So Close

IVF Survey

Are you going through IVF treatment? If so, take the IVF survey, sponsored by MomLogic.com, Redbook and the National Women's Health Resource Center. Make your voice heard!  Launch the survey here.

Feeding the beast

It has a strange allure, this yearning of mine. Like most addictions, you are never fully cured. Recovered perhaps, but never cured.

Even now, three years later, the slightest reminder gives me that familiar wrench inside. I pretend to be totally over it, I act as if I couldn’t care less. Nothing could be further than the truth.

The craving is always there, lurking under the surface. I pretend to fit in, to be ‘normal’, whatever that might be, but I know I am not. I never will be. It is impossible to deny my past, even if my present looks so rosy.

I dream about it, about doing it one more time. I rationalize it to myself. Many people do it and few have regrets! I won’t go for the heavy stuff again, I’ll just flirt with the fun stuff, the easy stuff! It’s not like I will slip back into that terrible, dark place again if I just do it for fun!

Except that I know I am fooling myself. I won’t be able to stop. I won’t be able to do it just once, or just twice. That is how I started last time and look where that ended up.

‘I’m fine’, I keep telling myself. Look at how great my life is now!

But I want more. I crave more.  I want it, I need it.

It would be so easy. Just a phone call. All I have to do is pick up the phone and ask to see him again; I will be right back in that world again. As if I had never left.

God, just once more! Just let me do this once more and I promise I’ll stop. Just one more IVF, one more chance at a baby, and then I promise you, I’m done. Just one more.

(cross posted from my Times column)

I should make it clear, this is not something I am asking of anyone - of my husband, or anyone else.  It is instead a conversation I am having within myself. A to-and-fro between my heart and my head.  Sometimes, most times, my head wins. As it should. It is the right decision.  But every now and then sound of my heart's yearning drowns out all the neat rationalizations I use to convince myself that I'm done.  That I am happy being done. It is the right decision. Even if it is tinged with much sadness and regret. It is just how it is. 

Nurture - South Africa's Premier Egg Donor Program

Ok, I can't keep it to myself anymore!  Here is my big project I have been working on. I am so so SO excited!!!!  We are officially launching only on the 01st March, but I couldn't wait any longer to tell you.

_____________________________________________________________________________

 

We are delighted to announce the launch of South Africa’s premier Egg Donor Program 

nurture Egg Donor Program is a concept conceived by two people who are passionate about the world of infertility and egg donation. Tertia Albertyn, well-known author, former infertility patient and now mother of twins, and Melany Bartok, former egg donor herself and the country’s leading Egg Donation Director are both elated to be doing what they feel is their life’s calling!

At nurture, our focus is on recruiting, selecting and supporting top quality donors who are committed to the process of donating.  Our objective is to provide complete donor care – encompassing education, information and support throughout the entire process, from application through to donation and beyond.

We look forward to connecting with you and all the other people whose desire it is to give others a chance to realize their dreams.

With passion and vooma,
Tertia and Melany

For more information about Nurture Egg Donor Program please contact either Tertia (tertia@nurture.co.za / 0824418639) or Melany (melany@nurture.co.za / 0766848489)

_____________________________________________________________________________

It is still very early days.  We might not have our website up yet or fancy stationery etc, but what we do have is lots and lots of passion and excitement; and 100% conviction that this is going to be absolutely wonderful, not only for us, but for everyone involved - the egg donors, the recipients and the clinics as well! We are totally into creating a situation where everyone benefits - a win-win situation for all. 

I am not giving up my day job, I am going to be investor and adviser for now while Mel works full time for Nurture.  Together, the two of us are going to set this space alight! It is so great to be involved in something so dear to my heart.  YAY us!

PS:  If you are a young, healthy 20-34 year old South African woman who would like to find out more about egg donation, please send an email to info@nurture.co.za.  If you are an old bat with tired, overcooked (vrot) eggs like mine, but you know of young, healthy women who would like to find out more about egg donation, tell them to give us a shout.

PPS: If you are a South African blogger, please consider posting a note on your blog to spread the word about Nurture Egg Donor Program.

PPPS: If you are a man, thanks but no thanks. We don’t need your sperm right now, but thanks for the kind offer!

PPPPS:  Woooo hooooo!!!!  Do you have any idea how excited I am about doing something that could potentially mean so much to so many people!  Very, very excited indeed.

