The bean jar married sex theory

Long before I got married, a (male) friend of mine shared his theory on marriage (or any long term committed relationship) with me. It was this:

 
When you meet someone new, someone you think you might end up getting serious about, go out and get yourself a jar and a big packet of beans. Then, every time you shag, put one of the beans in the jar. Carry on doing that until you get married.

 

After your wedding night and once you are back from your honeymoon, take that full jar of beans out again. From then on, remove a single bean for each time you have sex with your partner. You’ll never empty that jar again.

 My friend was mostly full of shit, but his theory on sex and marriage isn’t far from the truth. Nothing seems to dampen that old libido like Long Term Commitment. And I want to know why.

Why is it that when we meet someone new, we can’t get enough of them and we are putting beans in that jar at a rate of knots. We shag any where, every where and all the time. But as soon as we’ve been together for a while, the lid hardly ever comes off that old bean jar. Where as before all we needed was a wink and a nudge and a spot that wouldn’t get you arrested, now you can only do it if you aren’t feeling too fat / sick / bloated / angry / irritated / sad / premenstrual / head achey / out of sync with the planetary alignment. If it isn’t Saturday morning and everything is exactly as it should be, it ain’t gonna happen.

Why does it seem like sex in a long term relationship is a lot like going to gym? Getting yourself there seems like SUCH a mission. It seems like such an effort getting into the gym spirit, there are a million other things you think you should be doing (sleeping! Tidying up! Killing your husband!). But once you are there you have the most fabulous time and afterwards you say to yourself ‘Damn that was fun! Must do it more often’. You get that wonderful endorphin rush and you feel all gorgeous and sexy and then …. well, then life happens and you forget how divine it makes you feel and the next time your gym partner gives you the wink and nudge you want to knock his bloody head off his shoulders BECAUSE CAN’T HE SEE THAT YOU ARE TOO TIRED / TOO HOT / REALLY UPSET??? 

Why do we do that? Sex is great! We love sex! We love our partners and we even love having sex with them!  Then why aren’t we doing it as much as we used to when we first met? 

I was chatting to my girlfriends about this and all the usual arguments came up:

We are tired (they are too, they still want to shag!)

We don’t feel as great about ourselves as we used to (they don’t care! They STILL want to shag, even if we are a little broader / softer / greyer! They still want us, thank goodness.)

It’s the kids (they have kids too, but they still want to shag)

We get irritated with them for not doing enough housework / not being attentive enough / breathing (they get irritated with us too, but they still want to shag!)

They are not as romantic as they used to be (they will do romance if it will means more shagging! Will it mean more shagging??)

There isn’t enough time (They will make time! Have you got five minutes?)

We are angry with them (Well then! Let’s shag to make up!)

They are wired to want sex more than we do (But when we first met you wanted to shag just as often as I did? What the hell happened to that wiring?)

That was then. You’ve changed (So have you! Still wanna shag you though)

It isn’t Saturday morning, what on earth is that thing poking in my back??!! (“According to the Durex survey most people are having sex 3.5 times a week”. “People lie on that survey, now go back to sleep”)

I don’t know what it is. I really don’t. I love my husband dearly. I still think he is very attractive. Sex with him today is even better than it was all those years ago and even way back then it was pretty damn fantastic. He doesn’t even irritate me that much. Not often anyway. And yet, in spite of all of that, I still think once a week is a perfectly acceptable number.  (And anyway, I am sure those people on the Durex survey lie. Who the hell is having that much sex??)

Why are you having less sex than you used to? Is it really just the fact that you have less time and opportunity? It is really just about the kids / stress / lifestyle? Don’t those things apply to our partners as well? Or is it more than that? Aren’t just about all the reasons we so readily give equally applicable to our partners, and yet they seem to be want to do it as much as they used to. What the hell happened to our libidos? What happened to any where, every where and all the time?  Why was it so much easier to fill that bean jar than it is to empty it?

I am really interested to hear your real reasons for why you are having less sex than you used to. You are welcome to post anonymously if you want.

