Infertility is almost a predictable rite of passage. We all go through pretty much the same things, we face similar pains, similar trials and tribulations etc. The dilemma about attending baby showers, the friends getting pg, the feelings of alienation from the rest of the world, the feeling unworthy of womanhood etc etc. The self-doubt, the fear and the loathing. It is almost nostalgic, in a sad way, to see people go through the same things you went through 2, 3 or 4 years ago.
We all go through these things, to a lesser or greater degree. Just like we all go through our ups and downs, even the most positive of us. Sending lots of love across the waves to Danae who is feeling really down at the moment.
One of the things nearly every infertile person will go through, is having someone close to them fall pg (usually very easily) and give birth.
I am having a bit of a ‘moment’ with my VFF* sister, she of the 2 kids, one on the way fame.
Apparently she is angry with me for not being there for her pregnancy, for not getting excited about the impending birth and for generally being a self-absorbed and selfish sister.
Apparently, I have enormous (illogical, irrational and undeserving) anger towards my sister. I am angry at her for getting pg twice in the time I have been trying. I am angry at her for getting pg when I got pg, that was supposed to be my time in the sun. I am angry and feel betrayed by her, and none of it is her fault. It is not her fault she is fertile and I am infertile. It is not her fault she has had two kids in the time I have been trying for number 1. But it doesn’t change the hurt I feel. I know this is my issue and I need to resolve it.
One of the things that I hate so much about infertility is that is such an insidious disease. It spreads to every aspect of your life, it starts off localized, then spreads to your body, your health, your wealth and your happiness. And it slowly spreads to your relationships with your friends and family, to your outlook on life, to the way you perceive yourself and the world perceives you.
It has affected me. It is hard not to let it. It has changed who I am. If it wasn’t for infertility I would have gladly being involved in every aspect of my sisters (many) pregnancies and births. I would have ooh’ed and ah’ed over birth plans and nurseries. But I can’t. Or wont? I think that ‘normal’ people think that infertile people simply choose not to be involved in their reproductive lives, their pg’s. That infertility is simply a minor inconveniences and really, we should put it aside and Do the Right Thing. Attend that baby shower. Speak about your pregnancy.
I have written a letter back to my sister saying that I can’t. I can’t do it. It’s not because I don’t want, because I am being sulky or petulant. I just can’t. It’s too sore. And when your soul has been battered so many times for so long, you learn to guard your fragile hold on your sanity and the protection of your soul with a steely grip. You know what your limits are, what you can and can’t take. And you do whatever you need to do to protect yourself.
As I explained to my sister (and I hope she gets it):
Not your fault, of course. Its not your fault, or problem that this happened to me.
However, I ask a bit of understanding from you, in that I simply cannot talk to you about midwifes, birthing pools, doulas, water births. About being induced so that you can choose the day your child is to be born because you don’t want birthdays to clash???? I.just.can’t. I can’t. How can I have any type of conversation about such birthing normality’s, such pleasures? I can’t ooh and ah, I can’t relate. I would love, so very very much to be able to have a fraction of those things. I can’t. And yes, its not your fault I can’t. But all I ask is your understanding. My son died five months ago. Five. Its too soon for me to participate in conversations like that.
And that is the crux of the matter for me. I just think that you don’t need me to talk to you about the birth. You don’t need me to be actively involved in your pregnancy. Yes you want me to, but you don’t need me to. I need not to. I need to protect my very fragile sanity more than you need me to ooh and ah over your pregnancy and birth.
And yes, I am sorry that you have had three crap pregnancies, or two pregnancies where you have not had me involved or cooing over you, but dear God M, you have every one else! You have millions of friends, moms and tots, book club etc. Why do you need me to be actively involved? You know I love your kids, and will love this little one as well. It’s not about that.
I am tired. Tired of having to explain. Tired of having to pretend to be ok when I am not. I am tired of having to paste a brave smile on my face and pretend to be normal.
Is it my fault? Am I to blame? Perhaps. After all I am the one with the problem, not any one else. Why should people make allowances for me? Why should I get special treatment? Why should people tiptoe around me, too scared to mention their pg because it will hurt me? I really don’t know. All I know is its hard being infertile, very hard.
