So Close

He was right, She was wrong

After a week of being absolutely 100% convinced that this cycle did not work I got the following phone call on Friday:

Scene: Tertia at restaurant, with work friends, enjoying a crisp glass of Chardonnay and a cigarette.

Phone rings, pleasantries exchanged

Dr: “Xxx (name of acupuncturist) was wrong.”

Tertia: (struggling to hear over din in restaurant and slight buzz produced by Chardonnay) “Pardon?”

Dr: “She was wrong, its positive”

Tertia: (now convinced that either glass of wine is causing auditory hallucinations or experiencing acid flash backs) “Pardon?”

Dr: (now laughing) “She was wrong, its positive, 164”

Tertia: “Are you sure?”

Dr: “yes”

Tertia: “Sure?”

Dr: “yes”

Tertia: “but I have been drinking and smoking”

Dr: (more laughter) “well stop immediately. Go for a repeat beta on Sunday. Good luck”.

Tertia starts bawling her eyes out. Total and utter disbelief. And then abject terror.

I was totally, and utterly convinced it hadn’t worked. Not only because my acupuncturist had said so and I trust her implicitly, but because I had felt nothing. Nada. Not an iota of a symptom. In fact I was so convinced that I wept my tears, got over it and made a follow up appointment for this Tuesday (which I must still cancel). I had worked out my finances for my next cycle etc. You know how convinced I was.

I also bought a pack of menthol cigarettes and 3 bottles of wine on Wednesday. I took my two big dogs for a walk on Wed night, had ¼ of the pack, three glasses of wine, cleaned out the cat litter box, stopped the steroids and heparin and had sex (!!!!) on Thursday. I was going to stop the PIO as well but my husband convinced me to wait until the beta. I did not even do any hpt’s because I did not want to waste 20 bucks.

Then when beta morning arrived on Friday I nearly didn’t go. It had started raining and I thought bugger that. But I knew my husband would be pissed off if I didn’t go. I didn’t even bother phoning the Dr for my results because I knew it was negative.

So imagine the shock of the phone call. I just started crying and crying. Because I had gotten over the negative, I had already mourned. And here I was taken totally by surprise. And of course then all the memories of my losses, and especially of Ben and his death came flooding back. And suddenly I was petrified. I can’t go through that again.

I phoned my husband crying so much he didn’t recognize my voice. But he managed to calm me down. Sadly enough by reminding me that all could go wrong so easily. That made me feel better. I thought “oh yeah, ok, so we have a positive beta, so what. We have about another 999 steps to go”. I could go back to my state of disbelief.

That night I couldn’t sleep, I kept thinking that the lab had made a mistake. So I woke up at 5 and did a hpt, just to make sure that the lab hadn’t made a mistake, or the implanted embryos hadn’t suddenly died.

I was too scared to say any thing here, until my repeat beta. Which I had today. (Sunday has never taken so long to come around, I was at the lab before they opened!!) 305. Which had not exactly doubled in 48 hours. So that feeds into my paranoia nicely. Even if it just about as close as you can get. (did one implant and now is dying? Is this a weak pg? Is there something wrong with the embie? Did the sex hurt the embie? Etc etc)

So, for now, for this moment, I seem to be pg. It is my fourth positive beta out of the last four fresh IVF’s. Still no baby. So forgive me if I am just a little paranoid and cautious. It’s the first step in many many pass-fail points. I have just passed the first two, the first beta and the doubling beta. About 997 to go. I am doing another repeat beta on Tuesday. Just for my own peace of mind. Progesterone is excellent, over 120 (they only measure to 120 here).

I am still in a state of disbelief, waiting for the cards to come crashing down.

Oh and so much for the “thinking positive” brigade??? I have never been so positive it was negative in my life.

The Good Egg

Just had such a divine conversation with the main Embryologist at the Lab. Feeling so much better.