Of course you might be one of those annoying bastards who skew the stats lucky few who are still doing it as often as you did when you first met.  How on earth do you manage that? Tell me your secret.

One last thing: Isn’t it funny. As much as I ‘complain’ about Marko wanting do it more often than I do, I would FAR rather have it this way around than me wanting to do it more than he did. Isn’t that hypocritical. I want him to want me, just not too often.

Comments

[Anonymous For Today]

My ex husband and I were down to once a month-or-two. Why? Because (1) it was not that enjoyable, and really wasn't even from the beginning, (2) I was deeply angry at him for a lot of things, and (3) he had some issues with sex that, frankly, creeped me out and made me feel kind of icky when he'd approach me.

He literally used to say "Where has the magic gone"? That made me want to kill him.

Thus, he is my EX. :)

[Katerina]

I've been married for seven years. In the beginning we were doing it anywhere up to six times a day/night! That's no longer even possible - we just don't have the time or physical stamina for it!!

We do average 5 or so times a week though. I can't tell you the secret - I don't know why. Matching libidos is the best I can come up with. That or I've got the whole hypersexuality thing going with my BP2!!

Don't you prefer a good shag to end the day with though? If I don't do that, then I'll just lay in bed thinking of all the things I have to do the next day, what bills are due etc. A shag helps clear the mind and I fall asleep pretty easily afterwards. (And my hubby is pretty darn good at it, too!)

[Wendyg]

Hi Tertia,

You have hit the nail on the head with this one.
My hubby and I are exactly the same. Before we were married, we couldn't get enough of each other,
and now after a couple of years of marriage, and baby, things have changed. I would also be quite happy with once a week, and I try to keep it interesting for him, but he would like it every day if he could. My libido also has disappeared into the sunset, particularly after having my baby. I think besides the hormones changing, it is mental for me too. I have to be in the right frame of mind, and having the house and kid to see to, I put sex at the end of my priority list. My hubby on the other hand will still put sex first, and then the other things come second. Maybe it's just a man-thing. Also, I don't always see myself as a sex-goddess, what with the body changes and change of self-image being a Mom now. I always swore it wouldn't happen to me, but it has! It is wonderful still being wanted, but can be an "inconvenience" sometimes. Sounds terrible, doesn't it?
I don't have any advice, as I need some myself, so I'll be very interested to see what everyone else has to say. At the end of the day though, I think sex is very important in a marriage, and you have to work at it (sounds like hard work to me), but I suppose we have to accept that men are wired that way permanently. Men will want to have sex until it is physically impossible for them to do it anymore, and I think us girls would be quite happy with the memories, and rather being intimate in different ways. PS: I love your blog, I read it every day, and it reminds me that I am not alone in the normal "problems" that we all face.

[Heather G]

Could it partly be because the children fill a lot of the need for intimacy and touch that we (women) crave and get out of sex. I read that somewhere and it certainly made me think.
We're coming up to 20 years and it has been a bit of feast and famine over that time.

[Mary]

We are coming up on our 19th anniversary. I am lucky to get sex once a year. I would like it more often, but my husband has no interest, and doesn't want to talk about it. He's not having an affair. Other than this, we get along pretty well. He is my first and only, and sometimes I wish I'd gotten a bit more before I settled down, if this is all I'm going to get.

[AnonAnon]

I think the newness of it wears off after a while. "a while" depends on who's defining it. For me personally, the reasons are multiple.

*The newness and novelty isn't there anymore.
*Cancer treatments sucked my libido dry.
*Gave birth to 2 kids. Chasing after 2 toddlers...
*Tired doing all the chores and would rather unwind by myself or sleep at the end of the day.
*He irritates all the same as before, but now it takes me longer to "let it go" simply because after being together for 8 yrs now, he should know me better and should know how to be in-sync with me. And I can't do it if I haven't "let it go".

BUT

Sex is good. Must do more...