I know too that we often feel very betrayed by our friends and family who get pg so easily, so seemingly thoughtlessly, we feel huge anger towards them. And because this sense of betrayal, this feeling of anger, is undeserved and unjustifiable, we keep it in. Because we know logically it is not our sisters or friends ‘fault’ they are fertile, it is not their fault they can have babies, its their life, and if they want to have a baby then they absolutely should. So as an infertile you walk around with these emotions inside you, that you can’t express, you can’t direct at any one, you know it’s not fair or logical of you. But let me tell you it is very real to the person feeling it. No one chooses to walk around with such anger and betrayal in their souls. It eats at you. And because you can’t let it out, because there is no one to ‘blame’, it festers. It ruins friendships and relationships if you aren’t careful. Sadly, no matter how hard we try to hide this anger and betrayal inside ourselves, our friends and family pick up on it. And it hurts them too, because they don’t understand. Infertility is such a fucking curse.
Is it us vs. them? Is the divide too big for ‘them’ to ever fully understand what it is like to be us? Should they? Should we expect them to understand? Or should we swallow, put our shoulders back, paste on our social face and pretend none of the heartache exists? I don’t know.
And just in case any one was in any doubt, pregnancy does not end infertility, and it especially does not erase the past, it doesn’t neutralize the pain. Maybe a baby will? I hope so.
*VFF = Very Fucking Fertile
Love ya T, it is very humbling being a "them" in your world. You explain so well but I can imagine how exhausting it gets.
Posted by: eM | 25 June 2004 at 08:40 AM
Yes, a baby will neutralise the pain, but you'll never be a "them". You'll always remember the pain and will forever be able to empathise with other women experiencing the same thing. I'm not really a "find the good in every situation" kind of gal, but this is one good thing that I've managed to extract from those years of pain. May you also - very soon.
Posted by: Janine | 25 June 2004 at 08:50 AM
Rule number 1 be kind to yourself. Rule number 2 do what feels right to you. Rule number 3 be nice to those who respect rules 1 and 2. I have known you a while now and every time you see me or my boys you are absolutly brilliant. I flinch thinking of the pain it might inflict you do not bat an eye even when I know it has the power to hurt like hell. You live in the real world T not la la land. This is good. In la la land we all love each other all the time, nobody ever gets hurt, nobody ever loses that which is dear and we just go on with our perky lives without ever having to reflect on why it is even worth getting out of bed in the first place (not my sort of life too surreal). In the real world every day is a battle of sorts - old hurts, new hurts, good times, bad times all live side by side and to keep going and make sense of the world and our place in it is a full time job. That is not to say there are not wonderful things in the real world there are they are just not viewed through rose tinted spectacles (aka Elton John). You are a very good, kind and giving person living in the real world - there you have it a good thing in the real world.
Posted by: Tanya | 25 June 2004 at 02:07 PM
Tertia--You're so fucking brilliant. Really you are.
Posted by: Lisa | 25 June 2004 at 03:20 PM
One of the best things I ever did in life was spend a few years volunteering as a crisis counselor. And one of the best things they ever taught me was that the feelings of others are completely valid, no matter what. Most people are prone to saying "let's get you cheered up" when you're down, or "oh, now, don't cry" when the sadness comes through as tears. They are uncomfortable, they are sad for you, and they want very much to bring you to a happier place. Unfortunately, in doing that they invalidate your feelings. In most cases, the intentions are good, but the outcome is making you feel even worse.
Basically, follow rules 1, 2, and 3 from Tanya. My post is just a bunch of psycho-babble to tell you that she is right on the money. Maybe we can get the whole world to take crisis intervention training so that people can learn to empathize with and validate each other.
Posted by: dish | 25 June 2004 at 03:23 PM
I swear, you have such a unbelievable way with words. Your last paragraph sums it up.
Posted by: Ellen | 25 June 2004 at 03:58 PM
You have every right to ask your sister to understand. She, becuase she loves you, should understand that the grief of losing your son is too overwhelming to handle being excited for her. And yes you are the one with the issue but that doesn't make it your fault. Just like it's not her fault she's fertile, it's not your fault you aren't and dealing with this pain. I do hope a healthy baby (or babies) will help you start to heal. You certainly deserve it.
Posted by: summerbreeze | 25 June 2004 at 04:43 PM
This post really hit home for me. I had a huge blowout with my sister this week who is complaining that I don't spend enough time with my one year old niece. 1 failed IVF and I can't imagine how "they" are ever going to gain more understanding or stop saying stupid, hurtful things. You are an inspiration. You are strong and have a wonderful way with words. Your sister is lucky to have you as a sister.