Tags: nurture, nurture egg donor, nurture egg donation, egg donation south africa, egg donor south africa, ivf, ivf safari, ivf south africa

The importance of good bedside manner

From what I have read and the little I understand about healthcare in other countries, it would appear that we have a different approach to the kind of service we get from health professionals in this country. And by ‘we’ I mean the privileged few like myself who can afford private medical care and who don’t have to stand in long queues at Government hospitals.

I suppose it is different here because we don’t get told who to see or when we can see them, we decide who we will see and the wait to get an appointment is seldom long at all. Here in South Africa, the level of service you get from the private medical profession is outstanding. The patient is the customer and as paying customers we demand a high level of professionalism and care from our doctors and support staff. And if we don’t like it, we will go to someone else. For those who can afford it, the care is of the highest quality professionally and medically as well.

However, no matter where you are in the world, no matter if are paying for it yourself or you are on some kind of national health service, the one thing that makes all the difference between a positive experience and a negative one is the caregiver’s bedside manner. And this is seldom more important than in the case of infertility care.

By the time you go to see a fertility specialist, you are in a pretty crappy place. You’ve probably been trying for a quite a while, 17,000 people have seen your vagina and your husband has had to ejaculate several times into a tiny bottle and have the results scrutinized by 10 laboratory folk who come back with a big ‘NOT GOOD ENOUGH’ stamp on his report card. You are feeling beaten down, broken, desperate, worthless.

And then you go to your first appointment at the fertility clinic where at the end of the day, the procedures, treatments and prices are pretty similar. There really are only so many ways to do an IVF etc. What makes a difference between a positive experience where you leave feeling full of hope and confidence and a horrible experience where you feel like a worthless piece of shit is how you are treated by all the people you come into contact with. The way they greet you, the way they treat you. The way they answer your questions and allay your fears. The patience they show when they explain the same procedure over and over again. How they remember your name if you’ve been there 75 times before. When they ask you how you are first, before they ask you for your credit card. All those things that can be collectively described as ‘bedside manner’.

So important!!

Which is why I have chosen it as my topic when I speak at the South African Fertility Sisters conference in two weeks time.  Once a year, all the fertility support staff get together to have a conference and chat about all the different aspects of their job. It is a great idea and I am honoured to have been invited to talk. My topic is “The importance of good bedside manner”

This is where you come in – I would love your input into this topic. Help me put together an interesting, useful talk on what the fertility nurses and support staff can do to make our lives easier. How would we like to be treated? Tell me about a positive experience you had and what made it so wonderful. Tell me about a negative experience you had and how it made you feel.  Help me tell them what type of ‘bedside manner’ we need to make this horrible experience of infertility just a little easier to bare.

PS Have a peak at my first new project - Fertilicare. Fertilicare is an outstanding Infertility Support site, with a very active online support forum for South Africans who are going through infertility.  All the hard work was done by my partner Maritza who is probably one of most talented people I've met.

Closing Shop

(bodily functions and faulty reproductive bits mentioned)

I’m having a bit of a dilemma. Which is putting it mildly. I am not sure whether to shut the factory down for good, or keep it chugging along in its pitiful, yet marginally functioning state. 

If things were normal, if *I* was normal (cue hysterical laughter here), then I might be happy to let things chug along as they were and see what happens. But things (my body and I) are far from normal and so I feel like I need to make a decision either way. Which really sucks and makes me feel a renewed sense of frustration, irritation and mourning for the sorry state of affairs of my reproductive bits. 

I need to decide whether I would like another child, or whether I should go back on the pill / Mirena and put a final full stop at the end of ‘Mommy, Daddy, Adam and Kate.’

There is a part of me that would LOVE to conceive naturally and be pregnant with ONE baby. A big part. I have been so cheated of any ‘normal’ conception and pregnancy experience, plus I haven’t ever had a chance what it feels like to hold just one baby. To focus all your attention on ONE baby. So yes, there is a part of me that would love to have all of that. Plus I like the idea of a big family. I come from a big family.

But do I want another child? Children are expensive. They are exhausting. It has been a rough first two years with the twins; I am FINALLY seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Do I really want to go through this again? 

And what about the very high chance of another loss? Can I handle yet another loss? What about the wear and tear on my body that pregnancy brings? I have been pregnant five times already. I am not sure my body and mind can handle any more.

