Now I know why I fought so long and hard to have children

I must be honest and admit that there have been times recently when the cacophony of noise created by my sick, whingy, needy, opinionated, stubborn as bloody hell toddlers has drowned out the voices in my head telling me why I wanted the little assholes darlings in the first place. 

Times, like last night, when, even though I desperately needed sleep because I am so sick and worn out, Adam kept me awake for four hours. For FOUR hours when I needed to go to work the next day. Did I mention how sick I have been feeling?

Yes, there have been times recently when I have wondered what the hell I was thinking.

And then something so special happened that I instantly knew why I fought so long and hard to have children.

It went something like this:

I was sitting on the toilet, making a pee. Miraculously I was doing this without an audience of two two-year olds wanting to climb into my lap or put pieces of torn up toilet paper into the toilet bowl. While I am busy peeing. As I leaned over to grab some T paper I noticed that ONCE AGAIN, Marko had left the roll of paper out of arms reach.  

It drives me bat-shit when he does that. If I get up and reach for it, then drops of pee will fall on my leg. That makes me cross. I don’t want drops of pee on my leg. Not even my own. I want to wipe before I stand up. 

So there I was, sitting on the loo, trying to work out far I could reach out with one hand while still precariously balancing my nether regions over the porcelain bowl, when I suddenly realized my answer was right there! Right there in the bedroom, watching TV!

I called out “Kate, please do Mommy a favour and pass me that toilet paper”

And she did! 

It took about five minutes of going “there my girl, THERE! Look where Mommy is pointing! Don’t look at Mommy; look at where Mommy’s finger is pointing. THERE! Over THERE!” but she eventually got it and passed the roll on to me. I managed to wipe without a single drop falling on my leg.

And that my friends, is the reason why I had children. Because even though they can be exhausting little assholes cherubs, they are can be put to work early and save you from getting pee on your leg. 

I can think of no better reason.    

Comments

[Robin from TLOL]

Hahahahahaha!

When my son was first born, one of my husband's first questions was "when does he start earning his keep?".

My daughter is trying hard to earn her keep in the bathroom as well. After months of me holding her whenever she had to be in a big (i.e. potty seat-less) toilet while she was training, now every time she sees me peeing she runs to grab my knees saying "I gotcha mommy. Don't worry. I gotcha." So sweet, and so helpful, because of course before she started doing this I would fall down into the damn bowl every single time. How did I ever pee without my "gotcha girl"...

[Bianca]

dont you just love it! My boy is being trained for the arrival of his little sister in a few months - "Brycie, get me this please angel", "Brycie - please pick that up and give it to mommy" etc etc. Very handy these little cherubs.

[Orange]

One of my favorite parenting experiences is sitting on the couch, feeling in the mood for a cool, refreshing beverage, and sending Benjamin to the kitchen to fetch me a Diet Coke.

But god forbid I ask the child to go to the kitchen when he wants something himself. "Why do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?" he exclaims with outrage. Poor little Cinderella boy. Actually, he's the anti-Cinderella, a pampered little prince, who has no idea how good he's got it.

[Gina]

I once needed my two year old to fetch my towel after the shower. I left it near the sink too far away to not wet the floor. See, they get more useful.

Great story. I LMBO!

[Sara]

Long time reader, first time poster.

Had to agree with you Tertia! They are great li'l assholes... ahem... darlings when they are able to get you what you want. Case in point. Breastfeeding my (then) 3 month old baby when she vomited EVERY FUCKING WHERE... Cue the (ever so helpful) 4 year old... "Do you need a wipe mummy? You have spew ALL IN YOUR HAIR!!!"

Gotta love 'em :)

[ktjrdn]

Don't you know? That's why big families used to be so popular back befroe the TVs had remote controls.

[Heather]

I was wondering if it was just our son that took that long to "find" things even when he knows the words and meanings... Good to know he's not the only one that takes his time bringing me the remote when it's staring him dead in the face. Hee hee. Now my only question is when can we farm them out to others? ;-)

[Heike]

Why don't you just put one of those toilet paper roll holders on the wall NEXT to the loo?

Yes, yes I know, because men don't change that, and then you sit there with one square of toilet paper left on the roll. Then you get the pee all over your fingers YUK!

Yes, the buggers can be quite useful!

[K]

Just wait until they can get you a beer from the fridge or cooler. Pure Heaven!

