Yesterday Marko and I were at the shop and the next thing he starts spluttering and gesticulating wildly at a display next to us. “I can’t believe it! The ONE day a year dedicated to fathers and they have a mother’s day item displayed for all to see”. (It was some minor chocolate thingy that had the word ‘mother’ on it. THE COLD, UNFEELING BASTARDS!)
Well, forgive me my nitpickiness for pointing out the blinding obvious, but ONE day? Hello! I don’t think so. Every day is bloody Father’s Day!
But I got to thinking about what would constitute the perfect Father’s Day. You know, if I was the perfect wife instead of the Evil Witch from Hell. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the perfect day for fathers would have very little to do with being a father at all. In fact, the perfect day for fathers would probably apply to most men, whether they are fathers or not:
Mid morning after a late lie in: Eggs, bacon, coffee and a blowjob in bed
After breakfast: A lovely long hot shower
After shower: A bit of quality time with the kids. Perhaps a bit of rough and tumble or pottering around in the garden. No crying, fighting or hurting themselves allowed. Kids then trot off to amuse themselves for rest of morning.
Just before lunch: Another cup of coffee and an uninterrupted read through the Sunday papers, wife on hand to nod in agreement at your rantings about the government, the economy and society in general.
Lunchtime: Home cooked Sunday roast with all the trimmings, followed by an hour’s snooze on the couch
Mid afternoon: Wave goodbye to kids as they go off to spend afternoon with granny. Wife beckons knowingly to bedroom where she performs a strip show just for you. Hot steamy sex follows. Followed by another little nap.
Late afternoon: Plonk yourself in front of the TV and watch sport while wife hands you beer and snack.
Later: Wife brings you another beer
Later: Your friends come around. Your wife brings them beer too.
Even later: Your friends leave. The kids are in fed, bathed and in their PJs. They come to kiss you goodnight and tell you how you are the BEST dad ever!
Night time: You pass out in front of the TV. Your wife puts a blanket over you and switches off the light.
Poor Marko. If only he had a wife like the one above. Oh well, he did get a new set of thermal underwear (unwrapped), the lucky beast. Sunday roasts and blowjobs may come and go, but thermal underwear is forever!
Happy father’s day to the dads. I hope your day was similar to the one above.