In the beginning, when you first start out trying to conceive you are filled with hope, optimism and excitement. You smile secret smiles while you dream about your future. You have visions of blissful mother and baby moments, all soft lighting and beautiful music.
As the months and years go by, and as you face negative after negative, the dream soon becomes too painful to dream. Instead of soft lighting and beautiful music there is disappointment, pain and fear that the dream might never become a reality. There is no vision, there is only a big question mark.
And so you go into self preservation mode. The music goes off and the lights go dark and you start wondering if it is really worth it. Perhaps that beautiful vision isn't real. Perhaps you were fooling yourself all along. Perhaps you don't really want this. Look at your life - your life isn't so bad as it is. Maybe deep down, you don't really want children. The pain of trying again and again seems too much. Perhaps you should just give up. You wonder whether it really is worth it.
I asked myself that question many times. After yet another negative, after yet another miscarriage.
Now that I am on the other side, now that I am 'living the dream', I want to answer that question for everyone who is where I was all those years ago, wondering whether they should carry on, wondering whether it is worth it.
It is worth it. It is worth it times a million. It - being a mother / having children - is better than I ever dreamed it would be, ever hoped it would be. It is also harder than I realized it could be - children make you old / fat / poor / tired / celibate / exasperated / grumpy / irritable etc, but even with all of that, it is so absolutely worth it.
There are so many wonderful, amazing things that I hadn't even anticipated - the togetherness you feel, the sense of purpose, the grounding, the kinship, the family, the entertainment, the laughs, the way they love you, the opportunity to view the world anew through their eyes etc etc, but the most mind blowing part is how much YOU love them. The opportunity to love someone or something so completely, so unconditionally with every fibre of your being is what makes it worth it. It is a type of love I didn't even know existed, it is a deep, primal love that comes from the very marrow of your bones, from within the cells of your heart. It is an all consuming, deeply powerful love. The opportunity to experience that kind of love is a privilege and an honour.
There is no soft lighting or beautiful music, I don't know what I was thinking there! More like florescent lighting and rock music on full blast, with the occasional thunderstorm and stuck record (me). It is crazy, busy, exhausting and so absolutely 100% worth it.
If you are in that place where picking yourself up and trying again seems almost too much to bear and you wonder if it is worth it, I want to tell you it absolutely is. Times a million.
I hope that you get to find out for yourself soon.