So Close

Recycling gifts

How do you chaps feel about recycling gifts?  In other words, passing along a gift that you got, one that perhaps you didn't need / like etc.  Is it ok to wrap it up and offer it as a gift to someone else, or is that both tacky and rude? 

As you know, 'gifts' is not my love language, so I need to be very careful how I approach the whole gift situation, or else risk mortally offending someone near and dear. 

I'll do a little poll to test the waters.

PS It takes a good memory and some careful planning not to give someone the same gift they gave you the year before.  Neither of which I possess, so if you got your beautiful glass punch bowl back as a birthday gift this year, I am sorry!  I hope you like it as much now as you did when you choose it for me last year.

WWYD: Your partner’s nekkidness

WWYD = What would you do?

The Scenario:  We have Partner A and Partner B.  Partner A has expressed concern that Partner B is less than circumspect when it comes to getting dressed / undressed in front of the windows.  Partner A claims that the neighbours can see through the window and will be able to see Partner B nekkid.  Partner B argues that the neighbours can only see if they stand on their tiptoes, squinting with one eye through the top window .  Partner A’s point is that no matter how or why the neighbours can see, the point is they CAN see!  Partner B’s point is that the neighbours would have to make a special effort to ‘spy’ through the window and if they really want to go to such great lengths to see, then good luck to them, may they enjoy the view.

But Partner A is not happy with this at all. Partner A says that as the spouse of Partner B, they have a right to say who sees their partner nakedness and even if Partner B doesn’t care, Partner A does and so Partner B should respect this.

So, does Partner A, as the spouse of Partner B, have a right to say Partner B should close the curtains / be more careful when getting dressed / undressed, or does Partner B have the right to say ‘it is my body, and if I don’t mind, you shouldn’t too’

What says you, dear Internets.  Please don’t choose a side because you think I am partner A or B. Tell me what you would do / say if you were in this situation.

Would you look?

Let's say there is some one who has crossed your path in one way or another (ex friend / ex acquaintance / ex boyfriend / ex whatever).  You do not get on with this person, and you've bumped heads a few times, but you've chosen to end all ties and move on. 

The person either has a blog, or posts on a website / bulletin board that you used to frequent, but you've realized that every time you read what they have written, it either angers you or hurts you. You could, I suppos, tackle them on the things they infer or imply (all of which are blatently untrue), but it really isn't worth it.  They are just being a bitch, and you don't want to dignify their irrational outpourings with a response.  In fact you are hoping they will just get over themselves and find another victim/topic/drama.

So, here is the thing - what would you do?  Would you keep going back to read what they have written, or might write, or would you just simply not look? Not go back to the bulletin board / blog?

I try not to look. I try take the logical approach of: I know they are totally in the wrong, I know that they are being irrational and unfair, and nothing I can do is going to change their minds, so I might as well not upset myself by reading the drivel.

And yet, I don't always succeed.  I go back.  And I get upset all over again.

I've done it in one situation. I have managed to click that little X in the top right hand corner for good, but in another situation, I find myself still going there every once in a while. 

I should not care. I should brush it off and chalk it up to the person's craziness, but it's hard not to let the barbs slip through.

BUT!  As often happens when writing up a blog post, writing this all down has just been good therapy for me, and I am not going there anymore. It really isn't worth it, THEY really aren't worth it.  Life is too short to suffer assholes gladly.

(ok, but I still want to know from you - would you go back to see what they have written, if only for a while, or are you strong enough to look away? Is it easy for you not to 'care', or are you like me, you care too much at times. Marko can totally not care.  If someone is being an asshole / unfair etc, he just doesn't care. I wish I had more of that.)

Privacy, anonymity and your sphincter

This is something I have wanted to talk about for a long time, but haven’t had the time to write up something intelligent.  Unfortunately, it is late and I am tired, so the chances of this being a coherent post are slim, but you will get the gist of it.

