Super Sensitive Anxiety Antennae

Everyone gets a little anxious now and then, even the most laid back of folk (oh, how I envy those types), but for some of us, our anxiety antennae is always turned on to Super Sensitive – Highly Receptive.

How to describe it to those who don’t suffer from anxiety….

Ok, you know that feeling you get when you go over a dip in the road?  Or when you are on a roller coaster and it dips suddenly?  Your tummy does a flip flop and drops to the bottom of your body and your heart starts racing. Adrenalin rushes through your body, much like the ‘fight / flight’ response that all humans are programmed to have. 

For most people, once this physical chain of events / feelings happen, it quickly passes by and you return to a state of equilibrium – normal, aware, but without the heightened state.  Which is just as well because staying in that heightened state is exhausting!  Imagine having your tummy in your shoes, your heart racing and adrenalin rushing through your body all the time!

Well, that is what it feels like for anxious types. And yes, it is exhausting. 

I don’t suffer from panic attacks, thank goodness. And my anxiety is not debilitating, but it is exhausting at times.  Most of the time, I like being slightly on edge, I like the buzz – I get a huge amount of stuff done. It is how I manage to do two jobs, write, kids, etc etc.  I like living on the adrenalin, but if I don’t be careful, it gets too much for me. And then my anxiety antennae gets stuck on Super Sensitive.

I’ll give you an example. I listen to the radio, and I hear the presenters talking about the soccer world cup, the 2010 event that South Africa is hosting.  There seems to be a general fear among some in SA that we won’t be ready in time.  Now, some people might listen to this and think ‘who cares’, others might listen to it and think ‘oh shit, that wont be good’.  Still others might stress a little about it, you know, get that little adrenalin surge for a few seconds.  Like me. Except that my surge doesn’t subside.  I start feeling a little anxious. I don’t fret about the stupid World Cup, but the physical side effects of the surge don’t abate.  The anxiety meter rises.  Over the bloody soccer world cup!!!  I don’t even like soccer! 

Then, a car might cut in front of me, nothing serious, but I get another little surge.

Then I look at my inbox and see I have 40 unread emails, and I get more surge.

Then I think about all the people who have emailed me and are waiting for a reply and now must think I don’t like them, and imagine how hurt they must be feeling, they reached out to me and I didn’t even bother responding, and I get more surge.

The news comes on the radio about a child who was abused, I try frantically to switch the radio off because kid stories make my anxiety meter explode, but I am too late, the image is burnt into my conscious.  HUGE SURGE.

And on and on it goes.  It is exhausting! And of course, the more anxious I get, the more my sensory stuff goes ape shit.  I become even more sensitive to noises, heat, textures. By the end of the day my nerves are frazzled. 

Some days are better than others. Actually, most days are good. 90% of the time, I am on the right side of the edge – buzzing, but not strung out.  I am on an excellent AD that helps with anxiety, I am quite revolting when I am not on them. But still, there are some days I am baaaad.  A bit like today.

I wish I could switch it off. Try yoga you say. Try meditation you suggest.  All that relaxing makes me extremely anxious!  THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO!!! THERE IS NO TIME TO BE SITTING AROUND GOING UHHMMMMM. 

Work doesn’t help of course, that adds HUGELY to my anxiety, but at the same time, I love it so much, I don’t think I could ever give it up.  It feeds both parts of me – the good and the bad.

I can feel when it gets too much though.  And then I force myself to step away from what ever I am doing.  And even though my kids can drive me CRAZY sometimes, they are also such a good tonic for me.  I shut my laptop and we all get in the car and go to the park. Or the library. Or anywhere actually.  They force me to stop the world around me and focus just on their simple joy.

Please don’t tell me to ‘just relax’ or to stop being so anxious because it is bad for me / the baby / my kids / my health etc. I know all of that and it just makes me more anxious.  Being anxious is not like smoking, or thinking negative thoughts or picking at a scab. It isn’t something I choose to do, and it isn’t something I can just talk myself out of. I wish I could!  It is something that is chemical, it is something in my make up.  Sure, there is a large mental component, which is why I also go see my absolutely gorgeous and divine shrink, who is the cleverest person alive.  But some people are just wired differently, and I am one of those people.

