The bean jar married sex theory

Long before I got married, a (male) friend of mine shared his theory on marriage (or any long term committed relationship) with me. It was this:

 
When you meet someone new, someone you think you might end up getting serious about, go out and get yourself a jar and a big packet of beans. Then, every time you shag, put one of the beans in the jar. Carry on doing that until you get married.

 

After your wedding night and once you are back from your honeymoon, take that full jar of beans out again. From then on, remove a single bean for each time you have sex with your partner. You’ll never empty that jar again.

 My friend was mostly full of shit, but his theory on sex and marriage isn’t far from the truth. Nothing seems to dampen that old libido like Long Term Commitment. And I want to know why.

Why is it that when we meet someone new, we can’t get enough of them and we are putting beans in that jar at a rate of knots. We shag any where, every where and all the time. But as soon as we’ve been together for a while, the lid hardly ever comes off that old bean jar. Where as before all we needed was a wink and a nudge and a spot that wouldn’t get you arrested, now you can only do it if you aren’t feeling too fat / sick / bloated / angry / irritated / sad / premenstrual / head achey / out of sync with the planetary alignment. If it isn’t Saturday morning and everything is exactly as it should be, it ain’t gonna happen.

Why does it seem like sex in a long term relationship is a lot like going to gym? Getting yourself there seems like SUCH a mission. It seems like such an effort getting into the gym spirit, there are a million other things you think you should be doing (sleeping! Tidying up! Killing your husband!). But once you are there you have the most fabulous time and afterwards you say to yourself ‘Damn that was fun! Must do it more often’. You get that wonderful endorphin rush and you feel all gorgeous and sexy and then …. well, then life happens and you forget how divine it makes you feel and the next time your gym partner gives you the wink and nudge you want to knock his bloody head off his shoulders BECAUSE CAN’T HE SEE THAT YOU ARE TOO TIRED / TOO HOT / REALLY UPSET??? 

Why do we do that? Sex is great! We love sex! We love our partners and we even love having sex with them!  Then why aren’t we doing it as much as we used to when we first met? 

I was chatting to my girlfriends about this and all the usual arguments came up:

We are tired (they are too, they still want to shag!)

We don’t feel as great about ourselves as we used to (they don’t care! They STILL want to shag, even if we are a little broader / softer / greyer! They still want us, thank goodness.)

It’s the kids (they have kids too, but they still want to shag)

We get irritated with them for not doing enough housework / not being attentive enough / breathing (they get irritated with us too, but they still want to shag!)

They are not as romantic as they used to be (they will do romance if it will means more shagging! Will it mean more shagging??)

There isn’t enough time (They will make time! Have you got five minutes?)

We are angry with them (Well then! Let’s shag to make up!)

They are wired to want sex more than we do (But when we first met you wanted to shag just as often as I did? What the hell happened to that wiring?)

That was then. You’ve changed (So have you! Still wanna shag you though)

It isn’t Saturday morning, what on earth is that thing poking in my back??!! (“According to the Durex survey most people are having sex 3.5 times a week”. “People lie on that survey, now go back to sleep”)

I don’t know what it is. I really don’t. I love my husband dearly. I still think he is very attractive. Sex with him today is even better than it was all those years ago and even way back then it was pretty damn fantastic. He doesn’t even irritate me that much. Not often anyway. And yet, in spite of all of that, I still think once a week is a perfectly acceptable number.  (And anyway, I am sure those people on the Durex survey lie. Who the hell is having that much sex??)

Why are you having less sex than you used to? Is it really just the fact that you have less time and opportunity? It is really just about the kids / stress / lifestyle? Don’t those things apply to our partners as well? Or is it more than that? Aren’t just about all the reasons we so readily give equally applicable to our partners, and yet they seem to be want to do it as much as they used to. What the hell happened to our libidos? What happened to any where, every where and all the time?  Why was it so much easier to fill that bean jar than it is to empty it?

I am really interested to hear your real reasons for why you are having less sex than you used to. You are welcome to post anonymously if you want.

Of course you might be one of those annoying bastards who skew the stats lucky few who are still doing it as often as you did when you first met.  How on earth do you manage that? Tell me your secret.

One last thing: Isn’t it funny. As much as I ‘complain’ about Marko wanting do it more often than I do, I would FAR rather have it this way around than me wanting to do it more than he did. Isn’t that hypocritical. I want him to want me, just not too often.

Comments

[Anonymous For Today]

My ex husband and I were down to once a month-or-two. Why? Because (1) it was not that enjoyable, and really wasn't even from the beginning, (2) I was deeply angry at him for a lot of things, and (3) he had some issues with sex that, frankly, creeped me out and made me feel kind of icky when he'd approach me.

He literally used to say "Where has the magic gone"? That made me want to kill him.

Thus, he is my EX. :)

[Katerina]

I've been married for seven years. In the beginning we were doing it anywhere up to six times a day/night! That's no longer even possible - we just don't have the time or physical stamina for it!!

We do average 5 or so times a week though. I can't tell you the secret - I don't know why. Matching libidos is the best I can come up with. That or I've got the whole hypersexuality thing going with my BP2!!

Don't you prefer a good shag to end the day with though? If I don't do that, then I'll just lay in bed thinking of all the things I have to do the next day, what bills are due etc. A shag helps clear the mind and I fall asleep pretty easily afterwards. (And my hubby is pretty darn good at it, too!)