The issue I wanted to talk about is privacy on the net.  Well, not privacy as in: here is my bank account number, my ID number and my secret PIN, please help yourself to all my money.  Not that kind of privacy.  Perhaps I am talking more about anonymity.  A bit of a mixture of both.

Oh bloody hell, I should actually wait until I am not tired to write this up, but that might only happen in 3-4 years time.

Let’s start again.

Let’s first talk about anonymity on the net. Like for example, on the bulletin boards.  People have various non-identifying pseudonyms, like TryingForMore, or NYCchick etc. Me? My user name has always been Tertia.  I am about as anonymous as a self-addressed envelope, and I really am totally ok with that. What I have to say anonymously is the same as what I would say openly.  I am who I am, and I feel no need to hide behind anonymity. Not that there is anything wrong with it, if that is what you choose, but I guess I just don’t understand the reason for it? 

I don’t get the whole sphincter-clenching paranoia of revealing info about yourself online.  (Clearly not – see semi-nekkid pic below!)  Let’s take the Facebook example.  I friend everyone who wants to be Facebook friends with me, unless you are clearly a pervert or an asshole.  But otherwise, if our only connection is that you read my blog, then why the hell not be FB friends. You can only read what I choose to put on there and quite honestly if the fact that I had a burger for lunch is going to turn you on / excite you / ignite you or anything else, then good for you.  Yes, you might get to see what my favourite movies are, or what I did last night, but WHO CARES?  Not me. 

Yesterday I posted a Google Map of my house on the Net.  Five years ago, when I just started blogging, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it.  But clearly some of your paranoia has rubbed off on me, and two seconds after I posted it, I went back and edited the images to take the coordinates off. 

(As I am busy writing this, a dear blog reader has managed to find the coordinates of my house within 10 minutes. Oh dear.)

Not 24 hours after putting up the post, the comments started from concerned blog readers (actually really sweet of you to be concerned for me! You’re not a bad lot) who were worried about me putting up those pics.

And then I started to worry that maybe I should be worried!  Maybe I should be worried about…………WHAT!  I don’t know!  What will someone do with the information if they know where I live?  Stalk me?  Break into my house?  I don’t know?

Because I blog so openly – you all know my full name, place of work and bra size, if you really wanted to stalk me, you could find me pretty quickly.

So maybe I should worry about that??? But again, what should I be worried about? What is someone going to do with this information? 

Yes, I know, someone impersonated me on the internet recently. Made up an entire life for themselves, based on my story, my photos of my kids etc. But that didn’t freak me out, I actually felt sorry for her. What harm did she do to me directly? None. 

Look, I know I can be pretty naïve.  I will be the first to admit that. My husband wants to KILL me sometimes for how naïve and trusting I am, but quite honestly, I do not see the danger in these issues.

I am far far FAR more concerned about someone breaking into my house, about rape and murder than I am about any internet stalker. Maybe it is because I live in South Africa, a country that has one of the highest crime rates in the world. Maybe because we live behind locked doors and windows, in security estates, with 24 guards patrolling the estate.  Maybe because we have electric fences and guard dogs, laser beams and alarms.

Maybe it is because we live with real danger every day, that we, or at least I, don’t see the threatened danger in this? I don’t know.

I am not sure if the anonymity thing has anything to do with the privacy thing, whether either have any thing to do with posting google maps pics of your house on the Internet.  I am not sure.  These are just thoughts swirling around in my head. 

But I am interested to hear what you think.  Why do you choose to post / blog / comment anonymously?  Why do the google maps of my house make you feel uncomfortable inside?  Why does your sphincter clench when it comes to privacy / anonymity on the Net?  What are you paranoid about? What do you think might happen?

Now:  A little lesson in how to answer the questions above:

The wrong way:

“I think you are very irresponsible to …………”

“well, I would never do XYZ because it is wrong!”

