What’s the worst that can happen?

I want to know whether, if you are a mother, you feel this too. Because either I am an asshole beyond compare, or I am just normal. 

I hate it when my kids are sick. HATE it. I react so badly. It makes me so anxious, it is all I can think about. I find it impossible to concentrate on anything else. I have that terrified feeling inside. It feels like my heart and lungs are in a vice, plus I have that horrible adrenalin rush feeling inside. I know most mothers don’t like it when their kids are sick, but my reaction seems extreme. 

I keep giving myself stern talking-tos, but it is not helping.

Previously, when I was seeing another therapist, we spoke about this terrible fear I have inside sometimes, especially where my children are concerned. At the time we were speaking about sending them off to school for the first time, and how anxious I was about it. She asked me to ask myself ‘what is the worst that can happen’, to try and put things in perspective. It is actually a useful thing to do when you are really nervous. Like when you have to do a presentation in front of a hundred people, or you have a job interview. What’s the worst that can happen? Put things into perspective and makes you feel less fearful.

Except it doesn’t really work when your kids are sick. 

What is the worst that can happen? Well, they could die. That would be pretty bad.

They have the flu, they are unlikely to die from the flu. 

Yes, but that is the worst that can happen, right! THEY COULD DIE. 

Is this anxious, fearful feeling normal? I am not sure whether I really fear that they could die. I don’t think I do. I mean, I know logically that they are unlikely to DIE when they are sick (unlike when Kate had her operation and I spent the entire time almost vomiting with fear). So if I don’t really think they are going to die, why do I feel so anxious and out of sorts? Is it an instinct / mother thing? Are we programmed to get upset if our offspring are not well? Or I am extra fearful because the worst has already happened to a child of mine?  Or is this just fearful / anxious / paranoid / highly strung normal Tertia behaviour?

All I know, is that I absolutely hate it when my kids are sick. And we have had four long weeks of sick kids.  So for four weeks I have lived with my heart in my mouth. It’s exhausting.

(The latest victim is Adam with a fever last night of 104/41. Nice. Took them both to the Paed today. He suspects flu. I feel like we are under siege here!)

PS  This has been a VERY expensive week.  I had to have my car repaired (R3000), Shelly spayed (R2000) and with all the medicine I've had to buy for the kids (>R1000), I am now officially BROKE.

Comments

[Tripsmom]

My biggest fear is that something should happen to me and someone else should raise my girls - and they are too small to understand why. It "eats" away at me daily, even though I know I am healthy and cannot prevent life from happening. My fear is so big that I put off setting up our will because I couldnt bear the thought of nominating guardians for my girls. We did our will last week and I ended up crying in the laywers office. Most people pray for wealth etc. I pray for health so that I can be here to raise my own children.

[Gill]

I am quite, quite paranoid when it comes to the health of my children. I take them to the doctor for the most minor things and if they have to have blood tests etc I get my knickers in a complete knot!

[jen]

I do get nervous when they are sick, a little. Not to the extreme you are talking about. Plus, my kids are 6 and 8 and with time I think it gets better. A little 1 year old who is sick is much scarier than an 8 year old. Plus, once they started school they were sick a lot. I think you get used to it the more it happens. I never really feel that they will die. I more just feel bad for them and worry about how they are miserable. And it is hard to send them back to school after beign sick because I worry they are not 100% and that I shouldn't send them and then stress about that. But you can't keep them home forever. The first year of real school (kindergarten) was terrible for both kids. Their bodies picked up so much from all those germs. But I think each year is a little better.

[blackbird]

I would guess that losing Ben has damaged your ability to react normally to Adam and Kate being unwell. Of course that's a big leap for me as I am no professional.
But I see it as a sort of Post Traumatic Stress situation. You've seen the worst that can happen, you've felt it. Even if you never have a conscious thought of losing Adam or Kate - even if you know they only have a high fever, emotionally you are weakened.
That's my theory.
Perhaps you will cope better as they get older and you see how resilient they are. Or you may be a nervous nellie forever - I hope not.
My ped once told me that little kids get sick ten to twelve times a year.
Normal little kids.
You know I adore you - I hope I haven't overstepped here.

[Egg Donor (ret.)]

I think it's normal to be anxious and hate them being sick. I think you also have some outisde anxiety issues. That's not being critical and not to say you shouldn't worry, but the feeling you explain is a pretty classic sign of anxiety problems (coming from someone who has them). I just try to deal with mine, but if you're seeing a therapist, there are things they can prescribe that may help.

[Tine]

You're normal (in my book). I'm a wreck when my kids are sick. I always worry about whether I'm reading their symptoms correctly and doing the right things for them. As for the flu...ugh. We had a neverending parade of it here for 3 full months (!!) last winter. I still haven't fully recovered from that misery. ((hugs)) I know it sucks...you have my sympathy.

