Thank you so much for all your input and your thoughts. You have given me so much to think about. I adore you, really I do.
Do you know why I want another child? Because I want more of the mommy love.
Before I had children, I had heard about this thing they called unconditional love. I heard people make reference to how much they love their children, but I thought this ‘unconditional love’ they were talking about was how much their children loved them. I imagined having a child of my own who loved me so completely. Unconditionally. Who thought I was the best thing since sliced bread. There were many nights that I lay awake, wondering how that love might feel. Trying to picture that little face, eyes looking up at me, filled with love.
And now that I have children, I can see how wonderful it is, to be loved like that. My children love me very, very much. I know that I am at the centre of their universe. I am their everything. All they want is me, and it is both absolutely wonderful and overwhelming exhausting at the same time. Because all they want is ME!
However, what I didn’t understand before about this ‘unconditional love’ people spoke about is that it isn’t about how much my children love me, but rather about how much I love them.
I often tell people that when you do a cost / benefit analysis of having children; on paper, the costs far outweigh the benefits. If you do a simple spreadsheet, you will 474 thousand items in your cost column: Children make you poor / tired / old / frustrated / make you resent your partner / force you to give up your social life and probably your sex life / they don’t listen / they hate you when they are teens / they shout at you / they disobey you / they break your things / they puke on you / they wipe their nose on you / they kick, bite, scratch you etc etc. The list is looooong. On paper, having children, or at least more than one (did you not learn the first time around!!), seems like a really silly idea. But that is because you haven’t taken into account that one and only item that appears on the plus column: the love. The absolutely amazing love you feel for your child. And that one single item, that mommy (or daddy) love, far outweighs the entire minus column. That love is what makes having children so absolutely wonderful. And it is why I want another.
I thought I knew what love was before I had my children; I had no idea. It is an absolute honour, and a privilege to be able to love someone so much, so intensely and so completely. To have the opportunity, twice over, to love so, so much. This mommy love is headier, rushier and more trippy than any drug I have ever taken. It is deeper and more moving than anything I have ever experienced in my life. I had no idea I could love this much, and I want more. And THAT is why I want another.
Because if loving two children is so absolutely, mind-blowingly wonderful; what will it be like to love three?
And yet, I am not
totally blind to the risks. As my friend V so poignantly pointed
out, there are enormous potential downsides to having more children. And I need to decide whether I am prepared to
take on those risks. I am not sure what
I should do. I want more of the love, but I also want to enjoy the children I already have, my
husband and a life that I am only now starting to reclaim as my own. As I say, I am not sure what I am going to
do, but I wanted to tell you why I wanted more children. It is about the love. All the other stuff is