The good, the bad and the ugly.

(I started writing this in a light hearted way. It was meant to be humorous. It has ended up being very dark. I’m sorry. I guess joking around and trying to act fine doesn’t always work. I am doing this post as an extended one, it has got so long.)

 I’ll start with the ugly.

 When I got pregnant this last time (my FIFTH pregnancy, how fucked up is that), a friend of mine who also did IVF to have her twins and then had a total surprise baby 2 years later, said to me "don’t you feel proud of your body!" And I realized that for the first time in years, I did feel proud of my body.

 I’ve never had a particularly good relationship with my body, but infertility killed what little love I had for it. During infertility I hated my body. I despised it. It had betrayed me in the cruelest way possible.  And I was trapped by it, slave to it. I couldn’t do it without it, and yet it kept failing me. And then I lost Luke and Ben. My body not only betrayed me, it killed my children.

Since the kids were born, I’ve slowly, cautiously starting trying to build a new relationship with my body. My body is the physical means of me being able to care for and mother my children. Without my body, I can’t care for them. And so slowly, slowly, I am started to build up respect for it, trust in it.

 And then yesterday happened. And in that moment I went straight back to that place of hatred and betrayal. Once again my body had let me down, had fooled me into believing it was to be trusted, and then betrayed me yet again. I hated it. I felt so trapped by it. I want to run away from it, from the pain it causes me, but I am stuck in it.

 I know none of this is logical. I might make no sense to you, but this is how I feel. I know I must respect my body, I know all of those good things about looking after myself, for the sake of my kids etc etc. But in the moments of my rawest, darkest grief, I despise my body.

 On Thursday I have to go to hospital and lie with my legs in stirrups while I have my cervix dilated and the fetus scraped from my womb. Cold, sterile. Scrape.  The ultimate violation.  Once again, I will bleed for weeks after wards. I don’t want to be there, in that hospital bed. Every single fibre of my being is screaming out not to be there again. And yet I have to go. I wish I could disassociate my mind and soul from my body. I can’t. I am trapped. Trapped by this body that makes me go through this pain over and over again.

 That’s the ugly. The deep, dark ugly that threatens my fragile hold on happiness.

 Then there is the bad.

 The bad is that I still feel so pregnant. There is no sicker joke than looking and feeling pregnant and not being pregnant. Well, I am pregnant but it is with a dead baby. I still feel sick, I feel nauseas, tired. But it is a farce, a fake. I am a fake. A fake, fake, fake. How pathetic of me to believe I ever had a chance at 'normal'. 

 In moments like this, moments of self-hate, it is hard not to give in to the punishing behaviour of my past. I feel so ugly, so fat. Fat and barren.  Fatandbarrenfatandbarrenfatandbarren. I want to punish my body. Starve it. Punish it.

 I want Thursday to be here. I want this baby out now. I want to stop feeling so pregnant. Right now.

 (They are going to send the tissue away for testing, perhaps we will get some answers from that. Perhaps not. I should know in about 3 weeks)

 Oh dear. Perhaps that belonged under ‘ugly’ as well.

I was surprised, and not surprised when the scan showed no heartbeat.  Surprised because I felt so pregnant.  I know what pregnant feels like.  And right up until that scan, I felt very pregnant.  I was not surprised because firstly it all felt so surreal to start off with, and secondly because bad news like this no longer has the power to surprise me.  Funny how those feelings, that room, that terribly still little blob on the scan all feels so achingly familiar.  It's as if I never left.

 I haven’t cried much since finding out there was no heartbeat. I’ve been brave. Putting on a brave face and joking around. Lightening up the mood so that other people wouldn’t feel bad for me. It's ok! I'm ok!  Look, I am fine, please don't worry about me!  I've hardly cried at all.  In fact I’ve cried more while writing this post than I have cried since 1:30pm yesterday when I got the news.

 I did cry a little when I got this note:

Dear TERTIA ALBERTYN

Details of your hospital admission

Patient's name: TERTIA ALBERTYN

Reason for going to hospital: Missed abortion

Hospital name: KINGSBURY HOSPITAL

Treating doctor:  WISWEDEL, HEYLEN & LE ROUX

Date of admission: 22/03/2007

Authorised length of stay*. 1.0 days

“Missed abortion”. I cried a little when I read that. (WTF does that mean any way? A bit crap calling it a missed abortion.)

 I cried when I told my mother the news and she started crying. I cried even more when she said “oh my daughter, you really have had to walk a long, hard road”. I hate that once again, my mother is crying for me. I keep causing my family so much pain.

 I cried when Rose cried after I told her the news.

 I cried when Marko seemed to want to hang on to the 1% chance that this might work out. (They did see a pulse, but they are 99% sure it was mine. I got back tomorrow for final confirmation that it is all over. My last scan before the D&C)

 I cried a little when I read your supportive messages.

