(bodily functions and faulty reproductive bits mentioned)
I’m having a bit of a dilemma. Which is putting it mildly. I am not sure whether to shut the factory down for good, or keep it chugging along in its pitiful, yet marginally functioning state.
If things were normal, if *I* was normal (cue hysterical laughter here), then I might be happy to let things chug along as they were and see what happens. But things (my body and I) are far from normal and so I feel like I need to make a decision either way. Which really sucks and makes me feel a renewed sense of frustration, irritation and mourning for the sorry state of affairs of my reproductive bits.
I need to decide whether I would like another child, or whether I should go back on the pill / Mirena and put a final full stop at the end of ‘Mommy, Daddy, Adam and Kate.’
There is a part of me that would LOVE to conceive naturally and be pregnant with ONE baby. A big part. I have been so cheated of any ‘normal’ conception and pregnancy experience, plus I haven’t ever had a chance what it feels like to hold just one baby. To focus all your attention on ONE baby. So yes, there is a part of me that would love to have all of that. Plus I like the idea of a big family. I come from a big family.
But do I want another child? Children are expensive. They are exhausting. It has been a rough first two years with the twins; I am FINALLY seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Do I really want to go through this again?
And what about the very high chance of another loss? Can I handle yet another loss? What about the wear and tear on my body that pregnancy brings? I have been pregnant five times already. I am not sure my body and mind can handle any more.
It is not just the psychological and emotional limbo, I can handle that. Hell, I’ve been handling that for eight years now. Plus I don’t have the same sense of angst anymore, obviously. It is more a case of “would be nice, but not heartbreaking if it doesn’t happen”.
Another factor that is coming into play is my age. I will be 39 this month. OMG! How the fuck did that happen? Woosh! The sound of the years between 27 and 39 just racing by. I swear I was 27 only last week sometime! I am not sure I want to have another child at 40+. Not because I think there is anything wrong with being an older mother (in fact, I think there is a lot to be said for waiting a little), but because I am feeling my age. I feel old, and very very tired. Both my kids, but especially my son, take up so much of my energy that I am not sure I have it in me to have another one. What if it too is a non-sleeping, hard-work child! So, yes, the age thing is something I am considering. I am not sure what the cut off point would be for me, but it feels soon’ish.
The thing that is driving me to make the closing-shop decision sooner rather than later is that my cycles are completely wonky and it is driving me crazy. I have loooong cycles and I take forever to stop bleeding. Sorry if TMI. (It is as if my body doesn’t have the hormone necessary to say “ok, you are done with your period, you can stop bleeding now and make eggs or a lining or whatever the fuck normal people make” My body gets stuck on repeat. No period………no period………no period………no period………no period………no period………no period………no period……… PERIOD!! Periodperiodperiodperiodperiodperiodperiodperiodperiod.
I hate living like that. It wears me down and I actually want to reclaim my body back. Go back on the pill to force my body into a proper cycle (and stop the bleeding), or go on the Mirena and have no cycle at all. Even better. If my useless reproductive bits (including those spectacularly ineffectual hormones of mine) aren’t doing anything except annoy me, why bother keeping them functional? Why not just shut them down for good and move on with my life. Eight years is a long time after all. And I do have two wonderful children. So why not just shut it down and move on?
Because I secretly think I want another child. And because dammit, I want my chance at normal. And because putting myself on birth control goes against every infertile bone in my body. Plus, my body has done it before. Conceive. Four times with a lot of medical intervention and once where, in a rare moment of planetary alignment and supernatural luck, the forces combined to ensure that there was an egg, a willing sperm cell with a keen sense of direction, a couch and napping children all at the same time. Of course that pregnancy ended really well, but the point is that with enough divine intervention and thinking of England, I apparently can conceive on my own. Do I really want to close off that tiny chance?
And yet, I feel as if I must make a decision. I want my life back and my body back. (My mind is long gone) It is so unfair though. That I have to make this decision. Makes me cross all over again. Infertility: The gift that keeps on giving. It is amazing how something that other people don’t ever give a passing thought to can cause so much anguish in the lives of others. Sigh.
Anyway, if you were me (aren’t you thankful you aren’t!), what would you do? Shut the factory down and get on with your life or keep the rusty machinery going just a bit longer. Just in case? What say you, oh wise and wonderful ones?