Emotionally spent and vaguely dissatisfied

As you will know from previous posts, the biannual Woollies sale is a Big Big thing in our lives. ‘Our’ as in Sister Mel and I. Our genetic make up (German Jewish from dad’s side and poor Dutch from my mom) means that there are few things that excite us more than a BARGAIN!

Like a first date with a long desired lover, the Woollies sale promises untold excitement for Sister Mel and I. A delicious thrill builds up inside while we plan and strategize for days before the big day. Emails and text messages fly back and forth.

Right.... Woollies plan:
Wake at 6.30, dress for comfort and speed.
Ensure husband is up and clothes are out for the kids as well as lunch made.
Drive to closest Woolies.
Be at the door before they open and ensure you only have your Woollies card in your pocket and not your cumbersome bag.  Cell phone too so we can roger each other.
Head straight to kids sleepwear.
I want:
2 pack PJ's for both girls age 5-6 and 7-8
1 extra PJ's for Becks
1 gown in 7-8
1 boys gown in 12-13 or if not that size, 13-14
Spencers if they have in above sizes
Slippers stokie style in size 10 and size 1
No broeks (broeks = afrikaans word for panties)
Socks in 9-12.
Bellbottom trackpants in 5-6 and 7-8
Long sleeve thin tops in 5-6 and 7-8
Anoraks
Wellie boots if they have size 10 and size 1

Homeware
Queen size fitted winter sheet
Single bed fitted winter sheet x 3

Mail me your list and then before we pay we can phone each other.    Pay on a sep slip so easy to return.

Roger, over and out.

The morning of the sale, we were both up at sparrows fart. Sister Mel sent me a text message as support and motivation “"Dont forget to stretch. 2nd place is another word for LAST. GO GO GO!" I didn’t even need it though, I was ready – leg warmers, leotard and sweatband on.

Off I went, bowl of muesli and sister’s list in the hand, breathing in and out in short, sharp breaths.

Arrived at the doors at 07:26 to find they had opened the doors at 07:25! FUCKERS!!!

Doing my best not to panic, I grabbed a shopping cart and headed straight for the kiddies section. Elbowing a few fellow shoppers out the way, I proceeded to methodically work my way through the age 5-6 girls stuff. Lots of nice (nice = warm and comfy) things for Kate. Hardly anything for Adam. He got 1x pair of revolting Hulk pants in age 3-4, and 1x hideous silky boxer shorts (he loves the feel of the silky nylon material). I then marched across to the homeware section and found lots of winter sheets, duvet covers etc. By this stage my cart was just about full and I decided to take a little stroll through the women’s clothes to see if there was a bargain buy or two for me. I grabbed a pair of pants here, some broeks there. Each time moving my full cart along side me. As I was about to pile on the last pair of reduced-by-50%-camo pants, I noticed that my shopping cart was GONE! GONE!!!

I instantly broke out in a cold sweat. Perhaps I just forgot where I left it last! I went back to the broeks section, not there! I walked up and down the aisles (perhaps someone had just moved it out the way), not there! By this time, I wanted to cry. Sister Mel phoned for a conference call and inventory update, but I was too upset to speak.

I walked that ENTIRE Woollies store flat, three times, looking for that slutbitchwhore who STOLE my fucking shopping cart, but it was no where to be found. All that time, all those potential bargains, wasted.

I was a broken woman. I half-heartedly grabbed a few items (1x cheese grater that I don’t need as I have one already, but it was 50% off, 2x single sheets and 1x pair revolting purple velour sweatpants) and made my way to the till.

My head hanging dejectedly down, I wondered past the last known location of my missing cart and noticed that there seemed be an abandoned cart lying there. It wasn’t mine, but I had noticed on the 75^th time I walked past looking for my cart. I decided to leave my name and number on a piece of paper on top of the shopping. “Dear Asshole, You’ve obviously taken my fucking shopping cart by mistake. Thanks for FUCK ALL. Love Tertia”. No, I wrote “I think you might have taken my shopping by accident. If you did, please could you give me a call on xxxxx”.

I waited in the queue for 20 mins to pay for my pathetic few times and drove home. Exhausted.

Five minutes from my house, I get a call. “Hi, is that Tertia. This is blind-as-a-bat fellow shopper here, I think I’ve taken your shopping my mistake” YOU THINK!!!! She said she would leave the cart in the corner of the store for me to collect. 