It is not just the psychological and emotional limbo, I can handle that. Hell, I’ve been handling that for eight years now. Plus I don’t have the same sense of angst anymore, obviously. It is more a case of “would be nice, but not heartbreaking if it doesn’t happen”.

Another factor that is coming into play is my age. I will be 39 this month. OMG! How the fuck did that happen? Woosh! The sound of the years between 27 and 39 just racing by. I swear I was 27 only last week sometime! I am not sure I want to have another child at 40+. Not because I think there is anything wrong with being an older mother (in fact, I think there is a lot to be said for waiting a little), but because I am feeling my age. I feel old, and very very tired. Both my kids, but especially my son, take up so much of my energy that I am not sure I have it in me to have another one. What if it too is a non-sleeping, hard-work child! So, yes, the age thing is something I am considering. I am not sure what the cut off point would be for me, but it feels soon’ish.

The thing that is driving me to make the closing-shop decision sooner rather than later is that my cycles are completely wonky and it is driving me crazy.  I have loooong cycles and I take forever to stop bleeding. Sorry if TMI. (It is as if my body doesn’t have the hormone necessary to say “ok, you are done with your period, you can stop bleeding now and make eggs or a lining or whatever the fuck normal people make” My body gets stuck on repeat. No period………no period………no period………no period………no period………no period………no period………no period……… PERIOD!! Periodperiodperiodperiodperiodperiodperiodperiodperiod.  

I hate living like that. It wears me down and I actually want to reclaim my body back. Go back on the pill to force my body into a proper cycle (and stop the bleeding), or go on the Mirena and have no cycle at all. Even better.  If my useless reproductive bits (including those spectacularly ineffectual hormones of mine) aren’t doing anything except annoy me, why bother keeping them functional? Why not just shut them down for good and move on with my life. Eight years is a long time after all. And I do have two wonderful children. So why not just shut it down and move on?

Because I secretly think I want another child. And because dammit, I want my chance at normal. And because putting myself on birth control goes against every infertile bone in my body. Plus, my body has done it before. Conceive. Four times with a lot of medical intervention and once where, in a rare moment of planetary alignment and supernatural luck, the forces combined to ensure that there was an egg, a willing sperm cell with a keen sense of direction, a couch and napping children all at the same time. Of course that pregnancy ended really well, but the point is that with enough divine intervention and thinking of England, I apparently can conceive on my own. Do I really want to close off that tiny chance?

And yet, I feel as if I must make a decision. I want my life back and my body back.  (My mind is long gone) It is so unfair though. That I have to make this decision. Makes me cross all over again. Infertility: The gift that keeps on giving. It is amazing how something that other people don’t ever give a passing thought to can cause so much anguish in the lives of others. Sigh. 

Anyway, if you were me (aren’t you thankful you aren’t!), what would you do? Shut the factory down and get on with your life or keep the rusty machinery going just a bit longer. Just in case? What say you, oh wise and wonderful ones?

Infertility Support Group Meetings - CPT and JNB

JOHANNESBURG 3rd SEPTEMBER:

"We have survived the winter, please join us for our first Spring Support!  Meeting taking place in Johannesburg, Hurlingham/Sandhurst Area from 6-8pm on Monday the 3rd September.  Please RSVP to either: fertilityr@worldonline.co.za OR fertilityk@worldonline.co.za

Hope to see you there"

CAPE TOWN 8th SEPTEMBER:

Its time for our next Cape Town Stork Sisters get-together.  If you feel, like me, in desperate need of helpful information, as well as some encouragement, support, and genuine understanding, please keep your diary open for this one. Kindly pass on the invitation to any friends struggling with infertility who may not be on our mailing list. 

 

Vicky, the acupuncturist of "So Close" fame, has kindly agreed to come and spend some time with us on a Saturday afternoon in September, to tell us more about the potential value of acupuncture for infertility or during infertility treatment.  Tertia and others from previous meetings will be there to support and share a glass of wine/juice (or two).

 

Date: Saturday 8 September 2007

Time: 13h00

Venue: Will be confirmed upon RSVP, but suffice to say that one very kind super stork sister is (again) opening up her heart&home to us

What to bring: We're trying to keep it low maintenance, so would like to ask that each person brings a snack or two (~ as much as you would eat yourself) and something to drink (~ as much as you would drink yourself). We'll throw the whole bunch together and voila...! snacks & drinks!

