Dead baby thoughts

**warning: hope the dead baby talk doesn’t offend any one, this is just my way of dealing with my insanity / paranoia / anxiety.**

I am having terrible dead baby thoughts. It started on Thursday, when my acupuncturist told me that my body was incredibly exhausted and that I needed to rest more. Didn’t help that a co-worker later said to me ‘god, what’s wrong with you, you look terrible’. Sensitive bunch I work with. So I told her that I was just really tired. So said ‘you better be careful, a friend of a friend got toxemia from being tired and her baby died’. Thanks for that. So that night I promptly couldn’t sleep and lay awake for three hours panicking about not sleeping, which made me even less able to sleep. I woke up on Friday thinking ‘oh well, that’s killed the babies then. This lack of sleep’. Had a horrible day on Friday, was so damn tired.

(small aside: I am tired, bone tired. I am 35, feel 85, look 95, am pg with twins, gave birth 6 months, child died 6 months ago, stressed from hell at work, burnt kitchen down 5 months ago, moved house 4 months ago, and slightly fucking insane. Its very tiring being me.)

Friday night, not such a great sleep, but a lot better. Woke up at 5am to puke, felt much better. Until I thought ‘but what if the babies are actually dead but its the left over pg hormones that made me puke’. So puking euphoria lasted about two minutes.

Then Saturday morning I had to do my weekend duty and have a bonk. That will surely kill the babies if previous lack of sleep hasn’t. Saturday afternoon I didn’t feel nearly sick enough and Sunday (today) I am feeling far too normal.

So now I am paranoid my babies are dead. Now I wish I had ordered that damn home Doppler thingy. And my next ‘live baby check’ is only on Friday. Can I wait until then? Maybe I can go the local clinic and ask for h/b check. But what if too early to hear the h/b with that thingy? Then will be even more stressed. Arrgghhh!!!

Of course we all know dead baby thoughts add to your stress, which causes cortisol to rush through your body, which stresses out your fetus. So if the lack of sleep, toxemia and bonking haven’t killed the babies, the stress of worrying about all of the above surely has.

Of course the fact that I am now 13w and this is normally when my morning sickness lessons quite dramatically has nothing to do with it. Logic has no place when you are having dead baby thoughts.

And to top it off, my so-called ‘best friend’ Julie has abandoned me to go off sailing in her father’s 60-foot yacht. And she stays in a mansion. Who is going to keep me sane? I hate her now. Julie Spelling.

Comments

[Shamhat]

I had a stillbirth at term, got sepsis about 3 weeks later (surgery, a week on a ventilator, etc.), and then got pregnant about 6 months later and the baby was fine. Your previous issues don't mean that your body is depleted. Just remember to eat when you're hungry, even in the middle of the night!

[Lisa]

Who is this insipid coworker? We will all pool our funds and have her shipped somewhere bad- The Island of Stupid People- and you will never have to deal with her again.

Tertia go see your doctor early. Surely they understand about your anxiety issues.. get the ultra sound and reassure yourself.

[R]

Don't wait until Friday. There is no reason for you to have to live with that kind of stress until then. Doctor's are paid to put up with our paranoia. Make them earn their income! :)

[Menita]

Yeah, march in and demand the us! If they say no, threaten to burn down THEIR kitchens. Ha! Come to think of it, that one goes for your co-worker too.

About the bonking - Julie's probably doing it too. And all of your babies are probably loving it - ooooh, bouncy bouncy!

R is right - those buggers make enough money as it is - make them earn it.

[Skylara]

Isn't there a black market somewhere where we can all buy our very own ultrasound machines? Or will that make the babies come out loving high-pitched noise... like Barry Manilow?

[Emily]

Go earlier than Friday if it will lessen your anxiety. If I ever get pregnant again and it looks like it will actually stick this time, I fully intend to have several doctors working for me (who all do the same thing), that way, if one can't see me, or won't see me, I'll go to someone else. I don't care how much of a pain I am, I tell them that's why I'm paying their mortgage, and until my baby is born and healthy, they should start looking for a bigger house because they will be able to afford it now.

[Danae]

I'm just amazed that you had the energy to shag during all that stress. Impressive.

I agree with everyone else - go and get a peace of mind ultrasound earlier than Friday. Also, a good way to relieve stress is to kick a dipshit coworker's ass. Do you know of any?

Oh, and I'll be your temporary BF until Julie returns from Gilligan's Island.

[Karen]

Um, go to the doctor's early, girl! Annoying yoru doctor is better than stressing like you are. *Big sloppy smooch*, I'll be your friend too if you want (but only until Julie gets back).

[Bridgette]

I agree with everyone. Go to the DR. Friday is much too far away, and I'm sure they understand your paranoia.

[Em]

Just found your blog, and just in time. Maternity nurse here (cape flapping)to promise you being tired does NOT kill babies. You are probably tired because your babies are so darned healthy and sucking up all your energy for their selfish growing! That said, go get a heartbeat check, for your peace of mind. The earliest they can hear by doppler is 10 weeks so they sure can try at 13. If they won't check you, lie. That is my professional advice. I won't offer and lie suggestions because it feels like a bad karma thing to do but I'm sure you can imagine some symptom that they will u/s you for.