Posted by: batya | 25 June 2004 at 08:50 PM
tertia, you asked on my blog how i classify myself. uh, as somebody trying to be the best husband i know how to be to a wife who had a relatively easy time when we went through our infertility insanity?
and i suspect that god had this all planned out ... i would sure like one or two more ... but they won't happen the cheap old-fashioned way and we can't afford the expensive scientific way anymore. so ... three it is.
Posted by: RainbowW | 25 June 2004 at 11:32 PM
hell no, a baby won't ever end the infertility aspect of our lives. i wil always be "infertile". though i managed to beat the odds and have a healthy and happy dd, i still consider myself infertile. i no longer want to hang out with a girlfriend who recently announced that she and d/h "conceived" after "making love" one nite. grooooosssss!!1 ugggghhhh.....give me a break! i want another one. call me selfish, call me greedy, call misunderstood compared to what poot tertia has been though. hat is that way i feel. however, 'm about to start the clomid/bms timed trials and i feel like i'm only just to about get started on this stupid infertility cycle. damn the crack smoking , prostitute selling and no good concsious seeking whores!!! terrtia, my love goes out to you and ALL of your little ones as you all deserved the utmost care, love and respect from us all.
robin
Posted by: robin | 26 June 2004 at 04:24 AM
Tetai,
Fuck the noise. Concentrate on yourself and your beautiful growing baby.
You deserve this shit so much!
We are here for you, sweetie.
Posted by: a | 26 June 2004 at 05:41 AM
Tertia, I am a complete asshole for spelling you name wrong. I have been in a plaintiff' depostion all day and my ass is tired.
Posted by: a | 26 June 2004 at 05:45 AM
I don't think it's about asking people to make special allowances for us. I feel that people are expecting us to make allowances for them; that even though going to a baby shower may feel like getting stabbed repeatedly in the gut to an infertile, we need to "get over it" and essentially deny the way we feel.
As has been mentioned here, it's always about those painful emotions getting invalidated.
I hope your sister can get that.
Posted by: patricia | 26 June 2004 at 07:40 AM
Tertia, you already know how I feel about what you're going through with your VFF sister, but I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you. I think we should duct tape our sisters together and see how much they annoy one another. Maybe then they'll both get a clue.
xxxx
Posted by: Danae | 26 June 2004 at 03:31 PM
Tertia, Your letter to your sister was so eloquent. Its so true, she has so many people, and you just cannot do this.
I have a dear dear friend, who has no interest in kids, none whatsoever. I have accepted the whole time we have known each other that when (ah, it used to be when, not if) I have kids, she's not interested. Why would I force her to look at U/S photos, ooh and ahh over vomit stains, etc? It in no way belittles our friendship to know that she has no interest in this interest I was going to have.
Of course, being the true friend that she is, she's offerred me her eggs. Still doesn't want to touch a baby, or be shown one, but she will do everything she can to allow me to have one.
That is true friendship.
Posted by: Expat | 26 June 2004 at 08:07 PM
I think people feel different whenever there is loss. It's something that each person needs to find a way to cope with. I didn't say accept-- but cope. Infertility is loss. It's the way I feel when someone says something casual like, "I'm meeting my mom for lunch." And I think "Wow. How I would love to say that." My mom died when I was young. So, when I hear casual everyday comments people take for granted, my sense of loss heightens. I feel sad. I think how lucky they are. And I move on.
Posted by: Marla | 26 June 2004 at 08:52 PM
I'd say it's about time you made your life your priority instead of society's expectations.
That's why you feel like 'less' of a woman. That's why you feel like there's something 'wrong' with you. Because you've been told, one way or another, in no uncertain terms, since the day you were born, that you are a servile baby machine who's only value in life is to please men and bear children.
You bought it, unquestioning. You allowed it to marinate your conciousness and taint your being. And you're paying for it. You're paying for the fact that you've let 'what everyone else thinks' become what you think.
You are a person. Not a sex or reproductive organ. There is far more to you than your vagina and uterus. Life awaits. Life filled with love (there are ALL kinds of love out there besides parental! And they can all be just as satisfying!). Take the hint and hop on.
