Toilet Troubles

Not sure if anyone have the same ‘issue’.  It is around using the airplane loo in the middle of flight. Never a pleasant experience to start off with (good lord, those cubicles are small, how anyone ever manages to have a shag in there, I’ll never know. Where the hell do you put your legs? I am sure it is only really tiny people with short limbs who join the Mile High Club), but the whole experience is made worst by my new found airplane loo paranoia.

For years, I never used the in flight loo. Can you actually believe this… I was too shy to walk down the aisle to the loo. Pathetic I know. The thought of everyone facing forward and me walking back towards the loo while they ALL LOOKED AT ME was enough to make me clench through the 2 hours it takes to fly from Johannesburg to Cape Town. Of course on long haul flights I had no choice. But I used to keep it in for as long as possible to minimize the whole LOOKING AT ME thing. 

Can you believe that? Bet none of you will believe this, but I used to be really self-conscious. Silly. I’m much better now. That’s the good bit about getting older. You care less. 

Anyway, as I said, for years I simply clenched to avoid going to the loo on board. But slowly over the last five years or so, I’ve started to care less about what people might think of me and started to realize the value of saving time! Stupid me! Instead of wasting at least five (or 10, depending on the queue) minutes at the airport peeing, I can pee on board and then hit the tarmac running. Duh. Much better.

Well, except for when the plane hits a pocket of turbulence and the seal on the toilet thingy is accidentally ripped open, and besides the oxygen masks being released from the panel above you, the sudden loss of cabin pressure leads to your butt being vacuum-packed against the toilet seat and then you will be stuck there and they will have to cut the toilet off you.

Do you ever think of that? I do. It is very disconcerting and makes it incredibly difficult for me to pee. I start peeing and then with every bump or jolt in the air, I immediately clench midstream and lift my butt off the seat to avoid it getting suctioned to the seat. It is actually quite traumatic. And that is not even to mention the almost unmentionable fear I have of the suction effect being so strong that it ……. Can’t even mention it, too disgustingly terrifying. 

Who knew having a pee would be fraught so much angst? It’s a wonder I can go at all.

Comments

[Karlien]

Very funny post! I never thought of something like that happening.

I will be thinking of this post when we travel next time from Seattle to South Africa. ~11 hours from Seattle to Heathrow and then ~11 hours from Heathrow to Johannesburg! And a LOT of turbulance over some parts of Africa.

Guess I will have to practice my Kiegel exercises before our next visit to SA.

[Liz]

I don't like to use airplane toliet either, it is so tiny, not to mention sometimes I have to take my kids there. It freaks me out when I have to walk to the toliet. I always imagine that is when all hell breaks loose, and here I am walking and get sucked out. Also it freaks me out when in the middle of using it, I see the seat belt sign comes up. Can't you tell I am paranoid? :)

[Coral]

Tertia!! That will NEVER happen. There are 3 safety devices to make sure that a vacumn does not occur! One is USE the toilet seat, it has the cut away in the front for a reason, so air flow occurs. Then there is another air thingy further down the line and one on the tank itself.

The horror story of the little girl who had her 'innards' sucked out was on SAA (remmber Ian works for them, he told me all this gen!). One, she was fat, and lifted the toilet seat, so she sealed the pot so as to speak. Two she flushed when she was still sat down (she was a kid, remember), and then the two other safety aspects failed, the one on the tank I recall was blocked.

So, really, you are more likely to brain yourself than have any other problem on a flight if you continue to 'bob' around! Actually that does leave a pretty funny picture in the mind.

So if you don't want these problems, don't follow above 'little girl rules' and you should be fine.

Still am giggling tho'.
xxx

[mary ann]

I don't pee on airplane rides. I mean, I tried it once, and I didn't like it. Even flying from the US to Europe and back, I did not leave my seat.

[Sister Mel]

Did you know that I am an official member of the mile high club? The lighting in there was worse than the space but we managed to do the deed.
You clearly haven't had natural chilbirth as you can stop your wee mid flow. I will rather take the chance of my fanny being sucked into space than peeing on my leg.

[Heather G]

Adult nappies. That woman in America was a genius, well a bit unhinged but that part of the plan, genius.