[zeghsy]

you are completely normal. they're your babies, of course you're going to worry when they're not 100%. it makes you a good mother. you do however, need to try and remain calm for them (not just yourself). them seeing you all stressed out doesn't help them. it's hard, but try.

big hugs to all the sickies. don't you get sick now too.

[Melissa]

Tertia,

This is a new area for me with my biological son. I've always hated it when my step children are sick but either because they were older (5 and 9 at the start of my time with them) or because they have another Mom to look out for them, it wasn't quite the same fear that I have now with my new little guy.

Since he is still so little (not yet 5 months) I am still on the 'did I do something wrong?' bandwagon. When he gets sick I think it's my fault (oh why oh why didn't I breastfeed, it was that chocolate bar I had in the second trimester, etc. etc.) even though I KNOW it's irrational and that kids just get sick. I also worry about all kinds of illnesses he could have - from autism to others, they all cross my mind. I worry that when I start obsessing about these things I'm wasting good quality time that I could be spending blissfully focused on him.

The best solution I've found is to talk to someone about it and get my reassurances that things will turn out okay. My husband is great but for this my Mom is better. Somehow having her tell me I'm being an alarmist calms me down. She also reminds me that I'm doing a great job and that he is a strong little guy and that we will make it through. One phone call with her can change my whole mindset.

Maybe you could try that too? It's long distance but I'll happily give you my Mom's number! ;-)

Melissa
p.s. for the record - this parenting thing is kind of hard, no?

[Keri]

It sounds like when your kids are sick, you have anxiety attacks. A friend of mine recently found out that she had been having anxiety attacks (trouble breathing, heart palpitations, etc) for a while now-it took three ER visits to figure it out. The anxiety medicine that she was prescribed really helped her get through tough periods of time. Perhaps this is something you can do when you are feeling anxious about your kids being sick?

[Darkchocolate]

anxiety is part of parenting I guess. I have been known to stop breathing, break out in a sweat and seat up straight the minute I think of anything bad happening to my kids. It how nature has designed us. imagine if it was the opposite. Society would all be in deep trouble.

[becky]

When my son is sick, my foremost feeling is that I wish it were me, not him. But I don't fear for his life, typically. We had a scare when he was a newborn that led some doctors to suspect Cystic Fibrosis, and that scared the life out of me. But the flu? Just want him to feel better!

However, I do have a friend who is prone to depression and anxiety, and she feels exactly as you do. She rushes them to the ped for every cough and sniffle, and worries worries worries about them while they are sick. I even said to her something similar to your therapist, and pointed out that you don't die from a cold or the flu. But that did *not* help her at all! I think your feelings are probably a sign of your anxiety issues rather than anything else. Maybe some anti-anxiety meds? Or a different AD that is better for anxiety?

It's totally normal to worry about your kids! But I think when your worries exceed the moment that's when it becomes troublesome.

[Niki]

I totally feel you. I always describe it as jungle drums to my husband. They beat softly in the background and then get louder and louder until the panic wells up and all I hear are the damn drums and I can't even think straight. Usually it is when I am away from them, I do seem to be able to stay calm will illness. If I'm away from them and I know I'll be away for x amount of time, I can be ok. But as that time nears when I'm suppose to get back to them it's the drums and all I can think about is getting back to my babies, THEY NEED ME!! and of course they are fine when I get there and oblivious the panic.

[Katie]

Yes, I go through that exact same thing, but I've been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and also post traumatic stress disorder. I wouldn't be surprised if this is more common for women who have suffered from infertility as well because we have a hard time grasping the fact that something bad ISN'T going to happen. And if you've lost another child, that would definitely just compound that same thing.

[Jean]

Hi Tertia, Jean here. Our sons share(d) an OT and we've chatted in the waiting room on occasion. I think that past experiences, especially the "bad" ones, often leave us with an irrational fear of certain things. My younger son suffered from reflux quite badly when he was young and there were times that he'd sometimes start choking in his sleep if he was not elevated enough in the cot. Even to this day I wake up in the night and sneak through to his room to make sure that he is still breathing...silly, I know, but it's one of those things. The feeling does improve as they get older, if that is any comfort. I think that any parent with 2 young children goes through the sickness spate that you are experiencing. My worst was when the one got chicken pox and then 2 weeks later the other came down with it (those are the times when you need an understanding boss!!)