[Wendyg]

Hi Tertia,

You have hit the nail on the head with this one.
My hubby and I are exactly the same. Before we were married, we couldn't get enough of each other,
and now after a couple of years of marriage, and baby, things have changed. I would also be quite happy with once a week, and I try to keep it interesting for him, but he would like it every day if he could. My libido also has disappeared into the sunset, particularly after having my baby. I think besides the hormones changing, it is mental for me too. I have to be in the right frame of mind, and having the house and kid to see to, I put sex at the end of my priority list. My hubby on the other hand will still put sex first, and then the other things come second. Maybe it's just a man-thing. Also, I don't always see myself as a sex-goddess, what with the body changes and change of self-image being a Mom now. I always swore it wouldn't happen to me, but it has! It is wonderful still being wanted, but can be an "inconvenience" sometimes. Sounds terrible, doesn't it?
I don't have any advice, as I need some myself, so I'll be very interested to see what everyone else has to say. At the end of the day though, I think sex is very important in a marriage, and you have to work at it (sounds like hard work to me), but I suppose we have to accept that men are wired that way permanently. Men will want to have sex until it is physically impossible for them to do it anymore, and I think us girls would be quite happy with the memories, and rather being intimate in different ways. PS: I love your blog, I read it every day, and it reminds me that I am not alone in the normal "problems" that we all face.

[Heather G]

Could it partly be because the children fill a lot of the need for intimacy and touch that we (women) crave and get out of sex. I read that somewhere and it certainly made me think.
We're coming up to 20 years and it has been a bit of feast and famine over that time.

[Mary]

We are coming up on our 19th anniversary. I am lucky to get sex once a year. I would like it more often, but my husband has no interest, and doesn't want to talk about it. He's not having an affair. Other than this, we get along pretty well. He is my first and only, and sometimes I wish I'd gotten a bit more before I settled down, if this is all I'm going to get.

[AnonAnon]

I think the newness of it wears off after a while. "a while" depends on who's defining it. For me personally, the reasons are multiple.

*The newness and novelty isn't there anymore.
*Cancer treatments sucked my libido dry.
*Gave birth to 2 kids. Chasing after 2 toddlers...
*Tired doing all the chores and would rather unwind by myself or sleep at the end of the day.
*He irritates all the same as before, but now it takes me longer to "let it go" simply because after being together for 8 yrs now, he should know me better and should know how to be in-sync with me. And I can't do it if I haven't "let it go".

BUT

Sex is good. Must do more...

[anonymous]

it's not just an 'us girls' vs those randy husbands thing! we're two women in a relationship and i would be happy to have sex waaaay more often than my partner. (and i am sure there are plenty of women out there who wished their husbands put out more too.)

i think what happens is that when you first get together you are all full of lovey-dovey hormones that get the libido raging. after you've been together for a while that all settles down, and your respective libidos return to their native state. sadly, they often don't match up. that's why you have to work at finding a compromise position - shag a little more than the low libido partner would like, and a little less than the high libido parter would prefer. that's kinda what we do, and it mostly works out ok - when i feel frustrated i remind myself what an awesome relationship we have and how much having a slightly frustrated libido is worth the love, support, companionship, fun, and all around good times that we have together.

[Rosiep]

I also need advice so I am looking forward to reading all the comments.

For some reason our sex life also changed after our baby was born. We are still trying to figure this one out. My husband has always said that you have to do today, what you did yesterday to keep tomorrow, but we are also having great difficulty getting back to that.

[kirstyphysio]

I think it can be compared to a new toy! Just like your kids love their new toys at first, and play with them non stop - eventually they grow tired of them and play with them less and less. However - they have their favourites that they keep coming back to, and treasure. These are the "toys" that we marry! We play with them less often, but still love them and love playing with them! The novelty has just worn off a bit, but that has lead to a deeper relationship! If they weren't special, they would have been dumped in the toy box with the rest and sent to the charity shop!
BTW - this is just for illustration purposes! I only have 1 toy - and don't support the notion of playing with other toys whilst commited to one! I am very faithful to my toy!

[mare_imbrium]

"One last thing: Isn’t it funny. As much as I ‘complain’ about Marko wanting do it more often than I do, I would FAR rather have it this way around than me wanting to do it more than he did. Isn’t that hypocritical. I want him to want me, just not too often."

Very interesting that you put it that way. In June it will be 11 years since we started dating, 5 years since we got married. For almost that entire time, we have been "backwards" - I wanted to do it more often than he did. Then when our second child was a baby my sex drive ground to a halt. Not only did I NEVER want to do it I felt like every time he touched me it was only because he wanted to have sex - it actually started making me uncomfortable and upset for him to touch me at all. I don't know why it happened, and I felt terribly bad about it. But even as bad as I felt, I still didn't want to have sex - during that time it would take literally an hour or two just to get me comfortable enough to even think about it. And as I'm sure you're aware, couples with two small children don't have hours to devote to sex. So, it was hard. It was worse because I knew how he felt - it made me both super guilty AND a little vengeful (a sort of "aaaw, I don't want to have sex? Welcome to the past decade of my life! How's it feel, jerk?). I am not proud of that feeling, but I have a lot of years of frustration on my part. My second child is now 15 months old and the balance is slowly shifting back to what is normal for us.

I'm not even sure how I feel about it - any of it. Our past, what happened last year, etc. I mean, I would have thought it would be a GREAT feeling to know that he really wanted me, but instead it bothered me and made me upset. Sometimes I wonder how things would be in our sex life if we still didn't have any kids. My oldest will be 4 (also in June) and during that time our sex life has definitely changed, pretty profoundly in fact. Trying to find time to have sex is now so difficult that it has become the new focus, so to speak. We seem to fight less about our uneven sex drives - it kind of takes a backset to just being able to have sex at all. Not that there aren't obviously still issues, but the kids are definitely a distraction.

But back to what you said in your post, about not wanting it the other way? I will say the other way sucks. But from what I felt/witnessed when I lost my drive last year, that way sucks too.

[curlgurl]

This could be a conversation going on in my head too. Libido, or in my case the lack thereof is the bane of my life. I have tried to analyse "why", or what the hell happened to it, but there are no clear cut answers. Once a week would also suit me fine - as much fun as it is! My husband would be happy with once a day. That also brings around another pressure of a different kind - you don't want to disapoint/turn him down; but there are just those times when you would rather clean up the projectile vomit of a screaming baby than have sex!! (Although that is a bit of an extreme example, I'm sure you all know what I mean!!)