[anonymous]

it's not just an 'us girls' vs those randy husbands thing! we're two women in a relationship and i would be happy to have sex waaaay more often than my partner. (and i am sure there are plenty of women out there who wished their husbands put out more too.)

i think what happens is that when you first get together you are all full of lovey-dovey hormones that get the libido raging. after you've been together for a while that all settles down, and your respective libidos return to their native state. sadly, they often don't match up. that's why you have to work at finding a compromise position - shag a little more than the low libido partner would like, and a little less than the high libido parter would prefer. that's kinda what we do, and it mostly works out ok - when i feel frustrated i remind myself what an awesome relationship we have and how much having a slightly frustrated libido is worth the love, support, companionship, fun, and all around good times that we have together.

[Rosiep]

I also need advice so I am looking forward to reading all the comments.

For some reason our sex life also changed after our baby was born. We are still trying to figure this one out. My husband has always said that you have to do today, what you did yesterday to keep tomorrow, but we are also having great difficulty getting back to that.

[kirstyphysio]

I think it can be compared to a new toy! Just like your kids love their new toys at first, and play with them non stop - eventually they grow tired of them and play with them less and less. However - they have their favourites that they keep coming back to, and treasure. These are the "toys" that we marry! We play with them less often, but still love them and love playing with them! The novelty has just worn off a bit, but that has lead to a deeper relationship! If they weren't special, they would have been dumped in the toy box with the rest and sent to the charity shop!
BTW - this is just for illustration purposes! I only have 1 toy - and don't support the notion of playing with other toys whilst commited to one! I am very faithful to my toy!

[mare_imbrium]

"One last thing: Isn’t it funny. As much as I ‘complain’ about Marko wanting do it more often than I do, I would FAR rather have it this way around than me wanting to do it more than he did. Isn’t that hypocritical. I want him to want me, just not too often."

Very interesting that you put it that way. In June it will be 11 years since we started dating, 5 years since we got married. For almost that entire time, we have been "backwards" - I wanted to do it more often than he did. Then when our second child was a baby my sex drive ground to a halt. Not only did I NEVER want to do it I felt like every time he touched me it was only because he wanted to have sex - it actually started making me uncomfortable and upset for him to touch me at all. I don't know why it happened, and I felt terribly bad about it. But even as bad as I felt, I still didn't want to have sex - during that time it would take literally an hour or two just to get me comfortable enough to even think about it. And as I'm sure you're aware, couples with two small children don't have hours to devote to sex. So, it was hard. It was worse because I knew how he felt - it made me both super guilty AND a little vengeful (a sort of "aaaw, I don't want to have sex? Welcome to the past decade of my life! How's it feel, jerk?). I am not proud of that feeling, but I have a lot of years of frustration on my part. My second child is now 15 months old and the balance is slowly shifting back to what is normal for us.

I'm not even sure how I feel about it - any of it. Our past, what happened last year, etc. I mean, I would have thought it would be a GREAT feeling to know that he really wanted me, but instead it bothered me and made me upset. Sometimes I wonder how things would be in our sex life if we still didn't have any kids. My oldest will be 4 (also in June) and during that time our sex life has definitely changed, pretty profoundly in fact. Trying to find time to have sex is now so difficult that it has become the new focus, so to speak. We seem to fight less about our uneven sex drives - it kind of takes a backset to just being able to have sex at all. Not that there aren't obviously still issues, but the kids are definitely a distraction.

But back to what you said in your post, about not wanting it the other way? I will say the other way sucks. But from what I felt/witnessed when I lost my drive last year, that way sucks too.

[curlgurl]

This could be a conversation going on in my head too. Libido, or in my case the lack thereof is the bane of my life. I have tried to analyse "why", or what the hell happened to it, but there are no clear cut answers. Once a week would also suit me fine - as much fun as it is! My husband would be happy with once a day. That also brings around another pressure of a different kind - you don't want to disapoint/turn him down; but there are just those times when you would rather clean up the projectile vomit of a screaming baby than have sex!! (Although that is a bit of an extreme example, I'm sure you all know what I mean!!)

I read somewhere recently (or it may have been wishfuil thinking!?!) that scientists are working on a pill which both increases libido, and increases metabolism! So shagging while losing weight - now there is something worth inventing!!

