So Close

What would you or Jesus do?

Actually, I am more interested in what you would do because I think I am a lot more like you than I am like Jesus. (Although apparently Jesus and I share a fondness for wine, we do seem to have a fair amount in common then)

What would you do if someone did something really wrong towards you, something that was unequivocally wrong.  The person abused your trust and betrayed you.  And you had the opportunity to expose them in a way that would get them into trouble for what they did.  Would you do it?  Would you invest the (negative) energy that it would take to expose them or would you walk away?

I am in that situation at the moment, and I am not sure what to do.  99% of the time when something like this happens, I walk away. Being a naturally anxious person, I am extremely reluctant to add even the slightest bit more anxiety to my life and taking revenge / getting someone back / exposing them would make me very anxious. Actually any negative energy makes me anxious.  (actually, everything makes me anxious!)

As an example, those who have been reading this blog for a while might remember a little spat I once had with another blogger.  In a nutshell, this person was really nasty to me, completely unprovoked. She said and did a whole lot of ugly things that really hurt and upset me.  I exposed her for what she did which resulted in quite a severe backlash (for her).  She had to close her blog down and lay low for a while. And you know what, I still feel bad for her.  Even though she was really horrible to me and even though I didn't do anything to her myself, I still worry about whether she felt hurt, or whether she was sad. Still today.  I am an asshole.

I have been in many other situations where people have done me wrong, but I have never taken revenge.  Even when someone is horrible to me, I just can't be deliberately nasty or horrible back. Not because I am a good person or because of any moral / ethical reason, but because i feel other people's hurt/shame/embarrassment/pain so keenly, even when that someone else is someone really horrible. I feel bad for everyone. It is actually quite exhausting.

But this time I am really cross. I am cross because I trusted this person, took them on their word and they lied and betrayed me.  I am so pissed off about it.  It has cost me dearly. I have the opportunity to expose them, but even thinking about it makes me anxious.  Do I waste my precious time on this?  So I was taken for an (expensive) ride, just write it off as a lesson learnt.  Except - aarrgghh!  I can't believe this person lied and cheated and abused my trust!

This is the longest I have ever deliberated about a situation like this. I hate that I have wasted three weeks of my life thinking about this.  I have written to the person, telling them how disappointed I am, giving them the opportunity to make it right, but they are ignoring me, hiding from me.  It wont be hard to expose them, to track them down.  I am *this* close to going public on this, to shaming this person publicly. But do I want to go there? Aarrgghhh!!! 

What should I do?  What would you do? Would you pursue getting justice?  Would you invest the energy it took to expose them? Or would you write off to experience and just move on with your life. Do you take revenge and if so, does it make you feel better? Or do you just feel worse afterwards? 

Giving back and helping others

There seem to be two types of people in the world, those who are driven to help others, and those who aren't / can't / don't.  I have no idea what happens in the world of those who don't (too shy? too little time? haven't ever considered it? don't care?) because I live in the world where I am driven by something deep inside myself to help others.  It isn't anything particularly noble, I don't think. It doesn't make me a better person, but I know no other way. I am driven to help others, and I get so much out of it - it is intensely rewarding. Maybe even more so for me than for them. 

And I seem to be surrounded by people who do the same.  My sister has dedicated her life, time and money to helping other mothers less fortunate than herself.  My best friend and business partner Mel volunteers to scrub penguins, assist with spaying township dogs etc. This year she made all of us who were going to get her a birthday gift donate the money to an animal shelter.  Lara who works with us at Nurture is driven to help new parents and new babies - she is going to volunteer to be a foster mom to abandoned babies.  One of my Nurture recipients is thinking about dedicating some of his time and knowledge to help other gay dads navigate the world of surrogacy in South Africa.  My mom wants to get involved in cancer support.

It seems all of these people have something they are passionate about, and a need to give back to others.  My 'thing' is infertility of course. I have been involved in the infertility world for so long and together with my friend Maritza, we have formed South Africa's biggest online infertility support site Fertilicare.  Maritza volunteers her time and expertise for free to run the portal.  It makes me feel good that there is a place for people to go to be supported. I remember only too well how important it was for me to find a safe 'home' on the internet when I was going through my infertility.

And then today, I thought about this again when I realized it was the sixth birthday of a little girl called Kiera who only lived for a few short months.  I met her mother Sheena through the Preemies support forum at the time when Ben died. Both of us had offered to support others who had lost their preemie babies.  Sheena was only 19 at the time and had just lost a baby. Even at her young age she was already thinking of others. What an amazing woman. (Can't believe I have known you for six years already, you old fart!)

It made me think about what our different passions are, and I wondered what some of things you are passionate about - what would you do, if you had the time and resources to do it? What would be (is) your 'thing'? 

