So Close

A bit of this, a bit of that, but luckily none of THAT!

Well, it looks like I might have finally hit the jackpot with a child who actually LISTENS to his mother (total hit and miss with the other two who don't listen AT ALL).  Poor Maxie boy has been very obedient so far.

First I begged him to say in past 30w so make it past the early preemie stage, then just long enough for me to complete the move into our new house.  Then just a few days longer, until I had settled the kids in the new house.  Then, just 3 more days while I got my bits waxed, my feet pedicured and my roots done (BTW, have dyed my hair one colour again, those roots were killing me).  Then, the final wait was just until after my father's surprise 60th birthday party last night that my sisters and I had organized.  And he listened! It was touch and go last night, I was convinced he was going to make his arrival, as did everyone else there who gave me a very wide berth every time I swaddled past.  I am 37w1 day today, yay! Good boy.  Here, have a chocolate that I shall kindly eat on your behalf.

Last night was a HUGE success.  It took us 40 years, but we got him!!  We got my dad!  For my entire life, my father has been able to guess what we had bought him for his birthday or Christmas.  In hindsight, distinguishing the difference between soap-on-a-rope or yes another pair of socks couldn't have been too difficult, but we used to go to great lengths to try and 'surprise' him every year. And never succeeded. 

But we got him last night!  He had NO idea.  My siblings and I had booked a night away for him and my mom for his 60th birthday (yes, my dad is only 60.  He got married at 18, and had me at 19. And is even more in love with my mom today, 41 years later, than he was then. Its a beautiful love story).  We had booked a beautiful (upgraded to VIP) room and a breakfast and told him that dinner was included.  At first he didn't want to go!  Him and I are a lot alike, we LOVE being at home.  But thank goodness, my mother convinced him he had to go because his children had arranged this night away for him.

In the meantime, we organized that a few of his close friends and of course us were at the restaurant 30 minutes before.  We then sent a text msg to my mom to say 'come down' and as he walked in we all went 'SURPRISE', and he was!  Surprised!  It took us 40 years, but we got him!  He genuinely did not know.  You have no idea how happy that made Nina, Mel and I.  Paul wasn't there as he couldn't come home from London.  But YAY!!!!  I am sure Sister Mel will post pictures on her blog, I don't have any yet.

So, happy birthday my darling Dad, I love you more than words can ever express.  I hope you enjoyed yourself last night.  WE GOT YOU!

Lastly, I was busy cleaning up my inbox this morning, and I had to smile at the three emails next to one another in my inbox, such a good synopsis of my reproductive life in three lines:
 
The first one is a email from a Parents Via Egg Donor list I have belonged to for many years. When I was trying to conceive, I was seriously considering using an egg donor and the woman on this list taught me so many things.  They are the most wonderful, intelligent, caring people ever.  I think they instilled the seed that would eventually become my wonderful business, Nurture. 

Next is the Preemies for Africa list that I joined after Ben was born, desperate for some support and hope.  After he died, I became a support person for other preemie moms who lost their children. Now I just read the notes occasionally.

Then, an email group I joined after the twins were born, not ever knowing that I might to brush up on these tips and advice again four years later!

Funny.  Made me smile.  How my life has changed over the last 10 years.

PS the Bag is packed. I am ready. Not that he should come now, but if he does, the bag is packed and ready.

Probably sooner rather than later

Well, it looks like I am forced to take it easy, or else.  My cervix has shortened from 3.5cm two weeks ago to 1.5cm today.  My gynae and I feel baby Max is probably going to come sooner rather than later.  I am going to do my best to keep him in (I wont be driving much anymore, no lifting or moving things etc), but if he does come now, I am ready.  Here we go!

Hunkering down

Well, here I am. Still here but suffering from a chronic case of porridge brain.  I have SO much on the go that my brain is just shutting down.  I had a meeting yesterday and drove to the completely wrong place.  The day before, I drove to my old house twice.  However, it was the incident yesterday afternoon that made me realize I *have* to slow down.

