You know, the surprise pregnancy in March was the worst thing that could have happened to me. I was so done. I had made peace with never trying again. I thought conceiving by having S E X was impossible, so I never thought about it. Now it is all I think about. Conception that is, not sex.
I don’t know what to do about it all. I know I can’t do another IVF (oh, how I wish I had the money to do another IVF!!) so that is out of the question. If I hadn’t ever conceived naturally I would have said ‘that is it’ and be done with it. But now there is this tiny possibility that is driving me crazy.
I have started using a fertility monitor (given to me by the very lovely Candice from Fertilitree*) to predict my fertile time. Ha. ‘Fertile’ and Tertia don’t go to together. And in case I forget, my little fertility monitor reminds quite succinctly every morning. “YOU ARE NOT FERTILE YOU STUPID ‘HO, HOW MANY DIFFERENT WAYS DO YOU WANT TO HEAR THE SAME MESSAGE”
Yes, yes, I know it means this is not my fertile time right now (as if anytime is), but I started bleeding today. CD11. Good one. Just perfect. Way to make a baby. Well done etc.
I wish I hadn’t bloody got pregnant naturally. That was a particularly cruel mindfuck.
Perhaps I should just give it all up and have the ‘if it happens, it happens’ attitude, but I know myself. That doesn’t work with me. It is impossible for me NOT to think about something. I know I am going to think about it all the time now. It is such a bitch. In all my time of trying to conceive I never equated sex with the possibility of having a baby. Sex was for fun, IVF was for making a baby. Now all of that is all fucked up.
V v v annoying. Very. I will hopefully find some peace in all of this soon. Stop stressing about it. Stop thinking about it. Give it up. Move on. I hope so. Because it is starting to annoy me. Plus I need to know whether I should sell all my baby stuff or keep it! As if that is the most important thing. Really, this shit is stressing me out. Blech.
*If you are in South Africa and looking for
any fertility related products, have a look at Candice’s site. Super quick and efficient service. She has everything there you need. Except mail
order babies – that would have been a nice touch, don’t you think. Bugger the ovulation kits send me one or two of them babies over there.