“it is foolish and stupid to put pictures of your house on the internet”

“My way is the only right way, therefore you are wrong and an irresponsible stupid person.”

The right way:

“What would worry me is ………….”

“I choose to do XYZ because I feel ……………”

“These are my fears….”

“you are a magnificent specimen, please let me adorn you with jewels and riches”

Ok, I almost lost this entire post because my computer clearly hates me and everything about me and just crashed. An HOUR after starting it!  Thank fuck it managed to save some of it.  But it really is time for bed, I can’t even see straight anymore. Too tired to spell check, grammar check, offensive check (check to see whether, god forbid, I have unintentionally offended anyone in this post). If I have offended anyone, please accept my apology in advance and unequivocally. Grammar police, take a deep breath and look the other way.

I am going to bed, be gentle. 

Motherhood or marriage?

Heather at Dooce had a really interesting post up on her blog about marriage and motherhood, and asked the question 'which do you find easier motherhood (or fatherhood) or marriage (or any long term, serious relationship'. I urge you go read her post, but the question is a pretty simple one, and I am interested to know what you think.  Which has been easier for you - Marriage or Motherhood? (For those who aren't married or a parent, which do you think you would find easier?)

When will the madness end???

As you know, the whole gift buying, gift wrapping, card giving thing is not for me. As someone who is terminally unromantic and about as traditional as today’s edition of the newspaper, Christmas is an especially trying time. All that choosing gifts! All that wrapping paper! WHAT IS WRONG WITH A GIFT CERTIFICATE??? 

 

Anyway, I try. I try because I must, because I have small children and because apparently the rest of the world likes their gifts wrapped, and bigger than the size of a standard gift certificate.

 

However, things sunk to a new level recently at the kids school, which made me realize the world has taken this thing a bit too far. 

 

It was another child’s birthday at school recently and the invitations were beautifully handmade, rolled up and tied with a bow and put in tiny golden baskets. Inside the basket were tiny sweets. I looked down wryly at my el cheepo ’20 invites for 20 bucks’ invites (we had a party for Adam and Kate at school as their real birthday is in school holidays) and thought DAMN! But you know, we can’t all be good at everything and some mothers are clearly way more creative than I am. As in WAY more creative.

 

But the real downer came a few days later as we were standing outside the school gates, and the party mom skipped up to us with a bunch of cards in her hand. Another party, I thought! But no, they were THANK YOU CARDS!! 

 

OMG! THANK YOU CARDS??? Individually hand written cards, thanking each child for the gift they bought. I felt instantly dizzy. I.Can’t.Go.On.Anymore……

 

How am I ever supposed to keep up? A card for this, a card for that. Wrap this, put a bow on this. Remember this anniversary, celebrate this occasion. No people, we can’t carry on like this anymore. Someone has to put a stop to this before we end up wrapping ourselves in shiny paper with beautifully handmade cards stuck all over the important bits. When will the madness end!!! 

 

I think I need to go lie down for a bit. 

 

PS It was only after my kid’s party that I realized other mom’s didn’t write on the wrapping paper with a black pen “To Susie, love Adam and Kate”. Apparently you need a card for that too.

 

Your guess is as good as mine

You know what I don’t get? I don’t get the whole speculation, guessing thing. I just don’t get it. Why bother guessing, why not just wait for the answer?

 

Marko and I are a lot alike in a lot of ways, but not in this way. Marko LOVES to guess. 

 

One of the only programs I watch on TV is Survivor so it has become a bit of a ritual for Marko and I to watch the program together, and every week, without fail, as we get to the end, Marko will ask me who do I think will get voted off. And every week I have to listen to Marko expend an enormous amount of brain energy working out various different scenarios of what will happen if X votes for Y but A votes for B.  And I sit there thinking ‘huh? Just wait two minutes and we will know for sure’.* 

 

I don’t get it. I asked him why he does it and he says so that he can prove he is right. Against yourself? I ask. You want to prove to yourself that you were right? Yes, he says. As I said, I don’t get it.