And while we're talking about it, there should be a law against irresponsible statements made by condom-selling assholes - 3.5 times a week!!! Give us a break!

[Roz]

Hey Tertia

The BBC recently did an article about a study that mentions this...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4790313.stm

I just copied the most interesting bit of the article
***

Dr Dietrich Klusmann, lead author of the study and a psychologist from Hamburg-Eppendorf University Hospital, believed the differences were down to human evolution.

He said: "For men, a good reason their sexual motivation to remain constant would be to guard against being cuckolded by another male."

But women, he said, have evolved to have a high sex drive when they are initially in a relationship in order to form a "pair bond" with their partner.

But, once this bond is sealed a woman's sexual appetite declines, he added.

He said animal behaviour studies suggest this could be because females may be diverting their sexual interest towards other men, in order to secure the best combinations of genetic material for their offspring.

Or, he said, this could be because limiting sex may boost their partner's interest in it.
***

[Cheryl]

I agree with the comment that sometimes all our needs for physical touch have been met and/or exceeded by our children. I'm sick of being accidentally groped, having people pull on my arm, jump on my back, slide down my legs - the last thing I want after a day like that is to get turned on and make my skin hypersensitive to touch. I also have the problem that sex doesn't send me to sleep, it wakes me up. Since I usually don't go to bed until I'm draggingly exhausted I really don't want at that point to get jiggy and then spend the next two hours tossing and turning or getting sucked into a good book.

[Dilly]

I think the pill can have a lot to do with a decrease in sex drive too as I noticed a definite increase in my desire when I came off it. Having said that I am an every day girl by choice and I want it more than my boyfriend does. I would much prefer it the other way round though because I can't think how it ever reached the point where I have to blag a chap for a shag! I am only 27 though and have no kids so perhaps that would cool me off a bit.

[Tripsmom]

Can't agree with you more Tertia, once the triplets are in bed and all other daily chores are done I am exhausted and I feel as if sex is just another chore - Saturday mornings or Sunday mornings with Barney singing in the background is what our "romantic" moment is. But I have decided to make a concerted effort for a mid week romp in the bed - usually proceeded by a "date night". Maybe you should end your date night this way too. Anyway you're marriage is no different from any other persons - so dont dispair.

[Ann]

None of the above. The answer is very simple: we take it for granted that it is always there whenever we need/want it, so we don't make an effort to pursue it.

[Jeanne]

There's a great book called Tantric Orgasm for Women by Diane Richardson (an ex South African!!) which really explains a lot about what goes on for women from many of the angles mentioned above.

My personal view is that women loose touch with their bodies and experience things in life which shut down their sexual vibrancy. This can range from abuse to medication to depression to tiredness to poor-body-image etc. Whatever the cause, the way to reverse the effects of those things is purely and simply to reconnect with your body. This may mean working through the in-built holding patterns and tensions that no amount of right thinking or planning, will get you out of. Or it may mean teaching your partner how to touch you in a way that goes much deeper than the surface and which can fascilitate the healing required. Any form of emobodiment therapy is also an excellent solution (eg. Hoffman therapy)

For those of you lucky enough to live in the US, try http://www.radiantembodiment.com/main.shtml
Sabine has some great articles available on her site as well. I so wish I could attend some of her workshops.

[Robin from Israel]

I think it's because it's simply always there. There's no reason not to give in to the "too tired/too bloated/too whatever", because you know you can always try again tomorrow.

We're coming up on 16 years, and it is sometimes a real struggle to make sex a priority. Ok, in all honesty it's never a priority, but to at least make it something less than last.

[CariP]

My dear hubby works nights and I work days...I'm asleep when he gets home (and there's no waking me up) and he's alseep when I get up. I'm sure he'd be willing in the AM before I leave for work, but then I'd have to get up at 3:30am and thus far, I haven't been willing to do that! Plus, the poor dear needs his sleep to care for the 4 year old all day and work his 2 jobs! A real conundrum. We are looking forward to next fall and the promise and Kindergarten (for the 4 year old) and day work (for him) and the prospect of seeing each other awake for more than 2.5 seconds a day.

