So Close

Dirty Little Secrets

MotherTalk Book Review:  "Dirty Little Secrets by Otherwise Perfect Moms"  Trishia Ashworth and Amy Nobile

"While Tricia Ashworth and Amy Nobile were researching their earlier book, I Was a Really Good Mom Before I Had Kids, the dirty little secrets started pouring out: the woman who admitted to sneaking cigarettes with her husband in the minivan while the kids watched movies inside the house to the mother who had her children wear their school clothes to bed each night. Hence the creation of this small, sinful read–Dirty Little Secrets from Otherwise Perfect Moms–that will make you feel good about your parenting skills when you’re having one of those days."

Do you know about the site called Post Secret?  One of the most amazing reads.  I read that site with my hands covering my eyes, peeping through my fingers.  Some of the 'secrets' are really funny, others are quite scandalous, and some are really, really sad.

"Dirty Little Secrets" is like Post Secret, for moms.  The books is a collection of 'secrets' written by moms.  Some of the secrets were really funny, some of them reminded me of myself ("My kids yell because I yell at them"), but the book left me with an underlying sense of sadness.  Because despite its claim to make you feel less alone if you sometimes feel like the 'less than perfect mom', the fact that some of these were considered 'dirty secrets' made me sad.  To me, it just highlights how pervasive the myth of 'perfect parenting' is.

The book is meant to be an entertaining read, a lighthearted look at our various mothering imperfections, but perhaps I am just not in the right head space to appreciate it for what it is meant to be.  I just wish that these didn't have to be 'dirty little secrets' at all, I wish they could just be called 'life'.

So, what's my secret?  Well, considering my penchant for circumspection, there aren't many of my 'secrets' that you don't already know.  Yes, my kids still drink their formula(!) in bottles(!) and still suck on their dummies(!)  But that doesn't worry me at all.  Oh! I do have a secret I haven't told you.  I cut the crusts off my kids sandwiches. Always.  But even that is not so bad.  I cut the crusts off my own bread and look how well I turned out!  I guess my dirty little secret is that I am a yeller, and I am not very proud about that at all. But I never did claim to be anywhere close to being the Perfect Mom.  My dirty little secrets aren't really secrets at all, they are just part of who I am.

But, on a lighter note, it is on the whole, a very lighthearted, entertaining read.  Mother Talk Inc are running a contest inviting readers to enter their 'dirty little secret' and win an Amazon gift voucher.  Read more about it here.

More info on the book here.  Buy the book here.

Hidden Costs

I love my new boobs. As I have said before, they have turned out way better than I expected. However, along with the upside, comes a few negatives I hadn’t quite factored into the equation. 

Firstly (and not terribly important), I can no longer sleep on my stomach. And you know how if you can’t lie in a certain position, that is all you want to do? 

Secondly, I knew I would have to buy new bras, but what I didn’t realize is that I can no longer buy bras from any run of the mill shop. No more cheap and easy Woollies bras for me, now I have to go to specialist bra shops to get decent fitting bras. Which means spending more $$. And you know how much I hate spending money.

Actually, that is the entire downside. 

I’d write more but my feet are in the foot spa and my battery on my laptop is running low. Bottom line: Boobs lovely, but pricey to uphold. (‘Uphold’ – get it!)

PS That bathing suit am wearing? Bought it on the sale last year, even though it was too big for me. IT WAS MARKED AT 60% OFF!!! So obviously I had to buy it, even if it did gape so badly at top that my gap between my boobs and the lycra was big enough for a moderate sized cruise liner to sail through . But no longer! Thanks to 300cc of the best Eurosilicone $3000 can buy, I now amply fill my bargain buy bather. More upside!

 

Booby tip #34, #35, #36 and #37

I was going to do a blog post with tips and advice for those considering breast augmentation but there is so much advice out there on the Net already.

What I will do is share four tips with you:

#34 Don’t underestimate the recovery time. Give yourself at least a week off from any duties. Make sure you have help if you have kids.

#35 The anaesthetic makes you constipated. Prepare for that.

