Infertility is almost a predictable rite of passage. We all go through pretty much the same things, we face similar pains, similar trials and tribulations etc. The dilemma about attending baby showers, the friends getting pg, the feelings of alienation from the rest of the world, the feeling unworthy of womanhood etc etc. The self-doubt, the fear and the loathing. It is almost nostalgic, in a sad way, to see people go through the same things you went through 2, 3 or 4 years ago.
We all go through these things, to a lesser or greater degree. Just like we all go through our ups and downs, even the most positive of us. Sending lots of love across the waves to Danae who is feeling really down at the moment.
One of the things nearly every infertile person will go through, is having someone close to them fall pg (usually very easily) and give birth.
I am having a bit of a ‘moment’ with my VFF* sister, she of the 2 kids, one on the way fame.
Apparently she is angry with me for not being there for her pregnancy, for not getting excited about the impending birth and for generally being a self-absorbed and selfish sister.
Apparently, I have enormous (illogical, irrational and undeserving) anger towards my sister. I am angry at her for getting pg twice in the time I have been trying. I am angry at her for getting pg when I got pg, that was supposed to be my time in the sun. I am angry and feel betrayed by her, and none of it is her fault. It is not her fault she is fertile and I am infertile. It is not her fault she has had two kids in the time I have been trying for number 1. But it doesn’t change the hurt I feel. I know this is my issue and I need to resolve it.
One of the things that I hate so much about infertility is that is such an insidious disease. It spreads to every aspect of your life, it starts off localized, then spreads to your body, your health, your wealth and your happiness. And it slowly spreads to your relationships with your friends and family, to your outlook on life, to the way you perceive yourself and the world perceives you.
It has affected me. It is hard not to let it. It has changed who I am. If it wasn’t for infertility I would have gladly being involved in every aspect of my sisters (many) pregnancies and births. I would have ooh’ed and ah’ed over birth plans and nurseries. But I can’t. Or wont? I think that ‘normal’ people think that infertile people simply choose not to be involved in their reproductive lives, their pg’s. That infertility is simply a minor inconveniences and really, we should put it aside and Do the Right Thing. Attend that baby shower. Speak about your pregnancy.
I have written a letter back to my sister saying that I can’t. I can’t do it. It’s not because I don’t want, because I am being sulky or petulant. I just can’t. It’s too sore. And when your soul has been battered so many times for so long, you learn to guard your fragile hold on your sanity and the protection of your soul with a steely grip. You know what your limits are, what you can and can’t take. And you do whatever you need to do to protect yourself.
As I explained to my sister (and I hope she gets it):
Not your fault, of course. Its not your fault, or problem that this happened to me.
However, I ask a bit of understanding from you, in that I simply cannot talk to you about midwifes, birthing pools, doulas, water births. About being induced so that you can choose the day your child is to be born because you don’t want birthdays to clash???? I.just.can’t. I can’t. How can I have any type of conversation about such birthing normality’s, such pleasures? I can’t ooh and ah, I can’t relate. I would love, so very very much to be able to have a fraction of those things. I can’t. And yes, its not your fault I can’t. But all I ask is your understanding. My son died five months ago. Five. Its too soon for me to participate in conversations like that.
And that is the crux of the matter for me. I just think that you don’t need me to talk to you about the birth. You don’t need me to be actively involved in your pregnancy. Yes you want me to, but you don’t need me to. I need not to. I need to protect my very fragile sanity more than you need me to ooh and ah over your pregnancy and birth.
And yes, I am sorry that you have had three crap pregnancies, or two pregnancies where you have not had me involved or cooing over you, but dear God M, you have every one else! You have millions of friends, moms and tots, book club etc. Why do you need me to be actively involved? You know I love your kids, and will love this little one as well. It’s not about that.
I am tired. Tired of having to explain. Tired of having to pretend to be ok when I am not. I am tired of having to paste a brave smile on my face and pretend to be normal.
Is it my fault? Am I to blame? Perhaps. After all I am the one with the problem, not any one else. Why should people make allowances for me? Why should I get special treatment? Why should people tiptoe around me, too scared to mention their pg because it will hurt me? I really don’t know. All I know is its hard being infertile, very hard.
I know too that we often feel very betrayed by our friends and family who get pg so easily, so seemingly thoughtlessly, we feel huge anger towards them. And because this sense of betrayal, this feeling of anger, is undeserved and unjustifiable, we keep it in. Because we know logically it is not our sisters or friends ‘fault’ they are fertile, it is not their fault they can have babies, its their life, and if they want to have a baby then they absolutely should. So as an infertile you walk around with these emotions inside you, that you can’t express, you can’t direct at any one, you know it’s not fair or logical of you. But let me tell you it is very real to the person feeling it. No one chooses to walk around with such anger and betrayal in their souls. It eats at you. And because you can’t let it out, because there is no one to ‘blame’, it festers. It ruins friendships and relationships if you aren’t careful. Sadly, no matter how hard we try to hide this anger and betrayal inside ourselves, our friends and family pick up on it. And it hurts them too, because they don’t understand. Infertility is such a fucking curse.
Is it us vs. them? Is the divide too big for ‘them’ to ever fully understand what it is like to be us? Should they? Should we expect them to understand? Or should we swallow, put our shoulders back, paste on our social face and pretend none of the heartache exists? I don’t know.
And just in case any one was in any doubt, pregnancy does not end infertility, and it especially does not erase the past, it doesn’t neutralize the pain. Maybe a baby will? I hope so.
*VFF = Very Fucking Fertile