You know how sometimes those close to us (or even sometimes ourselves) will have one of those ‘moments; a brief emotional outburst where they spew stuff that isn’t very pretty to see. A real ‘poor me’ moment where they rant / rave / cry / wail about how unfair the universe is to them.
If you are a good friend you will know that the last thing they want is for you to try make them feel better, or point out all the things they should be grateful for and how silly or childish they are being. Instead you know what they need is for you to just be there for them, and perhaps utter the words they need to hear: “Yes, it is damn unfair and I am really sorry you are going through this.” Whatever the ‘this’ might be.
So, get ready, I am about to have a ‘moment’ ……..
Start of Moment….
I am so insanely jealous of all those people who are able to CHOOSE when to have children and how many to have. Who decide ‘yes, lets have one’, have sex and bam! they are pregnant. No injections, no doctors visits, no pain / heartache / invasive procedures. Just sex, and then a baby.
I am so insanely jealous of those who get pregnant and are able to enjoy their pregnancy without the debilitating fear. Without bedrest, weekly scans and constant terror. Just swollen bellies and happy moments. Instead of losing four out of their five pregnancies. How fucked up is that!
I am jealous of those people who get pregnant on their first IVF, or even worse, Clomid or IUI’s. I don’t hate them (good luck to them), but I feel like an absolute and total fuck up of a failure in comparison. I hate that I feel like this. It makes me feel bitter and jealous. Which I guess I am.
I am bitter that it took me so long to get to this point, that I wasted so many years living in the hell that is infertility. I am as mad as hell that I am almost 39 and I started this shit when I was 31, that isn’t fair.
I hate that I still carry the bitterness in my heart, I hate that it STILL hurts so much. I hate that no matter how much I try and convince myself otherwise, this shit still makes me feel like a failure.
I am sad and mad that after all I have been through; I had to go through this again and fail. Have I not been through enough?
It’s not you. I don’t hate you, I don’t want you not to have what you have, I am just so jealous that I don’t have it too.
And yes, I know there is cancer / poverty / war / heartache / loss / sorrow etc, and I know I have so much to be grateful for. I know that I am incredibly blessed to have my two beautiful children (at what cost, my friends, at what terrible cost). I know all of that. But dammit all, I wanted this to work. I wanted another baby. I tried, and I failed yet again. And it hurts.
Life can be bloody unfair sometimes.
……End of Moment.
There we go, rant over. I feel better now. Thanks for not trying to make me feel better or wave all the bad feelings away. Thanks for just being there and for your ongoing support, even in the ugly times.
I’ve done this enough times to know that it is not over until it’s over (i.e. the blood test says it’s over), but you know how sometimes you just know? Well, besides the glaring evidence of the three negative tests, I really do know that it hasn’t worked. I will still go for the blood test on Monday, but I know in my heart and in my head it hasn’t worked. And I really am ok about it. I just needed to stamp my feet and cry my tears, which I have done and I am ready to be skippy again.
I’m fine, I really am. I just needed to have my little ‘moment’. I am ready to move on with the next phase in my life. They say life begins at 40. Well, bring it on. I am ready for the good times. My thirties were spent in anguish and frustration. No more. From now I am going to live, laugh and love. This is going to be my decade to be fabulous, just you wait and see!