So Close

Just as well its a boy

I've always had this thing in my head that you should want daughters because daughters stay close to their mothers, and sons leave home to be with their wives.  We are three sisters and a brother and we are actually all very close to our parents.  I see my parents just about every day.  Marko's parents we see once every two weeks.  I suppose it works out that way because my parents stay up the road and his parents live a 30 min drive away.  (As soon as I got pregnant with the kids, I moved to be close to my mom)  But still, I've always had this 'thing' that girls will stay close to their mother. 

And so, when I got pregnant with LN7 (Leo/Max/Mack/James/Finn/Alex/Jack), my head said I want another girl.  I would have been happy with either of course, but I felt like I should want a girl.  Because girls stay close to their moms. But in my heart, I wanted another boy.  We are not a girly family and I am certainly not a girly girl.  However, Kate is even less of a girl than I am.

I told her a few days that we were going to a little friend from school's party.  A girls only party.  "Oh cool," says Kate, "will there be dinosaurs there?"  No, actually it is a fairy and princess party because that is what most girls like. Oh, she says.

Today I went shopping for Christmas presents for the kids.  I bought them quite a few presents that I know they will like, and while I worked my way to the pay point, I realized that not once had I ventured into the girls section.  I didn't even bother because she doesn't like anything there. Instead she is getting a giant remote control dinosaur, a skeleton set and a few other monster and dinosaur things. 

Then, on the way home from my mom today, Adam said he is going to buy all the kids in his class a present. All the boys are getting a car and all the girls are getting a princess.  Kate informs him that she doesn't want a princess.  What would you like, he asks.  A skullasaurus she says.  Oh ok, Kate can have a skullasaurus.

Yes, just as well LN7 is a boy because heaven knows what I would do with a girly girl.  Although, one of each would have been nice, a girl, a boy and a Kate.

PS Re the names thing, don't hold your breath.  We are making slow progress here.  Rather annoying that I have to consult my husband on this issue, slows up the decision making process considerably.

The reason why I need your input

Tertia: What do you think about Mack? Don’t answer now, take your time. I love the name.

 

Marko: Perfect. We can use Mack as his second name and his first name can be Apple

 

Tertia: Don’t be an asshole! Focus.

 

Marko: We could call him Maki and his second name could be Sushi

 

Tertia: This has been a really useful conversation, we will speak later. 

PS LBC check today, all well.  Not brave enough to go two weeks between LBCs but hopefully soon.  If I can get that damn doppler working!

Top Name Picks

Wow, you guys are bloody good at this naming thing. So, here are my top choices with comments with each name. Poll to follow below.

 

Jack – Love Jack, but two things worry me (a) It is very popular right now, and (b) what about ‘naughty Jack’*?

Jake – Like Jake, but sounds a little Bold and the Beautiful to me. Maybe not?

Simon – Marko’s first choice, not really mine.  Not terribly mad about the name although do love the Simon who lives up the road who is very handsome and clever (in case he is reading this blog)

Noah – Like Noah, but worried that (a) it is too trendy right now, and (b) everyone with think I am a happy clapper ;-)

Leo – Love Leo, but wonder if it is too different to Adam and Kate.

Max – Also love Max, but also v trendy right now. Plus we had a dog called Max when we were younger.

James – James is nice, but might be too posh for us?

Finn – Sweet, but is it boy’ish enough? Or is Finn someone who gets beaten up for being too soft?

Alex – Like Alex, but we already have Adam Albertyn, and now Alex Albertyn – too many As?

Wait, a late contender!!  Mack - I love Mack!  Sounds like Jack and Max together, my two fave names, but not trendy.  I think Mack might be my first prize!

 

Can't do Zack as that is my nephew's name, can't do Paul as that is my father's name, my brother's name and Adam's second name.  Josh/Joshua way too popular in SA.  Sam I like but too much of a girl's name here.  Daniel is my nephew's name. This is tougher than I thought. I suppose Marko gets a say, but not if we are quick enough on the draw. Let’s just sort this out between us and present him with a fait accompli.

 

*Not sure if you have someone (fictional) in your house who does all the naughty things? Well, we do. His name is Jack. Jack litters, Jack shouts at his mother. Jack breaks his toys, Jack is actually the one who drew on the walls in Kate’s room. How will the kids react when I say “hey kids, say hello to your little brother Jack’. The only saving grace is that apparently there is a good Jack and a naughty Jack, although we don’t speak much about the good Jack. Naughty Jack gets much more air time.

 

Name that blog baby!

Oh what the hell, I might as well enjoy it.  I was going to say we can only talk about names after Wed's LBC (live baby check) but you know what, I can't keep living in limbo, waiting and worrying about the 'what if'. I am going to TRY my best to enjoy this pregnancy. (Dear Jinx, I am not enticing you, I am being pragmatic rather than arrogant.  Please don't punish me)

So, name that baby.  The parameters:

• Must fit in with Adam and Kate
• Don't worry too much about fitting in with Albertyn because what the hell fits in with that anyway.  Don't tell Marko I said that.
• We prefer short names. Like Adam and Kate.
• Not terribly fond of very modern or trendy names.
• Ben and Luke are out as they are the names of my other sons who passed away.