I read somewhere recently (or it may have been wishfuil thinking!?!) that scientists are working on a pill which both increases libido, and increases metabolism! So shagging while losing weight - now there is something worth inventing!!

And while we're talking about it, there should be a law against irresponsible statements made by condom-selling assholes - 3.5 times a week!!! Give us a break!

[Roz]

Hey Tertia

The BBC recently did an article about a study that mentions this...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/4790313.stm

I just copied the most interesting bit of the article
***

Dr Dietrich Klusmann, lead author of the study and a psychologist from Hamburg-Eppendorf University Hospital, believed the differences were down to human evolution.

He said: "For men, a good reason their sexual motivation to remain constant would be to guard against being cuckolded by another male."

But women, he said, have evolved to have a high sex drive when they are initially in a relationship in order to form a "pair bond" with their partner.

But, once this bond is sealed a woman's sexual appetite declines, he added.

He said animal behaviour studies suggest this could be because females may be diverting their sexual interest towards other men, in order to secure the best combinations of genetic material for their offspring.

Or, he said, this could be because limiting sex may boost their partner's interest in it.
***

[Cheryl]

I agree with the comment that sometimes all our needs for physical touch have been met and/or exceeded by our children. I'm sick of being accidentally groped, having people pull on my arm, jump on my back, slide down my legs - the last thing I want after a day like that is to get turned on and make my skin hypersensitive to touch. I also have the problem that sex doesn't send me to sleep, it wakes me up. Since I usually don't go to bed until I'm draggingly exhausted I really don't want at that point to get jiggy and then spend the next two hours tossing and turning or getting sucked into a good book.

[Dilly]

I think the pill can have a lot to do with a decrease in sex drive too as I noticed a definite increase in my desire when I came off it. Having said that I am an every day girl by choice and I want it more than my boyfriend does. I would much prefer it the other way round though because I can't think how it ever reached the point where I have to blag a chap for a shag! I am only 27 though and have no kids so perhaps that would cool me off a bit.

[Tripsmom]

Can't agree with you more Tertia, once the triplets are in bed and all other daily chores are done I am exhausted and I feel as if sex is just another chore - Saturday mornings or Sunday mornings with Barney singing in the background is what our "romantic" moment is. But I have decided to make a concerted effort for a mid week romp in the bed - usually proceeded by a "date night". Maybe you should end your date night this way too. Anyway you're marriage is no different from any other persons - so dont dispair.

[Ann]

None of the above. The answer is very simple: we take it for granted that it is always there whenever we need/want it, so we don't make an effort to pursue it.

[Jeanne]

There's a great book called Tantric Orgasm for Women by Diane Richardson (an ex South African!!) which really explains a lot about what goes on for women from many of the angles mentioned above.

My personal view is that women loose touch with their bodies and experience things in life which shut down their sexual vibrancy. This can range from abuse to medication to depression to tiredness to poor-body-image etc. Whatever the cause, the way to reverse the effects of those things is purely and simply to reconnect with your body. This may mean working through the in-built holding patterns and tensions that no amount of right thinking or planning, will get you out of. Or it may mean teaching your partner how to touch you in a way that goes much deeper than the surface and which can fascilitate the healing required. Any form of emobodiment therapy is also an excellent solution (eg. Hoffman therapy)

For those of you lucky enough to live in the US, try http://www.radiantembodiment.com/main.shtml
Sabine has some great articles available on her site as well. I so wish I could attend some of her workshops.

[Robin from Israel]

I think it's because it's simply always there. There's no reason not to give in to the "too tired/too bloated/too whatever", because you know you can always try again tomorrow.

We're coming up on 16 years, and it is sometimes a real struggle to make sex a priority. Ok, in all honesty it's never a priority, but to at least make it something less than last.

[CariP]

My dear hubby works nights and I work days...I'm asleep when he gets home (and there's no waking me up) and he's alseep when I get up. I'm sure he'd be willing in the AM before I leave for work, but then I'd have to get up at 3:30am and thus far, I haven't been willing to do that! Plus, the poor dear needs his sleep to care for the 4 year old all day and work his 2 jobs! A real conundrum. We are looking forward to next fall and the promise and Kindergarten (for the 4 year old) and day work (for him) and the prospect of seeing each other awake for more than 2.5 seconds a day.

That's my excuse this week anyway...

[June Heller]

I think that the whole infertility mess can really do a number on the old sex drive. I had to really work on keeping up with sex when I was really disappointed that it wasn't ending up in a baby. The IUI and IVF process made it even worse, don't do it these days, do it with condoms on this or that drug, and then come in on this day, and use this strange little room to work his stuff out and bring it on into this other room, and maybe we'll make you a baby. It's all SO SEXY.

Then the disappointment after the two week wait, or getting over this or that miscarriage, ugh. Sex and babymaking are intertwined, and it's hard to maintain a great sex life when I feel like we're failing at babymaking.

I pretty much try to do it every other night regardless of how tired I am (remember, I don't have children...yet). Its so important to my husband. I think of it as husband maintence, rotate the tires, fill the oil, do it every other night. It really works, he's much better behaved and very helpful when he gets it regularly, and by staying regular, I'm in the mood much more often than some of my friends who do it when they feel like it (which is next to never). Your gym analogy is a great one, because I think the same thing goes for the gym, it's a lot more enjoyable and easier to go out and do a 5K on a Saturday morning when I have been training regularly!!!

By the way, we've been "on a break" from fertility treatments until next fall, and I just got pregnant naturally. We've had it happen before, but that was over 2 years ago, before we started infertility treatments (one miscarriage, one ectopic). We're praying this little chicken hatches.

