This is the last weekend in this house, by next weekend we will have moved into our new house. I feel really sad about it. Excited to move into the new house, but quite sad and emotional about moving.
Marko and I had this house built. We were pregnant with Luke and Ben, after many years of infertility and IVFs, and this house was to be our celebration of new life. While they were building it, we walked through the foundations and half built walls and fantasized where we would put the cots, the babies’ things etc.
And then Luke died, and I was hospitalized for five weeks trying to keep Ben inside. And then he was born and died 10 days later. I had to come home to a new home that was once so full of promise and now resonated with so much pain. Poor Marko had to do everything by himself, finish that whole house alone as I just couldn’t.
But then, our next IVF worked and suddenly the house was filled with (very cautious) hope again. And once the twins were born, they came home to this house. The first few weeks were damn tough, but they passed and things just got better and better. We had a jungle gym built, a play room and soon our home and garden were filled with toys, bikes and lots of laughter. This house had come to represent everything that was good and beautiful in my life and I never wanted to leave it. Perfect for an anti social being like myself! This house is my safe house, in so many ways. I almost too scared to change anything in case I upset this wonderful equilibrium I have created.
And now we are moving. I feel a little sad and anxious about it. Our new home is beautiful, and it will be a beautiful new chapter as a family of five, but I still feel sad. But, as I said, our new house is really lovely, a real grown up house. And it is just down the road from my mom. I should be happy. I am happy! I am just a little sad too.
There is a tree in the garden that was planted just after we moved in. A beautiful oak. It was planted in memory of Ben. It will be left behind. I know his memory comes with us, but I am sad to leave.
Sorry for the downer post. The hormones must be kicking in big time because I am feeling really weepy today :-( I am sure I will feel better tomorrow xxx