Baby-proofing your marriage

As you know I am a fairly regular participant in the Mother Talk cyber book tours. The way it works is that you sign up to participate and then you are contacted and asked whether you would be interested in reviewing a particular book. I have to be selective about the tours I participate in because (a) I am so busy, (2) I am sure you don’t want this to become a book review site and (iii) there is no third reason, I just wanted to use roman numerals for the third option.

 The books I review on this blog are either books that might add value to my life (i.e. parenting / kids etc) or books that interest me. 

When the multi-talented and kindred spirit Andi Buchanan contacted me about this latest book, I begged her to participate! I told her “I need this book, ship it over to me ASAP!”

 You know how much I wanted kids …. enough to go through what I did. You know how much I love and adore being a mother.  It is not that my marriage is in trouble; it isn’t that I don’t love my husband – I do love him, lots. But boy oh boy, having kids can be tough on your marriage. I had no idea. People don’t tell you. Actually my sister did. She told me “never will you resent your husband as much as when you have kids”. I thought she was over-exaggerating. She was spot on. It’s tough sometimes.  

 This is a FABULOUS book! Fabulous, divine, LOVE this book. It is the type of book Marko hates. Not because it isn’t an excellent book that both partners would enjoy, but it is because it is the type of book that I get completely excited about and read out underlined paragraphs to him. Last night I made him lie next to me in bed and listen to the various points I had underlined. He loves that shit.  Not.  To be fair, I read both the pro-father points and the pro-mother points. 

 It is a funny, balanced book. It isn’t heavy, or prescriptive or ‘holier than thou’. What it does do is fairly present both sides of the parenting coin, in a really humorous way. You have no idea how much it helps to read that what you are feeling is normal, that many other women feel it too. That 'wanting to KILL your husband' feeling is normal! Other people feel it too! And it certainly makes you sit up and take notice when you recognize yourself in some of the behaviours described. I am ashamed to say that I am guilty of the very thing that men complain most about their partners – that women micromanage their partners when it comes to parenting.  That and the not enough sex thing – there is a whole chapter dedicated to that.  Damn. The book speaks about how we don’t allow our husbands to parent in their own way. (But our way is better!) The other day Marko dressed the kids himself (something I usually do because, well, I do it better) and he dressed Adam in a checked shirt and striped shorts and Kate in a pink top and red skirt. I had to force myself not to rush in and ‘fix’ things. 

 There is so much I want to say about this book, I am so excited about it. Every time I read a line in the book I want to read it out loud to someone.   I find myself nodding a lot when I read it.  It’s just so brilliantly obvious. It is a MUST for every couple with a new baby. The book has practical tips, funny anecdotes, personal stories and lots of easy-to-adopt advice. But for me, the best part of the book was the realization that it is not just me. That these Very Occasional murderous feelings I have towards my partner are all part of the process of adapting to parenthood. As a society, as women, we don’t talk about this enough, we really don’t. I keep thinking it is just me. Just us. And it really isn’t.

 The only teensy weensy little complaint about the book is that I wish they had focused a little more on differences in attitudes towards discipline and surviving toddlerhood. But that is purely for selfish reasons. Perhaps that will be a follow up book – Toddlerproofing your Marriage!

 GET THIS BOOK! This book and Mother Shock are the two most important books you need to read while still pregnant. Not What to Expect etc. These are the types that really prepare you. Loved this book. Highly recommended. Now I have to try persuade Marko to read it.  I think I have two chances - none and fuckall.  Oh well, will just have to continue reading passages out loud then.

 More info on the book here

 Buy the book here

 

Comments

[Kate]

hmm....do I micromanage? I'm not sure. glad I'm not the only one that annoys the crap out her husband reading improvement books to him! Will definitely have to check this one out.

[Northern Girl]

Do they have one for surviving teenagers?

[SheilaC]

You make it sound like a book I HAVE to read. Sounds very good.