[Julia]

OK. I have the opposite experience. We have been married for 7 years. We have one child (age 5) and another one on the way. I need it more than my husband. I really love my body and all its imperfections and am comfortable within myself. I think that this makes all the difference. He has told me that he understands that I'm extremely sexual (always have been) but that he really cannot do it every night. It wasn't always like this though. I went through various types of contraceptive before it was discovered that I can't have too much estrogen as this affects my libido. Fortunately this issue has now been resolved but now my husband is not able to keep up with me. He did take me vibrator shopping though. But I actually want him. I think he's hot and I've told him this. And he really enjoys it when we are at it. I'm even more sexual during my pregnancies but at the moment I'm lucky to get it once a weekend.
Don't know anymore.

[Katy]

It's just so hard to keep up to when you've got 400 other things on the go. I'm exactly like you, once I do it I think "WOW must do that more often!" but then as soon as I snuggle into bed I'm fast asleep. I really try and make an effort now because with the ex we never, ever had sex and he told me that was the reason he broke up with me. The charmer! Also I think I get a bit touched out with the babies all over me all day. I just want to shout at them all LEAVE ME ALONE and go sit on my own.

[Shandra]

Our sex drives are pretty well matched, although that doesn't mean in a given 6-mo period we're both at exactly the same point. We've been married 13 years and that's a lot of data on our sex drives. :)

That said, our frequency has gone down since having our son. It probably averages out around twice a week, but it really does come in clusters - for two weeks we'll be working like mad and then the third weekend it's sex whenever the baby's sleeping.

The vast majority of that is logistics: is the baby asleep? are you working tonight? (he works most nights and I work some nights, both from home) damn the nanny is coming tomorrow I need to vaccuum, etc. Right now it's gardening season here in Canada. Once everything's planted and mulched and our muscles are not so achy... hee.

Some of it though really is that we are just at a different phase of our lives than the mad hot sex phase.

I do think sex is important but for us (again, not for everyone) it really is just one aspect of our lives, albeit a great one, and right now our life is intensively about making our now-extended family of three work. We know that as our son (and other sib, if we have one) gets older we'll have more time, not less, to throw into our sexual life. And we look forward to that. :)

[anon]

I think June Heller has a really important point -- you have to have sex to want to have sex. We are in a slow patch right now and I know I have to push myself to have sex more so that I will want it more.

[Andrea]

Did you know that the little story your friend told you about the bean jar, *used* to go:

"Put a bean in a jar for each time you have sex your FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE, then after your first anniversary, start taking a bean out each time you have sex. You'll never empty it."

My, how times have changed that unmarried couples are so intimately familiar that they are sexually bored with each other by the wedding night. :-\

[Kim]

Just a thought - or bit of assvice to take or leave. I've been reading lately about hormones and how at late 30's you can start to get slight hormone imbalances - a thing called premenopause, which begins well before the hot flashes etc and can cause symptoms of headaches, PMS, mood changes etc. Its before you reach the peri menopause phase and can be related to estrogen and progesterone levels. I am late 30's and had my hormones checked. they are still within normal levels even hough the estrogen is at the low end of normal. I was feeling tired, PMS and have now started taking Macha gold, co-enzyme Q10 and Ginseng. I can honestly say it has really given me a lift. Maca is supposed to balance hormones too and is good for PCOS but you ahve to get an organic variety, grown at the right altitude etc. The ohter thing is it has definitely increased my libido which was almost non existent.

[Wyliekat]

I linked you to my secret a few posts back. And it still works. We're having more sex now than we did eight years ago.

[Stefanie]

I am always toooo tired. I work, I'm gone 10 hours or more per day. I have 2 kids to feed, check homework, get baths, etc. I'm just pooped after that.

As far as the jar never being empty - I think it's God's way of punishing us for filling it before we get married. (I hear you HCs)

[Wenchy]

Yip, I can understand what everyone has written... although I didn't experience it in my marriage... however, it didn't help keep my marriage together - even WITH plenty of sex.

:o(

[Chickenpig]

I think it is kids and not marriage that decreases the amount of sex. We were married for 9 years before we (finally!) had kids, and we were having sex all the time. We even tried when I was hugely pregnant (not successfully, however). But since the twins were born, I don't want sex as much, and there have been plenty of times where the spirit was willing, but the flesh was weak. Pregnancy and breastfeeding (not to mention C section recovery) wreck havoc on a woman's hormones, and there has been PLENTY of times where I have wanted sex, but my husband just wanted to pass out, or when we started to have sex, but couldn't continue because of a screaming baby, or two. Now that they are sleeping through the night (mostly) we are more rested and are interrupted less, and the amount of sex we are having has picked up some.

[sarah]

Wyliecat, WHAT SECRET??? Do share!

[Gab]

Wow, this is all sort of frightening for me. I just got married Sept 06, and I'm 4 months pregnant right now. I really don't want to hear that kids are the reason for the decrease in sex. Am I naive to think that I'll still want to do my hot husband with a newborn in the next room? I honestly cannot picture myself ever losing my libido entirely. My husband's libido is stronger than mine, but not by enough to make it a problem. I like denying him once in awhile, if for no other reason than it makes him want me more. I don't ever want to replace his touch with a baby's. One of the reasons I married him was because I do find him so terribly attractive, and I know myself enough to know that if I WEREN'T this attracted to him we'd have problems later on because I've been known to get bored. Oh god, now I'm just rambling on. Anyway, I guess I'm just saying that I'm going to give everything I have to make sure my husband and I always keep connected on the nudey level, because I think it's really imporatant. Don't attack the naive newlywed!!

[Miranda]

I think this is another good reason to get new boobs! New boobs = more sex! You should feel sexier when you get new boobs, and then you will probably want sex more often.

[Chantale]

I think that, since my son was born, we've only had sex a handful of times and my son is 11 months!

A few years ago, we were both students, no other commitments, and our sex life was great.

