I’ve been asked to participate in a ‘round the world
in 80 clicks’ tour, where moms all over the world blog about the five things
they love about being a mom.Some other
mothers from around the world have also contributed, namely:
So here goes my contribution from Cape Town,
South Africa
1.First and
foremost, the thing I love most about being a mother is the opportunity to love
completely and unconditionally.Before I
had kids, people used to speak about this ‘unconditional love’ thing when
referring to children. I always thought they meant how much your children love
you – you know, unconditionally. They don’t see your flaws etc. But I was
wrong. What I didn’t realize is that being a mother (or a father), allows you
the honour and the privilege to love someone so utterly and completely, so
unconditionally.The love I feel for my
children is more powerful and heady than any drug I have ever taken. It is like
ecstasy on steroids.To be able to
experience that kind of love is a gift like no other.
2.Many people
say this, but only because it rings so true:what I love about being a mother is experiencing the world through the
eyes of my children.I love that
everything is adventure, that the most (to us) mundane things can be fun and
exciting.That things we take for
granted, that we don’t even see anymore are suddenly enthralling again. What a
trip!
3.My children
make me laugh.They are really funny and
we have the most amusing conversations.Instant entertainment on tap, what a pleasure!
4.My children
make me proud.I am in awe at how much
my children learn and accomplish each day. What a pity we lose that as adults,
because wow! They are super clever (<--
they get that from me)
5.Being a
mother makes me feel connected in a way that is so much more than I had
before.I feel incredibly connected to
my children, to their future and to the world that will house them. I feel
connected to my husband, with whom I share this special parenting
privilege.I feel connected to my mother
– I now understand so much more about who she is and what she did for me.I feel connected to other women, both mothers
and non mothers.Children bind you to
your world in way that is both very scary/tiring and deeply comforting at the
same time.
And now it is my turn to tag five other (South
African) mothers:
Coming a close second to finger nails on a chalkboard, there are few things more grating than your offspring fighting with each other. Of course, fighting and siblings go together like coffee and carrot cake (my current craving), so I understand that some fighting is inevitable among siblings, but OH MY GOD, the teasing and the resultant whining drive me INSANE.
Of course, with sibling close in age (ie one minute apart), they know exactly which buttons to press to get a reaction out of the other one. And then you have the Tease/Whine reaction.
I never know what to do. Chastise the teaser for teasing, or chastise the whiner for being so fucking whiny. Because OMG, that child can WHINE! Ideally, I suppose, one should leave them alone to sort it out. They are evenly matched in terms of height, weight and annoyance-factor, so I could just wait it out until one murders the other, but to be quite honest, I am not sure I can last that long.
What do you think? Who should get moaned at? The teaser for deliberating annoying / provoking the other, or the whiner for being such a wuss?
No prizes for guessing who the teaser and who the whiner is.
My kids
are going through a stage (please let it be a stage!) where they seem to be
dreaming a lot, and calling out in their sleep.Not night terrors as such, at least I don’t think so. They don’t scream
in fear, or are inconsolable, but they call out at night, sometimes sitting up
when they do it.Things like “No Adam,
that is my XYZ”, or “Katie, STOP IT!”At
least once a night, sometimes twice.
When they
call out, I immediately jump up and go to them.I put my arm around them and say ‘sshhh, go back to sleep’ and I even
ask them if they are having a bad dream. They will answer me, and then go back
to sleep.
This
might not seem like a big deal (and isn’t to my husband who sleeps through the
entire thing), but it is seriously disturbing my sleep! The kids know nothing
about it in the morning when they wake up. I suppose I should try not to jump up straight
away, but I am scared the one will wake the other. Although the other one
usually sleeps through the noise and even if they do wake up, they go back to
sleep.Actually, not sure what I am
scared of. I guess I am scared of them being scared and I want to console them
when I hear them call out.BUT I NEED MY
SLEEP!!! Sleep is in very short supply and in high demand here. And in four
months time (FOUR MONTHS – EEEKK!!), I will be getting even less of it!
I don’t know.
This has been going on for about 2-3 months now. Is this a stage?What should I do?Any assvise for me?
I noticed a tweet this morning from someone I follow
and popped over to read the link, and I was amazed at what I read. Have a read here
for the full story, but in a nutshell, a blogger who has two daughters, wrote a
twitter update about her daughter who would not go to bed, something along the
lines of “do you think if I SMOTHER my child for not going to bed, it would be
considered a crime?” A few hours later,
the cops arrived at her door as someone (who follows her on twitter and should therefore
recognize the blogger’s sense of humour and sarcasm) reported her for potential
child abuse. At 11pm at night, she had to take the cops into her sleeping
daughter’s bedroom to prove that hadn’t in fact smothered her daughter.