I called her to ask her how many they had frozen and she said 8 blasts. I wanted to know from her if we could test them to see what their genetic make up was like, to get an idea on whether they are good or not. It would mean I won’t be able to use them for a FET but as mentioned previously I have more chance of winning the lottery than getting pg from a FET. So my thinking is lets test the embies and see how many of the 8 are 'normal'.

Anyhow, I had such a nice long chat with her. She was so sweet. I told her I don't think its worked and why and she was so upset. She said she has been thinking of me all week waiting for my beta. She has hundreds of patients and yet seems so involved with me. She says that she has been working on my embryos for so long she feels personally involved in my cycles. YAY. What a sweet woman. She was genuinely upset by my news.

I then said to her ‘if you were me, would you do donor?’. And she said “Mrs A, you always produce beautiful embryos, excellent ones. I have been working with your embryos for four years now, I know what excellent quality you produce. In fact some of our donors don’t produce such good blasts”. Double triple YAY. She thinks it is just a matter of time.

We spoke about a whole lot of other things, PGD, 3 day transfer vs five day transfer etc. It was just so good to get her take on things.

I am feeling so much more hopeful now. I am still concerned that my embies might have a high number of chromosomal abnormalities, and that is why I want to do PGD again. But I don’t want to pay for it. Obviously. I am going to try and get my Dr to give it to me free again next cycle.

I am going to see my Dr for a consult next Tuesday, so that I can plan my next cycle. (MUST have a plan). Ask him a few questions about protocol etc, and get his take on things. I also want to find out whether I can get the PGD for free and/or test the frozen blasts. If he says its ok, then I will take one month’s break and do my next (oh god, it will be fresh IVF #7) cycle after that.

So feeling a whole lot more hopeful. Its f’ing irritating having pissed 15k down the toilet, but all is not lost. Feeling much more inspired now!!

Tertia is Back!

20 signs when a woman should call it a night...

OMG, this is me! I've done some (all) of these things before....

- You have absolutely no idea where your bag is.

- You truly believe that dancing with your arms overhead and wiggling your bottom while yelling WOO-HOO, is truly the sexiest dance move around.

- You've suddenly decided that you want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe that you could do it too.

- In your last trip to "pee" you realise you now look more like Lily Savage than the goddess you were just four hours ago.

- You drop your 3:00am. kebab on the floor (which you're eating even though you're not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

- You start crying and telling everyone that you love them sooooo much.

- There are less than three hours before you're due to start work.

- You've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to you.

- The man you're flirting with used to be your biology teacher.

- The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table, and sing or dance, becomes strangely overwhelming.

- Your eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own, so you decide to keep them half closed, and think it looks exotically sexy.

- You seem to think that it's a really good idea to get your mates to push you down the street in a shopping trolley.

- You yell at the bartender, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just lemonade, but that's just because you can no longer taste the Vodka.

- You think you're in bed, but the pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.

- You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."

- You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.

-Your hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

- You're soooo tired you just sit on the floor (wherever you happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

- You begin leaving the buttons open on your button fly pants to cut down on the time you're in the bathroom away from your drink.

- You take your shoes off because you really believe it's their fault that you're having problems walking straight.

I’m OK.

I’m ok cos I have to be. Don’t have a choice really. I went back to acupuncture this morning and she said its very quiet. So I said ‘should we even bother with a treatment’ and she said no. So I got up and went back to work. So it’s over. In a way I’m relieved to know. I am also totally inspired by Grrl's courage. Either I am amazingly resiliant, or amazingly stupid. But I am not giving up yet. I'm just pissed off about the 15k I've just pissed down the drain. And this was a cheaper cycle thanx to donated meds by a good friend.

I sent an email to my Dr asking him what I should do, and he said donor will give me a better chance, but only slightly. Actually, here is his email so you can see what a cute Dr I have:

Hello T.

My crystal ball is still glowing nicely, so I am still hopeful. A donor will give you a better chance, but not by much. We will see, and keep hoping.

S.