[Stay at home Colleen]

Flying to London, got to about Zimbabwe and had to turn back 'cos some man was supposedly ill. Flew all the way back to Joburg, offloaded ill person and then had to get his luggage out and the plane had to re-fuel. In this time everyone decided to have a poo and when the plane is stationary, the poo stays in the loo. Well that was just fabulous going for a wee. Has anyone noticed that your farts don't smell when you are high up? I sit there having huge farts from all the pressure (presumably) and it never smells. If it had to, I would just pull up my nose and look around as if to say "ooh, who did that". Do that all the time when not flying

Did you also know that when someone hits the bucket on a plane, they zip you up in a body bag and put you in a loo and lock the door. And did you know that at the back and behind the captain there are littly tiny doors and under there, there are cabin crew sleeping all the way overseas for the next shift. Useless information, I know.

[Julia]

The other day I went to the pharmacy in the Hypermarket and I saw a product on display. Not sure if it has always been around or if it is new. I forget the name now but it is like a funnel/cone shaped device for ladies and can be used for women who prefer to stand up when they pee. I suppose it could work for you with the whole vacuum fear thingy. In fact, it could work for anyone who has issues with public toilets as well.

[Marcia]

Ooh Julia, must check out that thing at the pharmacy!!!

[Dominique]

Funny! But at least weeing is not as bad as having gastro while you are flying! I have witnessed a woman with this, all the passengers knew she had a runny tummy because she left a little blot of you know what on her WHITE linen pants plus the fact that she was going to the loo every 20 minutes or so. Now that is embarrassing!

[V]

Julia, my friends and I tried out the standing up thingy when camping once. Hilarious!! But it does actually work. If you can get over your performance anxiety and actually wee!!

Thanks, T, I never once thought of having my innards sucked out when using a plane toilet, will now though! Hilarious post and comments!!

[Sammy]

Believe it or not but I have exactly the same anxiety and has never ever used the loo on the plane. Well, the longest flight I have been on has been JHB CT, but still done quite a few of those. I am the one who keeps everyone at the airport waiting cause I HAVE TO GO....

[thrice]

Standing, woman faces toilet, slightly bends towards wall. Man is behind woman. I hope that you can figure out the rest. Thinking about giving Marko another coupon?

[Woody's Girl]

Tertia, you absolutely MUST rent the movie "Tommy Boy" immediately, and watch it this weekend! You will laugh so hard during the "airplane bathroom" scene, you'll never have anxiety again (after all, with what happens to Chris Farley in that scene, what you envision happening to you PALES in comparison! LOL).

Just be glad you aren't trying to change pooey nappies in the airplane bathroom. Had to do that once... yuk. NOT family-friendly.

[Em]

I never thought of this but now I will! On the bright side (I guess), if the suction is that strong, it would probably clean you out better than a colonic. Silver lining and all.

[Joy]

1. Standing-up-to-pee item, a great advance for women, is called the "SaniFem." Sold at camping stores here in the States like REI. I own one but haven't tried it. There is also a sort of leisure catheter called the "Stadium Boy", for men of course; hilariously described by comedian David Sedaris. Maybe you could get a Foley for yourself and a wee, so to speak, chic purse to hide the bag.
2. Innard-sucking and getting-stuck stories seem to be urban legend.

[Abbie]

You will be relieved to know that here in the US, we have a very popular show called Mythbusters that examines urban legends and puts them to the test. They tried out this one, and they found that even if they disabled the safety features so that your butt *could* form a seal, you can still get off the toilet. The vacuum formed is not nearly strong enough that you can't exert some effort and escape.

http://tinyurl.com/28feml

[Leanne]

jeepers - now there's another thing for me to obsess about (nevermind that it shouldn't ever happen - it's enough for my imagination to take hold of!)
I can't walk past everyone to the bathroom either - and I would rather hold it for hours than go - even at a friend's house - especially if I have to ask where the bathroom is. Just the thought that someone knows that I went in there...to pee! Horrors.
I also won't use a porta potty for fear that it will tip over. Come to think of it I have more bathroom issues than I thought.

