Are they crazy?

My husband’s favorite pastime (besides teasing me) is to scour men’s magazines for those surveys where they say how many times a week the average (married) couple has sex. He runs to me, mag in hand, pointing with a martyred expression at the results. Apparently people out there are having sex a whole lot more often than we are. Personally, I think they are lying. These are MEN after all who completed the survey, they always lie about how often they get their end away. I mean really, who the hell has sex more than 2.5 times a week? Even more than twice is a stretch of the imagination. Liars.

His latest find was the results of some survey that averaged out the number of times you had sex a week compared to what car you drive. I think the highest was 1.9 times a week, and the lowest was 1.2 times a week. Interestingly enough, the lowest number came from Porsche drivers, which I think is hilarious. I’ve always thought only men with small dicks drive Porsches. Who wants to have more sex with a man with a small dick, even if he drives a Porsche. Once a week would be sacrifice enough.

Sadly, we started TTC since the day we got married, in fact I went off the pill two weeks before our honeymoon. I should have known then that there would be a problem if all that sex around O time resulted in nothing. This has meant that for the last four years I have either been busy cycling (no sex during the 2ww), or pregnant (too scared to have sex in the first tri), or miscarrying and bleeding (each time at least 8 weeks of bleeding), or in hospital on bedrest or giving birth. If I count up the time around all these events I have probably been able to have sex for about 6 months in total. Ok, maybe a bit more.

To me sex is like going to gym. It seems like such an effort to get yourself all fired up and mentally prepared to go, yet once you are there its such damn fun and you are so glad you went. I always think afterwards “jeez, that was fun, must do this more often”. My poor husband is so understanding, and never pushes or demands. But I do know he would love to be a three times a week guy while I think once a week is just perfect. We don’t want to get spoilt now, do we?

Anyhow, the point of this post was that I got a post ET instruction sheet after this ET. The first time I have gotten any form of written instruction. This is thanks to the Americans*. On the sheet it says “There is no scientific evidence that sexual intercourse can affect the outcome of your treatment”. Are they mad? I am hiding this sheet from husband. I mean really, who goes to gym in their two week wait? And yet they ban alcohol and cigarettes, which I would personally find far more beneficial and relaxing. But ok, don’t moan at me, I am not smoking or drinking. Would be nice though.

* More on the invasion of the Americans.

My clinic now has a lot of overseas patients. This is because they are really world-class and a shit load cheaper than any where in the States or Europe. I think a cycle at my clinic costs about $3000, meds, retrieval, ICSI, every thing included. Its cos of our crappy exchange rate.

Anyhow, it is just amusing to me to see the difference between the American patients and the South African patients. South Africans do not question authority, hardly complain about bad service and just generally do as they are told. So for the four years I have been going to my clinic I have never got a written instruction sheet about any thing. In fact a friend (hi S!) and I offered to write some thing up for the other patients. It is so bad here in SA that I know many women who go there who have no idea what they are doing, taking, they have no involvement with their cycles, they just do as the Dr tells them. Clearly, I am a very new experience for them as I question every thing and do my own protocol. (remember democracy is new to us, you weren’t allowed to question authority in the past, you were locked up!)

Anywayyyy, now that the Americans are coming to our clinic, we have gotten so professional, its all written instructions everywhere (even how to produce the sperm sample, ha ha, husband loved that one, how difficult can it be? 1. Wank 2. Put stuff in jar 3. Don't spill any you asshole!).

So well done you bossy, demanding Americans, you have helped other patients out there. Maybe I am American my nature?

Comments

[Bee]

HAHAHAHAH ROTFLMAO now 'cos Paul drives a Porsche. In fact he now owns TWO. Nuff said.

[cheryl b.]

I wish Mark wanted to have sex that often, I'm an every other day kind of girl while he is a twice a MONTH kind of guy (sometimes less). He swears that it has nothing to do with my weight (190#s) but I think it does. So sad.

[Julie]

1. Wank
2. Put stuff in jar
3. Don't spill any you asshole!

I just laughed so hard my embryos fell out. Thanks a lot, you murderer.

Do you and your husband ever actually talk about the lack of sex? Paul and I don't. It is the giant pink elephant crouching in the corner thumbing through a porn magazine, never acknowledged.

[Danae]

You gotta be kidding me! Please tell us what the written instructions on how to produce a sperm sample actually are. We Americans may be demanding, but I've never seen the Wanking Instruction Sheet. Does it include pictures? I'm going to demand one for my husband next cycle. Too funny.

[runnerwoman]

I also laughed so hard at the "giving a sample" instructions that I think I might have peed a little.

The status of our sex life has reached a comfortable detente. My husband knows that for large stretches of time it will be a no go, so he doesn't ask, or pester, or complain. To reward him, I leave my Glamour magazines and Victoria's Secret catalogs well positioned in the bathroom. It's a win-win.

[Tertia]

Can't find the damn Wanking instruction sheet. Think my husband threw it away. But it said something about having a pee first, to abstain from sex for 3 days before, to keep the sample warm etc. So sensible things I suppose. Its just kind of funny that they have this now, where as before all you got was the sample jar and a wink.

In fact my new pet name for my husband is "My little wanker". He hates it but I think it has a nice ring to it.

Julie, we do talk about it, thank goodness. We laugh about it, which makes it easier. I've kind of got him to understand that my low libido has nothing to do with him, that I still love him and want him, but how I feel affects my sex drive. So if I feel fat, ugly, tired, worried, stressed, or whatever, then sex is the last thing I feel like. I think he understands. I hope so. Problem is we shagged like rabbits when we first met so I kind of raised his expectations.

[Jodi]

The Men's Health Magazines should do a survey on how often men have sex who are also doing IVF. Not counting sex with the specimine cup! It will probably be around once per month.

[twizzle]

**Pg Ment**
I can so relate to you and Julie regarding sexual infrequency! My husband and I had been ttc since May of '99, 7 months before we were married. For the first, like, 2 months of unprotected sex (which I had not had in years... since being a slutty college student)it was fun! Wheeee! We're going to be parent soon, and I'll be a pregnant bride! Then months and months and years went by and I still wasn't pregnant. Anyway, the end result of my years of IF has been a definite lack of interest in sex.

Now that I am pg, I actually have an excuse not to have sex. But after the requisite number of weeks have past after the baby is born, I will be expected to start putting out again on a regular basis.

And here's the funny thing (that someone said, above): I actually enjoy the fuck out of sex once I'm doing it! I have orgasms every time and my husband is a wonderully sensitive and skilled lover. It's just the IDEA of having sex that repels me. And it IS like the pink elephant in the living room because we simply don't discuss it. It's too sad, too embarrassing. We're too afraid that such a discussion would lead to, I dunno, the realization that our seemingly good marriage is, in fact, a sham?

I just want to add that I hate hearing about the frequency of other womens' sex lives. Makes me feel damned inadequate, if it's more than once a week.

Great blog/post, Tertia!

Twizzle

[jim]

Great summary! This is just such an exciting stuff.

[Redbecca]

im having a problem with my sex life also. i want it but he dosnt. im a 21yr old female, he is a 22yr old male. we have been married for 2 years and at first screwed like rabbits but now we barly have sex. we are not trying for a baby, so we use protection. but in the last 6 weeks we have only had sex 4 times, and of all those times it was initated by him. ive tried to tnitate it but he never responds. ive tried to talk to him, and he says he just dosnt feel like it. he says there is nothing i can do to turn him on. and i am a very attractive woman. what can i do?.... ps when we do have sex it is fablous... wonderful. but i need it more.