Tomorrow I will be using the first of my home pregnancy tests. I have four. One for each morning until Monday, when I go for the blood test. I am pretty sure it will come up as negative. Not only is it too early to see a result, but I pretty sure this cycle hasn’t worked. FET’s never work for me.
I feel….kind of ok about it, and kind of sad. Sad because I really want another baby and sad because this really is my last ART (assisted reproductive technology) cycle. I am not doing another one after this. I am really, really tired of the hormones and the injections and living my life in limbo. I want to reclaim my body and my life again.
I’ve tried to be realistic about this cycle. I keep reminding myself that it probably won’t work. In fact, the odds are 90% it won’t work. Hard to argue those odds, but that 10% chance keeps fuelling my hope addict. The wistful, hopeful dreams of another child keep slipping through the forced stoicism, teasing me with the hope. I am trying so hard to be strong, brave, realistic; but dammit, I so badly want this to work.
I’ll be sad if it doesn’t work, of course I will. But no where near as sad and heartbroken as I was before Adam and Kate. They complete my life. I am so lucky. So, if it doesn’t work, I will be ok. Sad, but ok.
Still. I really want it to work.
Have Faith! If you believe that it didn't work, it won't work...I believe in God, Jesus and Mary..and the bible..the bible says that if you believe that what you are asking for is yours, than it shall be yours.
I believe that you are pregnant. :)
Posted by: Jennifer | 28 June 2007 at 08:37 PM
And yet there are plenty of infertile religious people...
Am crossing my bits for you, Tertia.
Posted by: Orange | 28 June 2007 at 08:51 PM
Guess you wouldn't mind playing Briar Rose till Monday, hm?
You've beaten the odds so many times in so many respects... As far as I'm concerned, I'll keep my fingers crossed until there's a definite answer. :o)
Posted by: Ute | 28 June 2007 at 08:58 PM
I hope it works, too.
Posted by: kay | 28 June 2007 at 09:09 PM
I'm keeping up hope for you, but am glad that you have some sense of peace about the whole thing. Those screamers of yours are mighty precious indeed, and while it would be nice to give them someone else to scream at, they are a whole world of happiness unto themselves. We always want more of the good things we have in life - it's what makes us human! Hugs to you.
Posted by: silene | 28 June 2007 at 09:17 PM
I'm hoping along with you. It's time for more good things to happen to Tertia.
Posted by: Summer | 28 June 2007 at 09:25 PM
I'm quietly hoping for you, but I guarantee that if it does work you'll hear me yelling all the way from here.
Posted by: Robin from Israel | 28 June 2007 at 09:36 PM
EVerything is crossed for you, darling. I'm only allowing good thoughts at this time.
Posted by: 21stCenturyMom | 28 June 2007 at 09:38 PM
I too suffer from a hope addict. (Damn bitch. Won't. You. Shut. The. F. Up???)
Perhaps this is just going to be the most symptomattic free pregnancy for you? The twins knocked out all your nausea and stuff? Or perhaps they have made you so tired you don't have the energy left to feel preggers.
No sense borrowing trouble. Right. I hate that sentence. You can't borrow it because really, where are you supposed to return it TO?
Play with Kate and Adam and just be happy in your own way. We'll all love you regardless. Just DON'T BE NAUGHTY, MUMMEY! :P
hugs,
Suz, the single thirty sumthin in the USA who thinks you're too cool for sharing your journey with the rest of us.
Posted by: Suzi in NC | 28 June 2007 at 09:52 PM
I'm thinking of you. I'm looking into my own FET to start soon and think to myself the same things, I will be sad if it doesnt' work but having my dear baby girl makes it a little less daunting. Take care of yourself. If it doesn't work...think of the wine you shall have!
Posted by: louise | 28 June 2007 at 10:43 PM
All my best, Tertia. I hope it works out for all of you.
Posted by: Cricket | 28 June 2007 at 11:04 PM
As painful as it is, I am closing that door as well. After a lengthy and tearful 2 hour discussion with my husband we decided that 11 years is just long enough. I don't know how many more times I can let my heart break. The only problem is that I don't know how NOT to try to have a baby.