 But besides that, I haven’t cried that much. I guess you get used to this after a while. I’ve been through worse.

 Which brings us to the good.

 When I got the news yesterday, all I wanted to do was rush home to my babies. I wanted to get home and hold them in my arms and drink in their smell. I got home and just held them tight. Until they said ‘stop it mama’. Buggers.

 Besides all the dark feelings above, my most overwhelming feeling is one of gratitude. I am so immensely grateful that I have my two kids. I am so, so, so unbelievably lucky and blessed. Words fail me to describe how enormous this feeling of gratitude is.

 This loss, more than any thing else has reminded me who lucky I am. How far I have come, how bad things were before and how blessed my life is now.

 As hard as this loss is, it is nothing compared to what life was like before Adam and Kate came into my life. This loss was a brief glimpse back into that world that I lived in for so long, that so many of my friends are still living in. What a dark, lonely, painful world. How lucky I am not to live there still.

 Being able to put my arms around my two healthy, living children is the most wonderful feeling in the world, and I am overwhelmed with how enormously lucky I am to be able to do that. I am trying so hard to try and put into words how huge this is for me, how lucky I feel. But I can’t find the right words. Loss is hard; infertility is much, much harder.

 I am really sad this little baby didn’t work out, but I am indescribably grateful I have my two beautiful children. It doesn’t make it better, but it does make it easier.

 My heart aches for every single one of you who are still yearning to have your arms and hearts filled in the way Adam and Kate fill mine. As always, you are in my heart.

 Thanks to all of you for your support and love. I really do feel lifted up by all of you. It helps so very much. 

I'll be ok, I am a survivor, I've been through worse.  I'll be ok, because the alternative is not an option for me.  I'll be ok, because I have to be.

Love to all of you.

Comments

[Em]

I know you know this but being sad for your loss doesn't make you less grateful for the G&D Kate and Adam. You've been sucker punched and that is not fair. I just mean to say be as sad as you feel, K&A will still be there and still be wonderful and wanted and appreciated as if you put on a brave face (again, not that you needed me to tell you). You have a precious family and I am so sorry for your loss.

[mellie]

I feel you, especially having just been through the same scenario a week ago, but I would have anyway based on your words. I totally get the feeling of gratitude for the babes. I feel it about my little guy; he makes it all somewhat bearable. I got through it by focusing on the fact that I can only change what I can change (huge for me since I basically feel as though I got pregnant by changing the odds through IVF which gives the illusion of control, somehow--ha!) and that I can't do anything about this thing. I'm glad you have people surrounding you who care and are grieving with you. Take care.

[e]

And love to you, dear girl. We all so, so wanted this to work for you, and are all so sad that it didn't (although the hope addict bit in me wants the pulse to be Couch's, not yours).

[Rach]

Hi T,
I know we have disagreed on things in the past (the whole stay at home fiasco - I've grown up a bit since then.) :) Anyway, just wanted to let you know that this post was beautiful and K & A are lucky to have you for a mama. It is so crystal clear how much you love them.

I'm sorry and I'm grieving with you.

Rachel
raqueljoy.livejournal.com

[MollieBee]

Love to you and your family.

[Anna]

Thanks. You totally made me cry.

I am so sorry this little one didn't make it. Sometime I hate all of our bodies for doing this to us. We'll be with you on Thursday, and every day after that. Hang in there, Tertia. I'm still holding out for the 1% too, sap that I am.

[21stCenturyMom]

Of course you'll be okay but for now you get to be brave when you need to be brave and you get to cry when you can and when you want to. I'm so sorry this happened.

[Teenuh]

I will say again how sorry I am that this baby was not to be. I hoped so hard for you, Tertia.

[Ute]

Oh Tertia... I guess we all know how grateful and full of love you are for your children. It shines through every single one of your postings. But you're also entitled to sadness, weakness, anger - anything that belongs to the process of mourning. One does not and should not exclude the other. Mourning is just another facet of love. In this case the love for a child you will unfortunately never meet.

B.t.w.: You're _not_ causing your family any pain at all, just as little as you're causing pain to your "friends in the computer". Your family loves you and therefore feels _your_ pain. That's a totally different thing altogether! Do you know what I mean?

[Tanya]

A bit of doctor jargon:
Abortion is a loss of fetus, so :
Spontaneous abortion is a miscarriage
Therapeutic abortion is a regular "abortion" done on a live fetus, by woman's choice- for genetic or personal reasons
Missed abortion is when the fetus dies but the body does not miscarry on its own

Sorry it sounds so demeaning

[alchemilla]

Dear Tertia,

What you wrote about your body - well, I wish I couldn't understand it but I do, word for word.

About Thursday - dear God, you poor woman and anyone who has to go through such a heartbreaking mockery of an outcome to a pregnancy. The time between now and then will pass, and then Thursday itself will pass - slowly, crawling on its hands and knees across broken glass - and you will go back home to the warmth of people who love you.