Feel well. I'll be checking back!

[Moxie]

Your coworker is a complete asshat. Pregnant women are supposed to be dead tired. The babies are sucking off all your energy and nutrients to grow grow grow.

And I don't believe all that crap about stress being bad for the babies either. Most of the kids in our playgroup were in utero during 9/11 (that combo of shock, grief, terror, and two months of inhaling smoke was quite fun for a preggo) and they're all fine. (OK, so maybe they'll all become psycho when they turn 15 or something, but you never saw a cuter, smarted, funnier, smarter bunch of kids.) So don't worry about the stress.

How do you "get toxemia" from being tired? Asshat. Let's just blame the woman for everything that's happening to her.

[Julie]

Dear Tertia,

It is not a 60' yacht. It is a 4' dinghy patched with chewing gum and duct tape. I love you ferociously and am thinking of you in your hour of dead baby panic.

It is all in your head and not in your uterus, remember.

Love,
Julie

P.S. to all the would-be NBFs: Hands off mah woman.

[DeAnn]

I believe with all of my heart that you are fine and the babies are fine. No bad can come of this. I couldn't take it.

Just try to rest. Think good thoughts and sleep.

Sex will not kill your babies! Julie's a wonderful best friend, isn't she? Posting from her dinghy and all!

[DeAnn]

Without stating the obvious, I do know this isn't about ME, and that I would not have the hard time taking it that you would.

Sometimes I write what comes to my head/heart instead of, you know, thinking!

[Sherry]

Rest and relaxation=good thing for Tertia.

I pray that all is well with your two peanuts, but I believe everything is fine.

I agree with those who've suggested you contact your Dr early for, if nothing else, peace of mind.

Sending as many sane vibes as I can muster...

[Tracy]

Being tired causes toxemia??? Good lord. Where do you find these stupid people, and why do you speak to them?

[ginger]

(Another nurse over here. Epidemiologist, though, not maternity.) If being tired caused toxemia and dead babies, the human race would have died out very early on - I have yet to meet a pregnant woman who didn't remark this was the most tired she'd ever been. Protracted lack of sleep *can* cause seizures, in the seizure-prone, but we're talking about the kind of lack of sleep that makes you hallucinate, and we're talking about people who already have pre-eclampsia or brain injury or another predisposing condition. So you may toss and turn with the clear understanding that you are not hurting your babies with insomnia.

(I find that when I'm insomniac telling myself a familiar fairy tale is comforting - takes my mind out of the "can't sleep, oh no, won't feel well tomorrow, worry worry" loop but doesn't bother me if I fall asleep and miss the ending - and seems to me it'd be good practice for your baby-tending. Also has the bonus that you can change the story if the traditional version bugs you. My Goldilocks gets eaten by the bears since she was a trespasser. Your mileage may vary.)

[Pazel]

I loved my little doppler when I was pregnant. I got it through the mail, and when she was old enough for me to feel her kicking, I sent it back. I would listen to it everytime I got nervous or anxious and the sound of her little rabbit heart relaxed me. Order one today to help keep you zen between ultrasounds. It's worth whatever it costs. (Besides, after all the cost of IVF, what is a few bucks?)

[Julia (another one)]

I agree about the tired thing. The babies are just taking away your energy...but here comes the bad news:

They take the brain cells too. And well, with two. No wonder you can't process all of this when you try to sleep!

Call the doc and swing on by.

[mamacate]

Crap! I can't believe that coworker. A friend of mine had eclampsia and she would kill anyone who said being tired caused toxemia. They don't KNOW what causes toxemia. Just another person who thinks she can control the universe. And if that coworker has even the faintest clue about your history before saying that, she needs to fall down a very deep, very dark hole and stay there. That is sick.

I was stressed beyond belief throughout my twin pg. I bled nonstop from 9dpt until 20 weeks, including huge, horror film type bleeds, and this is after two prior miscarriages. I was the personal picture of stress. My babies are fine. Fuck anyone who tells you that stress has anything to do with it. They are trying to convince themselves that it's under your control (and therefore under your control) so they can continue to live in a world that makes sense to them, and delude themselves that they could control it too. You don't have that luxury. Only upside is it makes you MUCH smarter than they are. So worth it--not.

Please get a doppler. I could not have made it through my pg without it. The risks are VERY low (and are probably lower than frequent u/s, which again are negligable, and I had at least weekly u/s due to all the blood and again, kids fine and healthy) and it really helps with the psychosis. I have dark memories of nights when it was the only thing that helped me sure that for that moment at least, at least one of my babies was alive. Sadly, you can't be sure if you're hearing two or one until you don't really need it anymore, but for me, it was a lifesaver.

Hang in there. You're doing fantastically. Stress doesn't hurt pregnancy anymore than it causes IF. And put a big brown pen, cap off, on that woman's chair. I think she should walk around with a big stain on her ass all day. She deserves much worse, of course.

Hugs.

Cate