#36 Even if your husband was not a ‘boob man’ before the op, he will be afterwards. Prepare for that too.

#37 Use the ‘peg method’ (thanks Mom!) to stop your seat belt from rubbing against your sore boobies. The peg is strong enough to give the belt a tiny bit of slack, but weak enough to pop off if you need it to (i.e. accident).

And then some booby pics. 

A little 'before' reminder.....

And now for some 'after'.....

Aren't they looking perfectly lovely?  I think so. A little 'fake boob'ish' still, but they are only three weeks old after all.  Am v pleased indeed.

I LOVE MY BOOBS!

(Oh, and I had myself measured. I am either a 36C or a 34D, depending on the style. Impressive huh.)

 

Boobie Fest

Don't say I don't love you. It was minus 400 degrees here today and I took off all my clothes to take nekkid pics for YOU!

Goodness, after all the hype, I hope you aren't disappointed.  It is too early to tell what they will look like as they still have to 'drop and fluff', which is a technical term for settle in, I suppose.  I am certainly not disappointed, they have turned out exactly as I wanted them. Not too big yet big enough. I love my boobs and even though I totally and utterly underestimated the recovery process (it has really knocked me), I would do it again in a heartbeat.  My plastic surgeon has done a great job, I'm thrilled. I just should have taken at least a week off and not only two days. I am an asshole.  A perky asshole.

Quality of the pics is terrible, sorry. Plus the angle is crappy and doesn't show the new boobs off to their full potential. It is your fault. I wanted to wait until the weekend when Marko could take the pics, but you'll have to make do with these grainy images. (I've 'doctored' the image slightly to hide my tattoo that I have on my one boob. Somehow having my boobs easily ID'ed through the tattoo puts me off. Warped sense of modesty*. Don't mind my nekkid boobs being out on the net as long as they aren't easily identified as mine)

So, enough of the blah blah boobpaste - here are the pics, 2 weeks post surgery:

In the bikini

In the bra

And just in case you thought they didn't look that much bigger

Those are pretty big boobies there!  The bikini doesn't fit any more and doesn't do the boobs any justice. They look fantastic naked. But you'll just have to take my word for that.

* Ok, how ironic is this. I was busy typing up this post and for the life of me, I couldn't think of the word for 'modesty'.  I had to find someone reasonably intelligent online and ask them. Luckily Amy was online (as was L but she ignored me at first. She's like that, especially now that is all important and has a J O B. Cow.) I asked them "whats that word again, the one for when you are shy about nudity and stuff". Hahaha! That really amused me. That I couldn't think of the word. Modesty? What's that?  I said I would send them some link love for their impromptu Grammar 101 lesson.  Once you've finished ogling my breasts, go have a little squiz at their blogs.

Return to sender

I know I owe you pictures of my new boobs, and I will share them with you! Soon! (Even though Marko is trying to forbid me from showing all and sundry my new assets.) V hard not to lift my top up all the time. Am so thrilled with my new boobs. Can't wait to show you. I didn't want to post pictures too soon because they are still a little swollen and I don't want you all saying "OMG! Did you see the size of her tits!"  But the swelling is coming down nicely and they are looking fucking fabulous.  Pics soon! Maybe even tomorrow! In the meantime, at least if my boobs get lost, they have an ID tag with a return address. Handy, that.

Don't want it sore boobies

Adam's patience is wearing thin.  He instructed me this morning "want uppy Mama", to which I replied, for the 700th time, "I can't pick you up, Mommy has sore boobies".  He woefully replied, "don't want it sore boobies anymore".

Me neither, my son.

Actually, boobies feeling MUCH better.  As am I.  Day six is definitely a turn around day.  Love my boobs. Love! 

Came into the office today to show off my new boobs.  I kept going up to people and saying "notice any thing different about me", sticking my chest out and making exaggerated gesticulating motions towards my boobs.*  Everyone v excited. Kept having to remember Marko's strict instructions NOT to lift my top up and show everyone my boobs.  Damn tempting.  Obviously had to show one or two of my girlfriends, but no one else, promise!