There are good sides to having a Super Sensitive Anxiety Antennae – I am a lot more sensitive to other people’s feelings, I care deeply (too deeply) about other people, and as I said, most of the time I like it. I like the buzz, the edge.  I like operating at a hundred miles an hour. I detest sitting around doing nothing.  In fact, I suck at sitting around doing nothing, which is why my laptop / cell phone / blackberry are always with me. 

But there are times when even I have to admit that I need to stop, take a deep breath, compose myself and then only carry on.  I can only do so much, I can only care so much about other people / things / emails / jobs / soccer events.  Sometimes I need to just stop the world and get off for a little bit.  And yes, when I do decide to get off, I am not allowed to take my laptop / my cell phone / my Blackberry etc with me. Damn!

Anyway, no real point to this post. Just wanted to share.  (getting bored with this topic now, need to do something else ;-))

Edited to add:  After waking up feeling particularly edgy today, I decided to pop two Rescue Remedy pills and went for a massage. WELLLLLL, I think I have found my cure!  I even fell asleep towards the end!  De-effing-licious. Am thinking about leaving husband for massage therapist. 

(Was tempted to take my laptop with me to massage appointment, thinking ‘can’t waste an hour’ but thought it might be counter productive to have laptop open while getting massaged.  Glad I didn’t.  I do however, take my laptop with me when getting hair done, having a pedi etc. Love that laptop. If I don't marry massage therapist, might marry laptop. Will be tough call between the two. Marko who?)

PS Dad, if you read this, I am fine, promise! (my dad has just started reading my blog, five years after I started writing.  The poor man is not used to reading about my slightly insane side ;-))

Comments

[beyond]

isn't rescue remedy the greatest? i am not an overly anxious person however some things make me a tense, of course. i took some drops before my flight last week and it really helped. glad you were able to enjoy the massage.

[Jude]

You call them Rescue Remedy 'pills'. We only either get the drops, the spray or the pastilles in the US. Are the pastilles what you take? I have only gotten the spray but I'm not fond of the alcohol after-taste. Thanks!

[Wenchy]

You sound allot like me.

[Andrea]

No "just relax" from me, or "it's not good for x, y, z" from me, just... I know. I understand. Me too. I'm wired somewhat that way, and there's not a lot you can do about it, is there? You learn to live with it and make it work for you, but you can't prevent its negative effects 100% of the time. I must investigate this Rescue Remedy!

[Jeannie]

You always have a way of describing how things feel in exactly the right way.

You have just described the way that I felt through both of my pregnancies, and the way that I feel a lot of the time lately. I was diagnosed during my twin pregnancy with depression, and put on medication that didn't help much, but later my doctor said she thinks I had more of an anxiety disorder than depression.

And with the global economic crisis, and the state of my finances, I am starting to feel that constant anxiety again. My anxiety levels are getting to where they no longer lead to productivity, but paralysis.

I think I need drugs, but the thought of taking steps makes me too anxious!! Oh, dear. (And I'm not kidding.)

I must try this rescue remedy stuff of which you talk.

[Kristin]

{{{Hugs}}}

[Jess]

Here's a laugh for you: I get anxious when I get post that has a hand-written address on it. Most people would think it's a letter from a long lost friend or a wedding invitation. Me? I think it's going to be bad news, someone died, someone hates me and couldn't tell me to my face. How ridiculous is that?!?!?!

[furiousBall]

i've never heard of the rescue remedy pills - neato. as a sufferer of depression, i feel your pain.

[lolismum]

I am one of those types as well. I have always been the "anxious surge" type. I hide it very well, and I also am quite productive because of it, but it is immensely exhausting.

[Lisa S.]

I have anxiety issues too... never knew until I had my first child and the loss of control just about threw me over the edge. ADs help a lot although a lot of the time - even when I'm not thinking anxious thuoghts - I will realize that I'm holding my breath, or walking really really fast, or tensing up my shoulders for no reason, etc. Underlying anxiety. Aint' it fun?

I do think yoga makes a huge diff though. I started teaching last year and I feel the results even after teaching (not just participating in) practice. It trains you to slow down your mind and stay in the moment. Think of it this way, it's accomplishing something (a workout) at the same time!!