That's my excuse this week anyway...

[June Heller]

I think that the whole infertility mess can really do a number on the old sex drive. I had to really work on keeping up with sex when I was really disappointed that it wasn't ending up in a baby. The IUI and IVF process made it even worse, don't do it these days, do it with condoms on this or that drug, and then come in on this day, and use this strange little room to work his stuff out and bring it on into this other room, and maybe we'll make you a baby. It's all SO SEXY.

Then the disappointment after the two week wait, or getting over this or that miscarriage, ugh. Sex and babymaking are intertwined, and it's hard to maintain a great sex life when I feel like we're failing at babymaking.

I pretty much try to do it every other night regardless of how tired I am (remember, I don't have children...yet). Its so important to my husband. I think of it as husband maintence, rotate the tires, fill the oil, do it every other night. It really works, he's much better behaved and very helpful when he gets it regularly, and by staying regular, I'm in the mood much more often than some of my friends who do it when they feel like it (which is next to never). Your gym analogy is a great one, because I think the same thing goes for the gym, it's a lot more enjoyable and easier to go out and do a 5K on a Saturday morning when I have been training regularly!!!

By the way, we've been "on a break" from fertility treatments until next fall, and I just got pregnant naturally. We've had it happen before, but that was over 2 years ago, before we started infertility treatments (one miscarriage, one ectopic). We're praying this little chicken hatches.

[Julia]

OK. I have the opposite experience. We have been married for 7 years. We have one child (age 5) and another one on the way. I need it more than my husband. I really love my body and all its imperfections and am comfortable within myself. I think that this makes all the difference. He has told me that he understands that I'm extremely sexual (always have been) but that he really cannot do it every night. It wasn't always like this though. I went through various types of contraceptive before it was discovered that I can't have too much estrogen as this affects my libido. Fortunately this issue has now been resolved but now my husband is not able to keep up with me. He did take me vibrator shopping though. But I actually want him. I think he's hot and I've told him this. And he really enjoys it when we are at it. I'm even more sexual during my pregnancies but at the moment I'm lucky to get it once a weekend.
Don't know anymore.

[Katy]

It's just so hard to keep up to when you've got 400 other things on the go. I'm exactly like you, once I do it I think "WOW must do that more often!" but then as soon as I snuggle into bed I'm fast asleep. I really try and make an effort now because with the ex we never, ever had sex and he told me that was the reason he broke up with me. The charmer! Also I think I get a bit touched out with the babies all over me all day. I just want to shout at them all LEAVE ME ALONE and go sit on my own.

[Shandra]

Our sex drives are pretty well matched, although that doesn't mean in a given 6-mo period we're both at exactly the same point. We've been married 13 years and that's a lot of data on our sex drives. :)

That said, our frequency has gone down since having our son. It probably averages out around twice a week, but it really does come in clusters - for two weeks we'll be working like mad and then the third weekend it's sex whenever the baby's sleeping.

The vast majority of that is logistics: is the baby asleep? are you working tonight? (he works most nights and I work some nights, both from home) damn the nanny is coming tomorrow I need to vaccuum, etc. Right now it's gardening season here in Canada. Once everything's planted and mulched and our muscles are not so achy... hee.

Some of it though really is that we are just at a different phase of our lives than the mad hot sex phase.

I do think sex is important but for us (again, not for everyone) it really is just one aspect of our lives, albeit a great one, and right now our life is intensively about making our now-extended family of three work. We know that as our son (and other sib, if we have one) gets older we'll have more time, not less, to throw into our sexual life. And we look forward to that. :)

[anon]

I think June Heller has a really important point -- you have to have sex to want to have sex. We are in a slow patch right now and I know I have to push myself to have sex more so that I will want it more.

[Andrea]

Did you know that the little story your friend told you about the bean jar, *used* to go:

"Put a bean in a jar for each time you have sex your FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE, then after your first anniversary, start taking a bean out each time you have sex. You'll never empty it."

My, how times have changed that unmarried couples are so intimately familiar that they are sexually bored with each other by the wedding night. :-\