For us, the lack of sex is a combination of things. First, it hurt for the first 4 months or so after the baby was born (bad tearing). Afterwards, I was tired. My son was (is) a very poor sleeper. My husband worked during the day. When he came home, I often had him take the baby so I could sleep. Now? I'm not too sure. The baby is still in the room with us, which makes my husband feel awkward. My husband works long hours and is only home a couple hours before bed. These are all excuses, I know. We should be able to make time...

[Heather]

It is a combination of things... I think DEPRESSION is a HUGE factor. It kills the libido as well as, quite often, the desire for intimacy period. While we feel isolated and want someone to reach out, we don't want it to have anything to do with sex. At least, that's true for myself and at least one of my friends.

It is also due to a constantly changing schedule. When my husband is gone, of course, I miss him like mad. But when he's home, it's a huge adjustment. I do well with predictable schedules, etc., so it throws me all off again. It's hard enough just to "make room" in the bed, let alone do anything in it.

After two less-than-fun pregnancies, I am terrified to get pregnant again. It seemed WAY too easy for us, so that's in the back of my mind all the time...

All in all, you're right. When we "give in," we really do find that it's great and wonder why we don't do it more often... Until they poke us in the back 2 days later and we punch 'em in the gut. :-)

[Wyliekat]

Sarah - It's simple. And not so simple. There's a long winded link that I put up about how you get to this point, but here it is.

Of all the things you do in your daily life to make your husband happy, to keep your family in one piece, to keep your household running - how many of them give you back actual, physical pleasure?

Any of them?

No?

Well, what if I told you that your husband couldn't begin to care less if you did any of those above things, so long as you did the one task that does give you pleasure?

Still with me?

Basically, I think women tend to overcompensate for their lack of sex drive by depriving themselves of other things, thinking that their husband will notice their sacrifice and efforts and think "Gee, no wonder she doesn't want sex. Look how hard she works."

That's not going to happen. They don't see how hard you work. All they see is that you're not having sex with them. In a long term relationship, it is often the male of the partnership that relies more on sex as an affirmation of love and happiness. For us, happiness is a clean house, paid bills, sleeping children, clean body parts, no stress and then . . . maybe. Perhaps. If he asks nicely.

So basically, long term partners often end up working at cross purposes to one another. Put sex on your to-do list. Not every day, unless you want to. But maybe once or twice a week. Once the guy knows he's going to get it regularly, that'll be enough for many of them. It goes like this:

Do dishes
take kids to park
cook dinner
have shower
have sex
Off to do whatever the hell I please, leaving an incredibly happy hubby in my wake.

And it's that simple.

Suddenly, your list of tasks and your depth of deprivation are alleviated, because there's no one giving you grief if certain things don't happen. You do the tasks you want to do and sort the rest out later. Suddenly, your Hubby is more supportive of you time and you having adventures on your own. Because HE'S getting what he needs.

The best part? I've told my husband flat-out that this is what I'm doing and he's perfectly fine with it. Doesn't care that it's somewhat calculated (though loving) - he's just happy to get it.

I mean, we get frustrated if they don't pick up after themselves, don't see how hard we work, don't help us get what we need (as listed above). Why wouldn't they get frustrated if we're not answering their basic needs?

I think we generally try and give our partner what we want, rather than what they want. And it's a waste of time.

Fit it into your schedule and I swear to you - your marriage will improve in huge ways.

[spit]

I want it more often than he does and that is a total change from when we were dating. My best friend warned me this would happen when I married an older man.

[K.]

Only 3.5 times a week? LOL! well yes we do it more often but we pretty much are in sinc if occasionally he wants it and I don't or the other way around we usually do it anyway because we both enjoy it no matter if we were really interested or not. A little effort on the less interested persons part makes the other feel much more loved and less like they are bothering you. Making the effort show's you care.

[Anne]

Oh god...My firstborn is now 5 months old, and we're lucky to get it together once a week. We used to have sex about twice a week, and I almost always wanted it more than my husband (partly because he was in training for competitive bicycle racing and was almost always physically wrecked at night). Now, however, with the hormone changes that accompany breastfeeding, my sex drive is nearly zero. Apparently breastfeeding gives you a jolt of prolactin, which is the same hormone you get after having an orgasm (aka the "afterglow"), and therefore I don't miss sex as much. I was commenting to my husband the other day that I had no idea, before my baby was born, how much of a slave I was to my homones! Also, I had an episiotomy and tearing as well, and sex is still not all that pleasant physically, even with a lot of lubricant, so that also works to dampen my interest. And, of course, add in working full-time and taking care of the baby, the dog, and the house, and I'm actually proud of myself that I'm able to put out every week! I know it will get better after I stop breastfeeding and the baby gets a little older, though, so I'm just hanging on for the next 6 months!

[ashley]

Dh and I just celebrated our 10th anniv. and still "shag" 3-4x a week. No lies either. Two kids, 3 animals, both of us work full time. I am just one horny gal and am never too tired for it. If I was too tired for it, then it would never happen because I'm *always* exhausted.

[JennyK]

Listen to the wise Wyliekat. We went through a really rough patch after #2 was born....I felt like other posters -- that I was "touched out" by the kids, that my husband should see how tired I was and appreciate everything I was doing for the family, etc. When he didn't seem to acknowledge MY sacrifices, I think I subconsciously wanted *him* to feel some deprivation, too (on top of my feeling like sex was just another chore required of me).

We fought and were ugly to each other. Then we got a clue -- I wasn't getting what I needed, so I couldn't give him what he needed. It's all very symbiotic. I'm not a big believer in self-help books, but I did find the "Five Love Languages" to be helpful in explaining to my husband why I don't get the same fulfillment from sex. It's definitely helped.

[Stephanie]

To me, it's exactly like Wyliekat says. it's important to him, so I make an effort. I'm watching a Tv show, and into the program-and he comes by. So I may grumble internally, but will go and have sex. I'm reading a blog- it'll be there in half an hour. Or, maybe i finish that show, and meet him in the bedroom then... Basically, the point is I make the effort, even if I'm not totally feeling it. Because it is important. Sometimes it takes more effort than others- but the reward is, I really notice and miss it if it's been a few days, because we're in the habit of doing it every day or so.
It might not be romantic to say I basically have it on the to do list, but it is one of the more fun items on there! Basically, I think it takes work. It's very easy to not do it, cause you can always do it another time-until the times you're doing it is rare.