 

But it seems Marko is not alone in this. It happens in sport, in politics, in just about everything. I listen to the radio how they dedicate entire SHOWS to guess what the score will be in tomorrow’s game. They call experts in, they have phone ins, they argue back and forth why their guess might be right and I sit there thinking ‘WHAT IS THE POINT????’ Just wait until tomorrow and then we will all know.

 

If you are a serial guesser, please explain the fascination. Is it a similar thrill to gambling? (Another thing I totally DO NOT GET!) When you gamble is part of the thrill guessing right? Or is just that you like throwing your money away? (Heh heh. I have many addictions but gambling is certainly not one of them, way too tightfisted for that.)

 

* There is nothing Marko likes more than proving himself right AND at the same time, me wrong. Even though he makes me play the guessing game against my will, he still gets a little thrill when his guess is right and mine is wrong.  Whatever, you guessed right, you are the winner, well done. Come here let me pat you on the head.

A little too much honesty

One of the fellow moms at my kids school, who also happens to be my neighbour and friend, kindly offered to take the school pics this year for a  ridiculously cheap rate. She is really talented and has just gone into professional photography full time. I absolutely loved the pics she took, but apparently not all the mothers felt that way.

 

We were standing outside the school and my friend asked one of the mom’s whether she liked the pics and the woman replied quite matter of factly, “No, not really”. Then another mom piped up about not really liking the pics either.

 

OMG! I wanted to die for my friend. How do you NOT take that kind of feedback personally????

 

Besides the fact that we were getting it for a really good rate etc etc, I am just not sure that kind of ‘honesty’ is warranted. What do you think? Should you tell it like it is, or should you spare someone’s feelings?

 

I wanted to say that I could never, ever be a photographer or artist or something creative like that, because I would take that kind of criticism so personally, but then I remember my first (and only) bad book review. Instead of thinking “oh well, can’t please all the people all the time”, the review really stung. I was mortified. How could they not like my book? It obviously means that they hate me and everything I stand for ;-) Doesn’t matter that 99% of the other reviews were very favourable, it is that one bad review that seems to speak the loudest. People are silly, aren’t we?

 

What do you think? On the one hand I think that honesty is good and everyone is entitled to their opinion, but on the other hand I am thinking “jeez Louise, a little less honesty might have been a better approach”.  How do you creative types handle negative feedback? Do you take it a little personally, or do you just brush it off?  Your hides must be tougher than mine.

Edited to add:  The two moms in question did say they preferred a more "natural" look, which I thought was really odd because the 'traditional' school pics are very unnatural looking in my opinion and all Renee's shots were quite natural and real.  But I guess each to their own.  Oh, and their kids are really gorgeous, so its not that ;-)

 

Look, no matter what the other moms thought, I LOVED the pics you took and I think you did a sterling job. THANKS my friend xxx

(more pics on Flicker)

A disturbing afternoon

You know, I don’t realize and appreciate often enough how fortunate I am, and my kids are, to live the way we live. I live in this happy, comfortable suburban bubble, and I sometimes forget that there are so many less fortunate than we are.

 

Today we went to visit my in-laws, and suddenly we heard screaming, a female voice from across the road. Crying, begging, “don’t hit me”. Marko and I ran outside and my parents in law just rolled their eyes. Happens all the time, they said. We’ve called the cops, but nothing ever happens.

 

More shouts, more crying. He shouting at her, she shouting at him. Marko was ready to go in there and drag the guy out by his collar, but apparently the couple has told people to leave them alone. My father has tried to intervene, but he isn’t young anymore.

 

But what nearly broke my heart is that their three kids, two girls and a boy, all between the ages of 7 and 13, were riding their bikes right outside. Not saying anything, just riding around in circles. The little girl had tears streaming down her face, it nearly killed me. So surreal, a beautiful afternoon, stunning weather, kids on bikes…. juxtaposed with such heartache and ugliness.