Am off to the doc for another check up and to change dressing etc.  Have proper post to follow.

*Ha! As I was typing this another one of my girlfriends walked past. Made her feel my boobs. This is so much fun!!

More about the boobs

  Good. Glad you want to hear more about the boobs because I want to talk more about them!

Firstly, the turned out better than expected. I know they are still swollen and they will settle down, but I thought that because they were kind of sad to start off with that I wouldn't get that great results, but OH MY WORD, my new boobs rock.

Actually, they are like bloody rocks.  Rock hard.  That is from the swelling and once that subsides, they will soften up a lot. I know that, but at the moment my chest feels like I have an elephant sitting on it.  I feel tight.  And heavy. But damn gorgeous.  Can't WAIT to take some pics.  I might take some this weekend. Marko is v v impressed. And pleased.  And eager to unwrap his gift.

Worst part of the recovery (besides the pain and nausea)?  Not being able to sleep in any other position than on my back, supported by a million pillows; and not being to poop!  The pain meds give you constipation, which if you know me at all, will know THAT is a big thing in my life*. I hate being constipated.  I tried to go without the pain pills yesterday, but by last night I was really sore.  Bit like Sophie's choice:  no pain vs no poop.  Not an easy decision.

I have to admit that I totally underestimated the physical recovery process.  I have had lots of operations and procedures and pain doesn't worry me, so I thought I would be up and about within a day or so.  Asshole that I am.  It really has knocked me. I feel really tired and weak. But each day gets better and I feel stronger. But the kids! The kids exhaust me even when I am healthy, at the moment they are absolutely finishing me off. And of course, they totally feed off that and have impossible lately. Naughty!  Like you can't believe.  Kate is obstinate and contrary as hell, and Adam is wild, he is bouncing off the walls.  Sigh.

Rose has been an absolute star. A mother hen.  I honestly couldn't have done this without her.  She is doing all of her duties plus the stuff I normally do.  She keeps fussing over me and making me lie down and stuff. She is a way better nurse than I am. I could use some of her sympathy skills, for sure.

I am going to drive for the first time today. I have to. I have to escape for a bit. These children are diving me crazy. I might just park my car at the side of the road and have an hour or two of quiet time.  I don't know how you SAHM's do it.  Really.  I admire you so much.

If you see an extremely tired looking woman with extremely perky breasts slumped over her steering wheel, parked at the side of the road, please don't hoot. I am having a nap and I really need some peace and quiet. Just for a bit.

* Edited to add: Apparently poop stress runs in the family.

All's well

I'm very aware that some of you must be v tired of hearing about my boobs, don't want to bore you to booby death.

Just a quick update - had follow up appointment with PS today and all is on track.  Next appointment on Thurs to change dressing.

Am feeling ok'ish, just tired and a little nauseous. Must be from the meds.  A touch of the 'third day blues' (tired of feeling sore and tired), but still very happy with my boobs.  I think the PS has done a really good job. I asked him today why he had decided to go smaller than we originally discussed (I had given him permission to go up to 350cc) and he said that during surgery the 350cc looked too big and unnatural, so he went smaller (300cc), with a lower profile than expected.  Isn't that great?  He is such a good doctor.

I must say, the kids are being really good about being careful around me and not demanding 'uppy' all the time. They know I have an owie on my boobs and seem to accept that I can't pick them up.  At first Adam wanted to see the dressing all the time and Kate kept wanting to rub my boobs and kiss them better. But the novelty has worn off and now they just have to be reminded to be gentle around my chest.

And regarding the non-existent abs that I appear to have in the photos.... I know none of you will believe me, but I really, really do not have abs. I was sucking my tummy in, that is my ribcage you are seeing. I purposely cropped the pic just before the bulge. Remember, my body shape is 'olive-on-toothpick'.  I cropped the photo just above the olive part. But, thank you for the compliments, even if they aren't truly deserved!

Can't wait for the swelling to go down so that I can post proper 'before' and 'after' pics.