[Jody]

We would have emptied the jar AGES ago, for a couple of reasons. (A) In retrospect, I think being anovulatory for all of my twenties gave me an unusually low libido. So we didn't have as much sex before marriage/kids as "normal." (B) Pregnancy adjusted the hormones AND I'm now in my mid-thirties, so without getting into details, I want and enjoy sex TONS more now. Also, to some small extent, (C) I live with my husband now, but didn't before marriage, plus I get most of my quality time with him after the kids are asleep, or in school, and both of those situations seem to lead to sex somehow. Especially when we're both home during the day, because we're lame enough to find that illicit.

Maybe the key to shattering the bean-jar theory is to have less sex in your twenties? That appears to have been my solution.

(BTW, we'll celebrate our tenth anniversary next month. And we have sex about twice a week, so we're still not burning up the bed.)

[Anon today]

I am posting (anon) to add my current status and also state that I think there are many more like me who are too embarrassed to post. The ones who are "getting it on regularly" are proud of that and they should be but they are also more apt to post. That is why I agree that the surveys are probably not accurate because those not having sex are less likely to take the survey and admit it (IMO anyway). Anyway, after 12 years with a 2 year old, we have really fallen off the horse. I think our biggest problem is getting back on because it has been so long now we don't even know where to start.
Last year we had sex 2 times and this year I'm pretty sure it is zero.
I'm very sad writing that and I hope to change it but I thought it would be good to be honest (even though anon) and admit it here. We've talked about it and both feel bad about it and we've talked about making a date for it but it still hasn't happened. I have to admit we're not getting along as well as we used to either. It seems there are often little tensions or resentments over taking care of our child. I think these take a toll and it is harder to feel like it. We actually have talked about the possibility of couples therapy just to help us get along better in general (not specifically sex therapy) - there is something in the States called Imago therapy that is supposed to be good.
http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/
Thanks for the reminder to look at the hard things.

[anon]

They say that in general your sex life is a barometer of your marraige. I'd kind of agree.We need to feel loved to want sex and they need sex to feel loved.

My sex life is less frequent than before, but a LOT more exciting, adventurous and intense. I think that sometimes the initiative needs to be shared and 'lighter, different, alternative moments ...instead of the formulaic sex need to happen. So, yes, it's easiest get from start to finish via a well known route, but it's so much more interesting to change it up, push the envelope make him think twice.Don't you think?

'nuff said?

[Anne]

"shag a little more than the low libido partner would like, and a little less than the high libido parter would prefer."

"think of it as husband maintence, rotate the tires, fill the oil, do it every other night......and by staying regular, I'm in the mood much more often than some of my friends who do it when they feel like it"

These two statements really sum it up for me. I don’t always want it but know that I’ll enjoy it (gym analogy) so we go to it. There are times since the Boy was about 10 months that my libido has returned to normal = I want you now – levels and that’s a good thing. I find the Hubby gets a bit testy when he feels that he’s doing all the work/approaching me for sex all the time, so it’s a good thing when I can look at him with “hey Baby, whatca doing?” eyes. But there are also many a night/day when I just feel touched out and tired so it’s all a balance isn’t it?

[Lisa]

Hubby and I have been married 7 years, together almost 10. My sex drive is much higher than his because he is self employed and always working. Hard to get it on when he comes to bed anywhere between 2-4 a.m. every night and I am asleep. Plus, he's 13 years older than me and I get the feeling that he's "been there, done that" so most things aren't exciting for him. It sucks especially cause we're trying to have a baby and I had a miscarriage in March so that has sort of put a damper on things. I want a baby AND more sex but I'm getting neither. Needless to say I have dates with myself a few times a week. I would say our sex average is 1-2 times a month.

[Beth]

I suspect that the change in my libido is related to having needy, clingy toddlers around, and I can definitely see it picking up as my kids are getting older. After my first baby was born, I never initiated--never. The youngest is going on 4 now, and as she is gaining independence it seems that I feel liberated, too, and I'm beginning feel some desire for my husband again. He has recently remarked that he is starting to see the light at the end of this tunnel.

Clearly, we girlfriends (is it ok that I think of you as one of my girlfriends, Tertia?) talk about this fairly often, but apparently our guys don't. They all seem to think that everyone else is getting it all the time and they are the only person in the world who has dry spells. I think the survey people should do one that only includes couples who have young children. Because from what I have gathered from my circle of friends, most folks aren't getting it 3 times a week--more like 3 times a month!

[victoria]

My husband wants to have sex less than once a year. And only when we're on vacation in a fancy hotel in a foreign city. This happens about once every 15-18 months. There is absolutely *nothing* I can do to change his mind on this topic.

I read this post and the comments and learn there are people who think once a week is a "low libido," and I think, Huh.

Every time I get back from vacation, I'm immediately booking the next one. People at work think, "Gee, Victoria really likes to travel." I wish I could tell them, it's not the travel I miss when we get home.

[victoria]

(Oh, and we have no kids to blame it on.)

[anon right now]

My husband and I have been married almost 16 years. Before we were married, we dated for about 6 months. As soon as we had decided to get married and set a date and started planning, my libido dropped like a rock. I was totally embarrassed to display any sort of physical affection in front of our families. In fact, they teased me for saying "don't touch me" so often. But without that committment, I was just an ordinary horny 20 year old ready to shag anywhere anytime. Now, he is still way more interested than I am, except when I'm pregnant. Then I'm wearing him out to the point he won't even come to bed at night. I suppose it's all psychological and I'm even nuttier than most people imagine.