Would you employ the hot nanny?

A friend of mine recently found herself in an interesting situation.  Actually, what was interesting was her reaction to the situation.

She is in the fortunate position of being able to afford a nanny, and having recently moved, is in the process of finding a new one.  She was down to two candidates, both well qualified, but one was slightly more suitable than the other.  Sounds like a simple choice, except for one detail - the better qualified nanny also happened to be very good looking, as in: SUPER hot. And even though my friend isn't insecure in her marriage or in herself, she felt strangely uncomfortable at the thought of having this really really gorgeous woman as her live in nanny.

She debated long and hard with herself, questioning whether she was being ridiculous or not.  She even asked all of her friends what we thought, but at the end of the day decided she just could not do it - she did not feel comfortable having the really hot woman as her nanny.

It raised an interesting conversation among us and I was surprised at how many of our friends agreed with her choice, they too would not have felt comfortable having a hot, young woman live with them as the nanny.  Me - I totally would have employed the hot one, purely on the basis of her qualifications.  Maybe (probably. in fact, definitely) I am naive, maybe I am stupid for thinking this, but in my unworldly view, if something is going to happen, it is going to happen, whether you have a hot nanny or not.  Actually, to be fair - that is not why my friend decided not to employ the hot nanny, not because she was afraid of what her husband would do or not do (he is a keeper, lovely chap), but because she said the hot nanny made her feel frumpy and ugly and old, she wasn't sure she could live with that day in and day out.

So, tell me what you would do in this situation - would you employ the hot nanny, or would have done as my friend did? 

Recycling gifts

How do you chaps feel about recycling gifts?  In other words, passing along a gift that you got, one that perhaps you didn't need / like etc.  Is it ok to wrap it up and offer it as a gift to someone else, or is that both tacky and rude? 

As you know, 'gifts' is not my love language, so I need to be very careful how I approach the whole gift situation, or else risk mortally offending someone near and dear. 

I'll do a little poll to test the waters.

PS It takes a good memory and some careful planning not to give someone the same gift they gave you the year before.  Neither of which I possess, so if you got your beautiful glass punch bowl back as a birthday gift this year, I am sorry!  I hope you like it as much now as you did when you choose it for me last year.

WWYD: Your partner’s nekkidness

WWYD = What would you do?

The Scenario:  We have Partner A and Partner B.  Partner A has expressed concern that Partner B is less than circumspect when it comes to getting dressed / undressed in front of the windows.  Partner A claims that the neighbours can see through the window and will be able to see Partner B nekkid.  Partner B argues that the neighbours can only see if they stand on their tiptoes, squinting with one eye through the top window .  Partner A’s point is that no matter how or why the neighbours can see, the point is they CAN see!  Partner B’s point is that the neighbours would have to make a special effort to ‘spy’ through the window and if they really want to go to such great lengths to see, then good luck to them, may they enjoy the view.

But Partner A is not happy with this at all. Partner A says that as the spouse of Partner B, they have a right to say who sees their partner nakedness and even if Partner B doesn’t care, Partner A does and so Partner B should respect this.

So, does Partner A, as the spouse of Partner B, have a right to say Partner B should close the curtains / be more careful when getting dressed / undressed, or does Partner B have the right to say ‘it is my body, and if I don’t mind, you shouldn’t too’

What says you, dear Internets.  Please don’t choose a side because you think I am partner A or B. Tell me what you would do / say if you were in this situation.

Would you look?

Let's say there is some one who has crossed your path in one way or another (ex friend / ex acquaintance / ex boyfriend / ex whatever).  You do not get on with this person, and you've bumped heads a few times, but you've chosen to end all ties and move on. 

The person either has a blog, or posts on a website / bulletin board that you used to frequent, but you've realized that every time you read what they have written, it either angers you or hurts you. You could, I suppos, tackle them on the things they infer or imply (all of which are blatently untrue), but it really isn't worth it.  They are just being a bitch, and you don't want to dignify their irrational outpourings with a response.  In fact you are hoping they will just get over themselves and find another victim/topic/drama.

So, here is the thing - what would you do?  Would you keep going back to read what they have written, or might write, or would you just simply not look? Not go back to the bulletin board / blog?

I try not to look. I try take the logical approach of: I know they are totally in the wrong, I know that they are being irrational and unfair, and nothing I can do is going to change their minds, so I might as well not upset myself by reading the drivel.

And yet, I don't always succeed.  I go back.  And I get upset all over again.

I've done it in one situation. I have managed to click that little X in the top right hand corner for good, but in another situation, I find myself still going there every once in a while. 

I should not care. I should brush it off and chalk it up to the person's craziness, but it's hard not to let the barbs slip through.

