Giving up – When is enough enough?

A desperate cry that is often heard on the bulletin boards is “How you do know when it is time to give up?” Usually the person asking is in a really painful and desperate place.

It’s such an individual decision. There is no magic number of years trying, or IVF cycles, or losses. Each person has their own pain threshold, what might be bearable for some will be way too much for others.

I recently heard of an interesting study where infertile women were offered as many free IVF cycles as they could bear (no pun intended, really) to conceive. Do you know what the average number of cycles underwent was before most people gave up? Three. Can you believe that? Three. After three cycles the average person said ‘enough. I can’t do this any more’. It was too painful for them to carry on.

Now for some of us, well me, this is just unbelievable. Free cycles and you say ‘enough’? I pay for every thing out of pocket and I am busy with cycle #6 (not including FET’s!). Am I crazy? No. Are they crazy? No.

I don’t think it is about how much you want it. People shouldn’t think this. Its not about how badly you want a child, I think its about what you are prepared to go through, what you are prepared to give up or suffer through in order to get a child. For some people the cost is too high. They are not prepared to risk their mental health, their emotional stability, their marriage etc in order to get a child.

I deeply envy those people who have come to the point in their lives where they say ‘enough’, where they make the decision to live childfree. They get off the clichéd roller coaster and get on with their lives, away from the invasiveness and all consuming cycles, meds, needles, betas, hopes and disappointments. They go back to being normal. How wonderfully liberating. It must be like being let out of prison. It is the place of ‘acceptance’ that I spoke about in an earlier post. I envy them. I really do.

Because I can’t give up. Even being through all the pain I have been through, and living this hell daily, I still can’t give up. Because giving up is scarier to me than carrying on. A childfree future is just not an option for me. Which means that I am never giving up.

Am I brave or am I stupid? Is it perseverance or is it obsession? I don’t know. All I know is that I am not prepared to live my future childfree. And yes, I will do what it takes to get there. There are so many people in my life, not my family, because they know how important this is to me, but other people, who think I am obsessed, that I am crazy for doing this to myself, to put myself out there time and time again, only to have my soul destroyed and heart broken so often. They don’t understand my need or drive for a child. They say: ‘don’t you think you should give up now?’, ‘don’t think that god/fate/nature is sending you a message?’.

And there in lies the rub. I am not prepared to buy into the belief that this is my lot in life, that this is my life plan. That I am not ‘meant’ to have a child. Bullshit. I am not going to accept that. I am not an observer in my life, I am a participant. I have control over my fate, because I have choices. I will have a child one day; it might not be in the way I expected. Hell, what am I saying, I expected to have a shag and end up pg, IVF is already an exercise in the absurd. So my child might come to me through donor eggs, adoption, whatever. The how is no longer important to me, the end result is.

I am not obsessed. I know I have come close to obsession, about three years ago, when it consumed my life, but now I am just determined. I will succeed, because the alternative is not an option to me. Making the decision to eliminate childfree as an alternative for me has brought incredible peace. Because I know, come what may, I will have a child. It makes the daily grind of infertility so much easier to deal with, because I know I will have a happy ending in my life story.

To get back to the question of when is enough enough, I think the answer is when the pain of trying is worse than the pain of giving up. For me, the pain of stopping is way greater than the pain of trying.

Don’t let any one make you doubt yourself. Do what is right for you. If it takes 5, 10 or 20 IVF’s for you to come to the place in your life where you either achieve success, or where you say ‘enough’, then that is what it takes. I know of a few people who almost feel embarrassed at the number of IVF’s they have done. They shouldn’t feel embarrassed. Going through this over and over is incredibly brave, it shows incredible determination and drive. Only you will know when enough is enough. And if you decide you can’t or wont do this any more, then celebrate your decision as a very brave decision, and live your life to the fullest. We each can have our own version of a ‘happily ever after’, but it has to be right for you.

Comments

[Julie]

*applause*

[Karen]

Yeah.

Wow, what an awesome wipe-me-off-the ceiling post. I could do 20 IVF's if they were all free, I think.

Three is cake so far. And your never give up attitude is the best.

[Karen]

Yeah.

Wow, what an awesome wipe-me-off-the ceiling post. I could do 20 IVF's if they were all free, I think.

