I am embarrassed to admit this, but I went to see a healer. My acupuncturist (yes she who was wrong about the pg but whom I still adore) recommended I go see this healer to help with my anxiety about this pregnancy. And being a sucker for any thing that will get me a baby, I decided to go. It was better than the last idea which was standing on my head, naked, in the middle of the highway. Or sleeping with my creepy work colleague (his idea, not mine).
Now firstly, let me tell you I am a cynic when it comes to touchy-feely, tree-hugging, moon worshipping shit. I am a capitalist pig, a materialistic “I’ll believe it when I see it” kind of girl. I don’t even do poetry, never mind esoteric, some-where-out-there stuff. I run a mile at the sight of a crystal or a dream catcher. So I was understandably nervous and skeptical. Plus I was raised Catholic. But what the hell. What’s another 150 bucks when you’ve spent thousands. And to be honest, I do think that I am carrying around an unhealthy amount of fear and anxiety. I thought perhaps this person could unblock something that was preventing me from losing the anxiety.
It wasn’t too bad. I was early, of course, being totally anal about time. (actually I am totally anal about every thing, my sister and her husband call us the Anal-tyns, which is a play on my surname. Not very nice of her). So instead of sitting there peacefully, getting in touch with my inner child while I waited for her, I got out my PDA, whacked through a couple of games of backgammon, got myself all worked up when I got beaten, tapping away furiously.
The healer person was what you would expect. Soft-spoken, tied-dyed purple leggings, big turquoise shirt (natural fibers), long, crystal, chandelier-type earrings, beads, spiky hair etc. Luckily no pointed hat and wart on her nose. No actually she was very sweet, if a big vague. We spoke a bit, then I lay down on her bed and she spring-cleaned my chakras. Or my aura. Or something. Anyway, they (it?) were aligned and spruced up. Apparently I have lots of stress (no shit Sherlock!) and blockages. (Actually, she never mentioned my constipation now that we are speaking about blockages).
Apparently I am way too stressed and should try and relax more. I know this. I can’t sit still, not even for a moment. Must do things, all the time. Busy busy busy. I can’t even sit still in a waiting room for five minutes. She said I should try and meditate for 20 minutes every day. I can’t do that. I can’t clear my mind. My mind is the most stubborn, obnoxious thing around. How on earth do you clear your mind any way? As soon as one thought leaves, another one pops in. It goes something like this: are my boobs sore, maybe not, could be nothing, I wonder how long this will take, hope the pillow slip is clean, wonder how much money she makes, what’s that smell, is it incense or a candle, wonder if she shaves her armpits, what are we going to eat for supper, will I miscarry, can’t believe my in-laws are spending the whole fucking weekend with us, oh shit, clear mind, think of nothing, what’s nothing?, is nothing something?, can there ever be nothing?, shut up, think of nothing, am I thinking of nothing yet?, no I’m not, because I am still thinking, stop it, stop thinking, have I stopped thinking?, NO, if I am asking that question it means I am still thinking, STOP FUCKING THINKING.
I can’t do it. Apparently you can buy a book that will help you. I don’t feel like buying the book because I think meditation is silly. Why meditate when you can pack/unpack your dishwasher, fold your laundry, read a book, moan at your husband, make fudge, tidy up, reload the dishwasher, type up shit for your blog etc.
Anyway. Although I am not going to meditate, I do think the Chakra healing thing did kind of help. Could be totally psychosomatic, but I felt much happier and calmer this weekend. Much less stressed, even with annoying in laws there the whole fucking weekend. The Whole Weekend. Although the inner peace was shot to hell this morning with Melissa’s sad news and Julie’s spotting scare.
So who knows. Maybe this Chakra shit does help, maybe it doesn’t. But at least my Chakras are neat and tidy, for the moment anyway. Not sure I’ll go back though. Might spend my 150 bucks on some new comfy track pants. To go with my spruced up Chakras and my ever expanding middle-aged spread.
This was a truly hilarious description of your visit to the chakra cleaner.
I also have problems with meditation. Prayer, I can do, but meditation is harder. What I've learned is that I can meditate better when I'm doing something physical at the same time. So maybe it would be easier for you to meditate *while* you load/unload the dishwasher, take a walk around the neighborhood, fold laundry, etc. For me I do my best meditation while knitting. Otherwise, my mind wanders too much. But focusing on a task that keeps that undercurrent of commentary occupied helps me free up the other levels of my mind to just relax. Maybe it'll help you? Or maybe not. But at least you'll have folded laundry at the end of it.
Are you taking flax seed oil supplements? They *really* help with constipation, and are good for you.
Posted by: Moxie | 07 June 2004 at 04:33 PM
Does giving yourself a manicure count as meditation? It sure helped me out a lot yesterday.
I can't clear my mind either, and I like to think of that as a good thing. How great is your mind, really, when you can shut it up with a wave of your mental hand?