Home again, home again, jiggidity jugs

I guess I will have to go home today. Poor old Marko must be in a state of semi shock – TWO whole nights and TWO whole days of alone time with the kids. He will probably need a week’s leave after this. Not that Rose hasn’t been there, of course ;-)

But home I must. I miss the little buggers anyway. And Marko. Pity, because I have had a fabulous time here. My mom is seriously, THE best mother in the world. In fact my aunt (she of the vacuuming fame – cow) said yesterday that if she dies, she wants to come back as one of my mom’s daughters. We really are spoilt.

I am feeling ok. Still sore and fragile, but ok. A little stronger. The biggest bitch is trying to sleep. I am NOT a back sleeper and so I struggle to find a comfortable enough spot to sleep, even with a sleeping pill. And I still need someone to help me put the bra on and off and help me with lifting my arms.

 My mom helped me take the surgical bra off yesterday to have a bath – woot woot! Sexy mama!!! I know they are going to drop and settle etc, but I am so impressed with the results already. I can’t actually believe how well it came out. Yay! Took these pics with my phone this morning, looking good!  Well, beside that whole Marge Simpson hairdo, but you can't have everything now.  Actually, my mommy tied up my hair for me because I couldn't. Sweet.

(That is the surgical bra that you have to wear all the time for at least three weeks)

I have a follow up appointment with the PS tomorrow, so that he can check all is ok. Yay boobies!!!

Seriously guys, if any of you are looking for a plastic surgery safari experience in South Africa, this guy is the guy to go to.  Check out his website here for lots more info.

 

Quite at home

Thanks to Sister Mel for updating you all and being so restrained about posting all sorts of embarrassing things. She said it was v v tempting to put up nerdy old photos of myself and say all sorts of teasing things.

I must say, I totally underestimated the recovery thing. I am not sure what I was expecting, but not this much pain and debilitation. It is not over the top sore, but my damn aunt was vacuuming the next day after her BA and my SIL was doing star jumps or whatever it was she was doing. So I thought I would too. Not.

I woke up from surgery with a splitting headache, which gave me a huge fright. I was secretly paranoid I would die on the operating table. Just because there was so much fuss about me doing this and I could just imagine the martyred expressions of those who would say afterwards, ‘see, we told her not to and now look at what has happened’. But luckily I didn’t die. Am rather pleased about that. 

The pain is kind of bearable, just more than I expected. I know my sister had huge pain. That woman has given birth three times naturally, once with no pain relief, so she knows pain and she said BA was worse. But she went under the muscle. It is all my aunt’s fault though. Who the fuck vacuums the day after surgery? My aunts pain was obviously a 2 out of 10, my sisters was a 10 out of 10, and I am hovering somewhere around 6. I felt very nauseous the morning, but after a good puke, I feel better. Sorry if TMI. 

Ok, now on to the real exciting stuff – my boobs. They look FABULOUS!!! Even all swollen and sore, they look fabulous.  Way better than I thought. I know they will drop and settle, but right now, they look pretty damn good. 

I was surprised my doctor only put in 300cc. I had given him permission to go up to 350cc if he felt like it, but he said that 300cc looked perfect on me. 

Can’t wait to show you pics, but at the moment I am snuggly encased in a post surgery bra and there isn’t much to see. I have been trying to take pictures of my cleavage (I HAVE A CLEAVAGE!!!) but it comes out all dark and blurry. Soon my friends, soon I will share with you the wonder that is my rack. 

BTW, am having a great time at Mimi’s house. I thought I would rush home on Saturday, because I do miss my kids, and I worry that they are missing me, but apparently not. And anyway, do you know how long it has been since I’ve had my mother to myself, taking care of me, bathing me, feeding me, tucking me in? Since I was 2 and a half years old and that big-nosed sister of mine appeared on the scene. Since then it has gone downhill with the arrival of Diva Nina and Handsome Paul. And then the 700 grandkids. But last night and this morning it was just Mommy and me. Divine. 

This place is better than a hotel, I don’t think I am ever going home.