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V.weird: when I sat down to write last night, I got to thinking about where the infertile mother fits in. Clearly we're connected in the way that only infertiles can be.

You know I only started reading your blog about the same time you found out you were pregnant. And I love your honesty in your posts. I really hope that you get to that point where hope=fear soon.

You are not alone - I think most women whose infertility experience went beyond a month or so of Clomid feel the same way to some extent. Those who suffered losses even more so... it's not like you can say "I'm pregnant, yay, my ordeal is done!" I remember when, early in my pregnancy an infertile parent said something about "when" your child is born, and I was furious! How dare she assume it was a "when," since we all know it's an "if."

I used to be a regular on the Usenet newsgroups. There is a wonderful newsgroup for women with primary infertility - alt.infertility.primary - where women who do become pregnant are still welcomed with open arms because everyone there knows that the goal is to have a baby, not a pregnancy. Talk about pregnancy or children is not tolerated. They were wonderful and supportive and I still miss them. There is also alt.infertility.pregnancy, for women in the no man's land, but some infertiles find the atmosphere there a bit too positive, if that makes sense. I know several women who were afraid to jinx themselves by posting there.

There's another group. alt.infertility.parenting, that used to be a wonderful refuge for infertile parents, but I had to abandon it because it had been taken over by idiots.

Very poignant and beautiful post.

Well said as always Tertia. There isn't a place for terrified infertile pregnant women with previous late pregnancy losses. When is it safe to be happy.... I don't know but it isn't now - really not until a healthy newborn is in my arms.

Amen, sista.

Of course, I'm in a different category even than you. I've never been technically infertile. But I still have no children, even though I've been pregnant three times. And I don't fit in with the recurrent habitual aborters because my losses were all different and from seperate causes.

So I just type whatever my addled brain will allow and hope that anyone visiting my blog will have the compassion to understand where I'm coming from. Well, that, and I bug you and Julie via AIM whenever possible. But the chatrooms still aren't a good fit for me - for all the reasons you listed.

Thanks for posting your thoughts.

Well said Tertia,

This is your blog, you write here for you, I read here because I hope to be in your shoes one day. Getting pg is scary. It's what I want and I'm terrified of another loss, of watching my husband be put through another one, afraid of losing hope, of many of the things you've said. Connections with others are tenuous perhaps but your posts make me feel less alone. Thank you.

Remarkable post.

The fact that you have more empathy than bitterness shows what a great person you must be.

Of course you are going to be paranoid, who wouldn't be after what you've been through. I do think I could give you a run for the money in the worry department.

You deserve great happiness, I hope it's coming very soon.

Your posts always make me feel better about what my own complicated thoughts.

The fact that you have more empathy than bitterness shows what a great person you must be.

Of course you are going to be paranoid, who wouldn't be after what you've been through. I do think I could give you a run for the money in the worry department.

You deserve great happiness, I hope it's coming very soon.

Your posts always make me feel better about my own complicated thoughts.

I wish I had the same outlook on life as you had, T. But until then I will keep reading this blog in the hope that it is more influential on Me...

Thank you.

Now this post, I can relate. Or at least retrospectively. I felt this way when I was pregnant. I knew that so much of the blogship was women still struggling. I felt for sure that anything I said would unintentionally hurt people I have grown to love dearly.

But being on the other side of the fence I can honestly say that I am thrilled beyond words for you and Julia and Julie. I am rooting as hard as I can for your little sprouts. It is hard to be hurt by women who have been through so much and can still laugh, and who are finally getting a break. A WELL-DESERVED break.

Rock on.

I read much and speak little on your blog and julie's and olivia's and julia's. i myself suffer two strikes against me on the welcomeness front: first, i'm a man (or at least was the last time i looked), and second, i'm not the infertile in my family, my wife is. she lost her tubes at 18 to cysts.

but i also know all of the insanity we put ourselves through. my own infertility experiences have been relatively painless. search my blog for the full post if you want.

but i know where you're at, tertia. my wife and i had some scares, and a miscarriage, and so i'm not nearly as gung-ho about all this pregnancy positive outlook as folks who had a big oops or choose to live without birth control and now have a family of 14.

all i can tell you is that you're welcome in my world. and i hope you'll continue writing, because i like what view you offer into yours.

I've said what you just wrote many, many times and have written about it in my journal as well, though maybe not as well as you have. Being a pregnant "infertile" is HARD and I've been there twice. And let me tell you, being an "infertile" mother isn't always easy either. You don't fit in with your infertile friends, but you're not like all the other moms either. Though you'll be happy to know that it DOES get better and easier with some time, but the "infertile" aspect never goes away. What you've been through just never gets erased and becomes part of your being and who you are. If you are fortunate enough to become a mother (either genetically or via adoption) you still never forget the pain you went through to get there and it is easier to "overcome" the stress and strain of the infertility I would imagine than someone who never does get to experience motherhood. (I have a few friends who have tried for 5 years and finally chose to live "child-free", something that I imagine never takes the sting or pain out of infertility.)

I think we need to set up a new blog-ring for "infertile mothers" since it's like being between a rock and a hard spot!

Congratultions and know that there are a lot of us "infertile moms" out there that know just how you feel!

Although I only had one loss (at 18 weeks) I can relate to your paranoia. I am now pregnant after my 2nd IVF. I have rented a fetal doppler with I use several times a day (because once is not enough for me) and this seems to calm me down a bit. I am 24 weeks and I am still worried. I also have a sister who got pregnant two months after I did on her first try, and I was very angry and jealous. Especially after my loss. I know she didn't do it on purpose, but infertility has played some evil tricks on my mind. Anhow, I just wanted you to know you are definitely not alone in your feelings.

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