RSVP to Therinat@gmail.com 

Cape Town Fertility Support Group get togethor

Keen to bond over pizzas and wine (or juice, as is your preference)? 

Venue: Colcaccio at Canal Walk

Date: Thursday 2nd August 2007

Time:  7pm

You are welcome to eat and drink whatever you want - but please be responsible about settling your bill before you leave!!

Please RSVP to Sue at sue at fcbct.co.za

JHB Infertility Support Group Meeting

Next JHB support group meeting will be held on the 31st July. More details here.

What is stopping you from doing just one more IVF?

My answer?

80% too poor
10% too old
10% too much without hope that would work anyway

If I had unlimited funds, I would carry on trying until we had another one.  The pain / hormones / discomfort etc aren't enough to put me off.  The money is.

(if you choose 'other' on the poll, please enter your reason in the space provided. if you want to)

Look away, I am about to have a ‘moment’

You know how sometimes those close to us (or even sometimes ourselves) will have one of those ‘moments; a brief emotional outburst where they spew stuff that isn’t very pretty to see. A real ‘poor me’ moment where they rant / rave / cry / wail about how unfair the universe is to them. 

If you are a good friend you will know that the last thing they want is for you to try make them feel better, or point out all the things they should be grateful for and how silly or childish they are being. Instead you know what they need is for you to just be there for them, and perhaps utter the words they need to hear: “Yes, it is damn unfair and I am really sorry you are going through this.” Whatever the ‘this’ might be.

So, get ready, I am about to have a ‘moment’ ……..

Start of Moment….

I am so insanely jealous of all those people who are able to CHOOSE when to have children and how many to have. Who decide ‘yes, lets have one’, have sex and bam! they are pregnant. No injections, no doctors visits, no pain / heartache / invasive procedures. Just sex, and then a baby.

I am so insanely jealous of those who get pregnant and are able to enjoy their pregnancy without the debilitating fear. Without bedrest, weekly scans and constant terror. Just swollen bellies and happy moments. Instead of losing four out of their five pregnancies. How fucked up is that!

I am jealous of those people who get pregnant on their first IVF, or even worse, Clomid or IUI’s. I don’t hate them (good luck to them), but I feel like an absolute and total fuck up of a failure in comparison. I hate that I feel like this. It makes me feel bitter and jealous. Which I guess I am.

I am bitter that it took me so long to get to this point, that I wasted so many years living in the hell that is infertility. I am as mad as hell that I am almost 39 and I started this shit when I was 31, that isn’t fair.

I hate that I still carry the bitterness in my heart, I hate that it STILL hurts so much. I hate that no matter how much I try and convince myself otherwise, this shit still makes me feel like a failure. 

I am sad and mad that after all I have been through; I had to go through this again and fail. Have I not been through enough? 

It’s not you. I don’t hate you, I don’t want you not to have what you have, I am just so jealous that I don’t have it too. 

And yes, I know there is cancer / poverty / war / heartache / loss / sorrow etc, and I know I have so much to be grateful for. I know that I am incredibly blessed to have my two beautiful children (at what cost, my friends, at what terrible cost). I know all of that. But dammit all, I wanted this to work. I wanted another baby. I tried, and I failed yet again. And it hurts.

Life can be bloody unfair sometimes.

……End of Moment.

There we go, rant over.  I feel better now. Thanks for not trying to make me feel better or wave all the bad feelings away. Thanks for just being there and for your ongoing support, even in the ugly times. 

I’ve done this enough times to know that it is not over until it’s over (i.e. the blood test says it’s over), but you know how sometimes you just know? Well, besides the glaring evidence of the three negative tests, I really do know that it hasn’t worked. I will still go for the blood test on Monday, but I know in my heart and in my head it hasn’t worked. And I really am ok about it. I just needed to stamp my feet and cry my tears, which I have done and I am ready to be skippy again.

I’m fine, I really am. I just needed to have my little ‘moment’. I am ready to move on with the next phase in my life. They say life begins at 40. Well, bring it on. I am ready for the good times.  My thirties were spent in anguish and frustration. No more. From now I am going to live, laugh and love. This is going to be my decade to be fabulous, just you wait and see!