So now what? I still don’t know. But here are a few of my thoughts:

Take a month’s break and do my next cycle. I don’t normally only take one months break but I feel it will be ok. Plus time is marching on, at a very rapid pace. My fertility is already blown to shit according to the stats.

Now, the big question, donor or not…….,

I want to do the thing that has the best odds, but also without costing a fortune. If donor gave me a much better chance then I would do it. But to pay all that extra money to only give a slightly better chance, is it worth it?

I will go see the Dr and have a chat but as you can see he is not convinced donor is the way to go.

Brief history:
3x IUI’s – all neg
IVF#1 – cancelled
IVF#2 – zero fert, rescue ICSI, BFN
IVF#3 – pos, ectopic
IVF#4 – pos, mc 8w, downs
IVF#5 – pos, quads, S/R to twins, inter uterine death at 21w and pre-term lab at 26w
IVF#6 – neg

So I have been pg on quite a few of my normal IVF’s, this is the first time I have had a negative. However, I am a year older. I am 35 now.

So, if you were me, and this was your last chance, would you do donor or your own eggs?

Feeling totally despondent.

Well it looks like this cycle hasn’t worked. I have had this feeling since the weekend and my acupuncturist basically confirmed it today. My pulses have dipped. And she knows me very well, she has correctly predicted my pg both times and my negative cycles as well. So I am about 99% sure it did not work. I will obviously carry on with the progesterone etc and do the beta on Friday, but my acupuncturist has not been wrong before. She said on both previous pregnancies my pluses have been very strong. They are weak now.

So where to from here?

I lay on the table and a million emotions and thoughts ran through my mind. Plus a few tears down my face.

I am so tired, bone weary to my soul, of all of this. I am so tired of putting myself out there, time and time again and just hitting heartache over and over again. I am even at the stage where I don’t know whether I should carry on trying. And this is me who said she would never give up. But how much money can you throw down the drain? If it was for free I would just carry on until I got it right, but it is not for free, its f’ing expensive.

If adoption was an option here in SA I would do it in a heartbeat, but is almost harder than IVF. There just aren’t any babies available. The waiting lists are so long. I have my name down, I’ve paid my money. But I hold no hope for success.

And what about IVF? What do I do now? Do I do another cycle with my own eggs or do I do donor? I honestly do not give a shit about genetics any more, I.just.want.a.baby. Now.

But will donor give me better odds? If this is negative, it will be the first negative I have gotten on a ‘normal’ cycle (the first one was cancelled and the second has zero fert and then rescue ICSI). The next three were all positive. So is there life in my old eggs? The only reason why I don’t want to willy nilly move on to donor is that it is expensive. And if it is only going to give me a very small increase in potential success rate do I want to risk spending more money.

Can I do another cycle? Do I have it left in me? I am starting to get embarrassed at how many cycles I have done. Are people looking at me thinking I am pathetic and I should have moved on long ago?

I wish I had the courage to give it all up, to accept a childfree future. I just can’t.

And in the back of my mind, death seems such an alluring alternative to the pain of today, the pain of another failure, the pain of losing my boys. I just imagine restful sleep, no more pain. I wont do it. Because I can’t do that to my husband. But if it wasn’t for him……. I am tired of being brave, I am tired of being strong. I am tired. Eternal sleep would be such a welcome escape, so quiet, so peaceful, no more pain.

And yes I know, I will hang in until Friday, because I wont be stupid enough to stop meds etc, but I know it my heart it hasn’t worked. Sometimes you just know.

All the grief of the previous hurts and the losses come back at a time like this. I feel so over-whelmed by all of the pain. I feel like my heart will tear in two. Its just so sore.

This hurts. A lot.

IVF Barbie

When Mattel were looking to design their new Barbie, IVF Barbie, they soon realized that there was not one universal Barbie that would accurately portray the spirit of IVF Barbie. So they decided they would come out with a few variations thereof.