 

So many emotions… ‘why doesn’t she just leave him’, but I know it is seldom as simple as that. Disgust. Despair. But mostly anger – how DARE they do that to their children. How DARE they! They can go off and kill each other, but how dare they do that to their children. HOW DARE THEY!! I wanted to run in there and shake both of them, I was so angry. And so helpless.

 

Eventually the yelling died down, and the kids went back inside. Life carried on around all of this. Surreal.

 

Such a disturbing afternoon, and such a big realization how very fortunate I am to have come from a home where we never had to endure any of that, and how very fortunate my children are to be raised the same.

 

I am tormented by the heartache these young children must face. My heart goes out to them; I hope they manage to find some peace and solace.

American Politics – A fascinating show

Let me start this off by saying that the political situation in South Africa is hardly a shining beacon of political nirvana. We’ve just had our existing president yanked from under our noses, ‘recalled’ and replaced by temporary one (who appears to be quite sensible, thank goodness) until April, at which time he will be replaced by the leader of the ruling party, a man of exemplary moral fibre. Husband and lover to at least four ‘official’ wives and several girlfriends, father to at least 18 children, he has been implicated in several fraud cases, knowingly slept with a HIV positive woman two years ago without protection, showering afterwards to prevent infection. So, take this from where it comes….

 

After months of resistance, on Friday night I eventually succumbed to the hype of American politics and wasted a good hour and a half trawling various blog posts and video clips about your presidential hopefuls and their running mates. 

 

American politics has always fascinated me. Actually, to this day, I still can’t understand how there can be only two (major) parties who apparently represent an either / or view on a variety of enormously diverse topics. I am fascinated how if you are a Republican, or a Democrat, it means you are for or against a check list of issues as diverse as abortion, debt relief, foreign policy, etc etc. How can one political party represent so much of who you are? How is that even possible? As I said, I don't quite get how it works there.

 

But I think therein lies part of my answer – here in South Africa, if you vote ANC, you are not an ‘ANC’ian’. If you vote DA, you are not a ‘Democratic Ally’. You vote for a political party; but that vote does not become part of how you identify yourself. In America, you are a Democrat. Or you are a Republican. It is how you identify yourself, and especially at a time like this. If being one or the other is part of how you identify yourself, then I suppose I can understand some of the passion.

 

Because, boy oh boy, has there been passion. I watch in amazement at how passionately you defend your political identity, and to be honest, I watch in horror at how polarized some of you have become. Such strong feelings, such vitriol. Very black and white, if I am to be right, you must be wrong. Either / or.

 

I think if I was American, I would probably vote Democrat because from the little I know, they seem to represent the majority of my views. But I have to say that after reading various blog posts, I actually felt sorry for that Palin woman. She is being attacked so viciously. Look, I must say, she doesn’t look like the sharpest tool in the shed, but wow – so much hatred and nastiness directed towards the poor woman. I'd hate to be her right now. She is on a hiding to nothing.

 

You know how it looks to me? It looks to me as if the people who are supporting Obama are doing so with an almost heroic worship. From reading blogs, twitter etc, I get the sense that his supporters are practically swooning with excitement. I get the feeling as if I am in a stadium, watching the fans swoon as their pop idol comes on stage. Not passing judgement on whether he deserves the swooning or not, just saying how it looks to me.  And the poor Republicans. They seem desperate to defend their leaders, old McCain and Palin. Looking for good, desperate to defend their choice. Much less swooning seems to be going on there.  But on both sides defensive and aggressive. Attacking. Frenzied feeding, always searching for weakness. Attack and destroy. Fascinating stuff.

 

Anyway, there is no point to this post really. It just has been interesting to watch from the distant outside. I hope which ever way it works out, it works out best for you, for your country, and of course for the rest of the world.

Isn't democracy a wonderful thing!