I was pulled over by the cops yesterday.  I was driving to my shrink appointment, and I saw blue lights flashing behind me.  So I pulled over to let the cops past, as one does. Except the officer flashed his lights at me and gesticulated wildly - 'pull over lady'.  Huh? Maybe something fell off my car?

I pulled over and rolled my window down.  "Drivers license please". Showed him my license.  "Lady, do you know you were speeding? Where are you going to in such a hurry?"  Now this is a normal police man, not a traffic cop.  Why on earth was he pulling me over.

Me:  I was speeding? Sorry, I didn't even notice
Officer:  You were speeding down the road, then you overtook a car on the solid barrier line and then two seconds later overtook another car. What is going on with you?
Me:  Pointing at my enormous belly  This is going on with me, this baby is sucking all the blood from my brain! I am really sorry, I didn't even notice I overtook the car.
Officer:  Pointing accusingly at rather forlorn looking car chugging past two minutes later There! That is the car you just overtook, he had to swerve out to avoid you.
Me:  I am really sorry, I honestly didn't even know I did that
Officer: Lady, you need to go home and lie down.  I don't think you should be driving.

And it was true! I honestly did not remember doing that.  My mind was a total blank.  I told my shrink about it, and she said I am running on full on anxiety. And I am.  It is like I have a million things to do, and I am pushing myself to the limit. My mind is just shutting down. And now my body has too :-(  I am getting a horrible cold. 

I don't know why, but I have this compulsion to get every thing ready for Max's arrival. I have this thing in my head, that everything needs to be ready and prepared.  I think it was because I was so mentally and emotionally ill prepared for the newborn stage with the twins, that I am terrified of being in that scary place again. And I feel as if I will only cope if I have all my 'stuff' ready.

And that stupid 'bag', that hospital / baby bag, has become symbolic of my preparedness.  I never had a bag before, but now it feels as if unless I have this bloody bag ready, I wont be ready. And it is not as simple as throwing a few things in the bag, the bag is bigger than that. The 'bag' is making sure all his clothes are washed three times, and ironed. And then packed in his cupboard and some in the bag. That all his bottles are sterilized. That I have nappies, wipes, towels and blankets.  My logical brain knows that all of this is symbolic, and has nothing to do with how easy / hard / whatever it will be when he arrives, but my inner psyche can't let go of it. And I am not going to try fight it. I will get the bloody 'bag' ready. It is almost ready.

I have this strong, deep urge to hunker down, to prepared myself for the onslaught of the first few weeks.  My logical mind keeps telling me that it wont be as bad as it was, that one is easier than two, that I am an experienced mother now, but those first few weeks with A&K really affected me deeply.  I am driving myself crazy.

Please don't tell me to just relax, or don't stress. Believe me, I would if I could.  I can't. Instead what I am doing, is going about this in the only way I know how. By preparing my world around me to give myself some semblance of control and comfort.  If things are way, way better than what I fear, then I will be in for a very pleasant surprise. If they are as tough as I remember, at least this time I will be prepared. I will have packed my symbolic bag. 

My very own book shower

I am sure you all know her by now, but in case you didn't, Melissa is THE Queen of all Infertiles - she is one of the most knowledgeable people in the land of infertility and runs a blog that aggregates lots and lots of other infertility bloggers. A really switched on girl who has v v kindly offered to host a book shower for my book, YAY!

On Monday morning, American time (which I think converts to Christmas 2008 in South Africa), she will post a list of names of the wonderful, kind and exceptionally good looking folk who bought a copy of my book with their own hard earned $$$ and kindly offered to review my book on their blogs. EEEEKK!!  Some potentially critical feedback on my book - my sphincter is clenching.  It's never easy to hear critique on something so personal.  I could never be an artist or something like that, I would cry if someone didn't like my painting. Not that it means you shouldn't be honest in your feedback about my book! 

Please pop over to Mel's blog and click on each of the names of the reviews to read what they thought about my book.