[Emily]

Well, you can add me to the list of women who want it more than their partners. We have a good relationship, but my partner is 25 years older than me (almost 60 years old now) and in poor health, so sex is quite low on his priority list. It's May and we've had sex twice this year.

Personally, I think the woman who says doing it regularly makes her want it more than if she waited until she really felt like it is right. Use it or lose it. This might be especially true for older men, as the testosterone falls, so I wish my partner would take her advice!

[Foster]

Weve been married for two years. He used to want it more than me, which was annoying, but alright. Then I went on birth control which totally robbed me of my libido. I will always regret having used hormonal birth control as I am STILL, two years later, not back to where I was before I started it. Just this past calendar year, I have started to feel more "normal", but the past 18 months really took their toll on me (and our new marriage). Anyway, he is always tired. He works long hours, then takes Karate. We do it once or twice a week. I would really love to do it more, not because I am horny, but because I just want to be with him. I feel like he got so used to me not being interested that he lost interest. While engaged, I was actually nervous, because he was always so horny. I was afraid I was going to get roped into having sex every single day. He probably just needed to fill his time doing other things, since his new wife was so disinterested, and is still used to opperating like that. Plus, like I said, he is tired when he gets home. He usually wants to relax, not work out again ;) I told him the other day that we needed to start having sex twice a week, no excuses. He agreed. I hate to be this young and already scheduling sex, but oh well. Id like for us to be up to three times a week, that would be good. So, for us, it is neither partner really making an effort. What a shame.

[Amy]

14 years, 3 kids. Once a week, quality stuff ;)
Why do we do it less now than then? Kids that stay up later than us, less privacy. Tiredness, my poor body image. When we do do it it is when all the kids are in school, naughty us!

(There was a time though when I was on Paxil and OMG it killed the sex drive. There were about 4 years in there where I did NOT want to do it and only did it (rarely) as a loving gesture to my husband.)

[akeeyu]

Because I have Endometriosis in bad places, so it hurts to have sex.
Because we're honest with eachother, he knows that it hurts me when we have sex.
Because my husband isn't a sadist, he is reluctant to initiate sex, knowing that it will hurt.
Because I'm not a masochist, I don't usually bother to initiate sex either, because I know it will hurt.

We have sex on about a quarterly basis when we can overcome the issues. It generally still hurts, although we both enjoy the intimacy. Other than that, the closest we have to sex is when he accompanies me to IVF appointments.

[No name for this]

The fact is that there are a lot of women who don't enjoy sex with their husbands. Their husbands are either terrible at it, lazy, selfish or just plain bast*rds. I loved sex with a previous partner - but that was because he cared about my experience - and it was amazing, I loved it, and we had sex almost every day. I got married after that relationship ended and my husband didn't give a damn as long as he enjoyed it, he felt I "owed" it to him and he didn't care if it left me broken and bleeding.

For women like me it is a chore, we have to force ourselves and yes, we are that upset. If our sex drive is low - maybe our husbands have something to do with it.

[No name for this]

I should add; he is now my EX husband. My sex drive returned immediately when there wasn't someone forcing me into sex regardless of my feelings or wishes. There's a lot of women trapped like that - instead of blaming women entirely or recommending the women medicate, go to therapy, make chore lists or otherwise bend themselves into knots... how about the guys make some effort for their wives? It does take two...

[Sarah]

I'm single so getting none

:(

[anonymoose]

when i met my fiance we had sex a LOT. like rabbits. and then we spent some time apart. and then we got back together, and he moved in. and sometime between those two points, my sex drive dried up completely. i love him, i just don't want to sleep with him. or anyone, so its not a personal thing. i felt guilty for a while, and then i felt like he was constantly on my case about it (though he wasnt) and then i finally sat him down and told him straight what was going on. and that i didnt know why, but that i was fine with it, and i didnt consider myself to be a prude, or boring, or doing it wrong, or medically 'broken'. there is nothing wrong with me. some people don't like olives. i dont like sex.

we talked about how that was going to impact on our future: im willing to fuck for procreation, but not really interested in sex otherwise. he likes the feeling of intimacy that sex brings, i can't think of anything LESS intimate. he likes to be touched, i like to have my own couch. my own side of the bed. i have a three year old, by the end of the day i am OVER being climbed all over. but we compromise. and honestly, now that he knows where he stands, i feel like i'm not constantly under pressure to perform, and our relationship is great. brilliant. we communicate better.

i think a lot of it is the way that i'm wired. and some of it is having a kid - my tiny sex drive initially declined after having my first kid, my ex and i had sex oncein the year after that and then we broke up. but for a myriad of other reasons as well, the least of which was the (lack of) sex. and most of it, at the current time, is that before my fiance, i lived alone (albeit with a toddler) for two and a half years, and i'm one of the few people that i've ever met who ENJOYED living alone. having my fiance here is nice, but he's here ALL THE TIME. and when hes not here, all his stuff is still here, so if FEELS like he's here. i just don't need constant physical reminders that he exists any more, because i do three loads of laundry a week with his name on it. you know?

man that took me like an hour to type out.

[Sarah M]

The Durex survey participants are definitely lairs. ;-)
Great post.

