pg and I am doing as many normal things as I possibly can. (I just did that full stop so hard I nearly broke my nail. Trying to make a point, to whom I don’t know.)

I hope the classes aren’t too naff. If they are we will just have to leave.

How to prepare for your babies.

Our conversation:

Me: Don’t you want to read some of my (childcare) books.

Him: What for?

Me: To prepare, to learn. Here, just read one chapter.

Him: I know every thing already.

Right then. Good to hear.

My bedside reading.

His bedside reading.

Sure those test drive reports in the Car magazine are going to come in really handy when our babies arrive.

Be careful what you wish for. I wished for the strong, silent, old-fashioned type. I got it. In spades.

Apologies no post before yesterday, I was in my cave, scared.

Phew!

Had an excellent LBC* today. Actually was more than a LBC, it was the big 20w growth scan (am 20w5d today). I have been having terrible DBT’s* for the last few days, because I have only been feeling kicks on one side, almost in one spot. I was convinced I had one DB in there. I know one was fine because I have been getting plenty of kicks, lots of them and really hard ones, but all in one spot.

Well it all makes sense now. They are lying like two ‘C’s forming a circle, with their heads together low down on the right kind of facing each other (resting on my bladder, thanks babies), their bums on opposite sides on my belly and their little feet coming together in the same spot, on the opposite side, just to the right of my belly button. On the u/s you could see four little feet right next to each other. No wonder I am only feeling kicks in one spot. Naughty babies for stressing your mother out.

The scan went perfectly, couldn’t ask for better. Both babies growing beautifully, slightly ahead of their dates, and Kate seems just a wee bit bigger than Adam at this stage. She has long legs, like her mother. They weigh 450 and 415g respectively. Almost as much as a tub of margarine.

The best news of all (well besides having two live babies) is that the hole in Kate’s heart looks like it has either repaired itself or is too small to cause a problem. The Dr said if she has seen it for the first time today she wouldn’t worry at all. So that is great news. I will still get her heart checked out by the Paed when she is born, but it is fantastic news for now.

Oh and my cervix is long (3.4) and closed with no funneling.

Great news. I am obviously still a little (ok a lot) anxious, because last time we had an excellent scan at 19w and two weeks later Luke died. So I am not out the woods yet, at least in my books, but for today, I am damn happy. My heart feels like it is going to explode with love and happiness.

Back to the mantra – Healthy babies in January.

Next LBC next week, yes I know I am pathetic, but I don’t care.

*LBC = Live baby check
*DBT’s = Dead baby thoughts