Newbie Barbie:
Newbie Barbie, also known as BabyDust Barbie is a bright, perky, Barbie, filled with optimism and confidence that IVF Will Work. She is thinner and usually younger than the other IVF Barbies. Her accessories include rose-tinted spectacles, a positive bank balance, healthy insurance coverage and a million questions. Newbie Barbie has lots of other Newbie Barbie friends and they congratulate each other on a job well done. This Barbie only says pleasant, optimistic things and believes that Attitude is Everything. Their motto is Think Positive!!

Pregnant Newbie Barbie:
Pregnant Newbie Barbie is the big sister to Newbie Barbie. She is still slim, now with a cute belly. She is proof that IVF Does Work, usually the first time. She also comes with rose-tinted spectacles, a positive bank balance (only very slightly depleted) and total confidence that All Will Be OK. She glows when pregnant and liberally uses baby dust when playing with her sisters, the Newbie Barbies. She comes with Very Cute maternity clothes, a double stroller, and a fully decorated nursery even though she is only just a few weeks pregnant. Her motto is ‘See! Thinking Positive Works!!’. Newbie Barbie and Pregnant Newbie Barbies are great playmates and you can collect them as a set.

Joiner Barbie:
Joiner Barbie is cousin to Newbie Barbie and Pregnant Newbie Barbie. Joiner Barbie comes with a group of friends just like her, and this group calls themselves by the name of a furry animal or has reference to a season. Think Spring Blossoms or Bubbly Bunnies. Accessories include a chart or table of some sorts, lots of smiley faces, baby dust (a glitter-like tub of ground up positive attitude that apparently has the power of hocus pocus to make one pg), declarations of eternal friendship and love and lots of ((((hugs)))).

Veteran Barbie:
Veteran Barbies are not at all related to the Barbies above. Veteran Barbies are the Anti-Barbie. They are a whole lot plumper than the Newbie Barbies, less perky (in boobs and attitude), have grayer hair, a largely negative and over-drawn bank balance, plenty of bruises and marks and a slightly cynical attitude. They are dressed in comfy track pants with elasticated waistbands. Their accessories include a wealth of knowledge of reproductive procedures and protocol, the ability to practically do their own cycle, a snarky attitude, little tolerance for stupidity, a well defined sense of humor, the ability to laugh at themselves, a fondness for wine/beer/crack and a aversion to pineapple, baby dust and Newbie Barbies. This aversion in its more severe form can be allergic and acerbic. Veteran Barbies tend to swear quite a bit (especially when playing in the Barbie House with Newbie Barbies and Pregnant Newbie Barbies) and parental guidance is advised.

Pregnant Veteran Barbie:
Very similar to Veteran Barbie, only now with an added dose of neuroses and paranoia. Continuously and obsessively over-analyses every twinge, convinced that the end is nigh. Only buys stroller and decorates nursery when in eighth month. Accessories include disbelief and a sense of not quite belonging, and 10 home pregnancy tests just in case the first one was faulty or the clinic made a mistake with her beta. Pregnant Veteran Barbies have been known to pee on the sticks up until the day before giving birth just to see the two lines.

Celebrity IVF Barbie:
Celeb Barbie comes in two versions: Denial Celeb Barbie and Out the Closet IVF Barbie. Denial Celeb Barbie does not play with the other Barbies and pretends not to be an IVF Barbie at all. She drops the IVF part of her name and thinks 'Donor Eggs' is aswear word. She pretends that her twins at age 49 are Natural and she did it all On Her Own. She also claims her boobs are her own and that she has never had a face life, hence her credibility is not at an all time high. Out the Closet IVF Barbie is the preferred Barbie. We like her.

IVF Ken:
Ken is a wanker. Sorry to sound so harsh, but besides being a wanker there is very little that Ken does in IVF land. Sometimes Ken administers shots, hands out tissues and occasionally accompanies the Barbies to their Dr’s visits (normally during the first few cycles only), but mostly he is just a wanker. If you choose an IVF Ken, then try and get one that also cooks or does DIY. Otherwise just sit him down in front of your Barbie TV and let him know when it is time for him to do his, um, contribution. Mostly the Barbies love their Kens, unless Ken is being particularly insensitive or obnoxious, then he becomes a wanker in all senses of the word. Some IVF Barbies don’t even have a Ken and they do just fine. If you do find a good Ken, hang on to him, don’t swap him with your other friends.

