Well, technically it was two days ago but it has taken me that long to find five minutes to write this down.
Firstly let me tell you how my day started off: A week ago my mom went for her first big scan since her cancer diagnosis a year ago. Once you have had cancer, you never take anything for granted again. There is no happy oblivion. At best you get the happy, at worst.... well, the worst is really, really bad. So when you go for these check ups and milestone markers, you get bloody nervous. In fact, if you are the daughter, son or husband of the person who had cancer, you get so nervous you feel like your head is going to explode.
My mom's scan revealed a few cysts on her liver as well as dark spot (mass?) between the kidney and the pelvic wall. Now when you have had cancer, the very VERY last thing you want to see is a lump, bump, mass or cyst. In fact, you want to see nothing other than smooth tissue. The oncologist said he wasn't worried (a statement that was extremely comforting as he is a very straightforward guy) but just to give us peace of mind, he wanted her to go for a CT scan / MRI to get a good look at the cysts and the mass.
You can imagine how anxious (terrified) we have all been leading up to the MRI. Even though the doctor had said he wasn't worried, by the night before the scan I was so flipping anxious, I could hardly breathe. After the scan, my father, mother and I waited in the waiting room. My father was absolutely finished, he couldn't even hide his fear. I was like a tightly wound spring. And there my poor mother was, cheering US up. Telling us stories about all sorts of things to take our mind off the news we were about to get. I was bursting to pee but I was too scared they would call my parents in before I got back and I wouldn't be able to see his face to read his expression the minute we walked in. I was also so scared he would have to give the bad news and I wouldn't be there to support my parents.
The first thing he said when we walked in was "it is good news!" There is no cancer!!!!!! Apparently cysts on the liver and kidney are very common (up to 50% of people have them) and unless they get very big and cause pain, they are fine. The 'mass' between the kidney and the pelvic wall was a double shadow from her right kidney. Apparently my mother was born with a very low lying kidney and the shadow from the kidney is what raised the concern. (damn that droopy kidney, scaring us all shitless!)
I felt like jumping up and shouting with joy at the top of my lungs. It was close to the best moment of my life. It is only when we got the good news did I realize how flipping scared we all were. My poor father. He had to go lie down afterwards, he was literally sick with worry about my mom.
Anyway, AWESOME news!!!!! There is no cancer and my mom is clean. We know that out of all the cancers, ovarian cancer is the hardest to say 'you are totally cured', but we are not even going to go there - my mom is clean of cancer and that is the best news ever - woohoo!
Now on to my brave thing - guess what I did on Tuesday? I RESIGNED!! That's right, I quit my day job. This is HUGE for me, as I am very risk averse. But I need to believe that my own business will succeed (it is already very successful) and I also need to be able to dedicate my full attention and energy on it.
Who knows how this might turn out. It is a risky move, especially when the world is only now starting to pick up the pieces after the worldwide economic crisis. It is scary in a country with such high levels of employment. It is scary full stop. But it also feels so right.
I am a little (actually very) sad to leave IBM. I have loved working for them and with the people I worked with, I am going to miss them. IBM is an amazing company to work for and they have treated me exceptionally well. I learnt so much through them and I have the greatest respect for them and especially for my boss but it is time to take the next step in my life.
So, in a month's time I will be without formal employment for the first time in my (very long) adult life. SO BRAVE! I can't tell you how good I feel about this, I feel so strong and brave and free and liberated. I am SO proud of me!
PS I am so very, very grateful to my husband for supporting me in my decision to leave formal employment and go full time into my own business. I would never be able to do it without his support. I am rather fond of him.
PPS And of course, a big thank you to Rose without whom I wouldn't be able to do a single thing during the day.