[Karen]

Sorry for the double post!

[Bianca]

Jees Tertia. So close to the heart at the moment. Like you said, there is no magic number. There is no magic moment in time.

I am convinced that the attitude of the medicos has something to do with why folks feel abnormal if they need to go througtoh this more often than "i'll get you pregnant in 3 cycles".

But yes, when the pain and banality of trying again is worse, you need to look inside yourself.

Cause in the end, what might be left of me is but a burning skeleton.

I wish the choice was not mine though, but imposed.

[holly]

Tertia-

Thank you for writing this. With 4 under my belt, I am one of those embarrassed participants. If constantly find myself explaining "well, yes, technically I have had 4 transfers, but one took 3 hours, the embryos stuck, blah blah blah- so that doesn't count, the there was the one where..." You hit it- it is brave to keep trying. Like you, I know that I cannot live a child free life and stopping treatment is the scariest thing in the world.

Three? I just can't imagine. And I am someone that is willing to adopt, use surrogacy, etc. But damn it- this our one ride on this earth and I am not going to let random, crappy luck and genetics dictate what my future is going to hold. Something in me just wants to fight like hell to make our dream happen. can't thank you enough for posting this- it really hit home.

h

[Anon]

Having just received my first BFP on cycle #10, I can really appreciate your post.

You have been such an inspiration to me. If ever I think that I have been through a lot, I think of you. You are the poster child of how to cope.

Your posts, and now your blog, have made me laugh and cry, and I can't thank you enough.

By the way, after 9 BFNs, I finally decided to try donor eggs and I thank God for the 23 year old whose genetic traints are in my womb.

Good luck and thanks.

[Julia]

Well put.

[juliechristi]

WOW is right!

now when i'm accused of being obsessed by my non-fertile acquantances who *think* they know what's best for me, i can reply...

"I'm not obsessed... I'm DETERMINED"

i love it! thank you for that!

[juliechristi]

oops... sorry for the spelling (i.e., typing) errors

[Jennie]

thank you, not just for sending the link but for putting into words what I am feeling but too lazy/confuddled to communicate.

[CharUpton]

Dear Tertia and all the others who've posted here

I am one of the number who've been there done that and towards the end of 2006 I got to the point where I could not continue with treatment anymore. My hubby and I had been trying for 5 years, with only one positive result which ended in miscarriage after only a few weeks. Thank you for putting into words what I have been unable to communicate to others. The brave face that feels stuck on. The obsesssion and the failure. The intense desire for something that feels forbidden. The comments that "maybe you're not meant to have kids". Your honesty has given me permission to be honest with myself and with others. For the first time I've realized that it's OK to feel discouraged, lonely, exasperated, faulty, isolated and left out. It's OK to be unhappy with my lot. It's OK for me to cry out in anger and disappointment. My feelings ARE real. I am not imagining my loss. I am not The Only One dealing with this type of pain. Thank you for breathing life into me again. Thank you for saying all those things I've been too afraid to verbalize. You have liberated me!

[eternally hopeful]

Dear Tertia
Thank you for allowing me to feel normal again.I have been trying about 8 times now and almost resolved to the influence of others that I had to give up.The drive deep down to keep trying is what keeps me alive. I will and cannot give up right now. Thank you for breathing the air of hope back into my lungs.

[ces]

this is a great article, I did one IVF but I had miscarriage. I am actually scared to do it again bec I was devastated knowing that I was pregnant and then the next day, I am not, my 2nd IVF will be my last bec we cannot afford it anymore but like you, if only I can, I will not give up on doing IVF or other artificial means and if it still did not work, I will make sure I adopt a child someday. My husband thinks I am obsessed with having a baby and i am admitting to him that I am, right now, mostly, I think about is having kids. I dont give a damn having a new car or a new home whatever.

[Yolanda]

Hitting real close to home.

I was neva that advantaged to go for IVF's. As the doctor said the factory is closed from the beginning unfortunately the problem was with my husband. Years of getting 10th opinions and doing research phoning here and there and just giving up the fire in me just couldn't die after years of just trying everything on deciding what to do for a child, we aswell couldn't see ourselves childless and went the adoption route and I wouldn't look back once, we adopted a 7 month old baby girl, hiv negative healty as can get, bubbly most precious sweet good baby that laughs at the world nothing can get her down she wakes up with a smile and goes to bed with a smile and I mean it literally. Now after so many years of tears my fire has been blown out, I have what I been seeking my whole life. We are one colourfull YET HAPPY family.

