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Love ya T, it is very humbling being a "them" in your world. You explain so well but I can imagine how exhausting it gets.

Yes, a baby will neutralise the pain, but you'll never be a "them". You'll always remember the pain and will forever be able to empathise with other women experiencing the same thing. I'm not really a "find the good in every situation" kind of gal, but this is one good thing that I've managed to extract from those years of pain. May you also - very soon.

Rule number 1 be kind to yourself. Rule number 2 do what feels right to you. Rule number 3 be nice to those who respect rules 1 and 2. I have known you a while now and every time you see me or my boys you are absolutly brilliant. I flinch thinking of the pain it might inflict you do not bat an eye even when I know it has the power to hurt like hell. You live in the real world T not la la land. This is good. In la la land we all love each other all the time, nobody ever gets hurt, nobody ever loses that which is dear and we just go on with our perky lives without ever having to reflect on why it is even worth getting out of bed in the first place (not my sort of life too surreal). In the real world every day is a battle of sorts - old hurts, new hurts, good times, bad times all live side by side and to keep going and make sense of the world and our place in it is a full time job. That is not to say there are not wonderful things in the real world there are they are just not viewed through rose tinted spectacles (aka Elton John). You are a very good, kind and giving person living in the real world - there you have it a good thing in the real world.

Tertia--You're so fucking brilliant. Really you are.

One of the best things I ever did in life was spend a few years volunteering as a crisis counselor. And one of the best things they ever taught me was that the feelings of others are completely valid, no matter what. Most people are prone to saying "let's get you cheered up" when you're down, or "oh, now, don't cry" when the sadness comes through as tears. They are uncomfortable, they are sad for you, and they want very much to bring you to a happier place. Unfortunately, in doing that they invalidate your feelings. In most cases, the intentions are good, but the outcome is making you feel even worse.

Basically, follow rules 1, 2, and 3 from Tanya. My post is just a bunch of psycho-babble to tell you that she is right on the money. Maybe we can get the whole world to take crisis intervention training so that people can learn to empathize with and validate each other.

I swear, you have such a unbelievable way with words. Your last paragraph sums it up.

You have every right to ask your sister to understand. She, becuase she loves you, should understand that the grief of losing your son is too overwhelming to handle being excited for her. And yes you are the one with the issue but that doesn't make it your fault. Just like it's not her fault she's fertile, it's not your fault you aren't and dealing with this pain. I do hope a healthy baby (or babies) will help you start to heal. You certainly deserve it.

This post really hit home for me. I had a huge blowout with my sister this week who is complaining that I don't spend enough time with my one year old niece. 1 failed IVF and I can't imagine how "they" are ever going to gain more understanding or stop saying stupid, hurtful things. You are an inspiration. You are strong and have a wonderful way with words. Your sister is lucky to have you as a sister.

tertia, you asked on my blog how i classify myself. uh, as somebody trying to be the best husband i know how to be to a wife who had a relatively easy time when we went through our infertility insanity?

and i suspect that god had this all planned out ... i would sure like one or two more ... but they won't happen the cheap old-fashioned way and we can't afford the expensive scientific way anymore. so ... three it is.

hell no, a baby won't ever end the infertility aspect of our lives. i wil always be "infertile". though i managed to beat the odds and have a healthy and happy dd, i still consider myself infertile. i no longer want to hang out with a girlfriend who recently announced that she and d/h "conceived" after "making love" one nite. grooooosssss!!1 ugggghhhh.....give me a break! i want another one. call me selfish, call me greedy, call misunderstood compared to what poot tertia has been though. hat is that way i feel. however, 'm about to start the clomid/bms timed trials and i feel like i'm only just to about get started on this stupid infertility cycle. damn the crack smoking , prostitute selling and no good concsious seeking whores!!! terrtia, my love goes out to you and ALL of your little ones as you all deserved the utmost care, love and respect from us all.



Fuck the noise. Concentrate on yourself and your beautiful growing baby.

You deserve this shit so much!

We are here for you, sweetie.

Tertia, I am a complete asshole for spelling you name wrong. I have been in a plaintiff' depostion all day and my ass is tired.

I don't think it's about asking people to make special allowances for us. I feel that people are expecting us to make allowances for them; that even though going to a baby shower may feel like getting stabbed repeatedly in the gut to an infertile, we need to "get over it" and essentially deny the way we feel.

As has been mentioned here, it's always about those painful emotions getting invalidated.

I hope your sister can get that.

Tertia, you already know how I feel about what you're going through with your VFF sister, but I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you. I think we should duct tape our sisters together and see how much they annoy one another. Maybe then they'll both get a clue.

Tertia, Your letter to your sister was so eloquent. Its so true, she has so many people, and you just cannot do this.

I have a dear dear friend, who has no interest in kids, none whatsoever. I have accepted the whole time we have known each other that when (ah, it used to be when, not if) I have kids, she's not interested. Why would I force her to look at U/S photos, ooh and ahh over vomit stains, etc? It in no way belittles our friendship to know that she has no interest in this interest I was going to have.

Of course, being the true friend that she is, she's offerred me her eggs. Still doesn't want to touch a baby, or be shown one, but she will do everything she can to allow me to have one.

That is true friendship.