The only valid reason for bringing another human being into existence is because you truly want to, out of absolute love and devotion, not because 'everyone else is doing it', or because it will 'fill a void'. A baby is not and should never be used as a distraction. Babies are people and their lives are ruined by people who use them as 'keep up with the Joneses' accessories.
So you can't have children. You lost a child. Grieve. But it's not the end of the world unless you allow it to be.
Last, it is completely correct to request space from your sister. You are in pain and require time to heal. She'd be at best selfish and at worst inhuman to guilt trip your unwilling participation in that which tortues you.
Posted by: Claire | 27 June 2004 at 12:59 PM
**One of the things that I hate so much about infertility is that is such an insidious disease. It spreads to every aspect of your life, it starts off localized, then spreads to your body, your health, your wealth and your happiness. And it slowly spreads to your relationships with your friends and family, to your outlook on life, to the way you perceive yourself and the world perceives you.**
I honestly couldn't have said it better if I tried!
Infertility cost me so many friendships that I will NOT get back! Partially because of my attitude during the time that I was engulfed with infertility, but 2nd because I saw how my friends treated me WHILE I was facing infertility.
One of my friends got pregnant with twins on her first round of Clomid...FIRST round...TWINS!
I had THEE hardest time congratulating her, even though I WAS happy for her! How come she got 2 and I was still plugging away!
Finally, I thought we were good enough friends where I could be honest with my feelings (because they had passed).
She blew up! SO mad that I could tell her that while SHE was pregnant!
Anyway, I am pregnant now...just got out of the 1st trimester, and I'm STILL not healed. I don't know if I ever will be.
I certainly don't fit in with all the pregnant women who take it all for granted. I never will be like them. I'm kindof in a group of my own.
Maybe the pain will heal after the baby is born, but just know, I...as you also see...SO many women are in the little 'group of their own' and totally understand the feelings you are feeling and the pain in your heart...the lump in your throat.
I wish you peace, and for your heart to heal, as best as it can. Don't worry about your sister. I guess the way I logically put it with my friend was, she doesn't understand, she WON'T understand, so just state the facts and let her go on thinking I'm a bitch!
Hey, not having friends isn't as bad as you think! ;)
BTW~First time visitor...putting you in my bookmark!
Posted by: jennifer | 28 June 2004 at 01:24 AM
agree, baby won't ever end the infertility. you mind and soul stays IF!.
hugs, my friend
Posted by: Tatiana | 28 June 2004 at 05:18 AM
Geez, I read this and just kept whispering 'Amen Sister'. I do have a daughter, born from 2 years of trying, and many failed injectable IUIs. Now, 3 1/2 years later, trying all the while for a sibling, 3 failed IUIs later, trying for this second miracle, I'm in a middle no man's land. I can't hang out with the primary infertiles, and I can't stand the fertiles. My sister-in-law, mother to a 1 and 2 year old born on first month tries, using OPKs because she wants a boy. I don't understand. If I see another teenage mother I will scream. Yet, above all, I'm supposed to be grateful because I have one. And I am. And I'm not.
Thank you for your authentic voice to such a painful disease.
Posted by: pazel | 28 June 2004 at 07:30 PM
Oh wow.
How about this:
My brother just lost the use of both his legs due to a freak accident. If he sticks to years of physical therapy, he might walk again. There's no way to know. I'm training for the New York Marathon in October, and I'm having a really hard time getting motivated to train. I really need someone to come to my house every morning and run with me. My brother is still learning how to use his wheelchair, he's in a lot of pain, and, as a former athlete, he's feeling his loss of mobility rather acutely.
So I'm really mad at him for not coming over to run with me. He could do it in the wheelchair. Sure, there are potholes and curbs and the calluses that haven't formed on his hands yet, but you know, this marathon means a lot to me, and he's not there for me, you know? I *could* run with my local running club. Or with my coworker or neighbor, both of whom are also training for the marathon. But you know, it's not the same as my brother. He's my BROTHER, you know? And it's like he doesn't even care that I'm doing this marathon. It's ALL about HIM, and his WHEELCHAIR, you know? I mean, really, what about me?
Does this sound like a reasonable attitude? I do not understand why the same attitude is okay from fertile women when someone has lost a baby. Don't get it! Grrr. Of course, she'll never understand this. But yes, you deserve to protect yourself.
Hugs. Take care of yourself. And yes, a baby does make it easier, but (at least for me) you don't forget.
Posted by: cate | 29 June 2004 at 07:05 PM