(I started writing this in a light hearted way. It was meant to be humorous. It has ended up being very dark. I’m sorry. I guess joking around and trying to act fine doesn’t always work. I am doing this post as an extended one, it has got so long.)
Since the kids were born, I’ve slowly, cautiously starting trying to build a new relationship with my body. My body is the physical means of me being able to care for and mother my children. Without my body, I can’t care for them. And so slowly, slowly, I am started to build up respect for it, trust in it.
I was surprised, and not surprised when the scan showed no heartbeat. Surprised because I felt so pregnant. I know what pregnant feels like. And right up until that scan, I felt very pregnant. I was not surprised because firstly it all felt so surreal to start off with, and secondly because bad news like this no longer has the power to surprise me. Funny how those feelings, that room, that terribly still little blob on the scan all feels so achingly familiar. It's as if I never left.
Dear TERTIA ALBERTYN
Details of your hospital admission
Patient's name: TERTIA ALBERTYN
Reason for going to hospital: Missed abortion
Hospital name: KINGSBURY HOSPITAL
Treating doctor: WISWEDEL, HEYLEN & LE ROUX
Date of admission: 22/03/2007
Authorised length of stay*. 1.0 days
“Missed abortion”. I cried a little when I read that. (WTF does that mean any way? A bit crap calling it a missed abortion.)
I'll be ok, I am a survivor, I've been through worse. I'll be ok, because the alternative is not an option for me. I'll be ok, because I have to be.
Love to all of you.