It has a strange allure, this yearning of mine. Like most addictions, you are never fully cured. Recovered perhaps, but never cured.
Even now, three years later, the slightest reminder gives me that familiar wrench inside. I pretend to be totally over it, I act as if I couldn’t care less. Nothing could be further than the truth.
The craving is always there, lurking under the surface. I pretend to fit in, to be ‘normal’, whatever that might be, but I know I am not. I never will be. It is impossible to deny my past, even if my present looks so rosy.
I dream about it, about doing it one more time. I rationalize it to myself. Many people do it and few have regrets! I won’t go for the heavy stuff again, I’ll just flirt with the fun stuff, the easy stuff! It’s not like I will slip back into that terrible, dark place again if I just do it for fun!
Except that I know I am fooling myself. I won’t be able to stop. I won’t be able to do it just once, or just twice. That is how I started last time and look where that ended up.
‘I’m fine’, I keep telling myself. Look at how great my life is now!
But I want more. I crave more. I want it, I need it.
It would be so easy. Just a phone call. All I have to do is pick up the phone and ask to see him again; I will be right back in that world again. As if I had never left.
God, just once more! Just let me do this once more and I promise I’ll stop. Just one more IVF, one more chance at a baby, and then I promise you, I’m done. Just one more.
(cross posted from my Times column)
I should make it clear, this is not something I am asking of anyone - of my husband, or anyone else. It is instead a conversation I am having within myself. A to-and-fro between my heart and my head. Sometimes, most times, my head wins. As it should. It is the right decision. But every now and then sound of my heart's yearning drowns out all the neat rationalizations I use to convince myself that I'm done. That I am happy being done. It is the right decision. Even if it is tinged with much sadness and regret. It is just how it is.