I am amazed
that anyone could interpret what this blogger said literally and believe that
she was honestly going to hurt her child. If you read the post just before the one linked above, which was posted
either the same day, or the day before, she talks about how much she loves her
daughter.
I don’t know, I really think that this is taking
things a step too far. Honestly. I know child abuse exists in so many
situations, but this is really over the top. To me, this is one example of many of how over-involved, over-judgemental,
over policing we have become of each other’s ability to parent our own
children. This is not about caring for
children, about looking out for the children. This is not the ‘it takes a village to raise a child’. I live in a
country where the real meaning of that sentiment still holds true. Where in traditional African culture, caring for all the village’s children
is done by sharing, supporting and caring, not by judgement, paranoia and
policing.
I’ve had quite a few incidents on this blog where the
paranoid parenting police have chastised me for something they believe I have
done wrong. Whether it is the way I discipline my kids, bath my kids, allow my
kids to ride on their bikes, walk barefoot, eat, drink, suck dummies,
eat/sleep/live. Casual mentions in a
post about something kid related will soon have the parenting police out with
their fingers wagging and their heads shaking. I’ve learnt to brush it off, mostly, because I reckon I am a pretty good
mother. I know that I have my faults,
but I think I have the basics right. But each time it happens, I always wonder
to myself – those parenting police, do they believe in their hearts that they
are perfect all the time? That
they are flawless and faultless? That their way is honestly the best way, the only
way? Or are they just really, really
perfect in THAT particular area that they have chosen to show me the error of
my ways? How amazing it must be to be
THAT confident in your own way of doing things, that you really do believe any
other way is so absolutely wrong. Right or
wrong, no in between. But that self confidence is not enough, apparently. It would appear that there is a duty, an
obligation on us as parents to point out to others (less informed? less able? slightly
ineffectual? dangerously incompetent?) that if we are right, and you are doing
something different to us, then you must clearly be wrong. And you need to be
told so.
I think we are in danger of taking things too far, and
I think that this is one example where it has gone a step too far.
But that is my opinion; I am interested in hearing
yours. And please, if you would, let me know which country you are from when
you respond. I am always fascinated to see the cultural influences in popular
opinion.
My
children are (almost) four years old, and I am completely clueless as to how
play dates are supposed to happen.
The only ‘play
dates’ we have ever had have either been with family (cousins) or with the
neighbours. And if I am not with them,
my mom is.
So, when
a brother and sister recently joined Adam and Kate’s school, and both my kids
seemed to like one of the siblings, they seemed like the perfect kids to come
over for a play date. We spotted them
out recently and I asked the mother whether they would like to come over for a
play during the holidays. She is newly single and has recently relocated to
Cape Town after a long absence. I like her, and the kids liked her kids –
perfect. I had visions of us sipping
tea, eating cake and chatting up a storm while our kids played beautifully
together.
We have
been VERY excited for the play date. Every morning this week, the kids wake up
asking if (boy) and (girl) are coming to play. Today was the day! We went to the shop and bought chocolate
cupcakes for the kids and mini lemon meringue tarts for the moms. I tidied up, made the kids put on underwear
and even made a reasonable effort with my appearance (i.e. my shorts and T
shirt kind of matched).
Well,
blow me down with a feather if the mother didn’t breeze in, drop her kids off
and breeze out saying she would be back in an hour and a half to collect them*.
I was gob smacked. What about our date?
What about our tea?
I called
Sister Mel to tell her about it and Sister Mel said it is normal, that is what
is supposed to happen at play dates. I
told her perhaps because my kids are twins and have each other that we have
never been on a play date, we just aren’t used to how they are supposed to
work. She said, ‘no, it is because you and Marko are antisocial fartbags and your
poor kids have to suffer as a result’. Very
rude if you ask me. But what about the
mini lemon meringue tarts, I asked. Just
bloody eat them yourself you nerd, she replied. I never really liked Sister Mel
much, no respect.
I can’t
imagine dropping my kids off at a play date and just leaving them there. Maybe
after I had thoroughly inspected the premises, three times over, and run a background
check on the parents and their direct relations. Sister Mel says I am an asshole. She might
have a point.
The play
date is going well’ish. Kate and (girl) are playing quite nicely. For the first
time ever, Kate is playing with dolls because the other little girl is clearly
more in the normal girl mode and wanted to play moms and babies. Kate is only
too pleased to have someone to play with, that she is forgoing her usual
dinosaurs, monsters and skeletons and playing with the dolls that have been
gathering dust since two Christmases ago.
Adam is
being a slightly less hospitable host. He
has cried twice already, once because (boy) wouldn’t ride bikes with him and
then because (boy) won the race and he didn’t. I am thinking (boy) is not going to be terribly keen on coming back.