RE Ken:
RE Ken is the all knowing, all seeing Ken. He might be a wanker, or not, but here we are talking about being a wanker in the figurative sense. He could also be very nice. He may call you by your first name but you may only call him Doctor. His accessories are many and wonderful. He comes with a zooty new car (normally very expensive), a smart house, a very healthy bank balance and a holiday home or two. RE Ken knows every thing and is considered second only to God. Some RE Kens are kind, some are not. They are all rich. Ken’s office is filled with fun toys like ultra sound machines, dildo like probes, waiting rooms filled with the different types of Barbies (some annoyingly come with miniature Barbies or Kens en tow), medicines, procedures rooms etc. RE Ken also comes with a free Nurse (Ratchet) Barbie, who will not return your calls, will hand out annoying platitudes and generally add to your frustration levels. When purchasing RE Ken you will get Ultrasound Ken and BloodDrawer Ken. Unfortunately they come as a package deal and you are not able to get RE Ken without them, they aren’t as much fun. However, you will need a RE Ken if you are going to play the IVF Barbie game.

Mattel foresee a big demand for these Barbies and say that for extra fun and lively interaction, collect the full set of IVF Barbies, put them in the Barbie house together and see the sparks fly.

Progesterone Poisoning

I hate progesterone. I really do. It makes me ratty as hell, spotty, greasy, fat and irritable. And constipated.

I feel ugly and bloated.

Blah!

The uterus - she is afraid.

Warning: Esoteric Touchy-Feely, Incense Burning, Deeper Meaning, Tree Hugging, Tied-Dyed stuff coming up.

As I lay on the acupuncturist’s table (bed?) I thought how can I pass the time? Playing Backgammon on my PDA would probably be counter-productive. Maybe I should practice a bit of visualization. Visualize my embies nestling into the plush lining and all that ethno shit. Send energy to my nether regions. Plinky-plonky water-falling, bird-singing music softly playing in background. (never been able to do that shit properly, I keep forgetting to visualize and I start thinking of other things).

And then I thought what if my uterus senses my fear and behaves like a frigid wife having duty sex? You see, and here is a major revelation revealed in an off-the-cuff manner…… I am petrified to get pg again. There, I said it. I am scared shitless about getting pregnant again. Getting pg after what I have been through is the goddamned scariest thing I will ever do. Nothing is guaranteed, every second of every day is going to be fraught with worry and fear. There is no safe point, where I can relax and say ‘well things should be fine from here’. Not the end of the first tri, or the second. Not even in the third tri.

While I am still trying to conceive I can steel myself against most of the pain. But once pg, I am totally out of control. No matter what I do, there is no guarantee the baby will be ok. If staying on bed rest for the full 8 months would help, I would do it in a heartbeat. But how on earth do you prevent placenta failure, PROM etc? You can’t.

Having been through more pain imaginable, such bad pain that I nearly lost it, I am so scared to put myself out there again. It’s like getting back on the horse after a fall that nearly took your life.

Ok, back to the ethno-bongo stuff. Now I am not one who normally believes in touchy feely shit, but I have to say I am a little worried that my fear of pregnancy is going to prevent these embryos from implanting. That my uterus will sense my fear and shrivel up like a dried prune. I tried visualizing nestling embies and all I felt was a slightly gassy feeling, and clearly farting in the acupuncture room is a no no.

Please tell me I am being stupid. That my uterus, or any other reproductive part of my body, has never listened to me before so why on earth should it now. That I have too much time to think while lying on the acupuncture table. That visualizing is all a load of shit any way so I might as well think of shopping lists and blog topics while I lie there.

Are they crazy?