[Kirby]

Nothing beats the time I had to take my IVF shots midflight. I had it all set up and then we hit turbulence. So yes, I guess my mid to upper belly was a perfectly good place for that dose of Lup.ron.

I am always convinced the plane is going to crash if I go to the potty. As though my weight would affect the flight stability of a 747.

I never used the facilities on a plane until we flew to Israel. 14 hours and a whole lot of chickpeas conspired against me.

We fly to Israel again in about six weeks. Honest to goodness — we're moving overseas and the part I'm most scared of is the flight. :)

[Kirby]

My favorite mythbusting site: http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/toilet.asp

[RainbowW]

get.

a.

grip.

[Anne]

Good thing I wasn't drinking coffee while I read this post--it would be hell trying to clean it all out of my keyboard after I spit it out laughing. :-)

[jill]

I've got one of the lady-can-pee-while-standing things called a "Freshettte". It's like a little funnel that goes into a plastic tube that you can bend to direct. IT's awesome. We go hiking a lot, and I really really don't like my nether regions being close to the ground and touching grass and plants, let alone any creepy crawlies that might jump up on me. So now I can pee while standing and as long as I have a little something to wipe with, I'm all set. And it's way faster than squating.

I think there are even some that are disposable (one use) that you can flush right down the loo.

[Andrea]

ohmigosh. I never heard of anyone being embarrassed to walk the aisle on a plane because people would look at you and realize you are going to pee! Tertia that is just weird, girl. I mean I wouldn't walk the aisle with a maxi-pad or moist towelettes in my hand or anything. For that matter, you can make this easier by walking with a hairbrush in one hand and a tube of lipstick in the other, holding them out obviously, maybe even dropping one and saying loudly, "Damn hairbrush!", because then people would think you were just going to primp. And they would be none the wiser that you have a bladder and a sphincter and an urge to urinate occasionally.

And on the butt/vacuum thing... you funny girl... I don't know how to exactly describe this, BUT, when I sit on an airplane toilet, or any toilet, for that matter, there is an open space above the rim between my legs. My legs aren't clamped together so that the rim is completely covered. The rim would have to be completely covered and sealed by your skin in order for a vacuum to occur. So with the open space, kept open because A) it's comfortable that way and B) need the access to wipe, no vacuum could physically occur.

Have never contemplated these things before.

Hope this helps. *mwah*

[Andrea]

ohmigosh. I never heard of anyone being embarrassed to walk the aisle on a plane because people would look at you and realize you are going to pee! Tertia that is just weird, girl. I mean I wouldn't walk the aisle with a maxi-pad or moist towelettes in my hand or anything. For that matter, you can make this easier by walking with a hairbrush in one hand and a tube of lipstick in the other, holding them out obviously, maybe even dropping one and saying loudly, "Damn hairbrush!", because then people would think you were just going to primp. And they would be none the wiser that you have a bladder and a sphincter and an urge to urinate occasionally.

And on the butt/vacuum thing... you funny girl... I don't know how to exactly describe this, BUT, when I sit on an airplane toilet, or any toilet, for that matter, there is an open space above the rim between my legs. My legs aren't clamped together so that the rim is completely covered. The rim would have to be completely covered and sealed by your skin in order for a vacuum to occur. So with the open space, kept open because A) it's comfortable that way and B) need the access to wipe, no vacuum could physically occur.

Have never contemplated these things before.

Hope this helps. *mwah*

[Andrea]

I am impressed. How did I do that?

[Spacemom]

um, no, never had thoughts like that!

[Jo]

As a card carrying member of the mile high club, I can say with some confidence that the hardest part is getting you and your honey in that bathroom without attracting the attention of the flight attendants and rest of the flight. Works best on long haul flights when people are doing a lot of sleeping. And as for how you ... ahem .. manage to do the deed? Assuming a hetero orientation, man sits on loo (seat down, of course -- you wouldn't want his innards to get sucked out, would you? ;) ), woman sits astride him, facing him. Works just fine.

Now, exiting the bathroom without giving it all away? THAT is hard. :)

[projgen]

Thank you for the much-needed giggle.