Posted by: Liv | 28 June 2007 at 11:26 PM
Sending many thoughts your way...
Posted by: Anjali | 29 June 2007 at 12:08 AM
I am going to be hopeful for you.
And I remember you thought you weren't pregnant with Adam and Kate, no? Something about wine and cigarette at lunch?
The odds suck, but I hope you beat them one more time.
Keeping bits crossed.
Posted by: JuliaKB | 29 June 2007 at 12:15 AM
I really hope it works out for you, I really do :) That said, we will all be here for you if it doesn't, cracking open bottles of wine to commiserate with you ;) (No, I really will.)
Posted by: Amy | 29 June 2007 at 12:59 AM
I want it to work for you so badly. You can be as negative and pissed as you want, I'll be hopeful and pray for you.
Won't stop praying til doctor says whether it worked.
Here's a thought to sidetrack your mind, if Kate had a blog, what do you think she'd say? (or scream).
Posted by: June | 29 June 2007 at 01:29 AM
I myself always think the worst so I don't get my hopes up. Even though I get my hopes up anyway and feel horrible after if it doesn't work out. I hope you don't get to feel horrible. Maybe it will be another set of twins??? ;)
Posted by: cristy | 29 June 2007 at 01:31 AM
Whatever the results, please look after yourself.
Of course I'm so hoping you'll get the BFP (and all that it brings with it!)If it doesn't work, please know that we are all extending our arms around you in a huge (cyber) hug.
xxxxx
Posted by: kerry | 29 June 2007 at 01:42 AM
I seem to recall that you *knew* you weren't pregnant with K&A either. Something about drinking wine and smoking a ciggie when the doctor called with the beta?? I'm just saying....
Posted by: TexMex | 29 June 2007 at 02:01 AM
FETs don't seem to work for me either unfortunately, I had 5 last year, all neg. We're looking at doing a natural FET in July, but I so know the feelings you are having at the moment. I really hope you are wrong, often we look for signs far too early and hang our hope on that.
All the best for your POAS tomorrow, wishing you success.
Louise.
Posted by: louise | 29 June 2007 at 02:37 AM
Hope you are wrong. I really do. +++++
Posted by: Amber | 29 June 2007 at 03:30 AM
T., you are not 90% likely not to get PG... you are 10% likely TO get PG!!!!
The glass is not 90% empty, it is 10% full...
My glass was only 10% full and now it is overflowing.
Sending sticky vibes.
xoxo
Posted by: Suzie-Q. | 29 June 2007 at 05:01 AM
chin up; don't think the worst before you know. There is no reason it won't work! I really hope it does! All the best
xxx
Posted by: juliette | 29 June 2007 at 05:39 AM
I understand that you have to prepare yourself for the likelihood of a negative. But I feel free to HOPE hard for you. I really want this to work for you, too. Hoping and praying,
Posted by: SheilaC | 29 June 2007 at 05:49 AM
It would be so lovely for you.
Posted by: Simone | 29 June 2007 at 05:59 AM
Best of luck, dear T. I'll never stop wishing for a third myself. If I were younger and the marriage were solid, I'd be doing the same thing. I hope it works out for you and have everything crossed that can be.
Posted by: artemisia | 29 June 2007 at 06:27 AM
I hope that it *does* work. It is pretty sucky not to have what you really want, even if you do have two beautiful children.
Posted by: Geohde | 29 June 2007 at 06:55 AM
STOP LOOKING FOR PREGNANCY SYMPTOMS!! There probably aren't high enough hormone levels yet to be causing any signs! It is too early!
Keeping everything crossed for you! How would you feel about another set of twins??
Posted by: Kirstyphysio | 29 June 2007 at 08:51 AM
These feelings are exactly why I am so thankful for my hysterectomy. I am so sure I would have gone back to that hell again.
Sorry it was negative. :(
Posted by: Sandi | 03 July 2007 at 05:32 AM