[M from Illinois]

Wow. You describe me to a T. I'm sure the loss of Ben doesn't help your feelings of anxiety, but I wanted to let you know that this subject (afraid something bad will happen to the kids health wise and they will die) is the exact reason I started Zoloft, and I never lost a child. I don't know if the anxiety over this was to due to my fertility issues and the amount of time and trouble it took me to have my children, or my 3 miscarriages, but i'm inclined to think it had more to do with the realization that bad things do happen to good people. I remember the exact moment the anxiety began. My hairdresser who was a lovely kind woman was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor at 42 years old. I remember thinking she did nothing to cause it and didn't deserve it, and WHAM....I was never the same after that. I remember looking at my kids while they were sleeping and thinking.... what if...... It got to the point that if they had something as minor as a headache I would literally lose sleep- never mind a fever!! Every ache was an impending medical condition. I was like this with myself as well and was always running to the doctor. The anti anxiety medicine saved my life. I was able to go on living without being a basket case. I didn't even realize it was doing anything until I went off it and started freaking out again. I been on Zoloft for over 10 years and I'm just not as anxious as I used to be. I still worry about things, but it is not all consuming like it used to be. So yes, I can relate to your pain......

[Jaime]

I think that there is always some level of anxiety when kids are sick. However, it sounds like you suffer from a bit of an anxiety disorder with phobias perhaps. I'm not a psychologist (my sister is, however) but I suffer from a very similar condition. Medical issues (particularly the flu) become very astronomical in my mind! Your kids are resilient. They will bounce back and get better. Perhaps you ought to look into talking to someone about your fears. It has helped me a lot! I still get anxious when my baby or husband is sick but it is manageable. Hang in there!

[Orange]

I have nowhere near that level of anxiety when my kid is sick or injured, Tertia.

I've read that parents who have nearly lost a child are more familiar with "the worst that can happen" and thus have a more difficult time remaining calm about subsequent illnesses or injuries. I would imagine that losing a child would have the same effect. I can't find that article, but I thought it was in the New York Times.

[kirstyphysio]

This a badge of motherhood! Mothers feel guilty about EVERYTHING when it comes to their kids! So - when they are sick, you always look for a reason as to why they are sick. "Maybe it's because I changed him in that public baby change room - thats why he's sick"; "Maybe it's because I took him to the playpark - that's why he's sick" etc...
The truth is - kids get sick!! All the time! And there is usually nothing we can do to prevent it, but it doesn't make us stop feeling any less guilty or worry any less about them.

You have suffered the worst loss (IMO) on this planet - the death of a child. And it is understandable why you are so fearful that, God forbid, you could lose another! So - your fear may seem irrational - but it is understandable!

Either that - or you're a nutcase! ;-)
Carry on working through it with the therapist - you ARE normal though!!

[Amber]

I believe that it is biological. I'm sure that you react by being especially anxious because of the loss of your son.

My eight month old has cancer and while there are lulls in the emotional minefield of dealing with this monster, that sick anxious feeling never quite goes away. I've been wondering if it will go away once treatment is over, or if I will always be super anxious with every runny nose.

[Jan]

Am I extra fearful because the worst has already happened to a child of mine?

This would be my totally uneducated guess.

I'm anxious by nature (medicated for it, actually, three cheers for Zoloft) and even unmedicated, I have never had the sort of fear you're describing when my kids were sick. Everybody has their own triggers, of course, but this doesn't sound normal to me. (Which I'm saying less to point out what a nutjob you are and more to tell you that I suspect a good counselor might be able to help you with it.)

Either way, it sounds rotten. Take care of all of you.

[melody]

You are the only other person I know that feels like this. I am not an anxious person by nature. Not one little bit.

But when my kids are sick, I cant eat, sleep or think an uninterrupted thought. Am with you. I think it also a control thing. Am a bit of a control freak and when I cant MAKE THEM BETTER or DO ANYTHING but watch them suffer (especially when I am not sure what is wrong) is causes me extreme anxiety.

I dont think we are abnormal. We are just moms.

[Anne]

Absolutely. I also am pretty laid back most times, but when my daughter is sick, watch out. Even if it's just a cold. That underlying fear is always there, for however long it takes them to get better. I shudder to think how hard it must be on parents whose children have life-threatening illnesses, as opposed to my daughter's run-of-the-mill colds, flus, and general malaise.

[kristylynne]

I honestly think it's natural to be protective of your children, but that such fears are compounded by a struggle with infertility and loss. Tertia, you went through so much to have these children, and you have lost children, too. I think if that doesn't put the fear into a person, I don't know what will. My son is now 3 and although my fear of losing him has lessened somewhat, I still catch myself envisioning worst-case scenarios sometimes. I went through so much to have him, and he is so incredibly precious. I guess I feel like I beat the odds to have him here, and the fact that he is still sometimes feels too good to be true.

[Andrea]

Honestly, what mom doesn't worry just a little too much? It is quite natural to worry about one's own! I think one major concern of moms is make sure they do the best they can to not let their fears wear off on their children and subsequently make them fear doctors. I've seen that happen so many times, and it's just really unfortunate.

[Andrea]

Honestly, what mom doesn't worry just a little too much? It is quite natural to worry about one's own! I think one major concern of moms is make sure they do the best they can to not let their fears wear off on their children and subsequently make them fear doctors. I've seen that happen so many times, and it's just really unfortunate.