[Anny]

I've never understood how some people say that they used to love sex/have lots of it/fuck like rabbits/etc. But now they just don't anymore and think that is normal...? There has to be a cause. Hormones, daily life, kids, annoying spouses-all those things contribute to lack of time/energy/interest but to literally have no sexual feeling or desires EVER is not biologically/physically healthy-in my opinion. Even most HC camps say that sex is one of the greatest gifts God gave to humans:-)

I have always had a stronger libido than my hubby. When we were first together we were typical fuck anywhere, anytime, several times a day. We average about once a week now(3 kids and married almost 10 yrs), actually that's probably generous. More like 3 times a month. I would love to have more. I do take care of my personal "needs" a lot more frequently than we have sex. I'd be happy with a few times a week. We have had our ups and downs as far as frequency but we've been at this pace for several years now. I have also fallen into that pattern of wanting to be "perfect" before sex. I have to be freshly bathed, shaved, lotioned, etc. That's what makes no sense to me- I used to not care about body hair, odor or anything! lol What happened? Partly I think it's because I am much less self confident in my body since having 3 kids, nursing and putting on a lot of weight. And unfortunately I know I am not married to one of those men who don't care. My hubby never says a word about my weight and tells me I'm pretty all the time but I know that is a large part of why his libido has cooled. Plus one of his biggest turn ons is a spotless house- and that never happens! lol

I always remember something I heard once(I think it was Dr. Phil on Oprah way back)about how if sex is going well it only takes up about 5% of your relationship but if it's a problem than it takes up 95%. That a bit of an exaggeration number wise for me but I think about our sex life a lot and wish it was more fufilling:(

[erin]

My husband and I had this conversation yesterday. I don't know why my libido is not same as it used to be. The bigger question is, why is his libido still so high? I don't get it. I would estimate that we have sex around 1-2 times a week. (More if I am ovulating.). That is being generous.

I am not sure what the answer is, but thanks for writing the post. I was wondering if it was just me...

[S]

I think there's definitely something to be said for the "it's here all the time for the taking and I don't have to work for it/miss it/look forward to it, etc, etc" mentality. For ex: when we're staying at my in-laws I absoLUTEly want sex every night. Something about seeing him during the day, knowing we "can't" just skip off to the bedroom, door open, or I can't just flash him for kicks in the kitchen brings it out in me.

I think it's a mixed bag, too. I think we're rough on ourselves about it(HELLO MEDIA), not meeting the "standard" and this makes us feel innately asexual, on the shelf, like there's a "problem." And the complexes and sense of duty and resenting that "duty" stuff swell bigger than the actual act.

We try to work with "to everything there is a season"---- basically, right now we're best buddies/allies/co-parents who kiss and mean it but aren't having sexual intercourse---- we're both exhuasted with the baby. But just acknowledging it and not putting pressure on ourselves takes the pressure off. Besides, sex often doesn't necessarily equal great sex. WE have a "numbers" obsession in Western culture. I think we should also consider quality.

And also--- going to bed both of you as early as possible, not sitting at the computer or watching t.v.(guilty as charged) and just hanging out reading, etc brings the chances higher.

ONe more thing: once I tried what I like to call "The Little House on the Prairie Sex Experiment." I mean, no t.v., no radio, no magazines telling Ma how to seduce Pa, no kama sutra floating on the prairie, no electric lights--- just two bodies who learned by instinct and who were surviving. Together. So anyway, I pledged to have sex every night for a month(I mean, I didn't swear, but it was something I wanted to try. I didn't tell him)-- it was great. REally. The more often we did it, the more normal and natural it was, the more exciting thinking we knew we would do it later as a matter of course. We started feeling like we were in a co-conspiracy. Plus, there wasn't angst involved. If it wasn't fantabulous, it was, Oh, yeah--- we'll do it again tomorrow. Less pressure, more fun, closer in a different way. More about our two bodies, plain and simple, less about lingerie and expectations.

I haven't tried it since the babe(who is adopted but I seem to have all the same issues as any other new mom as far as role/my body being of total use to her/feeling "on-call" at all times and so not sexual). I think I'm going to, again.

[beth]

Huh. I know that all those surveys are full of crap. They're made to make people feel inadequate!

For the first six months when we met we spent most of the time in bed! And since then it's just got less and less. Why? We've both talked about it and it seems to be a combination of pure laziness (too much computer time/reading/television/late nights as well as just a lack of interest. However, just as you said, when we actually get around to getting it on? It's almost always hot-quality-action! And yet we will go sometimes up to a month or so in between shags.

Personally, I am a believer in 'just do it' approach when the drought goes for too long, even if you're not particularly in the mood, as this helps things get a little more back on track. I find reading erotica gets me going, although my partner isn't into this at all - but then, if I'm turned on and ready to go, that will usually guarantee that he will be right there with me. I prefer quality over quantity - but I think our libidos are not really complimentary.

["Want my way"]

Ladies.......and gents

My advise.....invest in 1 or more sex toys! Yep, I can already hear some of you saying WHAT, how disgusting!!!
But remember one thing, what happens in your bedroom is a private affair, it's not like it will be written all over your face.
My hubby used to be a really conservative guy, me on the other hand way on the other side of the track!!! If I didn't tell anyone, nobody would ever think we would even consider sex toys. Now we go together and get an item or two and it's added so much spice to our lives and yep, our libido's have increased too.

As long as it's between the two of you, and remains dignified and clean, then believe me you will never look back. (Shagging more than once a day will almost be the norm again!)

Enjoy :)

[Nikki]

For me, I'm feeling a lack of intimacy right now due to 2 years of fertility treatments (ending in IVF and a recent c-section). Science took over in the baby-making department. Things in the bedroom are not back to normal yet and I know it will take considerable effort to return to "normal"... I miss the intimacy and know it's an essential part of a marriage. Gotta get busy fixing what's been broken.

[Hmmm]

Maybe it's because that's what marriage and children does to a relationship? People have been getting married and having babies for a long time, so most people don't question it, but choose wisely.

[Nefandus]

Why should the comparative lack of interest in sex by my wife be a product of kids and chores? I do just as much as she does. I'm up later than she is. I cook dinner all the time, clean some of the time, and take care of the kids half of the time, and drive 2 hours a day. I look almost as good as I ever did. Sex is still a priority for me - something I look forward to, sometimes all day, and it's the last chore on her list. I end up feeling WORSE when we do it, because she looks at the clock and I instantly know I'm being judged unfavorably against her desire to sleep. I CAN'T sleep because I'm intently aware of the lack of intimacy. It's not just that I want to do it - it's that I want her to want me, or to show any glimmer of sexual interest in anything at all, at this point.