It is rare and true and profoundly admirable that in depths of this you describe yourself as lucky, and that your thoughts are with everyone still yearning for that first baby. Yes, you're right, but my God to have the grace and generosity of spirit to say so - now - well, dammit, I knew there was a reason I read you.

You know, T, you're not bad. Not bad at all.

[Jennifer]

My heart goes out to you. I've been reading since I started my own ttc journey, I remember when you posted that you were pregnant with K & A. Life is cruel sometimes. I'm so sorry it's been cruel again to you. My heart is breaking for you.

Missed abortion is a shit name to call it.

I'm so, so, sorry.

[Slim]

I loved this beautiful, warm, heartbreaking post (except for the apology for its being dark, because if you can't be dark with your friends in the computer, who can you be dark with?).

Plus, what Ute said.

[Kayla]

Oh GOD How I don't want to say this.. I don't want to be one of "those" people who says "but it happened to me".. but oh oh my... PLEASE request one more scan before the surgery. Please? It just pains me to hear you say you still feel pregnant. I went to the ER at 7 weeks pregnant (had no scan before then, that was based on my last period). Bleeding, cramping. The scan showed a 5 wk gestational sack, no fetal pole, no heart beat. They called it a missed miscarriage and told me to go to my OB. So I did, hcg levels dropped from over 6000 to 375 when they should have been doubling. Decided to let it happen naturally, a week later I went back, they drew blood, and did a scan. The scan showed a 6 week fetus with a heart beat.. just a subchorionic hemmorage. My due date was adjusted 2 weeks later, and my son cames a few days before his original due date. Please, just please make sure you get one more scan.

[leslie]

You need not apologize to anyone for going through hell. Much as we'd all rather be celebrating good news with you it's not your fault. Try to be gentle to yourself - early losses hurt and having to go through medical stuff like the D&C makes it all harder. I wish it hadn't happened and wasn't happening to you. I hope having Kate & Adam eases the pain a bit and I hope Thursday goes as easily as possible under the miserable circumstances.

[Kayla]

Hm... Well I guess it shows I was reading in a hurry and missed you were having another scan. My fault. I apologize.

[Rumour Miller]

I am terribly sorry for your loss. I cried while reading that. It isn't fair that so many of us have to suffer through infertility, loss of a pregnancy and the loss of a child.

P&PT with you and your loved ones.

[chandler]

Yes, yes, yes, to everything you wrote. The D&C is such a violation, but I could not bear to 'feel pregnant' another day.

One of the biggest slaps in the face (and there were many) is finding out that my medical records state I am a 'habitual aborter'. On the paperwork going along with our genetic testing, husband is listed as 'spouse of habitual aborter'. I know the medical terms originally were not meant to give offense, but abortion is such a charged word nowadays, why can't we choose a better term for those of us grieving babies that we would give anything to bring to life.

I am so very sorry for your loss. It should have been a miracle and it should have worked out in the end. We too had a 'miracle' pregnancy but my snippy reply is that it wasn't much of a miracle if it ended with me in stirrups, was it.

I am grieving with you. It isn't fair.

[expat]

Tertia, I am so very very sorry for your loss.

And, so very grateful that you can hold Adam and Kate while you cry. Be gentle with yourself.

[redsaid]

Thinking about you SO much...

[millie]

I'm so very very sorry and thinking of you so much these days. I know it's hard (perhaps impossible) but try to be gentle with yourself.

You aren't causing your family pain. They are hurting because they love you and you are hurting.

[Julie]

I felt a glimmer of relief when I read your words "I am really sad this little baby didn’t work out, but I am indescribably grateful I have my two beautiful children. It doesn’t make it better, but it does make it easier".

I thought of Adam and Kate as soon as I read your terrible news - I thought how lucky you are to have them - but I kept my thoughts to myself, because I felt that comments such as this had to come from YOU - does that make sense?

From anyone else it is just a platitude - because it's NOT about already having two G & D kiddies - it's about the NEW baby, who was so unexpected, but so massively loved for his or her short life.

OMG - don't you just wish you could hit the "fast forward" button in life, and get to a place where it doesn't hurt so damn much. I wish I could push that button for you.

Thinking of you all.

((((HUGS))))

[jenny]

You cried while you wrote this, I cried while I read this. Because we are dealing with MF infertility I have never felt the hatred towards my body that I have read so many of my blog friends talk about. Reading your description sounds so raw and hard. I am sorry you feel that your body betrayed you but other than the black hair, I hope you don't punish it (and I'm sure the hair looks G&D).

[clarissa]

i didn't think i could shed tears so easily for someone i've never met, but by reading your book and blog i almost feel like i know you - like you're a close friend. i'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. you've been through so much already. just know that there are thousands of people out there sending you lots of love and keeping you in prayer xxx

[Becky]

You and Marko (and K &A) will be in my thoughts and prayers Tertia.