I contemplated just leaving the stuff there, but the Bargain Buy side of me won. I turned around, and drove allllll the way back, got my cart, stood in the queue for another 20 mins and drove allll the way home again. I got home at 11am.

That’s right folks, I had just spent 3 and a half HOURS buying things I don’t really need or want, but never you mind, IT WAS A BARGAIN.

Like a much anticipated first date with a long desired lover, the reality was once again far less satisfying than the fantasy and as before, I was left emotionally exhausted and vaguely dissatisfied.

Thank god the Woollies sale only happens only twice a year, I don’t think my nerves could stand it otherwise.

(and if only that was the last word on the matter. I got home, had a cup of coffee and longed for a cigarette. I then typed up an entire blog post detailing my disastrous morning, and I lost the entire fucking thing. Right there and then, I decided the words “Woollies Sale” would not come out of my mouth for the next 48 hours for fear that I might have a nervous breakdown. It took me two days to recover, which is why I didn’t update my blog yesterday)

Comments

[Lila]

Oh poor Tertia. What a disappointment.
I hope you will notice that your bargains wash extremely well and become the children's favorites.

Have a glass of wine. Another one.

[Janine]

Bwhahahaaaaaaa. You said "roger each other". Bwahahahaaaaaaaa!

[Francois]

I haven`t laughed like this in ages. That was hilarious.

[Stef]

i'm sure you'll remember to handcuff yourself to the trolley next time!! :)

[Woody's Girl]

Putting myself in your shoes, I don't find it a bit amusing... just TOTALLY frustrating! Sorry it was less than ideal, T. But glad you DID recover the lost items. How clever of you to write a note on an abandoned cart! I bet that lady feels awful.

Hey! Perhaps you should have held her cart for ransom! You might have made some money that way, if she is as passionate about (dare I speak the words?) The Woollies Sale as you and Sister Mel. ;)

[Linus]

Glad you got your stuff in the end. Good move leaving a note on that doff lady's cart. Now have a glass of wine and prepare mentally for the next visit to Woolies.

[Gill]

Well I'm glad you managed to get your trolley back eventually! Geez I would have had a fit!

The stuff at our Woolies sale was so crap that all I came home with was 5 birthday bags - you know those little bags that you can put prezzies in, instead of wrapping them! Love them.

[Meriel]

There's a business opportunity there. I think they should stick small blackboard slates and a piece of chalk on all their trolleys. Then you can write your name there in big letters so everyone knows it is yours......

.........actually you could use it to write your list as you shop, or jot down a reminder of where you parked, or your kids can draw on it to amuse themsleves in the line, or your husband can sketch your new kitchen design while he waits patiently for you. Shucks what a useful tool that would be!

[Josie]

About time too...been clicking on your page non stop waiting for the update! You should have gone to the food department and pop open a bottle and sat right by that trolley and made her pay for the wine.

[Josie]

And what about Sister Mel? Where is her update? Both of you gone at the same time....

[V]

This is why I never go to Woollies sales!! Anyway everytime I go to a sale I usually end up buying loads of stuff that is not on sale and no sale items...

[Dana]

What's a "winter" sheet? Aren't sheets all the same? 300, 400, 600 threads etc
(Sorry, I'm from Miami; no winters here)

[Gina]

Oh T!
Glad you got your trolley back!

[JaneW]

Bwahahahaha...
do you think that other shopped has your original post on HER blog now? ;)

[noo]

This has had me in hysterics!
I certainly miss the woolies sales. Well done on getting your loot back :)

[louise]

What a story! lol!!! There's nothing as sad as a bargain gone wrong!

[Type (little) a]

It took me two days to recover, which is why I didn’t update my blog yesterday

Oh Tersh, that sentence right there is why I love you. I get it. Also good for you for only longing for a cigarette. I'm good at that. I'm longing for one RIGHT NOW.

[shirley]

tertia you are hysterical!!! your mind works in a manner much like my own :)!! your blog is the best read i have ever had (and thats after a degree in english and psych and masters to boot plus a serious reading addiction). love it !!! you're the best !

[sheilah]

HAHAHA!! Glad I am not into shopping.

