The uterus - she is afraid.

Warning: Esoteric Touchy-Feely, Incense Burning, Deeper Meaning, Tree Hugging, Tied-Dyed stuff coming up.

As I lay on the acupuncturist’s table (bed?) I thought how can I pass the time? Playing Backgammon on my PDA would probably be counter-productive. Maybe I should practice a bit of visualization. Visualize my embies nestling into the plush lining and all that ethno shit. Send energy to my nether regions. Plinky-plonky water-falling, bird-singing music softly playing in background. (never been able to do that shit properly, I keep forgetting to visualize and I start thinking of other things).

And then I thought what if my uterus senses my fear and behaves like a frigid wife having duty sex? You see, and here is a major revelation revealed in an off-the-cuff manner…… I am petrified to get pg again. There, I said it. I am scared shitless about getting pregnant again. Getting pg after what I have been through is the goddamned scariest thing I will ever do. Nothing is guaranteed, every second of every day is going to be fraught with worry and fear. There is no safe point, where I can relax and say ‘well things should be fine from here’. Not the end of the first tri, or the second. Not even in the third tri.

While I am still trying to conceive I can steel myself against most of the pain. But once pg, I am totally out of control. No matter what I do, there is no guarantee the baby will be ok. If staying on bed rest for the full 8 months would help, I would do it in a heartbeat. But how on earth do you prevent placenta failure, PROM etc? You can’t.

Having been through more pain imaginable, such bad pain that I nearly lost it, I am so scared to put myself out there again. It’s like getting back on the horse after a fall that nearly took your life.

Ok, back to the ethno-bongo stuff. Now I am not one who normally believes in touchy feely shit, but I have to say I am a little worried that my fear of pregnancy is going to prevent these embryos from implanting. That my uterus will sense my fear and shrivel up like a dried prune. I tried visualizing nestling embies and all I felt was a slightly gassy feeling, and clearly farting in the acupuncture room is a no no.

Please tell me I am being stupid. That my uterus, or any other reproductive part of my body, has never listened to me before so why on earth should it now. That I have too much time to think while lying on the acupuncture table. That visualizing is all a load of shit any way so I might as well think of shopping lists and blog topics while I lie there.

Comments

[maricar]

The fear and the anguish never end. Even when pregnant. Even after the IVF and ET. My first pregnancy ended at 18 weeks and no one knows why. I've been on bedrest for more than 3/4 of this pregnancy for bleeding and PROM. Never thought it would happen. But it did. I did everything in my power to keep it from happening. But, I'm still here. And everything seems to be going okay. Hang in there sweetie. It's hard, but oh so worth it. ((hugs))

I fart in rooms all the time. And since there is incense there.. let it rip... the odors will cancel each other out.

[cheryl b.]

You have every right to be afraid, and no, I don't think your embryos can tell. And as for farting, you're paying your acupuncturist good money to relax you so if you fart he (she?) will know they did a good job.

[Kira]

Of course you're afraid. You're not stupid, after all. But fear never stopped implantation. Just ask the 16 year old kneeling on the floor of the bathroom, begging God, doG, or ANYONE that she not be pregnant.
Those stubborn little bundles of life don't listen to us from day one. May you be blessed with an especially stubborn one.

[Moxie]

What Kira said. There would be no need for the morning after pill if just being conflicted about being pregnant would make the embryos not implant.

A healthy pregnancy can grow inside you no matter what is happening in your head. So don't worry about the worrying. It's the job of pregnancy, even when you haven't experienced awful losses like you have.

[Danae]

Yeah, what they said. There's no doubt that you're going to be scared shitless of getting pregnant again. This is scary stuff. But, clearly your courage outweighs your fear and that, my friend, is what will carry you through.

Thinking of you!
xxx

[getupgrrl]

How could you not be afraid? But what Kira so wisely says is true. I wish you peace of heart, my friend.

[Julie]

One of the most brutal aspects of this process is that you stop knowing what to hope for. I mean, you hope for a healthy baby, sure, but everything before that is a dark, scary smear of uncertainty.

I was terrified to start another cycle because of what a failure could mean, but also frightened of success, because the very definition of success is shifting and elusive. You know you're messed up when you realize you'd rather have a negative beta than a low one or one that doesn't double...

Kira is smart. Listen to Kira. And know your friends are hoping.