[kathleen999]

Sounds like me if I drink too much coffee! Hate that feeling. You have my sympathy. But I agree on the massages.

[t]

As a massage therapist I have had clients come in and ask to use their blackberrys while getting worked on, people also try to have work conversations on cell phones while getting massaged, finally I said ENOUGH and put up a sign that says LOW TECH ZONE, and bans all "work" from being done while getting massaged! Giving a massage is extremely hard work physically and people should at least chill out for an hours and appreciate the effort. I would have totally laughed if someone brought in a laptop to use. I am glad you got a good session!

[AmyM]

I used to be like that, constantly living in an anxious state, very tiring. I always had a low level anxiety and then when something happened I'd get the exact surge you talk about. Then later, I'd be sitting there with that surge wondering where it came from.

The truth is, it is a choice, albiet a ingrained habit that seems impossible to live with but impossible to get rid of. The other truth, when we stop feeling anxious, we start feeling anxious for not feeling anxious. Oy, what a circle.

Some of it is counseling. Looking at where issues come from. A large part of it is when you feel the surge, trace it back and acknowledge where it started and if it's truly worth the anxiety. The next step is to change the tape in your head, the one you probably play over and over again without realizing it, very negative usually.

Literally, write yourself a positive mantra paragraph and memorize it. Basically, when you're doing something mindless, or at various times during the day, repeat it over and over again. First thing in the morning sets a tone for the day, last thing at night supposedly affects your life going forward. When you start to recognize the negative tape playing, stop it. You'll get better at it the more you do it.

It isn't easy to do, and as I said, when it goes, you freak out a bit. And pretty soon, you can see anxiety headed your way and stop it before it hits your or shortly thereafter. And, eventually you'll get to a place where you never feel anxious again, and when you do, THAT feeling makes you almost physically ill and really upsets your equalibrium.

You may feel the anxiety is keeping you energized, but the truth is, it is taking energy away and you'll have tons more energy if you let it go. It's not easy and it takes time, but the key is to change the tap in your head with only positive thoughts. You cannot say, I will not be anxious or I am not anxious. Instead, you'd say things like I am calm, cool, easy going, etc. Throw in some I love you's and other nice things about yourself - that's also a big part of it.

Sorry for the soap box, but I was exactly like you and thought it too was my physical make-up and I was able to change.

[Rosie]

I have anxiety issues and have to avoid triggers if I want to lead a productive life. My triggers? Anything related to end of the world/fall of society scenarios. Weird, right? I didn't sleep for days when they were about to run that atom smasher thing. The universe is expanding faster than we thought!!! OMG!!! The Mayan calendar??? Don't get me started. I have to be very self-modulating when it comes to controlling my urge to google such things otherwise I am an emotional wreck who does nothing but cry, hug her children, and stock up on non-perishables. In case we survive the black hole.

I KNOW!!!!

[Kathy B.]

Won't tell you to "just relax"

I would suggest, though, that you do take more "me" time. Massage once a month? HELL YES, worth every penny. Also, leave the laptop at home (or in the car) when getting mani/pedi and hair done. (Can't tell you to leave cell phone though -- but don't answer it unless it is Rose, Marko or whomever is watching the kids; everyone else can wait.)

[kate]

Surge! I'm all the about the surge too. Although it is nice to have those moments, like playing with your kids or going for a massage. For me, Pilates and Yoga help me lower my super sensitive antennae. Even so, there are some days it's hard to control. Like today for example, when I finally received an email from a friend who has been going though a lot lately and hadn't returned my phone calls or emails in over 10 days. I really thought she de-friended me. Of course that wasn't the case at all. I just read into it too much, got an overly sensitive surge and practically got to tears when I finally spoke to her on the phone. Whoa! I know our hormones play a big part of this too. Thanks for the reminder on Rescue remedy. It seems to be a remedy that many South Africans use. Here in the states, you see Rescue Remedy available in our natural food and wellness stores. I know Whole Foods market carries it for those who would like to find it here in the US. Such a fab grocery store (unfortunately a tad on the expensive side).