Fire away. I look forward to your suggestions.  A smooch (with tongue) to the person who comes up with the winning name.

Normal!!!!!!!!!!

Normal Normal Normal!!!!!!!  One x normal male*.  I am so ecstatic!  I can finally exhale.

* I told my mom that the results were 'normal male' and she said "is there such a thing?"  Hahaha!

And the waiting continues...

Fetal assessment centre just called, results will only be ready on Monday, blech.  Guess those maternity clothes are going to have to stay in the packet for another few days. I feel my zen-like state evaporating as we speak.

The Infertile and the Jinx Factor

Either the scars run deep, or old habits die hard, but even now, even with this au natural who-knew-sex-could-get-you-pregnant pregnancy, it is so hard to let go of the jinx factor.

 

When you are going through infertility, you have so little control over what happens – very little control over how your body responds and no control over the final result. You can try as hard as you can, and you still can’t influence the result. It’s a huge mindfuck, especially for the A types who are used to controlling their world, and who have always believed that effort = reward. 

 

And so, in order to try and wrestle some semblance of control, you (a) educate yourself with as much info as you can and (b) look for ‘signs’ every where. Even if before you merrily walked under ladders and laughed at black cats in your path, you suddenly become hyper vigilant for signs. A baby sticker on the window of the car in front of you as you drive to the clinic – IT’S A SIGN!! A song playing on the radio that you danced to as your first dance – IT’S A SIGN!! If you can’t find a sign, you make one up. Infertiles love signs.

 

The flip side of looking for signs, is fearing the jinx factor. The jinx factor reigns large. We live in fear of the jinx factor. After so many IVFs, pregnancies and losses, you would think that by now I would know that if something is going to go wrong, it is going to go wrong (because of perfectly logical, explainable MEDICAL factors), but no, I am still so fearful of the jinx factor.

 

Announcing that you are pregnant is hugely jinxy. But somehow, if you announce it with the right ‘tone’ (not too confident or boastful, instead full of gratitude edged with a bit of fear), it is less jinxy.  Working out your due date – very, very jinxy. Acting 100% confident / blasé / naïve / boastful about being pregnant – very, very jinxy.

 

Yesterday when I want for the CVS, I was comforting myself that it would be good because it was at a new doctor, not the one that did the CVS for the last pregnancy that turned out so bad, and that blah blah blah (looking for signs every where) and when the new doctor walked in, I immediately recognized her (and her me) from when I did the CVS with the quads – she was there that day assisting. I was completely stuck as to whether it was a good sing or a jinx. Brain melted.

 

As you know, we have a brilliant local online support site (Fertilicare) for local infertiles. I hang around the infertile boards giving people encouragement where I can, answering questions where I can and occasionally I lurk on the pregnancy boards. So yesterday I thought I would join them there, announcing my pregnancy and joining in the group. I opened up a new post, was about to start typing my news and then I shut the window down. I just couldn’t. Far too jinxy.

 

I know that my friends and family get, um, irritated is too strong a word, lets say ‘concerned’ that I am like this, that I am not 100% skippy happy, its not that I don’t want to, its just that I can’t. It is far too jinxy. I feel as if as long as I hold on to a little bit of the respectful fear, I am somehow am protecting myself and the pregnancy from the jinx.

 

As I said, the scars run deep and old habits die hard.

 

PS I have a few good signs that comfort me that just maybe this will end up ok, but I obviously can’t share them with you as that would be way too jinxy ;-)

 

PPS I really am ok, and even dare I say it, happy! This is just my way of dealing with the fear.  I am fearfully happy.  Happily fearful.  Actually just happy touched with a tiny, teeny bit of fear of the jinx.

 

PPPS Another really jinxy thing is to get all cocky about picking baby names, but I’ve always picked my names early so I might do the same.  Am going to ask you for help as this baby was practically conceived on this blog anyway. Don’t post your suggestions yet!!! Too jinxy. Only after Friday’s results. Then we will have the name discussion. Put your thinking caps on in the mean time.

It’s a ………………!

Scan went very well. As good as I could ask for. We did the preliminary risk profile and as I suspected, my odds were 1 in 50 based on my history and my age. After the scan and the good nuchal measurement, my odds improved to 1 in 400. Not bad for an old duck with crap eggs.

 

All the bits that were supposed to be there, were there – nasal bone, heart chambers, kidneys, brain, skull bones etc.  I did the CVS, although it was a tough call to do it. I almost decided not to but after chatting to the doctor, I went ahead and I am so glad I did. It wasn’t a pleasant experience, it never is, but at least I will know for sure Results back hopefully on Friday, otherwise Monday.

 

It was the best kind of result I could have hoped for and I am incredibly grateful. I am feeling quite optimistic and hopeful. Long may this feeling last!

 

Oh, and contrary to every one’s expectation, including my own, we are having a boy! I am absolutely thrilled. I would have loved a girl, but deep down I have to admit I am a boy mom. There are no pink frilly bits in my house, Kate is practically a boy anyway and I am not sure a girly girl would have made it in our boy house. Another boy! Wow. Marko makes lots of boys! (This is our sixth boy!)