(had to google 'broek'...such colorful language you have in SA)

[Melissa]

What is a broek? Glad you got your stuff back though, this post was hilarious (well, for me, maybe not for you).

[Becky]

Oh my goodness, now THAT is an adventure! I am still giggling, thinking about the note that you left behind. You are so much braver than me.
:) Becky

[Katie]

Oh no - losing the blog post was the clincher. I think I might hyperventilate on your behalf after reading that.

[Fiona]

Ooooh, I hear you. Up at 4.30am for a 5am start at the Next sale to buy a load of crap which either won't fit at the right time of the season or falls apart on first wash...but I keep on goin' on...

Fiona

[Sakoro]

Broek= underwear although my family always called the girl version broekies= panties.

[Dana]

WOW, Tertia, can you be More Famous?? http://www.moneyweb.co.za/mw/view/mw/en/page215466?oid=218898&sn=Detail

Congratulations! you really deserve a good glass of Chardonnay.

[Liz]

I second the handcuff to trolley idea. I would be really really mad if someone "stole" my bargain trolley!

[Traci]

I just read the "famous" article. Congratulations - famous indeed!! I have to say though, I am a bit sad. I've been a reader since (nearly) the beginning. I kind of felt like part of a great little club, but now I realize I am just one of the masses. But then, you deserve masses. Way to go!

[One of Two Mommies]

This just reminds me I've been reading your blog for a long time. I read the first bit and thought, "Oh is it time for the Woollies sale already?" I've never even heard of a bloody Woolies sale before you. Now it's a biannual even in my life as well...only I just get to hear about the bargins instead of getting them myself (much cheeper really).

[Wobs]

This is just too funny... but I do sympathise... I would be guttered if someone took my stuff. Glad you got it back!

[Caroline]

Bwahahaha - just spilled my morning coffee all over keyboard!

[Annelie]

LOL, this is hilarious and i am also addicted to woolies sales.

Love the "roger" part.

Agree, have a glass of wine!

[Coral]

Damm I did laugh - sorry!!

[Sue]

As DH mumbled as I left home early on Tuesday morning, "Can't fog a mirror on a good day, but can get up early for the f*#@(*& Woolies sale!"

[Ariel]

I know how you feel!! I had someone steal my trolley, also left a note and no one phoned. Got home only to be told my husband he doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce because he can't guarantee his faithfulness. Don't know who is the biggest fucker here...

[nadia]

HAHA! so funny the way you write it. :)

[Jo]

O you would soooo love the sales here in Belgium. Twice a year we have really big sales, summer & winter. This is major, everything is marked down between 70% & 50%. I know it sounds unbelievable but it's true & it's not just old stuff out of the store rooms it's actual items off the floor.

Glad it all worked out well in the end

[Kath]

Why is it that there is NEVER any good boy stuff - on sale or otherwise. I was looking for 3 - 4 boys stuff but absolutely nothing!!!!! but there are miles and miles of racks with pretty pink frills etc SIGH! P.S glad to hear there are some good people out there who actually phone you and admit their huge mistake! :)

[Jen]

Yes Fiona - you have it spot on - Next sale stuff that you have to wildly guess the sizing for next summer as NONE OF THE SIZES MATCH THE ACTUAL SIZES OF YOURS OR ANYONES CHILDREN EVEN REMOTELY.

T, hope all the stuff you got for Kate was appreciated (hah!) and glad that you at least got all the shopping bargains back.

[Jen]

ps is the Woolies sale a complete zoo like the Next one? Normally Next has things all nicely laid out in sizes and colours etc. Come sale time, it's a total free for all, and you struggle to match anything and it takes 3 hours just to go through all the rails to find a blasted purple t-shirt that matches (in shade and/or size) the trousers you found on the other side of the store, in the BOYS 3-8yrs section, even though they're Girls' 12-18mo size.

[Kez]

7:25am start? Pah.

This time of year all the major discount stores here in Australia have their annual toy sales. A lot of the stores open at 12:01am. Yep, one minute past midnight.

Hundreds of hysterical overtired women in trackies fighting over half price Bratz dolls and nerdy men fighting over $750 Lego sets.

It's wonderful.

We also have big sales starting on Boxing Day. Best bargains are leftover Christmas stuff. You haven't lived until you've tried to wrangle a 9 foot ex-display Christmas tree through 30,000 people to the checkout :)