Oh, and while you are at it - Mel has written her own book, a fantastic guide on navigating the land of infertility.  Why not buy both our books together, they go so nicely together ;-)

Thanks Mel, for the book shower and for always flying the flag high for us IF gals. xxxx

Hostage to the Hormones

Apart from that whole infertility / crappy eggs / miscarriage thing, the good thing about having PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) is that I seldom get my periods.  Only a few times a year.  Which means that I very rarely suffer from PMS. I get perhaps an afternoon of either wanting to kill my husband, or wanting to weep at anything / everything.  Which could, or could not be related to the PMS, but I hardly 'suffer' from PMS at all. However, I have seen it affect people close to me, and it sucks.

My best friend (Friend Mel) and my sister (Sister Mel) both suffer terribly from PMS, as in very, very bad.  I can see they are not making this stuff up as they go from normal, skippy, happy to almost suicidal.  I feel really sorry for both of them, it must be terrible to suffer like that.

Apart from the lack of PMS, I was also really fortunate not to suffer from the affects of the fertility hormones.  I never went completely crazy on them, no Wicked Witch behaviour from me.  And in my six previous pregnancies, I was lucky enough to escape the Hormone Monster as well.

Well, have things changed this time around. This time around, I get a taste of what it must be like for those who suffer from PMS / hormone thingies.  And honestly? I feel incredibly sorry for you, because this sucks donkey's balls.

I am both amazed and horrified at how hormonal I am, seriously.  Today I wept and wept because Marko hadn't fixed Max's room yet, and clearly no one cared about me or Max and for all they cared, I could go into labour this very minute and have NOTHING ready*.  I felt desperately sorry for myself and had to go lie down on my bed for a bit as I was so upset.  PATHETIC!  I dont recognize myself. In fact, as I am having my meltdown / temper tantrum, I have an almost 'out of body' experience.  I can see and hear how absolutley over the top I am being, but I have no way of stopping myself. It's actually really scary.  I honestly don't recognize myself.

I am shitting myself for when Max arrives (I haven't forgotten how scary newborns are), but honestly, I am not sure I can live with myself much longer.  Deeply asshole'ish behaviour in the extreme.

* Everyone keeps asking me if my bag is packed and ready to go to the hospital, which is freaking me out because the answer is a definite no!  Firstly, I dont have a bag. Secondly, I am currently using / wearning all the things (PJs etc) I need for hospital and lastly, Max's things (nappies, bottles etc) are all still in boxes. I am starting to panic. In fact, I will get this sorted out tomorrow. Fuck. Back sore! This is how labour started last time. I CAN'T GO INTO LABOUR NOW, I DON'T HAVE MY BAG PACKED! 

It's hard work being this high maintenance. 

All still in

Well, we are about 70% unpacked, which isn't too bad at all.  Marko has been an absolute star and as soon as I can, I will reward him appropriately.  He might however have to wait a while for that.

I am 36w pregnant today.  What a mind blowing achievement.  For me. Not for normal people.  This is the day I went into labour with A & K, so if I last longer than today, it will be the longest I have ever been pregnant, cool huh.

Poor Katie E E is not feeling well.  Horrible barking cough. On a Saturday.  You know what that means:  no regular hours for my paed and certainly no regular charge. Ouch.  But I am not one of those mothers who wait it out. I am more one of those mothers who rush to her paed for 'just in case'.  I've learnt this about myself - I know the price of my own peace of mind, and to be honest, there isn't much I wont pay to get it. 

Oh, I remember why I posted. Besides to say hello of course. Our new house has zero bathroom accessories.  The owners took everything with them, however they very kindly left us a toilet roll holder.  I would like to have a few bathroom accessories made in a similar look - does anyone know of someone in Cape Town who does custom bathroom accessories in this 'vintage' look type of metal?

PS I will take pics as soon as we get a little more organized. The house is really gorgeous and I dont want to show you pics until things look a bit more organized.

PPS  I've had a super dooper FANTASTIC jungle gym made for the kids.  Cost an absolute fortune, but they are going to love it when it is done.  It is 3/4 finished, so perhaps pics later of that.