BUT!  As often happens when writing up a blog post, writing this all down has just been good therapy for me, and I am not going there anymore. It really isn't worth it, THEY really aren't worth it.  Life is too short to suffer assholes gladly.

(ok, but I still want to know from you - would you go back to see what they have written, if only for a while, or are you strong enough to look away? Is it easy for you not to 'care', or are you like me, you care too much at times. Marko can totally not care.  If someone is being an asshole / unfair etc, he just doesn't care. I wish I had more of that.)

Privacy, anonymity and your sphincter

This is something I have wanted to talk about for a long time, but haven’t had the time to write up something intelligent.  Unfortunately, it is late and I am tired, so the chances of this being a coherent post are slim, but you will get the gist of it.

The issue I wanted to talk about is privacy on the net.  Well, not privacy as in: here is my bank account number, my ID number and my secret PIN, please help yourself to all my money.  Not that kind of privacy.  Perhaps I am talking more about anonymity.  A bit of a mixture of both.

Oh bloody hell, I should actually wait until I am not tired to write this up, but that might only happen in 3-4 years time.

Let’s start again.

Let’s first talk about anonymity on the net. Like for example, on the bulletin boards.  People have various non-identifying pseudonyms, like TryingForMore, or NYCchick etc. Me? My user name has always been Tertia.  I am about as anonymous as a self-addressed envelope, and I really am totally ok with that. What I have to say anonymously is the same as what I would say openly.  I am who I am, and I feel no need to hide behind anonymity. Not that there is anything wrong with it, if that is what you choose, but I guess I just don’t understand the reason for it? 

I don’t get the whole sphincter-clenching paranoia of revealing info about yourself online.  (Clearly not – see semi-nekkid pic below!)  Let’s take the Facebook example.  I friend everyone who wants to be Facebook friends with me, unless you are clearly a pervert or an asshole.  But otherwise, if our only connection is that you read my blog, then why the hell not be FB friends. You can only read what I choose to put on there and quite honestly if the fact that I had a burger for lunch is going to turn you on / excite you / ignite you or anything else, then good for you.  Yes, you might get to see what my favourite movies are, or what I did last night, but WHO CARES?  Not me. 

Yesterday I posted a Google Map of my house on the Net.  Five years ago, when I just started blogging, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it.  But clearly some of your paranoia has rubbed off on me, and two seconds after I posted it, I went back and edited the images to take the coordinates off. 

(As I am busy writing this, a dear blog reader has managed to find the coordinates of my house within 10 minutes. Oh dear.)

Not 24 hours after putting up the post, the comments started from concerned blog readers (actually really sweet of you to be concerned for me! You’re not a bad lot) who were worried about me putting up those pics.

And then I started to worry that maybe I should be worried!  Maybe I should be worried about…………WHAT!  I don’t know!  What will someone do with the information if they know where I live?  Stalk me?  Break into my house?  I don’t know?

Because I blog so openly – you all know my full name, place of work and bra size, if you really wanted to stalk me, you could find me pretty quickly.

So maybe I should worry about that??? But again, what should I be worried about? What is someone going to do with this information? 

Yes, I know, someone impersonated me on the internet recently. Made up an entire life for themselves, based on my story, my photos of my kids etc. But that didn’t freak me out, I actually felt sorry for her. What harm did she do to me directly? None. 

Look, I know I can be pretty naïve.  I will be the first to admit that. My husband wants to KILL me sometimes for how naïve and trusting I am, but quite honestly, I do not see the danger in these issues.

I am far far FAR more concerned about someone breaking into my house, about rape and murder than I am about any internet stalker. Maybe it is because I live in South Africa, a country that has one of the highest crime rates in the world. Maybe because we live behind locked doors and windows, in security estates, with 24 guards patrolling the estate.  Maybe because we have electric fences and guard dogs, laser beams and alarms.

Maybe it is because we live with real danger every day, that we, or at least I, don’t see the threatened danger in this? I don’t know.

I am not sure if the anonymity thing has anything to do with the privacy thing, whether either have any thing to do with posting google maps pics of your house on the Internet.  I am not sure.  These are just thoughts swirling around in my head. 

But I am interested to hear what you think.  Why do you choose to post / blog / comment anonymously?  Why do the google maps of my house make you feel uncomfortable inside?  Why does your sphincter clench when it comes to privacy / anonymity on the Net?  What are you paranoid about? What do you think might happen?

Now:  A little lesson in how to answer the questions above:

The wrong way:

“I think you are very irresponsible to …………”

“well, I would never do XYZ because it is wrong!”

“it is foolish and stupid to put pictures of your house on the internet”

“My way is the only right way, therefore you are wrong and an irresponsible stupid person.”

The right way:

“What would worry me is ………….”