Well, I’ve
learnt something today. Apparently at four and six years old it is ok to drop
your kids off for a play date unaccompanied. Apparently most parents are considerably less
uptight and more social than I am. This
should not surprise me, I suppose.
Well, I am
off to have a mini lemon meringue tart. On my own.
* To be fair, she did ask if it was ok. She had some things to do.
Edited to add: She has just been to pick up the kids and has invited us (including me!) over to their place next week. We have a social life, YAY!!
Another edit: I don't think she was wrong, at all. Any more than I would be wrong to want to stay at a play date, I was just surprised that's all. Thinking about it some more, it actually makes sense. There aren't many opportunities for any mom to have some time off, especially a single mom! What I have learnt from your comments is that this seems to be the norm in Europe, and this mom and kids are from Europe. So I guess its a cultural thing and I am more like the uptight Americans than I thought *grin*
It is
summer holidays here, YAY!!! I doubt
there are more glorious places in the world than Summer in Cape Town.
This it
the time for sleeping late, chilling, lying on the beach, reading books,
sipping cocktails, eating alfresco. Of
course I won’t be doing any of that as I have two small kids and a business to
run. However, I will be giving myself
permission to take some time off from some of my official duties.
1.I won’t log on to the IBM network for THREE whole weeks,
YAY!! (the Nurture work continues, but
that isn’t work, that is my love and my passion)
2.I won’t stress about the kids watching more than x amount
of TV. I won’t share how much X actually is as I am sure my X is more than your
X.
3.But my biggest thing is, I am not going to stress about
what the kids eat, when they eat etc.
Number 1
will be easy to achieve, number 2 won’t be an issue because they are outside most
of the time, but number 3! I don’t know
about number 3. I think it might be
impossible for me not to care. IT FREAKS ME OUT that they don’t eat well. Marko keeps telling me to just relax about,
they will eat when they are hungry, but somehow the message just doesn’t get
through. But I really am going to
try. Surely they won’t suffer any major
damage in three weeks of bad eating??
What do
you give yourself permission to do or not do during your holidays? (if you are doing any of the relaxing,
sipping cocktails thing, please be discreet about it, I am pea green with
envy!!)
PS You don't get 3 weeks leave a year? That is only half of my annual leave, I will take a further two weeks off over Easter ;-)
So, you
know I am odd, right? I am odd, very
odd. I have a bit of ADD, a bit of ADHD,
a lot of SPD/SID, and probably some other acronym that has yet to be
discovered. All combined as ODD. I am a
high functioning ODD. On the spectrum of
ODD, I am rather ODD.
Among my
many quirks, I have this thing where I get extremely anxious if I am in a
situation that I can’t control (haha infertility, haha motherhood). When I was younger, we always used to go out
in my car because I used to get anxious if I couldn’t leave exactly when I
wanted to leave. I also hate being
dressed to warmly, because what happens if I am somewhere and I get too hot? I am never late, and getting lost makes me
extremely anxious.
Yes, I know. None of this is logical. Logic has little meaning in my oddness.
Anyway, you can imagine what a total shock motherhood was
to me. Now there is something you can’t
control. I used to drive Marko crazy, ‘what
if I’ve dressed them too warmly? They will get hot. What if I’ve dressed them too cool, they will
get cold”. Back and forth. The thought
of my babies getting too hot or too cold at night would FREAK ME OUT. Most mothers are concerned about this, but
not to the point I was. Crazy.
Something inside of me changed when my children started
communicating. I became far less uptight and anxious about everything. It was a HUGE relief to me that they would tell me when they
were too hot or too cold or hungry or thirsty or whatever. Huge relief.
But I still worry a little. The teacher must think I am a huge pain in
the arse. I dress my kids quite cool,
but I put a jacket on in the morning because it is a still a bit nippy in the
morning. And then I say to them “if you
get hot, tell Aunty B to take your jacket off, ok?” Um, Bridget, if it gets hot will you please
take their jackets off. As if she won’t
take them off by herself. I hear myself doing it, and I tell myself not to, but
I can’t help it.
This morning, I had such a good laugh. We were driving to school and I saw that the
weather was changing, some clouds were coming over. They had shorts and T shirts on (no shoes,
obviously) and a jacket. But Kate’s
jacket wasn’t a very warm one.
Me: Hmm, it looks
like its getting cold. Your jacket is not
that warm Kate, will you be ok?
Kate: Mom, you are
such a pain
Me: Why?
Kate: Because you
say all the time, Kate are you cold? Kate are you cold? Kate are you cold?
Me: (laughs) Do I?
Kate: Yes
Me: I’m sorry my
darling, mommy just worries if you get too cold.