I think people feel different whenever there is loss. It's something that each person needs to find a way to cope with. I didn't say accept-- but cope. Infertility is loss. It's the way I feel when someone says something casual like, "I'm meeting my mom for lunch." And I think "Wow. How I would love to say that." My mom died when I was young. So, when I hear casual everyday comments people take for granted, my sense of loss heightens. I feel sad. I think how lucky they are. And I move on.

I'd say it's about time you made your life your priority instead of society's expectations.

That's why you feel like 'less' of a woman. That's why you feel like there's something 'wrong' with you. Because you've been told, one way or another, in no uncertain terms, since the day you were born, that you are a servile baby machine who's only value in life is to please men and bear children.

You bought it, unquestioning. You allowed it to marinate your conciousness and taint your being. And you're paying for it. You're paying for the fact that you've let 'what everyone else thinks' become what you think.

You are a person. Not a sex or reproductive organ. There is far more to you than your vagina and uterus. Life awaits. Life filled with love (there are ALL kinds of love out there besides parental! And they can all be just as satisfying!). Take the hint and hop on.

The only valid reason for bringing another human being into existence is because you truly want to, out of absolute love and devotion, not because 'everyone else is doing it', or because it will 'fill a void'. A baby is not and should never be used as a distraction. Babies are people and their lives are ruined by people who use them as 'keep up with the Joneses' accessories.

So you can't have children. You lost a child. Grieve. But it's not the end of the world unless you allow it to be.

Last, it is completely correct to request space from your sister. You are in pain and require time to heal. She'd be at best selfish and at worst inhuman to guilt trip your unwilling participation in that which tortues you.

**One of the things that I hate so much about infertility is that is such an insidious disease. It spreads to every aspect of your life, it starts off localized, then spreads to your body, your health, your wealth and your happiness. And it slowly spreads to your relationships with your friends and family, to your outlook on life, to the way you perceive yourself and the world perceives you.**

I honestly couldn't have said it better if I tried!
Infertility cost me so many friendships that I will NOT get back! Partially because of my attitude during the time that I was engulfed with infertility, but 2nd because I saw how my friends treated me WHILE I was facing infertility.
One of my friends got pregnant with twins on her first round of Clomid...FIRST round...TWINS!
I had THEE hardest time congratulating her, even though I WAS happy for her! How come she got 2 and I was still plugging away!
Finally, I thought we were good enough friends where I could be honest with my feelings (because they had passed).
She blew up! SO mad that I could tell her that while SHE was pregnant!

Anyway, I am pregnant now...just got out of the 1st trimester, and I'm STILL not healed. I don't know if I ever will be.
I certainly don't fit in with all the pregnant women who take it all for granted. I never will be like them. I'm kindof in a group of my own.
Maybe the pain will heal after the baby is born, but just know, I...as you also see...SO many women are in the little 'group of their own' and totally understand the feelings you are feeling and the pain in your heart...the lump in your throat.
I wish you peace, and for your heart to heal, as best as it can. Don't worry about your sister. I guess the way I logically put it with my friend was, she doesn't understand, she WON'T understand, so just state the facts and let her go on thinking I'm a bitch!
Hey, not having friends isn't as bad as you think! ;)
BTW~First time visitor...putting you in my bookmark!

agree, baby won't ever end the infertility. you mind and soul stays IF!.
hugs, my friend

Geez, I read this and just kept whispering 'Amen Sister'. I do have a daughter, born from 2 years of trying, and many failed injectable IUIs. Now, 3 1/2 years later, trying all the while for a sibling, 3 failed IUIs later, trying for this second miracle, I'm in a middle no man's land. I can't hang out with the primary infertiles, and I can't stand the fertiles. My sister-in-law, mother to a 1 and 2 year old born on first month tries, using OPKs because she wants a boy. I don't understand. If I see another teenage mother I will scream. Yet, above all, I'm supposed to be grateful because I have one. And I am. And I'm not.
Thank you for your authentic voice to such a painful disease.

Oh wow.

How about this:

My brother just lost the use of both his legs due to a freak accident. If he sticks to years of physical therapy, he might walk again. There's no way to know. I'm training for the New York Marathon in October, and I'm having a really hard time getting motivated to train. I really need someone to come to my house every morning and run with me. My brother is still learning how to use his wheelchair, he's in a lot of pain, and, as a former athlete, he's feeling his loss of mobility rather acutely.

So I'm really mad at him for not coming over to run with me. He could do it in the wheelchair. Sure, there are potholes and curbs and the calluses that haven't formed on his hands yet, but you know, this marathon means a lot to me, and he's not there for me, you know? I *could* run with my local running club. Or with my coworker or neighbor, both of whom are also training for the marathon. But you know, it's not the same as my brother. He's my BROTHER, you know? And it's like he doesn't even care that I'm doing this marathon. It's ALL about HIM, and his WHEELCHAIR, you know? I mean, really, what about me?

Does this sound like a reasonable attitude? I do not understand why the same attitude is okay from fertile women when someone has lost a baby. Don't get it! Grrr. Of course, she'll never understand this. But yes, you deserve to protect yourself.

Hugs. Take care of yourself. And yes, a baby does make it easier, but (at least for me) you don't forget.

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