Either the scars run deep, or old habits die hard, but even now, even with this au natural who-knew-sex-could-get-you-pregnant pregnancy, it is so hard to let go of the jinx factor.
When you are going through infertility, you have so little control over what happens – very little control over how your body responds and no control over the final result. You can try as hard as you can, and you still can’t influence the result. It’s a huge mindfuck, especially for the A types who are used to controlling their world, and who have always believed that effort = reward.
And so, in order to try and wrestle some semblance of control, you (a) educate yourself with as much info as you can and (b) look for ‘signs’ every where. Even if before you merrily walked under ladders and laughed at black cats in your path, you suddenly become hyper vigilant for signs. A baby sticker on the window of the car in front of you as you drive to the clinic – IT’S A SIGN!! A song playing on the radio that you danced to as your first dance – IT’S A SIGN!! If you can’t find a sign, you make one up. Infertiles love signs.
The flip side of looking for signs, is fearing the jinx factor. The jinx factor reigns large. We live in fear of the jinx factor. After so many IVFs, pregnancies and losses, you would think that by now I would know that if something is going to go wrong, it is going to go wrong (because of perfectly logical, explainable MEDICAL factors), but no, I am still so fearful of the jinx factor.
Announcing that you are pregnant is hugely jinxy. But somehow, if you announce it with the right ‘tone’ (not too confident or boastful, instead full of gratitude edged with a bit of fear), it is less jinxy. Working out your due date – very, very jinxy. Acting 100% confident / blasé / naïve / boastful about being pregnant – very, very jinxy.
Yesterday when I want for the CVS, I was comforting myself that it would be good because it was at a new doctor, not the one that did the CVS for the last pregnancy that turned out so bad, and that blah blah blah (looking for signs every where) and when the new doctor walked in, I immediately recognized her (and her me) from when I did the CVS with the quads – she was there that day assisting. I was completely stuck as to whether it was a good sing or a jinx. Brain melted.
As you know, we have a brilliant local online support site (Fertilicare) for local infertiles. I hang around the infertile boards giving people encouragement where I can, answering questions where I can and occasionally I lurk on the pregnancy boards. So yesterday I thought I would join them there, announcing my pregnancy and joining in the group. I opened up a new post, was about to start typing my news and then I shut the window down. I just couldn’t. Far too jinxy.
I know that my friends and family get, um, irritated is too strong a word, lets say ‘concerned’ that I am like this, that I am not 100% skippy happy, its not that I don’t want to, its just that I can’t. It is far too jinxy. I feel as if as long as I hold on to a little bit of the respectful fear, I am somehow am protecting myself and the pregnancy from the jinx.
As I said, the scars run deep and old habits die hard.
PS I have a few good signs that comfort me that just maybe this will end up ok, but I obviously can’t share them with you as that would be way too jinxy ;-)
PPS I really am ok, and even dare I say it, happy! This is just my way of dealing with the fear. I am fearfully happy. Happily fearful. Actually just happy touched with a tiny, teeny bit of fear of the jinx.
PPPS Another really jinxy thing is to get all cocky about picking baby names, but I’ve always picked my names early so I might do the same. Am going to ask you for help as this baby was practically conceived on this blog anyway. Don’t post your suggestions yet!!! Too jinxy. Only after Friday’s results. Then we will have the name discussion. Put your thinking caps on in the mean time.