[Heather]

Soundslike me. I have been this way my whole life, as far as I can remember. As early as 3 or 4, I remember waking upin the middle of the night an tidying my room because I couldn't sleep over it. I have had to limit my intake ofthe news, because sometimes, I simply can't stay focused on the here and now when there s so much going on in the world.
For the most part, my own version of the happy-clappy medium has helped, my own take on faith. I am able to calm myself, remember that this too shall pass- look at all of the things that have worked out in the past.....but you know, lately, I am thinking I may have to go test out one of those massages too...being pregnant with my third while my husband is away, thereis no end of hings to go wrong or to get myself all worked up over.

[Lisa]

Wow I feel like you were writing about me! I am an overachiever and a perfectionist. My job is high stress (I work in TV) and can sometimes feel all-consuming. (I get business calls at 2 a.m. sometimes and I wake up for work at 4:30 a.m.)

Anyway, normally I am always a bit on edge, like you described, and it helps me to be really productive, but if I have anything to REALLY worry about? Holy christ I can't deal. Basically the biggest issue is that whenever I have a fight with my fiance or a disagreement with a coworker (in my high stress workplace it happens rather frequently) I can't sleep. Like at all. My fiance and I broke up for two months a few years back and I slept on average four hours or less for two months. It's like once my brain starts thinking about something worrisome, no matter what I do I can't "turn it off."

It REALLY bugs me when family/friends tell me to "just relax" because at the moment I always feel like I'm in a life-altering crisis, and my response is, "How can I relax when the sky is falling?" Of course, the sky is usually not falling, it just *feels* that way. Anyway, I can truly relate to this post.

[Lisa]

I just ordered some Rescue Remedy online! Going to give it a try. :)

[Gaby Banana]

Your words speak directly to me. Just tonight I had a bit of a breakdown in front of my husband over this very same feeling. I tried to describe it as a constant buzzing that gets overwhelmingly loud at times. I'd try massages and/or yoga, but then I fear I'd just stress about the cost. Sigh. Can't win for losing. Thank you for writing about it in a way that makes me feel like I'm not so crazy. Best of luck to you.

[HeatherG]

I had similar anxiety for years but unlike you sometimes it got too bad to convert into activity and results. Since taking up running (30 mins 3 times a week) it has pretty much gone. I'm a religous zealot for the mood evening powers of exercise.

['wishIknew']

Tertia,

Good points about time outside or with the kids, etc.
I have found myself stuck in a worry spiral/cycle and found if I can just find a way to jolt myself away from it for a time, it's lost a lot of it's power when it comes back up. It's hard to get away from it when it seems all encompassing. But even just remembering we need to break away is key.

One other thing is I have found sometimes eating something especially high in the amino acid tryptophan (which is used to make serotonin) can help.
http://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=nutrient&dbid=103
I find something with cheese helps me.

Three really deep breaths in and out (long exhale) in a row can make a dent too. You don't have to stop what you are doing to take some deep breaths - they work in the car, in front of the computer, etc.

I need to remember my own advice - thanks for reminding me ;-)
'wishIknew'

[Adel]

Know the feeling - I also sometimes get this!

Good luck.

[RocketGrl]

You sound just like me. I love organizing and solving issues, but in my line of work, production support takes me from buzzed to over the edge in anxiety very quickly. I take AD and love rescue remedy. Two other products that help a lot are B complex vitamins after lunch and Hyland's "Nerve Tonic" (http://www.hylands.com/products/nervetonic.php).

[ruth]

my mum has just turned 75, and is one of the most anxious people i have ever known. super involved in other people's lives, helping out, supporting yaddi yaddi yah dah, but MAN, is she exhausting and unpleasant to be around. she is (and always has) constantly looking at all the dangers and terrors in the world, and i find it gets me down - as in, i know they are there, but do i need to THINK about them? other family members feel the same, and we struggle to be close to her when she is so wearing on the soul.

