Cave Time

I’ve been in my cave recently. Whenever life gets a little too much for me, I tend to slink off into my cave to sit in the dark and lick my wounds for a bit. I like that it’s dark and quiet in there.

Some people, when are they down, or troubled, need to surround themselves with people, to talk about it. I need the opposite. I need to go into my cave and be on my own for a while.

I spent a lot of my time in my cave whilst cycling, or more specifically after a negative or a disappointment. I cut myself off from the world and try and fortify myself.

The cave is a safe place, you sit with your back to the wall, in the dark, facing the entrance. No one can sneak up on you and hurt you, no one can surprise you with hurtful comments. No one is there is force you to be social, friendly, happy, you can sit in your cave in your raw, naked emotion and just heal. You can be as sad and mad and raw as you want, no one will see you and be frightened at the depth of your emotion. They wont feel they have to make you feel better. It’s a time to be in your rawest state, without fear of being hurt more or being seen. I have this picture of this wild looking woman, with clothes and hair in disarray, wild, frightened eyes, back to the wall, eyes darting around to make sure she is alone and safe. When she is sure she is alone, she throws her head back and howls out in pain and anguish, until her sobbing subsides and she feels better.

And then when I feel better I come out again. Stronger, with my skin thickened and my sense of humor and sanity back in tact.

These trips to my cave have saved my sanity through out the time I’ve been cycling. I know other people who also do cave time. I’ll ask them how they are doing and they will say “I’m not that great, I’m going to go into my cave for a while, I’ll give you a shout when I am out”. And I understand perfectly. When you are in cave mode no one can or should try and help. You just need time to heal and get stronger.

I don’t know why I have found myself back in my cave. In fact I didn’t even really know I had somehow migrated back there until someone asked why I had been so quiet and I realized that subconsciously, I had gone into my cave.

I think there are a few things that sent me back to my cave, firstly, in spite of me thinking I am so ok about Ben etc, my sister giving birth has brought a lot of the pain back, pain that nearly broke me last time. I think I had an instinctive reaction to protect myself.

Then secondly, I am enormously frightened by the big 12w scan. I am petrified there will be something genetically wrong with the babies. I am pretty much convinced I will have bad nucal measurements (soft markers for Downs), which means I will probably have genetic testing done. I am petrified. What will I do if the results come back that there is something wrong? And that waiting for the results, it is pure hell. The procedure in itself is risky. I’ll probably spend the entire time in my cave.

I am also worried about tomorrow’s scan. I feel slightly less nauseas today. And that scares the hell out of me.

And so I have been quiet while I brood about this. I know going into my cave is not always good. I go quiet without even realizing it. I haven’t even spoken to my husband about it. And he is a cave dweller as well, so the two of us will each be in our own caves, not saying a word. Maybe I will feel better if I talk to him about it.

I feel better just coming out my cave long enough to write this blog. Maybe talking does help sometimes.

Comments

[Kim]

yeah, its a nervewracking time in pregnancy wondering if everything will turn out okay or not especially when you have been in this situation before and it all went wrong. Hang in there girl and get through it whatever way you can.

[eM]

Caves are good places. I'll keep slipping my grubby notes under the door...feel free to ignore them.

[dish]

Take your time. We'll be waiting right outside when you feel you want to talk a little. It's all about your needs right now, Tertia.

[Julia]

I did the same thing this weekend, Tersh. You do whatever you need to to get through this with your sanity.

If you need a blankie or Cheetos, throw out a stone with a message taped to it. We'll get right on it.

[Danae]

As a cave-dweller myself, I completely understand your need for that quiet, dark, safe place. Your sister's new baby, I'm sure, has stirred up a lot of emotional pain, and all the celebration in the air must be so incredibly difficult for you to deal with right now.

Sending you lots of love, T. We're all here, standing guard outside your cave, waiting for you to emerge safely -- when you're ready.

[cate]

You are in such a hard place right now. I can't imagine how triggering it would be to have my sister give birth to a healthy, full-term baby just 5 months after losing mine. And to have a twin pregnancy again, while it's an amazing blessing, well, it has to feel too incredibly familiar. Grief takes a long time and it's not a linear process--you know that. Your friends will be guarding the door to your cave, to keep the stupid people out and to wait for your rock-note-requests. I don't know you well enough (and you don't know me at all) to call myself a friend, but I'll just take a perimeter patrol. I'd be happy to throw a spear at any idiot who tries to mess with you. Just give a holler.

[Kristine]

Hey cave-woman...I say kudos to you for retreating to safety when you need it.
You take care of yourself...whether that mean a cave or the Cheetos...whatever!

[Andreah]

What if I threw twinkies and mini-bottles of Vanilla Stoli (filled with pellegrino of course, but you wouldn't know that) at your cave entrance and tried to lure you out? I don't think it would help, but just as long as you know I cared enough to try?

Take all the time you need T. it's not like we're goin' anywheres.

[KJB]

After no less than 12 attempts of writing "Gee, I know what you are feeling" I realize that cannot be possible. For reasons different than yours I also have found a home in my cave lately. All I really wanted to say is hang in there sister...with the hormones, emotions and just life in general you are bound to ebb and flow a bit. I'm affirming all is perfect on your soon to be scans.

[sherry]

No wise words for you...just more support than a Wonderbra.

[Cecily]

I'm a cave dweller myself, but mine is internal, and I still go out around people who then get really mad when I insist on acting like a sullen asshole.

Take care of you. This is scary.

Oh--and you were right of course--it's twins for me too.

[jennifer]

But you know whats great? You're here telling the world you're a cave dweller! My friends (Real life friends) they just don't get it. I must be mad at them, or going through some more 'infertility stuff' that they just don't understand if I back away for a bit!
You got it right! You know what you need to do, and Gosh, I'm praying for you 12w scan tomorrow!
Keep us updated, after you get out of the cave...