 

I am at my mom’s place for the next 24 hours, taking it easy and resting.

 

I am very very happy and very very grateful. Still got to get through the next few days while we wait for the results, but so far, so very good.

Oh, and I forgot to add, we have a due date - 30 May 2009. 

 

Birthdays and Scary Days

It was my 40^th birthday party last night, and it was a great success. It was just perfect for me, low key, fun and informal. My father, brother and husband did a sterling job of arranging everything. I will post some pics when I get hold of some. I exposed my rather large porky belly, so you might see a bit of that. (by ‘exposed’ I mean wear a fitted top)

 

Fun time not withstanding, I must say it felt very weird to be pregnant and sober on my 40^th. It was just not how I imagined it would be. I thought I would be fit, tanned, toned, slim, botoxed and rather merry. Not sober, pregnant and feeling very frumpish. I felt weird. It also felt weird because I’ve been holding back on celebrating this pregnancy until next week is over and last night I couldn’t really hold back. Firstly, I look so obviously pregnant and secondly, everyone knew and was asking me things like “when is your due date?” (No idea, I’ve been too scared to work it out in case, heaven forbid, something goes wrong and then I will always have that date stuck in my mind).

 

Needless to say, Tuesday is on my mind all the time. It’s a big, big thing, as I am sure you can well believe. I feel like I haven’t felt for a long time, not since the big bad scary days of infertility. Scared, anxious and so so tempted to crawl back into the cave. Things will never be as bad as they were then, and I will be ok because no matter what happens because I have my children, but this has reminded of so much of the past pain. 

 

So, I am going to probably be quiet for the next few days. My appointment is at lunchtime on Tuesday. Best case scenario is that the nuchal measurement comes back really great, there are no obvious markers for any abnormalities. I will do the CVS just to make 100% sure. I will go to my mom’s place afterwards to rest for a while and I will get the CVS results back on Friday. Worst case scenario is that Tuesday’s scan shows some pretty serious signs of abnormalities and I leave there in dread, waiting for the CVS results to come back. Either way, next week is a pretty big week.

 

I will update as soon as I can on Tuesday to let you know what the initial NT scan says. Please keep LN7 in your thoughts and hope for good results next week.

 

PS I ask that although you might not agree with the decisions I am taking regarding the CVS and the consequences thereof, you respect that it is my decision to make, and that I am making a choice that is right for ME and for MY family. Thanks.

Not exactly a stellar record

(Updated below)

Because I am an anal little nerd, and because I’ve been around the block a few times, I decided to type up a little info sheet for the technician in preparation for next week’s (eek!) big NT scan and CVS:

 

PG History

 

Dx PCOS, Endo, 10 IVFs, 3 IUIs, 7 pregnancies, two known trisomies, two suspected trisomies, two lives births (including one set of twins), one neonatal death, one set surviving twins

 

2002 – ectopic pregnancy

 

2002 – Early vanishing twin, remaining embryo MC 8w3d – Trisomy 21

 

2003 – quad pregnancy. 12w scan showed following risk factors:

Baby A – 1 in 2 – S/R

Baby B – 1 in 15 – CVS – normal male – still born @ 21w

Baby C – 1 in 25 – CVS – normal male –born prem @ 26w, died 10 days later

Baby D – 1 in 200 – suspected heart defect, S/R

 

2004 – twin pregnancy – low risk on nuchal scan, so no CVS. 16w scan showed potential marker (hole in heart), did amnio – normal b / g twins, live birth

 

2005 – 2006 – contraception - Mirena

 

2007 – spontaneous conception – MC 6/7w – Trisomy 13

 

2008 – spontaneous conception – MC <6W ??

 

2008 – spontaneous conception – current pregnancy

 

As you will see by my list, my record is not exactly stellar when it comes to chromosomally ‘normal’ pregnancies. And those were all pregnancies in my mid thirties. Seeing as I am Very Old now, I am pretty sure I am going to hit the 1 in under a hundred odds even before I lie on that exam bed.

 

I am very nervous for the CVS, the last one I had was not nice. I found it very painful and quite traumatic. And I know how agonizing the wait is going to be afterwards. In fact, I am absolutely dreading next week. And yes, I know the risks of CVS, having done both CVS and amnio in the past. But it is a risk I am prepared to take because unfortunately, unlike so many of you have indicated you are, I don’t think I am special enough for a special needs child.

 

I need my LBC today (1pm). As the nausea abates, the paranoia increases. And of course it doesn’t help that I got the Doppler this weekend and couldn’t find the heartbeat. Didn’t know where to look, so tried for five minutes, got too anxious and gave up. Lovely. Fun fun fun.

 

I just want next week over with. I feel as if I have been holding my breath since I found out I am pregnant, and I can’t wait to exhale.

Update:  LBC = all well.  Phew.  My lovely gynae who I love, helped me find the hb with the doppler, you were right, I was WAY off course - I was buggering around close to my belly button when I should have been poking around near my pubic bone.  No wonder it took us so long to conceive, we've clearly been poking around in the wrong area all this time.