Every night I lie next to Max while he falls asleep*. (Top bed of double bunk, single mattress. Tiny!) After he falls asleep I gently excavate myself from under the duvet as not to wake him, carefully climb down from the top bunk and quietly leave his room. (Which sounds a lot more graceful than it is. I am more gangly giraffe than elegant elf. Picture a giraffe trying to quietly climb down from a top bunk without waking anyone. Awkward. Amusing. Gangly.) I know you are not supposed to do this (not sure why not?!), I know I ‘baby’ him too much especially seeing as he is five whole years old, but he is my last 'baby'. There are no more babies after this**. It is such a wonderful feeling when your busy little boy’s body goes limp with sleep next to yours. The love you feel for your child in that moment is almost indescribable. It is unspectacular, unseen moments like these that make realize how lucky I am to be a mother. And how fleeting these times are when our children are little and we can protect them from the world by holding them in our arms, literally and figuratively. I am feeling especially blessed tonight***
*This is what you miss out when you have twins. Having twins is wonderful and special and fantastic when they are older, but I really do believe that twin babies (especially twin newborns) is not ideal for either the mom or the babies. You miss out on that very special time when it is just you and the (one) baby. Holding your baby in your arms, staring into each other eyes. Intense, uninterrupted connection. They miss out on that too. Because there is always someone who is waiting to be fed / picked up / held etc. Maybe other twin moms did it better than I did, but I couldn’t manage that special one on one time when I had twin newborns. Whenever I had one in my arms, I felt guilty about the other one that wasn’t in my arms. I have really treasured these moments with Max. (Although, I LOVE having twins now as they have a 24/7 built in playdate. I wish Max had a twin to play with so that the playdate duty wouldn’t be mine!)
**As loving as I am feeling tonight, may I just say HALLELUJAH and praisethelord for that fact. NO MORE CHILDREN FOR ME. Three is my number. I am full up. Done. Neither my head nor my heart (or my bank balance / sanity / life) could cope with any more children.
***The loving feeling I am feeling right now might or might not have something to do with the two glasses of wine I have had + the fact that all my children are asleep + knowing it is Monday tomorrow and said children plus 1x husband will be at school and work tomorrow thereby allowing me to spend some quality time with myself. Yay!
Late update: Slight amendment to loving feeling. 1. One of aforementioned children got out of bed as they needed a number two. Which shouldn’t affect me and yet it does, because GO TO SLEEP! 2. Also, husband asleep already and SNORING. Loudly. Both of which have slight dampening effect on loving feeling. Will soldier on regardless.