Suspended Animation

Suspended Animation is the state of disbelief you find yourself in between a positive pregnancy test and the point where you decide you can start believing in this pregnancy. It is marked by a kaleidoscope of emotions, with varying amounts of abject terror, total paranoia and smatterings of hope so strong it takes your breath away.

Unfortunately for some, the point where you decide you start believing all will be ok is only when you are holding your healthy baby in your arms. And that is very sad because it means you don’t get to enjoy something you have waited for for so long, the pregnancy. Sure, pregnancy is not the end goal, but if there were any justice and fairness in the world (which every infertile person knows there is not), then all Infertiles would have happy, beautiful, glowing, problem-free pregnancies.

This state of suspended animation is experienced not only by the Infertile, but also by her husband, her parents and those close to her. After four positive betas and no baby (yet), I get responses like “well, at least its one step forward”. What happened to getting a positive pg test and instant jollification? Too many battle scars for that. For myself and my family. My NBF recently got a positive hpt, asked her husband “do you believe it?” He said “no”. Too scared. Been burnt too many times. Sad.

I used to think a positive beta was the goal, then I had an ectopic. I then thought seeing the heartbeat was the end of my suspended animation period, then I lost a baby at 8w. Then it was ‘lets just get to the end of the first tri’. Then I lost a baby at 21w. Then I thought ‘if I can just get past 26w, at least the baby will live outside the womb’. Then my baby died.

So you see, unfortunately for me, this state of suspended animation will exist every day of my pregnancy, and will only end when I hold my live, healthy baby in my arms. And that is such a pity. And don’t tell me not to worry, to think positive, to have faith, to believe. I would love to. And I will certainly try, but don’t blame me if I am scared. The best I can do is live one day at a time, moving from one mini milestone to another, and hope like mad that this time it is my turn. I want to be happy, to believe, I want to desperately, but I’m so scared.

But I couldn’t have said it better than my NBF Julie, she has explained exactly how I feel.

Comments

[Julia]

Nodding in perfect agreement.

[Mollie]

Oh, no, no, no. I would never ever ever tell you to think positive.

But I will suggest trying not to think at all. That's how I've been approaching it!

I remember putting our "news" in our Xmas card last year. That was huge for me. I was into my second trimester, but it still seemed so presumptuous. I phrased it carefully. "Expecting a baby in June," NOT "Having a baby in June." Because, yeah, of course, what's wrong with "expecting?" Oh, well, plenty, if you are expecting the worst!!

You've had it waaaaaay harder than I have, Tertia. I don't know how I would feel if I were you right now. You have some outrageous courage and strength there, sister. I admire you so much.

Hoping hard it's all okay for you this go around, and wishing we all could just jump up and down squealing with nary a care.

[Lucy]

....and then, G-d willing, you hold them in your arms, and you don't sleep for weeks, months, because when they actually do sleep, your ear is pressed to their chest for that heartbeat and those little, soft breaths that keep you from going insane. Before the baby, I thought, what a luxury to enjoy your pregnancy, must be nice, how fuckin' nice and easy for you...don't tell me it's only a 2 percent chance for this or that disaster. I HAVE BEEN THAT 2 PERCENT TRAGEDY. I didn't tell anybody outside our families I was pregnant until, at 5 months, when I looked 8 months pregnant, I came out to a few colleagues at work. I remember thinking: "I'll tell people I'm pregnant when she's a freshman in college!" It was sad, really. They tried to act like it was exciting news, but I think they just thought I was nuts, which I was. My perinatologist said I didn't need a perinatologist, that I could see a regular ob/gyn, now that we were past the IF stuff and appeared to be normal people. But I couldn't. I was not normal. I had to come in weekly and made them take my blood and peed in their cups. They indulged me. And then, five days before she was due, my astute perinatologist noticed the slightest symptom of this thing nobody really gets but can kill everybody so he took my blood and waddyaknow, within 16 minutes she was out, emergency c-section. ONE PERCENT OF WOMEN GET HELLP syndrome (make sure your doc knows about it!). Thank G-d he was conservative and I was neurotic. A regular ob-gyn easily could have missed my slight symptoms and well, you know. And yet, I feel sad for my old self, who had no baby shower for fear it would curse our luck. I wish I celebrated. And it doesn't end, if you don't let it end. She's three now, and you will often find my hand on her chest, up and down, up and down. Don't run that fast, I say, you'll hit your head...or slip, or whatever. I try hard to shut up, to quell the tsunami of anxiety pushing up into my throat whenever she does some kid-like thing because she's a KID!!!
I'm sorry to go on, but you're asking all the right questions. When is enough? When do we party? What is the cost of this fear, these hard lessons learned to deep? To us, and to our children? Tackling this is not a luxury, and it's not easy for me to say just because I have a child. Thank you, Tertia, for your wisdom and courage to see all of this. I wish you a healthy, normal, pregnancy, and healthy, happy child, and peace, for now and beyond.

[Moxie]

Tertia, I wish you peace. I hope that you are able to get to a point at which you aren't feeling the constant gnaw of worry. That you can wake up one morning and realize that you weren't clenching your teeth in your sleep, or being afraid to tell people when you're due. That you can complain about the nasty parts of pregnancy (or laugh about the delights of the pregnancy), and not think that that will curse you and make it end. You'll never have that completely carefree attitude about pregnancy (does anyone? really?), but I hope you can make your peace with the uncertainty. And I hope that you can relax once you have your child and be the best mother you can be, without constant worry and fear.

[Marla]

After 4 m/c's and one child losss, I totally relate to what you're describing. I was just reading a book titled "The God of Small Things". There's a passage that says something to the effect that we can't keep walking backwards with a broom in our hands, trying to erase where we have been. Rather, we must continue forward on our journey, leaving a path that is a part of us.

It seems to always come back to the prayer, "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."

Hugs--

[marisa]

for me it was losing 3 babies and then on the final and very last cycle i wanted to ever attempt again, we put back 1 blast. that's it. one blast. i got the BFP, but there was no joy because i had NEVER made it out of the 1st trimester.
at 6wks 6days, i started the same old "bleeding", but for some reason, i didn't m/c this one. then at 9wks again, bleeding (lots) and then again at 12 wks. I was in pg hell.
at 32 wks, my obgyn told me, after he finally found the heart beat at a normal beat, "if the baby were to come now, it would most likely live a very normal happy life with no ill effects".

That was the day I started to enjoy my pg, AT 32 WEEKS! I bought my very 1st baby outfit. 2 wks later, we got the crib from the basement that my sister gave me. 2 wks later, we put it together.

In the hospital after my son was born (by emerg. c/s, none the less) I was afraid that if I fell asleep, someone could come into my room and take him from me. needless to say I didn't sleep for the 5 days and haven't slept a good night's sleep since, but now, it's worth it.

i won't tell you that things will improve, because they might not. i only pray that you get your take home baby this time.

[Milenka]

After all you've been through, I cannot imagine that anything other than a thriving baby in your arms will bring you any real amount of peace. I wish for you a healthy pregnancy filled with as little fear as humanly possible, though. Culminating, of course, with your happy, healthy child.

[lobster girl]

You are such a brave, honest woman, Tertia. I hope so much that, even if you stay in suspended animation until the baby arrives, there might be a few, fleeting moments of exhilarating, boundless joy during your pregnancy. Even if they come and go in the flash of an eye, they will still be yours.

[tatiana]

Hi my friend.
At least i managed to get some news about you! Miss you, love you.
Tatiana
P.S. Do not remember yr e-mail, my cell does not pick up JPN network, so tracked you down through google search:)