Tomorrow I will be using the first of my home pregnancy tests. I have four. One for each morning until Monday, when I go for the blood test. I am pretty sure it will come up as negative. Not only is it too early to see a result, but I pretty sure this cycle hasn’t worked. FET’s never work for me.
I feel….kind of ok about it, and kind of sad. Sad because I really want another baby and sad because this really is my last ART (assisted reproductive technology) cycle. I am not doing another one after this. I am really, really tired of the hormones and the injections and living my life in limbo. I want to reclaim my body and my life again.
I’ve tried to be realistic about this cycle. I keep reminding myself that it probably won’t work. In fact, the odds are 90% it won’t work. Hard to argue those odds, but that 10% chance keeps fuelling my hope addict. The wistful, hopeful dreams of another child keep slipping through the forced stoicism, teasing me with the hope. I am trying so hard to be strong, brave, realistic; but dammit, I so badly want this to work.
I’ll be sad if it doesn’t work, of course I will. But no where near as sad and heartbroken as I was before Adam and Kate. They complete my life. I am so lucky. So, if it doesn’t work, I will be ok. Sad, but ok.
Still. I really want it to work.