You also make me laugh about Marko. My husband hates all those "parenting" books and magazines, and "talk about your feelings" books. He can't see any point in any of it, thinks it's all a waste of time. Also thinks reading blogs is a waste of time. Doesn't he understand, I read them because he won't talk about any of this stuff. Ha! (rolling eyes).

[MotherLawyer]

Moxie made a passing comment today about 2 years being the moment where parenting inequities hit the fan between mom and dad. Interesting timing.

I honestly think that being both very un-opinionated with how DH handles the boy while at the same time expecting him TO handle the boy himself has helped prevent murder at my house. (lots of teeth gritting on my part was required).

Hard stuff, these kids on marriage.

[Suzie-Q.]

How about a book on baby-proofing yourself for those of us without husbands who require advice on how having children will affect your life if you have them, period. ??

[Simonne]

Hello oh G & D one!

You'll love this, I know you will! After going to ground about 18 months ago, I've been back recently to check how you and the babes are (DH and I decided to start our family - cue infertility, 3 early miscarriages, a very dark interlude with clinical depression, surgery for endometriosis ...you get the picture!) AND I see the book is done! Woohoo! Rather than just using your links because I, of course, know so much better than you where your book is available, I jumped onto Amazon.com and rather lazily just entered "Tertia" and guess what?? Aside form the fact that I need to buy the book from Loot or Kalahari ... you can buy 'I love [well, big red heart anyway] Tertia mugs!' I shit you not. I laughed hysterically and had to tell you.

Have a fab day and I'm looking forward to reading the book xoxoxo

[Julia]

Hi Tertia, this is Julia, one of the co-authors of Babyproofing Your Marriage. Wow! Thanks for the great review! We're thrilled that you liked the book. You are spot on with your assessment that one of the main messages is that you are not alone. No matter how happy the marriage, most couples experience a little strain. It was a huge relief to the three of us to discover that. Ultimately, it's why we wrote the book. We've had a great time working on it. It means a lot to know that it has made a difference to you. We spoke to hundreds of couples around the country and learned so much along the way. We'd love to keep the conversation going. Thanks for being a part of the dialogue!

[Jodi]

Thanks for sharing this info about Babyproofing your Marriage. What a smart idea! I have to completely agree that no one can possible prepare you for the obstacles of parenting and maintaining a great or even good marriage. Add in the mix the frustrations of infertility and there is even more strain.

I look forward to getting my hands on a copy of this book.

[tracey]

I loved the book too. My review will be up on my blog tomorrow. : )

[Judy]

Good - I'm looking for good reads this year - this will be one to find and get!

[Summer]

Where's the book on infertility-proofing your marriage? My husband and I survived a late-term loss quite well, one of those "grief makes you closer" things, and when we had our son, we did just fine at keeping our marriage strong through (thus far) four years of parenting. But now it's the secondary infertility that's destroying us.

I can make time for sex. I can overlook the way he puts the boy in mismatched pajamas. I can't bear that his way of dealing with almost two years of IF is to tell me -- last night! -- that he doesn't want another kid after all. Ouch.

It's all about supporting each other, isn't it?

[Busy Mom]

I LOVED this book. How wonderful to know we're not alone!

[Stacie]

Hi Tertia, this is Stacie, another co-author of the book. Thank you so much for your kind words. Your response highlights a key point I would like to make. Writing and promoting a book with great friends is one thing. Feeling like you are starting a dialogue that may help couples (indirectly helping the innocent, the kids)? Indescribable.

Thanks again for the great review. I wish you and your family all the best.

[jenny]

I was at Costco and almost passed it by when I thought "hey, isn't that the book Tertia told me to read"? I can't put it down!

[angel]

i LOVE books like that, i also own a few parenting books and several on adhd...
and like you i am also a chronic underliner and highlighter of my textbooks! a bonus is that it makes it easier for others to read by simply reading the highlighted portions...
mwaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha!