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actually I would like the husband-thingy too, but I agree that it is too impossible.

I would like a device similar to the pain-o-meter, except that you use it on your young child who is yet unable to talk, and it tells you exactly why they are crying or what is wrong with them. They start crying in the middle of the night and it tells you "Ear infection" or "stomach bug." No more guessing why your infant is seemingly crying for no reason!

Definitely a machine that can stop time. So I can finish my cup of tea, go to the toilet without interruption and enjoy a minute of peace and quiet

I would invent a pocket of extra time every day and a clone of me, roughly equivalent to a days' work (about 8 hours) that my alter ego could earn the money while I still get to do exactly what I want all the time. Not so much an invention as a complete shift in time and place as we know it. Not much to ask really.

Tertia, #7 does exist. But the only time I've seen it is in gay marriages. And I'm not even joking.
Really though, I would invent myself a wife, not so much to go to work for me, but to help share the family responsibilities and maybe even go shopping with me. I would also invent GPS chips that implant in my kids, and send signals to my cellphone.

I would invent a teleporter for my bladder. That way when it's full and I have no access to a toilet/can't leave where I am (this happens far more foten than you'd think) I could just press a little button and all the pee would instantly disappear from my bladder and inot the sewer. When I think of all the embarassing situations I could have avoided with this invention....

Too funny!
I'd invent a device that my toddler could "speak" into and it would instantly translate what he wanted so I could understand it.

Because it's that time of year and I am thinking about it...

1.) Decorations that place themselves in accordance with what makes you happy without making you work. When the time is right, said decorations will also re-pack themselves into a very tiny, inconspicuous box.

2.) Small toy part(s) collector. It seems like every toy my older son owns now has 1-2 smaller parts. We're always losing them and then they seem to appear in the middle of my living room at 3 AM when I need to get something from downstairs. This little doo-hickey would find all these little parts and put them back with the original toy each night.

3.) Self-cleaning carpet. Similar to the self-cleaning oven, this carpet would clean itself in a few hours. Leave the house to go grocery shopping and to the bank and come home to a fresh smelling, stain-free (or at least stain-lightened) carpet!

I would invent some sort of device to keep my 6 year old son from pissing all over the bathroom. For example, push a button and little walls come up around the sides and back of the toilet to prevent stray shots of urine from hitting the walls and floor. Or, even better, each time a little pee hit the floor it would buzz (and by buzz, I mean electrocute...just a little shock, really) his feet. Or, you know, other places...

Sorry...just stepped in a bit of pee when walking into a bathroom that smells of urine no matter how much bleach I use.

I've got the computer one for you. Get a mac! They just go to sleep and never need to be restarted (It's been a month since I restarted my computer). You just open the laptop and it's ready. No waiting. :)

I agree, a clone of me to do all the chores and refereeing between kids while I only do the fun stuff. That would be freaking fabulous.

Being short as I am (5'2"), I'd also like to invent some technology that would enable me to be taller permanently without looking it look "fake".

Also! How about a cheap and easily accessible pill that cures world hunger??

I could go on..

Lastly, #4 does exist Tertia!!! Abso-fucking-lutely. It's called an Apple. :-) I have the PowerBook (laptop) and it's sweet. Newer ones are even cooler, with built in cameras. When you're done, you just close it without shutting it off. When you open it the next time, it takes about 15 seconds if that for it to re-establish internet connection, if you have broadband. Genius. Get an Apple! Oops. That goes against your prof job as an IBMer... Hmm.

Darn. Egg Donor beat me to the comment about the computer.

I would invent:

A money tree.
A puppy that never poops, needs walking or needs to be fed to entertain my children.
A "Commitment-o-meter". A device that detects a man's ability to commit.

An ex-wife immunity necklace. It would protect me from any anger or frustration caused by my husbands poor choice of first marriages.