however, i also had anxiety problems for years - having a mum like that + a horrendously violent childhood + a violent marriage + plus losing a child through sids and a few miscarriages = yep, for me, anxiety, to the point where i was hospitalised a few times in my late 20's with suspected heart problems, and i was only having massive panic attacks (i say 'only' now, but they were debilitating at the time, and terrifying). waking at 3am on a regular basis, if i was able to sleep at all, talking too much, doing too much, THINKING too much. never being able to turn my mind off, and oh the fantasies of all the disasters that might befall me and my family. exhausting. in the end, i burnt out.

i no longer have the problem, after going through a long re-training period, finding a way fo doing it that was right for me, where i learned so much about anxiety, its triggers, its potential for health damage, and worst of all - its seductiveness.

what do i mean by that? i mean its ability to woo us into feeling that we are somehow in control of what happens, to kid us into believing that we might be able to manage anything and everything that comes our way. and that is an illusion. a complete illusion.

i also did a little equation, working out how many things i had worried about throughout my life, the debilitating side effects of that actual anxiety, the impact on my social life - my health - my sanity, and then adding up all the things that had ACTUALLY happened . . . then i decided that i had wasted too many seconds, minutes, days months - YEARS - on things that may never happen.

all that psychic energy on crap that NEVER HAPPENED. of course, some of it did. but only a teeny weeny percentage of it. and those, the miscarriages, and the loss of my baby daughter, were BEYOND MY CONTROL. all the angst in the world would not have saved them. and it was foolish and a big fat waste of time even imagining that i could have stopped it happening.

so for me, its not about the 'risks' of being anxious that you mention above. its about me being to bloody minded to waste any more of my precious precious life on things that i can't even control, and to focus on the places where my energy will be productive. its not denial, as in i am all too aware of the fragility of life, and the brevity of our time here. i am a finite being, as are all those people i love so dearly. but i am buggered if i will waste those priceless moments in time that i CAN have with them on stupid senseless anxiety.

its worth a count up you know, all those things you worry about, how much time and energy you spend on angsting, and how much of it actually happens. is it worth the effort?

on a different note, if you want the BOMB as far as anti-anxiety supplements go - i can recommend a couple that have made huge huge HUGE differences for some of my family . . . a product called RestEZ - which will give you the deep deep sleep you need without the drug-induced side effects, and Luminex, the perfect anti-anxiety/anti-depression supplement. if you figure that you dont want to give away your precious time and energy in the pursuit of useless anxieties, then these are for you . . . they are available at www.melaleuca.com . . . fantastic, natural, and offering a peaceful calm mind and body without one word of OOOHHHHM or a yoga position in sight. you can even order them off the internet, so your laptop CAN help you to relax!!!

for me, taking restEZ gifts me with a deep calm gentle sleep, and a calm and peaceful day afterward because my mind and body have actually rested. that impacts all of my relationships, sex life, and everyday activities. i am more productive, because i dont have to focus on time-wasting crappola. for my sister, a chronic anxiety sufferer for years, luminex means that she in once again able to laugh out loud, and not to have to spend her days stressing over the uncontrollable. magic quality of life, for however long we are blessed with the ability to live it. i highly highly recommend it.

[emilyinpdx]

thanks for the nice plug for massage therapists,,, we do appreciate it !!

[Sister Mel]

Clearly a family thing. I do think hormones exacerbate the problem as I am worse when I am PMS... all 10 days of it. Maybe pregger hormones making it worse?
I also love the rush of being anxious and operating at fast speed, and the thin thing.... eat, eat, eat and the anxiety chows all the food. I don't like the breathlessness though and when its out of control and borders on panic.

[I]

Tersh, my darling,
You are right this is chemical and as "wish I knew" commented manageable with diet. Seriously, if you don;t like the slightly out of control feeling, see a good nutritional therapist who will help you manage blood sugar/cortisol/seratonin etc so you can feel good buzzed all the time.
Bacause we love you too much for you to be anxious. Well i do anyway.
Ixx

[Sarahbchicago]

Massage therapists are dangerously attractive, aren't they? My good friend is dating her (former) therapist. She says he's not very generous with the freebies, however. His hands are always sore!

I'm a fellow anxiety sufferer (although my anxiety is always inwards-facing and very critical). I find my reproduction WWII poster from UK very soothing: Keep Calm and Carry On. I bought it on Etsy. Cheers!