He was right, She was wrong

After a week of being absolutely 100% convinced that this cycle did not work I got the following phone call on Friday:

Scene: Tertia at restaurant, with work friends, enjoying a crisp glass of Chardonnay and a cigarette.

Phone rings, pleasantries exchanged

Dr: “Xxx (name of acupuncturist) was wrong.”

Tertia: (struggling to hear over din in restaurant and slight buzz produced by Chardonnay) “Pardon?”

Dr: “She was wrong, its positive”

Tertia: (now convinced that either glass of wine is causing auditory hallucinations or experiencing acid flash backs) “Pardon?”

Dr: (now laughing) “She was wrong, its positive, 164”

Tertia: “Are you sure?”

Dr: “yes”

Tertia: “Sure?”

Dr: “yes”

Tertia: “but I have been drinking and smoking”

Dr: (more laughter) “well stop immediately. Go for a repeat beta on Sunday. Good luck”.

Tertia starts bawling her eyes out. Total and utter disbelief. And then abject terror.

I was totally, and utterly convinced it hadn’t worked. Not only because my acupuncturist had said so and I trust her implicitly, but because I had felt nothing. Nada. Not an iota of a symptom. In fact I was so convinced that I wept my tears, got over it and made a follow up appointment for this Tuesday (which I must still cancel). I had worked out my finances for my next cycle etc. You know how convinced I was.

I also bought a pack of menthol cigarettes and 3 bottles of wine on Wednesday. I took my two big dogs for a walk on Wed night, had ¼ of the pack, three glasses of wine, cleaned out the cat litter box, stopped the steroids and heparin and had sex (!!!!) on Thursday. I was going to stop the PIO as well but my husband convinced me to wait until the beta. I did not even do any hpt’s because I did not want to waste 20 bucks.

Then when beta morning arrived on Friday I nearly didn’t go. It had started raining and I thought bugger that. But I knew my husband would be pissed off if I didn’t go. I didn’t even bother phoning the Dr for my results because I knew it was negative.

So imagine the shock of the phone call. I just started crying and crying. Because I had gotten over the negative, I had already mourned. And here I was taken totally by surprise. And of course then all the memories of my losses, and especially of Ben and his death came flooding back. And suddenly I was petrified. I can’t go through that again.

I phoned my husband crying so much he didn’t recognize my voice. But he managed to calm me down. Sadly enough by reminding me that all could go wrong so easily. That made me feel better. I thought “oh yeah, ok, so we have a positive beta, so what. We have about another 999 steps to go”. I could go back to my state of disbelief.

That night I couldn’t sleep, I kept thinking that the lab had made a mistake. So I woke up at 5 and did a hpt, just to make sure that the lab hadn’t made a mistake, or the implanted embryos hadn’t suddenly died.

I was too scared to say any thing here, until my repeat beta. Which I had today. (Sunday has never taken so long to come around, I was at the lab before they opened!!) 305. Which had not exactly doubled in 48 hours. So that feeds into my paranoia nicely. Even if it just about as close as you can get. (did one implant and now is dying? Is this a weak pg? Is there something wrong with the embie? Did the sex hurt the embie? Etc etc)

So, for now, for this moment, I seem to be pg. It is my fourth positive beta out of the last four fresh IVF’s. Still no baby. So forgive me if I am just a little paranoid and cautious. It’s the first step in many many pass-fail points. I have just passed the first two, the first beta and the doubling beta. About 997 to go. I am doing another repeat beta on Tuesday. Just for my own peace of mind. Progesterone is excellent, over 120 (they only measure to 120 here).

I am still in a state of disbelief, waiting for the cards to come crashing down.

Oh and so much for the “thinking positive” brigade??? I have never been so positive it was negative in my life.

Comments

[Bella]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I was wondering if you went for the beta anyway. I had a feeling... I'm glad you passed hurdles 1 & 2. On to 3-999. Well, we're hanging on for the ride.

[Kate]

Wow! I am positive this, out first IUI cycle, is negative too. So you give me hope! Crossing fingers and toes that this is a keeper for you.

[Whichever]

Congratulations Tertia! I´ll drink a glass of wine for you tonight :-)

I´m so happy for you, wonderful, wonderful news!!!

[Lisa]

Holy shit! I hope there is a wee bit of happiness mixed in with the paranoia and caution...then again, the negative thinking *does* seem to be working for you.

[Julia]

I'm gonna be the first to say it: I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT!

Of course, I've never met your acupuncturist, but I just kept thinking she was wrong on this one.

You know the old saying: The only way to eat an elephant is to take one bite at a time - and don't start at the tail.

[Julie]

Don't start at the ass! It has to be the ass! It's so much more picturesque.

T., you know how happy I am for you. I love it that you were wrong. Now I can be happy for you and mock you relentlessly. Everybody wins.

[Melissa]

Jumping in out of obscurity here to say I am very happy for you! I have been following along with your journal for a while now, wishing all the best for you on your quest. May everything go perfectly according to plan from here on out!

[Kristine]

I know.........oh, don't I know, the emotions that come with the positive. But if you're going to travel the road, you must have that positive to get out of the gate. I will be anxiously awaiting, and hoping....
And really, the wine? I totally marinated my daughter...got fall-down drunk at a wedding before I knew I was pregnant. They actually come out a bit more relaxed that way, I think.

[Kim]

First of all congrats and I hope this is the one for you.

Second - I can't believe that acupuncturist and the arrogance of thinking she is never wrong. The amount of stress she put you under for nothing and even risked you getting a negative cos of all of the stress when this pregnancy is so precious to you. Sorry but that is outrageous.

Best wishes for the pregnancy

K

[Milenka]

OMG! I am wishing you the very best! :-) What great news!

[Jodi]

I had a feeling you were righting this cycle off too soon.

Congratulations!

[Martine]

Many congrats from my neck of the woods (Rochester, NY), but originally from your neck of the woods (Cape Town, PE and Jo'burg). I've been following your journal, have cried and laughed with you...and couldn't be happier with your positive news! Take care of yourself, be nice to yourself and cherish every moment! I'll be checking in again!
Martine

[Bridgette]

I have been looking for this news all weekend. I'm so happy for you, nervous and scared for you as well, but mostly happy. I'm so glad your acupuncturist was wrong! Now I have to run and tell my whole family Tertia is pregnant!

[kelly]

I have been following you story and just waiting for you to post your cycle was positive. My last IVF I also drank wine at the end, had sex, called the adoption agency and sent in our forms because I absolutely KNEW it was negative. The wine and the sex didn't hurt my embies and we are still cruising along. Congrats and best wishes!!!!

[Emma Jane]

Oh _wow_. Yes, it's a long road... but you're a couple of steps futher along, and that's great.

[Sonetka]

Woohoo! Good news!

I realize there's still a long way to go...but it's a start.

[getupgrrl]

Hooray for good news! I'm so happy for you, Terti.

[Janine]

What Julia said: IknewitIknewitIknewit. Kept phoning Bee this weekend and asking whether she'd heard from you. I love that that your ac. was wrong. Praying that tomorrow's news is good and that the next 996 steps go by without a hitch.

[Boulder]

Me; DH! DH! DH! Guess what!!! Tertia has a +!

DH: Which one is Tertia again?

Me: SA, fresh cycle. NO folicles back when I was about to be canceled.......

DH: Seriously???

Me: (Shit eating grin on my face) (I know horrible expression, but can't think of another) Yep, seriously. Effing cool.

DH: 997 steps left to the real prize, eh?

Me: Too true, but f@ck, you can't take those 997 if the first two don't happen....

-----

Tertia, here's hoping for you, and your famous pal Julie. You two will be my inspiration as I start the cr@p over again next week.....

Me: (thinking to myself... Wine & Smokes & Sex..... Hmmm...)

[Danae]

Oh Tertia! This is wonderful news! YAY!! Crying happy tears for you.

[marisa]

Cheering you on from Canada! one day at a time from here on in.

CONGRATULATIONS TERTIA!

[OliviaDrab]

AAAAAAAAAH!! This is awesome. I can't wait to hear the results of your beta yesterday.

EEEEEEEE!!!

[Eve]

Well, yay. And my best wishes for a continued yay.

[Karen]

I am SO GLAD he was right and she was wrong!!! Crossing everything for doubling vibes and goodness all around!!!

[Christina]

Oh yay. I am so glad your accupuncturist was wrong, but I am a bit peeved that she made you so upset that now you have the smoking and drinking and sex to worry about.

[Lucy]

Teary congratulations!

[nycchicc]

YAY!

[Julia S]

Wonderful news!

[Joanne]

Outragiously great news! Lots of luck.
Joanne

[maricar]

Woohoo!! Congrats!

[batya]

I'm a lurker but I had to join in here on congratulations! I hope you called the acupuncturist and told her she was wrong. I'm so glad your Dr. was right!

[JulieB]

Congratulations, Tertia!!
So glad your acupuncturist was wrong. :)
Hope you keep seeing better and better numbers.
Best wishes,
Julie

[Leigh]

Yahoooooo!!!!! I'll continue to keep everyting I can crossed!!