My husband’s favorite pastime (besides teasing me) is to scour men’s magazines for those surveys where they say how many times a week the average (married) couple has sex. He runs to me, mag in hand, pointing with a martyred expression at the results. Apparently people out there are having sex a whole lot more often than we are. Personally, I think they are lying. These are MEN after all who completed the survey, they always lie about how often they get their end away. I mean really, who the hell has sex more than 2.5 times a week? Even more than twice is a stretch of the imagination. Liars.

His latest find was the results of some survey that averaged out the number of times you had sex a week compared to what car you drive. I think the highest was 1.9 times a week, and the lowest was 1.2 times a week. Interestingly enough, the lowest number came from Porsche drivers, which I think is hilarious. I’ve always thought only men with small dicks drive Porsches. Who wants to have more sex with a man with a small dick, even if he drives a Porsche. Once a week would be sacrifice enough.

Sadly, we started TTC since the day we got married, in fact I went off the pill two weeks before our honeymoon. I should have known then that there would be a problem if all that sex around O time resulted in nothing. This has meant that for the last four years I have either been busy cycling (no sex during the 2ww), or pregnant (too scared to have sex in the first tri), or miscarrying and bleeding (each time at least 8 weeks of bleeding), or in hospital on bedrest or giving birth. If I count up the time around all these events I have probably been able to have sex for about 6 months in total. Ok, maybe a bit more.

To me sex is like going to gym. It seems like such an effort to get yourself all fired up and mentally prepared to go, yet once you are there its such damn fun and you are so glad you went. I always think afterwards “jeez, that was fun, must do this more often”. My poor husband is so understanding, and never pushes or demands. But I do know he would love to be a three times a week guy while I think once a week is just perfect. We don’t want to get spoilt now, do we?

Anyhow, the point of this post was that I got a post ET instruction sheet after this ET. The first time I have gotten any form of written instruction. This is thanks to the Americans*. On the sheet it says “There is no scientific evidence that sexual intercourse can affect the outcome of your treatment”. Are they mad? I am hiding this sheet from husband. I mean really, who goes to gym in their two week wait? And yet they ban alcohol and cigarettes, which I would personally find far more beneficial and relaxing. But ok, don’t moan at me, I am not smoking or drinking. Would be nice though.

* More on the invasion of the Americans.

My clinic now has a lot of overseas patients. This is because they are really world-class and a shit load cheaper than any where in the States or Europe. I think a cycle at my clinic costs about $3000, meds, retrieval, ICSI, every thing included. Its cos of our crappy exchange rate.

Anyhow, it is just amusing to me to see the difference between the American patients and the South African patients. South Africans do not question authority, hardly complain about bad service and just generally do as they are told. So for the four years I have been going to my clinic I have never got a written instruction sheet about any thing. In fact a friend (hi S!) and I offered to write some thing up for the other patients. It is so bad here in SA that I know many women who go there who have no idea what they are doing, taking, they have no involvement with their cycles, they just do as the Dr tells them. Clearly, I am a very new experience for them as I question every thing and do my own protocol. (remember democracy is new to us, you weren’t allowed to question authority in the past, you were locked up!)

Anywayyyy, now that the Americans are coming to our clinic, we have gotten so professional, its all written instructions everywhere (even how to produce the sperm sample, ha ha, husband loved that one, how difficult can it be? 1. Wank 2. Put stuff in jar 3. Don't spill any you asshole!).

So well done you bossy, demanding Americans, you have helped other patients out there. Maybe I am American my nature?

Embryos back to the mother ship

ET was a breeze. I swear my cervix and the catheter are so well acquainted that the former starts opening at the merest whiff of the latter. In and out, like a bad lover.

We transferred two “excellent” expanded, hatching blasts. I say we because clearly I am intimately involved every step of the procedure. So here’s hoping. It’s actually quite an anti climax after all the drama. What now? How am I going to pass the time for the next 10 days? Have no money so can’t shop. Can’t drink, can’t smoke. Can’t have sex. I’m bored already. Tap tap.