Happiness on hold

Went for the u/s today and we saw one heartbeat, two sacs. I feel so flat. I hate that I feel this way. I have just been here so many times before. I am also disappointed that we didn’t see the second heartbeat.

The Dr says he is happy and he thinks twins, but can’t be sure till next week’s u/s.

So back next week Monday for another scan.

Sorry this is such a blah post, I am just feeling so flat, and so sad that I can’t be happy at a time like this. It is also so bitter sweet. I miss my boys. I want those babies.

Ok, deep breath. It’s good. There is one heartbeat. Hopefully the other one will catch up by next week. I will be 7w3d then.

I really do think I had late implanters, but I was so hoping for two healthy heartbeats by today.

Dr said “Now, I am not joking with you, I am being deadly serious. If its twins, I am hospitalizing you from 25w until the end of the pg”. Joy.

I just wish I could be happier about this and not so scared.

Someone give me a kick up the ass please! I want to be happy and excited.

When do I get to be happy and excited?

Comments

[Janine]

I've been waiting the whole day for this post. I'm not going to give you a kick up the ass, but I am going to say that you CAN be happy and excited and simultaneously scared witless. It's still very early and there's still time for another heartbeat to catch up.
Rooting for you all the way.
Much love.

[Bella]

Oh, soon, soon, soon, I hope. You WILL get that happiness. Keep breathing...

[eM]

Oooh I feel like an aunty - such lovely pictures T. We'll all be happy and excited for you until your friend the Hope Addict dances and skips her way in here.

The US is nearly awake and I'm sure NBF will do a much better job of giving you a "kick up the ass." Lots of love to you and M and those pretty little sacs.

[Julie]

I am kicking her up the ass even as we speak, with my pointiest stilettos.

[Danae]

It makes me so goddamned angry that IF has stolen your ability to be excited and happy right now. It's so not fair.

If I lived closer, I'd kick you up the ass, but I'm afraid that you'd just end up scared AND walking funny.

Twins, Tertia! This is so fantastic!! I'm incredibly happy and excited for you, even if you can't risk feeling that joy just yet.

[Kristine]

I think your feelings are normal. You've been through a lot. Sometimes I think you can't feel the happiness because your defenses must block it out. It's a survival mechanism.
Plus you probably have a lot of fucked up hormones. I know mine are making me feel shitty.
I wish I could make the week fly by and tell you there will absolutely be two hearbeats at the next scan.
Since I can't do more...I'll just be thinking of you.

[Ellen]

No ass-kicking, but I'll put your name in my Prayer Box.

[Julia]

All this waiting isn't fair in the least. UGH!!

If I hadn't misplaced my magic wand, I'd wave this all away for you... and me... and well, everyone!

I hope you find yourself feeling cheery and optimistic a few hours from now. You know how those mood swings can be.

[Lauren]

Tertia, Being in the same boat with 2 sacs and one h/b I know how you feel You want to be happy about the one h/b but yet you are sad and worried about Baby B. It is a crappy inbetween state that all you can do is wait. Hoping both of us have good news with our next u/s.

[Lisa]

Oh Tertia--I'm so sorry that you're being cheated out of happiness and excitement. I'm thinking about you and wishing all the best.

[Bridgette]

I wish you could be happy and excited. I wish all the bad stuff had never happened to you. I wish IF hadn't stolen your ability to just BE happy, instead of guarded and scared. I hope you do get moments when your Hope Addict takes over, and that you get to feel giddy and happy once in a while.

One more milestone achieved.

[Kira]

Grief comes when it comes - regardless of what else you have to rejoice over. I don't think anyone begrudges you any time you need to remember and mourn your boys.
You don't know me, but I'm praying for you and your precious sacs.

[ginger]

Coming out of lurkerdom, here, just to say - give yourself a break, Tertia. You lost two children six months ago. Loss simply doesn't get bigger than that. Of *course* fear and grief would flatten your joy and would erode your ability to relax and take pleasure in your pregnancy. Flatness can be self-protective, and it can be the result of many conflicting feelings in your heart. It's natural to be disappointed, but try not to beat yourself up about feeling flat. Joy will come, in time.
There's no shame in having joy, grief or both. Or neither.
Also, I think you and Julie are funny and am very glad you're out there for everyone who's enduring IF and to remind those of us who work in related fields why we do what we do.
Back to lurking.

[Evie]

Tertia, I've been following your story...I am really happy for you, and it really is too early for both h/b's (i'm sure you've read all the success stories on this). Another long week. I hope you can feel happy & excited very soon! Although with us & IF it might just happen the day you take your babies home.

PS: I am PG with singleton, we did not seea h/b until 7w2d.

*heresmall kick in the ass*

[Carrie Jo]

"When do I get to be happy and excited?"

When your kid(s) say(s) 'Hey ma, I'm engaged to be married!' Until then your joy will be continually laced with worry. And even then it still will be but your joy will more likely be mostly undiluted.

[sophiefair]

sorry, cannot kick you in the ass as am busy kicking god's ass for putting you through any of this.

[sherry]

I don't know you well enough to kick you in the ass...but I do have my fingers and everything else I can find crossed for you that all goes well!!

[Jennifer]

I am so unbelievably happy for you. YEAH!!!!! I hope everything turns out ok and you get to see both heartbeats next week.

[Anne]

Tertia- just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Cry as much as you need to. My DH thinks I was depressed for the first half of my pregnancy- I'm sure he was right. I'd only had early miscarriages and not had the heartbreaking experience of losing babies. It's OK not to feel excited or happy- it's impossible not to keep bracing yourself for something to go wrong. Hang in there.
Anne

[Lisa]

Tertia
I think mild optimism comes way before happy and excited. I was in a situation similar to yours and after my last loss- it was late- like your twins- I adopted. When I held the baby the first time I was happy and excited. After that I gave birth twice, no problems, but couldn't get happy and exckted til I was at least 20 weeks. It will take you awhile, maybe, but it will come.

[Fiona]

Tertia,
You are an amazingly strong women. Your fight for a child has brought tears to my eyes and sent me straight back into reality. My Husbane and i suffer from secondary infertility, although our struggle has been much shorter then yours it was begining to take it's toll on me emotionaly and physicaly. From you i have drawn strength and hope that someday soon i to will hold our child in my arms. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I truely hope that you get your miracle.

Fiona

[getupgrrl]

I'm so sorry that this is painful for you - but I still believe that much joy lies ahead. I can't wait to read all about it.