Posted by: Julia | 07 June 2004 at 04:53 PM
Congratulations on your squeaky clean chakras. I'm so glad you decided to go with the healer instead of the standing on your head, naked, in the middle of the highway idea. Or the creepy coworker. Very wise choice. And you got to keep your pants on.
Posted by: Danae | 07 June 2004 at 05:03 PM
I would definitely advise track pants over further aura-cleansings. I mean, I don't know how dirty my aura is, but I figure ignorance is bliss. And also, I can't button up any of my pants. So look out lady...'cause I'm only a a few weeks ahead of you in the waist-expansion game.
Warm wishes for the continual expanding of your waist...
Posted by: Kristine | 07 June 2004 at 07:19 PM
I, too, am seeing a healer in my quest for a baby. Being skeptical, it took me two visits for me to hop up on the table, but it had such a calming effect and I too will go back. Not sure when, but I will. Can't hurt to have squeaky clean, aligned shakras, can it?
Good luck!
Posted by: sherry | 07 June 2004 at 07:41 PM
I'm like you when I try to clear my brain. I just. can't. Whatever I'm not supposed to think of, I suddenly think of: I'll start chanting Satan's name over and over, for instance. I call it my Inner Turette's.
I hope your chakra cleansing helped you and your tiny tot(s) deal with that evil stress. I'm sure my chakras are a nice dark, sooty, tarnished grey.
Posted by: Karen | 08 June 2004 at 03:19 AM
Tersh who ARE you - I'm the one who's s'posed to be chakra cleaning, meditating on world peace and burning incense dammit. Now you've stolen my identity. Cross now. Wanna join me at the Obs Festival at month-end? They've got some great tarot card readers there and I hear they do a cool aura reading (all while wearing ethnic prints and turban! - hehehehhe. Rolling now.
Posted by: Bee | 08 June 2004 at 09:27 AM
You should just get a back massage from a professional. That'll get you relaxed. Maybe a nice foot rub too...Hell I could use a good back massage!
Posted by: Carrie Jo | 08 June 2004 at 11:17 PM
Hello,
I liked your story and thought I would add a bit.
Quite by chance and just before Christmas, I picked up this wand-looking thing in an Indian shop in Hout Bay and thinking it looked quite nice in a new-age sort of way, I bought it for my wife, who likes that sort of thing.
The other night, I was lying down and wondering what the wand thing with crystals might be used for, so I decided I would play with it and see whether I could get any effect going.
I held it with the round crystal at the top in one hand and the pointy crystal facing down towards my chest. I held the middle bit of the wand with my other hand. I then closed my eyes and tried to “feel” something.
Imagine my surprise when the next moment I had a clear, vivid image of this flower-like thing opening up in my chest to reveal this weird sort of glowing light, almost like a camera iris opening, except with these kind of weird petals around the edge! I can tell you, I was gobsmacked! I found I could reproduce this effect quite easily on other locations and played around to discover five of these things in my torso and another in the "third eye" location. They seem to have different colours.
I have since being trying to find out more about this effect - especially what these weird coloured energy vortexes are – then found some references to “chakras” and hence landed on your page. I am convinced this must be a normal phenomenon because they are selling these wands all over the place and yet I can’t find any information on them. To be honest, the whole thing is freaking me out a bit because this weird “etheric” body I have discovered doesn’t really fit my model of reality and I am wondering whether I am having a bad dream in which I suddenly find myself in The Matrix or something equally nasty. My training is in the sciences, you know. They never mentioned this crazy stuff in engineering school.
Anyway, it seems that this simple device has the ability to open these bizarre energy centers and I have the impression that they somehow get charged in this way. I have tried various things to see if there is any effect and so far I have the impression I can enhance the effect by breathing in thru my nose and then when breathing out visualise energy pouring down the wand. It gives me a feeling similar to electricity flowing and the vortexes seem to start spinning faster and brighter and the colour becomes clearer or more pure. Difficult to describe, really.
Anyway, instead of going to one of these people that want to charge you money, I thought you might simply find one of these wands and try it yourself. If you point the wand at these centres, say, once a day, if there is anything to the chakra cleaning it might do something positive. On the other hand, maybe it doesn’t. But its cheaper to find out for yourself rather than having someone else charge you 150 bucks a pop and I have to admit it is quite fun.
Good luck,
Michael
Posted by: Michael | 01 January 2008 at 07:09 PM
Meditation is simple..
Just lay down on your bed, close your eyes, and focus on your breathing. Everytime you end up getting caught in thoughts or thinking, bring your attention back to the breath. After awhile, your mind goes blank.. and then also you forget about breathing.
You sound quite anal as you put it.. try a psychedelic or something.. your ego sounds like it needs a good shattering :P
Posted by: SS | 23 May 2008 at 02:17 AM
Well it soundes to me that u have a lot of bad karma that should be cleaned out of your system. and to quit the mind just command it to and it will after all it is your mind no one elses.if u cant controle your self like that then sumthings wrong.but i send love. andd i can do it and im only 18 been doing since 13. and chakra clearing does work i know first hand..
Posted by: scott | 14 June 2009 at 06:19 AM