Me: And what will
you do if you get cold?
Kate: Whatever mom,
whatever.
Me: (laughing) I do
love you so, my darling child
Kate: Yes, but I don’t
like to kiss
Me: I know, and that’s
fine, you don’t have to
Adam: I like to
kiss
Me: I know. Everyone is different, some people like to
kiss, others don’t, and that’s fine.
Isn’t it strange how although Adam is so much like me in
so many ways, Kate has inherited my reluctance to hug and kiss. I don’t like to hug and kiss other people, but
I hug and kiss my kids all the time. I
am forever smooching with them, but Kate is not a big smoocher. She will kiss me and give me a Tertia hug
(awkward hug, pat on the back), but poor Marko gets nothing. My mother always says to me how terrible it
is to have a child who doesn’t like to hug or kiss (me) and now I know what it
feels like. As for Adam, he would smooch
Marko and I all day if he could, he is a champion, if somewhat gobby, kisser.
Anyway, just thought I would share that with you. I hope I
don’t fuck my children up too much. I
suppose at least I am honest and upfront about my quirkiness, I hope that will help
in their therapy.
( and I hope Kate isn’t too cold in her thin jacket)
A blog reader sent me this very cool link to a website aimed specifically for Grandparents, but its actually for any parent. Very cool article on 100 FREE! things to do with your kids. Check it out.
100 Free Things To Do With Your Grandkids
Play, learn, and create things together!
These days free is a wonderful word. That's why we've created a new guide to 100 Free Things to Do With Your Grandkids.
At
Grandparents.com, we're always looking for ways to help you get more
smiles, more fun, and more memories from the time you spend with your
grandchildren.
Click Download Now for our printable guide.
PS - You don't think she sent me the link because even though I am knocked up, I am practically old enough to be a granny? Oh, woe is me!
At the
beginning of the year, a friend of mine (no names mentioned – RENEE!!) offered
to go to the preparatory school to find out more about putting our kids names on
the waiting list for 2010. The
particular preparatory school is a very good school and the kids will go there
for two years before they start big school.
My friend
(RENEE!) came back and said that there is no waiting list, we need not
worry. Unfortunately my friend (RENEE!) went
to the WRONG school. The school we want
to get into has a long waiting list which I have only just put the kids name
on.
I am
thinking about breaking up with my friend (RENEE!).
I am now
busy exploring various options (bribing my way in / offering to buy playground
equipment / crying and making a scene in the office) and one of the options
that has come up is an alternative school which looks really nice.
It is a
Montessori school and I know very little about how they operate. I have no idea whether this type of school
would suit my kids. Montessori seems
quite granola, and I am the least granola person around. We add MSG to our fruit to make it taste
better here. Cheese chips are considered
a food group and ketchup is the only vegetable serving for the day. Will we fit in? Will a Montessori school suit a sensitive
child like Adam and a bossy child like Kate?
I would appreciate
any insights or opinions on Montessori schooling. Share!
Edited to add - this is the school I am talking about - they seem really nice.
I have just read the sweetest thing, I am sitting here with a big smile on my face. As you might know, I also blog at Parent24. It is a small but growing blog community and one of the sweet ladies on the list is pregnant with her first child. She wrote a post yesterday about what she plans to do with her maternity leave:
"Despite what my sisters have told me about having a child and the
implications that it will have on my personal time, I envisage my four
months of maternity leave as just that - a time to turn over a new
leaf.
.....as much as I am looking forward to nurturing my newborn baby, I am also
looking forward to the the downtime "in between her naps" where I plan
to do the following:
- Complete my degree - Master the keyboard (I have purchased a self-teach book in preparation) - Learn how to play guitar - Start a herb Garden - Take up art lessons and do some painting - Tan and start a home gymming program to restore my body to it's former shape - Paint my toenails and wax biweekly - Writing ( I will excite my blog fanbase of 2 people, with an exciting new blog daily) - Start a photography portfolio "
The poor, poor woman. I am not sure whether to laugh or cry for her.
I remember when my kids were born, no matter how many books I had read, nothing had prepared me for the total onslaught of newborns. I turned to all my friends and said "why didn't you tell me it was going to be like this" and they replied, "would you have believed us if we did tell you?"
And I suppose not. How do you prepare someone for those first few weeks? How can you adequately describe what it is like? Four years down the line, and I am only now recovering from it.
I lay in bed last night and allowed myself to think about the possibility that this pregnancy could actually result in a real, live baby and I shuddered to myself as I recalled the first few weeks and months of when Kate and Adam were little. I know it is easier the second time, and certainly one baby has to be easier than two, but still.....shudder.
How do you even begin to describe what it is like, or do we let the poor dears find out for themselves. Would they believe us if we told them anyway?
