Feeling totally despondent.

Well it looks like this cycle hasn’t worked. I have had this feeling since the weekend and my acupuncturist basically confirmed it today. My pulses have dipped. And she knows me very well, she has correctly predicted my pg both times and my negative cycles as well. So I am about 99% sure it did not work. I will obviously carry on with the progesterone etc and do the beta on Friday, but my acupuncturist has not been wrong before. She said on both previous pregnancies my pluses have been very strong. They are weak now.

So where to from here?

I lay on the table and a million emotions and thoughts ran through my mind. Plus a few tears down my face.

I am so tired, bone weary to my soul, of all of this. I am so tired of putting myself out there, time and time again and just hitting heartache over and over again. I am even at the stage where I don’t know whether I should carry on trying. And this is me who said she would never give up. But how much money can you throw down the drain? If it was for free I would just carry on until I got it right, but it is not for free, its f’ing expensive.

If adoption was an option here in SA I would do it in a heartbeat, but is almost harder than IVF. There just aren’t any babies available. The waiting lists are so long. I have my name down, I’ve paid my money. But I hold no hope for success.

And what about IVF? What do I do now? Do I do another cycle with my own eggs or do I do donor? I honestly do not give a shit about genetics any more, I.just.want.a.baby. Now.

But will donor give me better odds? If this is negative, it will be the first negative I have gotten on a ‘normal’ cycle (the first one was cancelled and the second has zero fert and then rescue ICSI). The next three were all positive. So is there life in my old eggs? The only reason why I don’t want to willy nilly move on to donor is that it is expensive. And if it is only going to give me a very small increase in potential success rate do I want to risk spending more money.

Can I do another cycle? Do I have it left in me? I am starting to get embarrassed at how many cycles I have done. Are people looking at me thinking I am pathetic and I should have moved on long ago?

I wish I had the courage to give it all up, to accept a childfree future. I just can’t.

And in the back of my mind, death seems such an alluring alternative to the pain of today, the pain of another failure, the pain of losing my boys. I just imagine restful sleep, no more pain. I wont do it. Because I can’t do that to my husband. But if it wasn’t for him……. I am tired of being brave, I am tired of being strong. I am tired. Eternal sleep would be such a welcome escape, so quiet, so peaceful, no more pain.

And yes I know, I will hang in until Friday, because I wont be stupid enough to stop meds etc, but I know it my heart it hasn’t worked. Sometimes you just know.

All the grief of the previous hurts and the losses come back at a time like this. I feel so over-whelmed by all of the pain. I feel like my heart will tear in two. Its just so sore.

This hurts. A lot.

Comments

[Moxie]

Oh, Tertia. I'm so sorry. You must be feeling so hopeless.

Can you do international adoption from SA? Or embryo donation? Embryo donation is so much cheaper here in the US than egg donation is.

[Bella]

Oh, NO... I'm so sorry. After my many failures, I bagan to get through them by simply knowing I had before. No comfort, I know.

[Julie]

Ahhh, Tersh, this blows.

Impossible anguish.

[Lisa]

Tertia--I'm so very sorry. I hope Friday comes soon.

[holly]

oh Tertia,

I have a lump in my throat from reading your post. I know exactly how it feels to know it didn't work. it's cumulative, all the disappointments, all the pain and it is 100X worse when you are on those damn meds. look, I know it doesn't help, but you will come out the other side of this pain- we always do. I believe in you and what you are doing.

h

[Lucy]

So very sorry. Have been thinking of you often and hoping.
Some days are four-tier floor-cake kind of days.
I've read you explore the donor options so I know that's on the table. But is there no adoption possibility? All are so hopeless? Internationally? Various hues? I'm sure this doesn't help a lick, but maybe, when you pull up again, (and you will!) you might find hope in that exploration. But not now. Not yet. I know. You and your husband have to find your way. I just cannot believe it's science or childlessness. Seems impossible.

[Kristine]

Somewhere many, many miles away a girl sits at her desk wishing there was something she could say to lessen your pain.

[Patience]

Just want you to know that I wish there was something I could say other than "I'm sorry." I am grieving the failure of another IVF myself and your comment about all of the pain coming back at a time like this struck a nerve with me. Its as if all of it is cumulative, and you only feel it at times like this. Why does it have to hurt so much?

Hoping that news is different on Friday, but know that you know your body. Won't send any positive thoughts your way. :-)

Thank you for sharing your "journey" (for lack of a better word) It has allowed me to remember that I am not alone in this hell we call infertility!

[Patience]

Just want you to know that I wish there was something I could say other than "I'm sorry." I am grieving the failure of another IVF myself and your comment about all of the pain coming back at a time like this struck a nerve with me. Its as if all of it is cumulative, and you only feel it at times like this.

Hoping that news is different on Friday, but know that you know your body. Won't send any positive thoughts your way. :-)

Thank you for sharing your "journey" (for lack of a better word) It has allowed me to remember that I am not alone in this hell we call infertility!

[Danae]

Tertia,
I hate to say this because I'll sound like my mother, (and I hate it when she does it to me) but I'm saying it anyway:

No, no, no, no. No!
I refuse to believe your acupuncturist. I will not give up hope. Not until I have to!

Okay, I'm done. You may smack me now.

[Karen]

Tertia, your post broke my heart. I'm so sorry I really hope your acupuncturist was wrong. I know exactly what you mean about the dying thing too--it seems so much easier. And I stayed here for my husband, too. And sometimes I think--just who am I living for? My parents? My husband? What about myself? Why can't I live for me?

I love you, Tertia. And so do lots of women here. You are an incredible inspiration to so many of us. We'll be here if you need us, and like Kristine said, there's someone halfway across the world right now, wishing with all she's got that you will be okay, better than okay, wonderful, no matter what happens.

[Jo]

People are looking at you thinking you are an incredible survivor, to have come through everything and still have enough of yourself left to *share* with the rest of us, is what.

I am so sorry. I wish there was anything I could do.

[Julia S]

I am so sorry Tertia. My thoughts are with you this week.

[Beth]

Tertia, this totally sucks. I really
hope that you and Vicky are wrong....

My heart breaks for all of us.

[JJ]

I'd like to echo all the other comments here, but one sentence really jumped out at me...

"Are people looking at me thinking I am pathetic and I should have moved on long ago?"

The truth is it's not really moving on unless it's something you are ready for.

Wishing you all the strength you need...

[jen]

Oh, damnit, I'm so sorry. For what it's worth, just know that I'm thinking of you, and I understand.

[getupgrrl]

You have my heart.

[Julie]

Yo, baby. Just thinking of you.

[Christina]

I'm so sorry things aren't looking positive right now.