You go for it tertia, make your dream come true!!!

[Zonia]

Dear Tertia,
This was my 1st time reading ur wonderfull story. I also had a miscarriage after strugling for 2 years. Then I fell pregnant natuarally-omg!!, but being an ectopic preg. I lost my baby and my right tube. Now another 2 years on, I am with a wonderfull dr, that is trying his best. Thank you for giving people like me more hope for the future. All the best for all the other woman still trying. Hope is always a good thing!! Keep up what you do best!!

[Jennifer]

I just found out the results of IVF#3, negative. With one ovary and blocked tubes, IVF is the only way to go. I feel rather hopeless right now, but that won't last. This beautiful message is helping me through a terrible time and letting me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you.

[sue]

my only wish is to have a baby.im 41 being trying for 3yrs.after ai no5 i fell pregnant but lost my baby girl last year.dr said she was normal.why did this have to happen.i had 3 more ai with no success.i will keep trying till i am to old.reading all your post help me when iam feeling down.thank you for carring

[Karen G]

The only thing that is making me go for attempt No. 4 is that I also read about the "3 times" statistic and I don't want to be a statistic. I am 42 and been trying to get pregnant since I was 35 - 7 years.

I have done 2 artificial inseminations (total waste of time), 3 IVF's (one resulted in a pregnancy but I lost it after a couple of weeks).

I have reached a stage where I cannot carry on, one more and then I'm giving up.

Some of you are worried that people think you are obsessed, nonsense! I am worried that people think I have not tried hard enough, I didn't want it enough, I'm not strong enough etc.. also nonsense.

I have cried enough for 99 failed IVF's and I just don't want to do it anymore.

I know my magic number, and its 4.

[RandomMale]

Stumbled across this while looking for some kinda guidance...

Yeah, I know, I'm a guy so the IVF process isn't quite the same for us. We don't revieve the the injections, the meds, the invasive techniques, the physical pain but believe me when I say we feel the emotional pain every bit as much as our partners, coupled with the feeling of total helplessness...

For the record my partner and I have had 1 IUI, 2 full IVF cycles and 3 donor cycles as we were advised that that offered our best chance...

If I had my way and money was unlimited then I'd keep going to hell freezes over, not being able to have kids with the one I want to spend forever with is killing me but I'm not the only one involved in the decision. Sadly, money is drying up the Dr's sound less confident than they used to that things will work and my partner is loosing the will to continue.

When is the right time to stop? I really don't know... I suspect that will come soon as she can't cope with much more but what happens if both sides have different times to stop.

That's the problem I'm coping with and there's a fair chance that if I can't give up on this then as well as no happy, little smiley person that I so desperatley want, I'll end up loosing the relationship as well but right now, it's a risk I have to take...

[genevieve]

If there was money and my doctor would do the transfers - I would to unlimited cycles I can not forsee an end - but not only is the money not there - my doctor will not do any cycles on me of IVF - and won't do any more IUI cycles on my becuase of repeated high FSHs - but if it was an option for me - i'd do it

[pgd613]

I've been struggling with infertility for 15 years, yes 15 years. It's getting pretty close to saying enough is enough. I had 6 miscarriages, and 4 IVF / PGD cycles for a balanced chromosome translocation. I have had only one egg, yes one egg out of the over 60 that were retrieved from me in those 4 cycles, that was good - meaning chromosomally normal (none were balanced, all unbalanced) (not talking about fertilized eggs or growing embryos - I've had over 50 of those and yes, only 1 chromosonally good). I was lucky enough to have that egg transferred. I did two IVF/PGD cycles since then, my last was in Feb, and I am approaching age 41. 4 weeks ago, at age 40, I had 15 eggs, 10 embryos, but you guessed it, none normal (nor balanced). It is getting close to saying enough is enough, but I can't yet, and I do not know anyone even close to my situation. I'd love to hear from you if you have been going through anything like this for 15 or more years - or close. I challenged everything, researched it all myself before the internet was even around, and found technology that was super experimental in the 90s (PGD) but now it's coming into vogue. I had to fight doctors to help me, they didn't know what I had, and even IVF doctors didn't know about PGD and I had to try dr after dr after dr after dr to find one to help me do a PGD/IVF cycle in conjunction with an experimental lab in another state. I am in this very devastated place. Do we adopt... Do we try again... and when does it stop. And of course, everywhere you look is babies and pregnant people and...

[lisa]

Hi well that brought some much needed tears to my eyes. i have just used the last of my embryos in my first cycle and it was a negative.
the last one was a chemical pregnancy- we dont even get to call it a misscarraige because it was so early- kind of made me feel like i wasnt allowed to grieve. But with your helpful words i feel now that i am

do you know how helpful you are?

i doubt it

thankyou x

[fatima]

you're definately an inspiration, this will be my 5th year trying since my one and only gorgeous daughter born in 2001, and i'm not giving up!! everywhere theres cheerful pregnant couples and cutie new borns, i keep on praying that my day will come soon...it's like when you're single and you only bump into those annoying loving couples and wonder when will i be next..

[Clauds]

After my 7th (negative) IVF I am still hanging in there. Whatever it takes, I'll have my baby. I'll continue till my womb is dried and shrivelled... I will have my fairy tale. You wait and see Girls... (but trust me this has been a bitter journey so far, everyone around me is preggies and sending their "messages of hope", like hell that is going to help,some money into my bank account WILL HELP!)

[godivagirl]

After 1 IUI and 3 IVFS I'm done. I'm out of money and at 39 out of time. Some days i don't want to get out of bed. Everyone walks around me on egg shells (pun intended) they think I'll go crazy at any moment. My husband fast forwards through diaper commercials while looking at me sideways, as if i am this volcano that could go off any moment. 3... 3 ivfs it's enough, I'm done. Hopes and dreams zero.

[Jennifer]

Tertia - I must first admit that I have been lurker on your blog for some time. One overwhelming day I googled when is enough enough, while going through IVF and low and behold your blog was one of the first links to pop up. I read all through your infertility journey, your thoughts about surviving infertility, and your recent posts about life in general and your beautiful family.

Where do I begin about my journey? I will tell you that you and I have experienced very similar heartache. I married the love of my life in 2005 at the age of 29. Not old, but considered older than some brides. I went off the pill in 2006 at the age of 30. I found out I do not ovulate, or menstruate on my own. In May of 2006 we started on our journey. After 5 failed IUIs and several tests later we decided that IVF was our ticket. In November 2007, IVF #1 was "successful". I had 30 eggs retrieved and 13 survived to blasts. However, on the day of our transfer we were told that there were only three that looked good to transfer and that they weren't sure we would have any to freeze. This was not what we thought would happen. We anticipated that we would transfer two and have at least 10 to freeze. My doctor suggested that we transfer the three that looked good to increase our chances of a positive pregnancy. So we did. The next day we got a call that said 10 of our embryos exploded over night and were the best they had seen, so we got to freeze them. Two weeks later we found out I was pregnant and it was triplets. We were excited and nervous about triplets. My doctor wanted weekly ultrasounds to make sure all three looked good. At 8 weeks, one didn't look right and we started to prepare for twins. We came back at just over 9 weeks and there were now 4 heartbeats. The one that didn't look right had split to identical twins. The problem was there was no membrane between them, so they were sharing a sac and placenta...not good! We were told that selective reduction was our best bet to a healthy pregnancy, or we could loose all of them. During my 12th week we did the reduction and it was horrible, but we made it and were finally excited to enjoy this pregnancy . 5.5 weeks later my water broke (18 weeks pregnant). We were told that we had a 95% chance of losing the whole pregnancy. Our options were limited and we had to induce my labor. The risk of infection was getting high and after 48 hours of trying to induce my labor nothing was happening, so I had to have an emergency D&E. This by far was the most tragic thing we have ever been through. We loss everything!

5 weeks later I went back to see my fertility doctor and she said she was 99% sure the reduction caused my water to break, even though we were so far out from the procedure. We were devastated and frustrated, but even to this day we would not have done anything differently. We really had no other positive choices at the time.

5 months later, this past July, we did our first FET and transfered two embryos. This ended with a chemical pregnancy. August we did FET #2 and this ended with a blighted ovum (only a small gestational sac formed with no baby). It was confirmed on September 29. I truly thought when we decided to try again, getting pregnant would be the issue, not staying pregnant. I am not ready to give up, but I often wonder what my breaking point will be? Next on the list is genetic testing on both of us before the next FET in either November, or December. I am still on the fence about starting fresh and do IVF #2 instead of FETs, but we'll see.

Your story and your beautiful twins are such an inspiration. It sucks that anyone has to go through infertility and/or losses, but some way, some how I will be a Mom. I can't even imagine what it will be like for my husband and I to look into each other's eyes after we have our babies and say enough.

Thank you for sharing your journey and life with the world!
Jennifer (Wisconsin, USA)

[CJ]

This is an uplifting log for anyone wrestling with the question of "when is enough?" in any area of their life, not just when it comes to IVF and children. I have reached a point where I have said "enough" about something very different - for me the pain of living in false hope and fruitless attempts is worse than the pain of accepting the outcome (it also seems, in my case, to be quicker anyway). I think it's admirable how you emphasise that we each have to make our own decision, and should not feel ashamed of our decision. Thank you!

[Mia]

Thank you, thank you all so much, for so long now not allowing myself to cry, not allowing myself to feel any sense of loss, putting on a brave face because thats what everyone expects, afterall 'I didnt loss anything, it just didnt work'.
If only they knew that everytime it didnt work a little piece of me died, a little piece of me that was once so complete is now completely broken.
I lost both my fallopian tubes and one ovary, my first IVF they didnt retrieve any eggs, at each step I failed,I felt more alone than anyone in the world, and i hated myself, my self indulgence and my self pity made me sick and i considered giving up, because each time it fails i become even more removed from the person I once was. I was once happy, reall happy, to the outside world I still am. I thank you all so much because you have made me cry, really cry until i have no more tears, tears that have been building up for years, you allow me to grieve for all that I have lost and more than anything you understand the pain. Thank you, I needed this. I will not give up x x

[canuck in TTC limbo]

tertia! thank you. you have articulated so many of my fears and hopes.

I have stumbled on your blog as I am struggling after a failed FET whether to persue having a 3rd child. I have twins from IVF.

Of course.... the main thing that keeps coming up is "give up, and be happy with what you have." I love my twins... I just don't feel that done feeling I keep hearing about. I wish I did - it would be so much easier. But I realize I have a huge emotional and financial battle a head if I plunge into IVF again.

[Broken Hearted]

At the age of 34 I went for a consult with my RE and I had no idea what lay ahead of me. After 3 IUI cycles and 2 IVF cycles with my own eggs, we decided to move onto donor eggs using my sister's eggs. I immediately got pregnant but miscarried a few weeks later. We did another fresh IVF cycle with her eggs and I got pregnant again and miscarried. From the 2 fresh donor cycles, we had 4 frozen embryos left so we did an FET. I got pregnant again and miscarried again. Because my RE considered my sister a low responder to the meds, he helped me select an anonymous donor who had already gotten 5 other women pregnant. So we moved onto another fresh donor IVF cycle. Nothing. We followed it up with an FET. Chemical pregnancy. Our last FET, nothing again. We have no more embryos, no more money and our RE has been more than generous with us by not charging us or very minimally charging us.

I don't understand how I can get pregnant so easily 3 times with my sister's lesser quality eggs and not get pregnant at all with eggs from a much more fertile woman.

Needless to say I am completely heartbroken and hopeless. After 11 cycles and 4 pregnancy losses, I don't know how much more I can take but if my RE would do everything for free, I would keep going until I had a baby in my arms. In spite of the fact that every failed cycle nearly kills me because I feel so damn suicidal.

I don't think my friends would understand and now I am feeling like if I continue I have to keep my cycles a secret.

Thank you for allowing me to accept the fact that if I still have the drive to keep going, it is ok to continue.

[Ruperta - Infertility]

With a number of medical break throughs in 2009, it should not be long for new infertility treatments to become available, and the good news is that they may not be as invasive as IVF, which can only be a good thing.