[Yellowgirl]

Okay, so am I the only one wondering if you made a decision on the ttc front? I know that is *such* a rude question to ask in normal life, but since you have been so open about your thoughts on the issue, I just have to say inquiring minds would love an update!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yellowgirl

PS: How do you pronounce your name? I discuss your blog with my DH (is that weird?) sometimes, and I am sure I am butchering the pronunciation......

[Kara]

I hear ya. We just realized a few weeks ago that our two-year-old son can let the cat outside when asked. It's wonderful!

[Summer]

I can go K one better -- at age 3, I taught my son how to pull a beer from a keg. He was insistent upon playing with it, so why not put him to work? He's still got to work on his technique, though, he tends to serve cups of beer that are half-filled with foam.

We are available to work parties.

[JennyK]

They *do* come in handy sometimes, don't they?

[Michelle]

When they get older and start driving it is GREAT, no more going to the grocery store, they are more than happy to go for you. Although, it does take them an hour to come back and why is the gas tank always empty?

[Jeanne]

Am I the only one who notices the gorgeous Latino (Nino Bangs man I believe) on the right there..??!

[Laura(southernxy)]

No, Jeanne.

: )

[missbanshee]

Jeanne, you are certainly not the only one. :)

[Liz]

Nope, you are not the only one. HE is starring right at me. :D
As for putting kids to work. They are so handy at fetching things, it made the labor pain almost worth it.

[Jeanne]

I was wondering if the Latino was somehow related to/friends with/into Tertia. I noticed on her facebook profile, that she was being questioned as to why she has gorgeous men chatting to her - her being a mother and all ;)

[Ally]

I had a similar thought the other evening when I was on the toilet myself and our dog scratched at the back door to be let in. He's a testy, older dog and will paw and paw at the door trying to knock it down until you open it and so I asked my 2.5 yo, "Jamie, will you please go downstairs and let Cory in?" And. He. Did! Finally the little bugger is useful! ;)

[Stefanie]

Oh, they can also give massages, brush your hair and take off your makeup when they are older. My dd loves to do all that!

And my ds likes to dust and clean windows. He doesn't know any better, yet.

['wishIknew']

Tertia,
You are too funny. Why you have a mobile toilet paper holder is beyond me but anyway...

Reminds me of the time I asked my son to bring me a washcloth from the bottom drawer in the bathroom when I was in the shower. I was so impressed that he understood me and followed through that I gave him LOTS of praise. He then proceeded to bring me 4 more but hey, I got what I wanted without having to drip all over the bathroom floor.

'wishIknew'

[Nixgrim]

Our gorgeous toddler brings Daddy his towel every morning because he routinely forgets to put it in arm's reach of the shower. Such a useful little girl, because I absolutely REFUSE to stand on a wet shower mat that is all cold (when I'm nice and warm from my shower) because dh has had to get out of the shower to reach his towel. Thank God kids learn to be useful and ENJOY it so much! Long may that last!

[Jennifer]

Ahahaha. I am looking forward to that day myself. Olivia is only 7 months, so I think I have some time to wait.

[lynn]

Best for me is that my older boy (6) is often a big help with my younger girl (1.5). Lately, when she has a problem (she needs a tissue, she needs help opening a toy box, she's buckled herself in to her seat and she's stuck) I can just ask the older one to help her, and he does it (!) and I don't have to get up. Awesome. He'll even hold her hand and walk her downstairs and turn on the TV in the morning.

[Mel]

Too funny. And it's so true. I've even sent them on errands to get the wipes for the other one when I'm mid-diaper change and see that the wipes are on the other side of the room.

[Jessica]

So true! I'm training C to fetch the phone when it rings. It's especially helpful when I'm ensconsed on the couch and the phone is in the kitchen.

[Suzie-Q.]

ROFLMAO!! Yes, yes, yes! Why do you think i am finally happy i had twins? Because they turned 2 and now they actually do what i ask (some of the time!).
Samantha will even bring in the bags of groceries from the car for me!!! Yep, i am a slave driver! Tote that barge! Lift that bale! Bring me that toilet paper, please!

[angel]

mwaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha... they also come in very handy for when the remote control is missing or broken, for when there is NO loo roll in the toilet, and for when you're desperate for a coke refill but not desperate enough to get up and go to the fridge yourself!