I've always wanted a teleporter-door for my house. Oops! It's raining and I'm a hundred miles from home with no coat! No problem! I'll just open this door here... and grab my coat from the front hallway...Great. Now, where were we?

Also, it'd be great for all those times I'm running late to get to an appointment. And think of all the fuel I'd save, teleporting straight to the doctor's office!

I like your fingernail idea, but I'd like to refine it a step further: Go for the toenails, not the fingernails, so that the assvice brigade doesn't start with you before anything isn't for-sure viable. A gal should have secrets...

Which reminds me about the tint: There should be an option so that they start to tint when you *ovulate*, and the color could be greenish if the egg is crap so you know not to try that cycle.

My version of the blue fingernail thing is colored nipples. This way you can hide it from ppl if you're not ready to announce it. The moment conception occurs your nipples turn colors. Blue for boy, pink (hot pink) for girl, and one of each if it's b/g twins. That really doesn't seem too much to ask.

ONE-MINUTE GENERAL ANESTHESIA IN TASER FORM! Picture this: your toddler has to have blood drawn or an IV inserted. They are shrieking and hopping up and down on the doctor's table, banging against your head and torso. You reach into your diaper bag, point a sleek little trigger-mechanism at a fleshy part of their body, and instantly they go limp and asleep, waking up a minute later with the shot over or IV done. I would say five-minute general anesthesia in taser form, but some people would abuse it like a snooze bar every morning or to ride out tantrums or the teen years, and we couldn't have that. This would be for true emergencies, like when they have a really big hard booger that they are defending from your tissue-weilding hands with extreme prejudice. Or when you're on the phone getting medical test results and they fall at your feet and bang their head and get ready to howl while you find out whether it's benign or you're pregnant again or they do or don't need surgery. Or, you know, if you're quick on the draw, when you crack your elbow and need to scream "FUCK!" and hop up and down, and then slam the door on your way out of the room :-)

yest! I'm in my two week wait now, and I'm not very paitient!

I really really want a teleporter...and I would love your #1

I want the sick o'meter, it is much needed, especially during pms!

Just two worries re. your fantastic inventions-
People trying to conceive would start hating you and letting down the tyres of your car the moment your fingernails turned even the slightest hint of blue.
And...
What happens if the pain-o-meter actually did show that your arsehole, sorry husband was sicker than you?

Even WD-40 doesn't work? I thought it worked on everything!

I want a device on which you can set a temperature, and it will turn on and off the heating and air conditioning so that that temperature is maintained. Sounds simple enough, right? I think I'll call it a thermostat.

I want a lung vacuum and a gas eliminator. The lung vacuum would be inserted into your mouth, turned on, and it would suck out all the phlem from your post nasal drip that keeps you up all night long coughing.

The gas eliminator would be some kind of needle that you stick into your stomach and all the bloat and gas would just rush out and your tummy would flatten right out!

Oh, and there's always the full body zipper. Installed on the side of your body, it opens up so the doctors can do an instant fat removal without surgery.

You should be able to get new hinges that don't squeak. I would try the better "home" stores. You might need to shave, refit or just get a new door. But a quiet door is definitely obtainable.

Try ballet lessons to help your clumsiness?

I would invent a pill that made my one hour of sleep be 8 hrs of sleep especially during the holidays (work retail).

The instant boot up computer? Buy a Mac ;)

[we just switched from PC and are now boring evangelical Mac-types. at least i had Macs before PCs, so my husband is the really boring evangelical 'i want to marry my machine' type!]

I used to tell my friends it would be nice if your pinky finger would just turn blue if you were pregnant. But, even then there'd be women like me saying to their friends "does my finger look a little blue to you? What about in this light, or what if I turn it this way."

haha, I think I'm a bit of everything of #7. I guess I just put in effort (most of the time unconsciously) for my relationship to work. Don't say men like that don't exist :)

Actually, my hubby is a #7, they DO exist, you just usually find them at a church, not a bar!

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