“I choose to do XYZ because I feel ……………”

“These are my fears….”

“you are a magnificent specimen, please let me adorn you with jewels and riches”

Ok, I almost lost this entire post because my computer clearly hates me and everything about me and just crashed. An HOUR after starting it!  Thank fuck it managed to save some of it.  But it really is time for bed, I can’t even see straight anymore. Too tired to spell check, grammar check, offensive check (check to see whether, god forbid, I have unintentionally offended anyone in this post). If I have offended anyone, please accept my apology in advance and unequivocally. Grammar police, take a deep breath and look the other way.

I am going to bed, be gentle. 

Motherhood or marriage?

Heather at Dooce had a really interesting post up on her blog about marriage and motherhood, and asked the question 'which do you find easier motherhood (or fatherhood) or marriage (or any long term, serious relationship'. I urge you go read her post, but the question is a pretty simple one, and I am interested to know what you think.  Which has been easier for you - Marriage or Motherhood? (For those who aren't married or a parent, which do you think you would find easier?)

When will the madness end???

As you know, the whole gift buying, gift wrapping, card giving thing is not for me. As someone who is terminally unromantic and about as traditional as today’s edition of the newspaper, Christmas is an especially trying time. All that choosing gifts! All that wrapping paper! WHAT IS WRONG WITH A GIFT CERTIFICATE??? 

 

Anyway, I try. I try because I must, because I have small children and because apparently the rest of the world likes their gifts wrapped, and bigger than the size of a standard gift certificate.

 

However, things sunk to a new level recently at the kids school, which made me realize the world has taken this thing a bit too far. 

 

It was another child’s birthday at school recently and the invitations were beautifully handmade, rolled up and tied with a bow and put in tiny golden baskets. Inside the basket were tiny sweets. I looked down wryly at my el cheepo ’20 invites for 20 bucks’ invites (we had a party for Adam and Kate at school as their real birthday is in school holidays) and thought DAMN! But you know, we can’t all be good at everything and some mothers are clearly way more creative than I am. As in WAY more creative.

 

But the real downer came a few days later as we were standing outside the school gates, and the party mom skipped up to us with a bunch of cards in her hand. Another party, I thought! But no, they were THANK YOU CARDS!! 

 

OMG! THANK YOU CARDS??? Individually hand written cards, thanking each child for the gift they bought. I felt instantly dizzy. I.Can’t.Go.On.Anymore……

 

How am I ever supposed to keep up? A card for this, a card for that. Wrap this, put a bow on this. Remember this anniversary, celebrate this occasion. No people, we can’t carry on like this anymore. Someone has to put a stop to this before we end up wrapping ourselves in shiny paper with beautifully handmade cards stuck all over the important bits. When will the madness end!!! 

 

I think I need to go lie down for a bit. 

 

PS It was only after my kid’s party that I realized other mom’s didn’t write on the wrapping paper with a black pen “To Susie, love Adam and Kate”. Apparently you need a card for that too.

 

Your guess is as good as mine

You know what I don’t get? I don’t get the whole speculation, guessing thing. I just don’t get it. Why bother guessing, why not just wait for the answer?

 

Marko and I are a lot alike in a lot of ways, but not in this way. Marko LOVES to guess. 

 

One of the only programs I watch on TV is Survivor so it has become a bit of a ritual for Marko and I to watch the program together, and every week, without fail, as we get to the end, Marko will ask me who do I think will get voted off. And every week I have to listen to Marko expend an enormous amount of brain energy working out various different scenarios of what will happen if X votes for Y but A votes for B.  And I sit there thinking ‘huh? Just wait two minutes and we will know for sure’.* 

 

I don’t get it. I asked him why he does it and he says so that he can prove he is right. Against yourself? I ask. You want to prove to yourself that you were right? Yes, he says. As I said, I don’t get it.

 

But it seems Marko is not alone in this. It happens in sport, in politics, in just about everything. I listen to the radio how they dedicate entire SHOWS to guess what the score will be in tomorrow’s game. They call experts in, they have phone ins, they argue back and forth why their guess might be right and I sit there thinking ‘WHAT IS THE POINT????’ Just wait until tomorrow and then we will all know.

 

If you are a serial guesser, please explain the fascination. Is it a similar thrill to gambling? (Another thing I totally DO NOT GET!) When you gamble is part of the thrill guessing right? Or is just that you like throwing your money away? (Heh heh. I have many addictions but gambling is certainly not one of them, way too tightfisted for that.)

 

* There is nothing Marko likes more than proving himself right AND at the same time, me wrong. Even though he makes me play the guessing game against my will, he still gets a little thrill when his guess is right and mine is wrong.  Whatever, you guessed right, you are the winner, well done. Come here let me pat you on the head.