I don't pee on flights, because I always get stuck in the window seat, the passenger next to me falls asleep and then I can't get out.

[Becky]

I will think of you whenever I pee on a plane for the rest of my life, I'm sure.

[Robin]

Ha! That's nothing. Try giving yourself shots in an airplane bathroom.

[jodie]

I was with you on the not farting in front of anyone and the not being able to poo with others around (I still wait until DH has gone out) - but my darling you lost me on this one lol!

Check out the travel john: http://www.traveljohn.com/1-1-1.php You can make yourself a tent with the airling blanket and pee away in your seat ;)

[Les]

The thing I always freak out about is going to the toilet on the train. Now going to the toilet on the bus is okay cos you lock it the normal way and you know it's locked, but on the train you press a button to lock the door and a button to open it (it's a sliding door)... I'm always worried that someone from the outside is going to press the button to open it and something will go wrong and the door will slide open.

As for planes, I know what you mean but haven't been on one for nearly 7 years so I can't really remember too much.

[beck]

ROFL! You are hilarious. Thanks for the laugh!

[Judy]

Too funny, Tertia. YOu always make me smile!

[Suzie-Q.]

PML!
and, noooooooooo, i never did it in an airplane bathroom. Ewwwwwwwwwww! Too gross in there for me!

[Amy]

I'm with you on the mile high club silliness! I can think of many, many, many more pleasurable locales to get it on. A smelly toilet stall is NOT one of them!

Recently did two nine hour flights. Peed 3x on each. Funny but did not feel the anxiety you did. Frankly it was a nice break to get up and stretch my legs (and empty the old bladder.) My only anxiety came when the guy on the aisle fell asleep for a looooong time and I really had to go. Let me tell you the second he opened his eyes I was squiggling out of my seat!

[angel]

ph my word... i'm flying in two weeks time and now i won't be able to go either! granted it'll be short flight so i can go before and after, but everytime someone walks past me this is going to go through my head!

[kristylynne]

Personally, I don't like the way airplane lavs smell. They smell like port-a-potties. Does anyone ever clean them? And then you have to wash your hands with that water in there that's clearly marked "non-potable." What, does it have e coli in it? So you end up using a dirty, smelly lav, and then they don't even have clean water so you can wash up afterward. Yech.

Last time I flew, which was a few weeks ago, I was coming down with a urinary tract infection. So I spent more time in the airplane lav than anyone rightly should. It was not pleasant.

[Beth]

Dude, just the thought of the airplane toilet sucking my arse is enough to never use it ever! I am cringing. I fully realize that my arse would not even fit but rationality goes out the window when you are imagining being sucked bare assed out of an airplane, ya know?

[Gen]

OMG - I had such a chuckle reading this post!!!! I suffer from "kak-huis" stress........Big Time. I cannot go to the loo if anyone else is around or with me. I flew to Atlanta, Georgia without peeing and after a 7 hour stopover (still without peeing) flew to Vegas and only once I got to my hotel room did I go to the loo!!!!!!!!(after being in transit for about 33 hours) Stupid I guess but that is just how it is and it does not get better for me - I will probably die one day from "knuiping"! hehehehehe

[Ali]

Wait - I'm confused. Why not just hover over the seat and pee? it never ocurred to me to sit on the airplane seat because of the ick. didn't even realize i was saving my innards. I guess i just never sit on the seat in public unless i am having a major bodily issue.

[Gef the talking mongoose]

Here's a horror story for you. It happened on a cruise ship, not a plane, but it still gives me the shivers.
My aunt was on a cruise about ten years ago (I forget where she went) and a large woman passenger had her innards sucked out by a defective toilet. The poor traumatized thing actually WENT TO BED WITH HER INNARDS HANGING OUT and was found by a cabin attendant in the morning in an absolutely wretched state.
Apparently her fanny made a tight seal around the toilet seat and when she flushed while sitting down, the suction yanked her innards out.
Why anyone would flush while sitting down is beyond me. I always wipe, rise, close the lid and then flush. No demon toilet is going to yank out my innards.

[midlife mommy]

Would your butt really be suctioned to the seat? Never thought of that.