What would I do without you, Julie and Jesus?

You are all helping me, so much.  More than you know. So, thank you.

 It’s funny, I’ve wanted to speak about this for so long, but I felt too scared / shy / embarrassed / afraid to talk about it. I wish I had done so sooner. Just by writing it down, things seem a lot less terrifying. And reading your supportive comments and experiences has made me feel so much more hopeful, so much less pathetic.

 And then there is sister Mel*. Who sent me this note:

 
My very clever sister once said.........

1.  your perception is your reality
2.  there is NO logic in emotion
3.  happy pills are lovely
4.  feeling sad doesn't mean you do not recognize or appreciate the blessings in your life

  Some chick huh! 

 Of course I say you need Jesus!  hallelujahhhhh.

Try Xxxx & Xxx’s new church.  Having God in my life means I have a filter.... everything crappy, sad, nasty is filtered through and comes out a little better in the end.  Filter doesn't work so well when PMS but mostly its my anti-depressant.

Now sing with me...........

Jesus loves me this I know
For the bible tells me so
Little one to him belongggggg

(Mmmmm, I am not hearing you.   )

They are weak but he is stronggggg.............

 

Between her Jesus note and Julie calling me an asshole, I feel better already.  Next therapy session on Friday. Good.

 

* Sister Mel is called ‘sister Mel’, not because she is a bible-quoting, happy-clapping, hymn-singing, lover-of-Jesus, but because my best friend is also called Mel. Both Mel’s are always referred to by their prefix, either Friend Mel or Sister Mel. This note refers to sister Mel.

PS:  Read her latest update on her Bosom Buddies charity, v cool.

PPS:  This is the Lynn, Millie and Bridgette she is referring to.  Thanks guys, you rock. Your help couldn't have come at a better time, my sister was feeling really low and despondent.

Comments

[socal]

You are wonderful. That being said, you can't possibly derive so much positive reinforcement from a few messages. You have to know that you're wonderful for MANY other reasons. You have so many people who love you.

You also have to give something up. Yes, you have to give something up. It doesn't have to be your children or husband. It doesn't have to be your family. It might be something else. You're expectations of perfection, your need to make everyone else feel ok.

Honey, I don't know what IT is that you need to give up, but you have to pick. You've been doing so much, taking care of so much for too long.

You already know that you can't give up on the obvious (including your job as I didn't mention that before - you obviously have to work - so do I).

You have to (for your own health) ask for more help and expect that people will pitch in. It does take a village.

[socal]

I didn't mean to be first. I don't actually care if I'm first. My advice stands. Give something in your life a break because otherwise you'll break. Talk to your doctor. If your leg hurts, you'd fix that without guilt. So, something else, your heart and brain, hurt. Work on fixing that too. I think you're wonderful.

[Boulder]

*sniff sniff*

I just love it when Julie gets all sentimental with you.

xoxo

[Chickenpig]

Very cool (and wise)sister you have. Could someone tell me why Julie always calls you an asshole? I feel like an asshole because I don't know....or is it just one of those things?

[Jul]

We're all here for ye, woman... it's so awful to feel this way; it's, for us Photoshop geeks, like a desaturating filter on the entire world. Nothing seems as appealing or as good as it could be. But you have a ton of people who think you're awesome and are rooting for you, and hopefully one day soon, the color will start seeping back in.

[Judy]

Support is 90% of the effort...and you have a lot of it, girl! What wonderful friends and family to surround yourself with!

[Monica]

You want to know why you're sad now and not when things were going more poorly and it might have made more sense? It's because you are strong.

I have noticed that strong women tend to hold it together through the truly stressful parts of their lives, and only when it is safe, when there is time, do they allow themselves the time to fall apart.

I don't have the same issues with depression, but I do find the same thing happens with my immune system. I can work through insane project deadlines, long hours, weekends to get things done, and as soon as the pressure is off and I get a couple nights of real sleep and relax my immune system goes on vacation and I get miserable colds.

You just keep hanging on until it's safe to let go, and then you have time to get the support you need. It's a survival mechanism and it's telling you it's time for someone else to help you. Sounds like you've got all those people lined up :)

[ManhattanAnne]

Thankyou as always for your amazing emotional honesty. I have been feeling much the same way: having a high-pressure job and an intense devotion to my hard-won baby is making me feel anxious and overwhelmed rather than fulfilled. (And I have given up blogging!) I think, perhaps, this is an IF survivor state of mind... Reading your blog is so helpful for gaining perspective. Your combination of introspection and extroversion is a rare thing and a gift to us all. Hope all your coping measures will help make a dent in how you're feeling.

[Suzie-Q.]

Hee hee! Am so glad you said this b/c when i read Julie's "Asshole" comment i laughed to myself and thought..., "That's exactly the medicine Tertia truly needs... a bit of sarcasm from her asshole buddy Julie"! Seriously.
Nice to see you haven't lost your sense of humor through all this... then i'd really start to worry about you!

XOXO
Suz

[mel]

It IS because we are G&D, and Clever, and Witty, and Famous, and Rich (ok, maybe not) We can't be oblivious - which is a good thing, cos then we wouldn't get the "asshole" thing - AND wouldn't know the doos wyn from the Chardonnay. Get.Those.Pills. Love youuuuuuuuuuu Ahole horribilus.
ps - it could be worse, you could have Bee's feet...
mwa ha haaaa!!!

[mel]

It IS because we are G&D, and Clever, and Witty, and Famous, and Rich (ok, maybe not) We can't be oblivious - which is a good thing, cos then we wouldn't get the "asshole" thing - AND wouldn't know the doos wyn from the Chardonnay. Get.Those.Pills. Love youuuuuuuuuuu Ahole horribilus.
ps - it could be worse, you could have Bee's feet...
mwa ha haaaa!!!

[Leggy]

I think most IF-survivors have a bit of post-traumatic stress disorder to cope with. Its a very trying, difficult, overwhelming time and when its over, its not just over, it needs to be processed and put in perspective, and then re-processed and re-processed over and over at various points.

I'm glad you are feeling better and that writing about it helps. I'm finding similar things myself lately. I hope you will continue to talk about it.

[Wenchy]

This entry made me laugh allot!

[susan]

I am so there with you sister. My mom got cancer and died when I was young, my dad became an abusive alcoholic, the brother of a friend stalked me for 4 years, blew up my car and carved his name in my arm with a razor blade. Flash forward 15 years, I am happily, nay ECSTATICALLY married to the man of my dreams, living in my dream house in a job making more money than I ever dreamed I'd get, I can work from home, set my own hours, blah,blah,blah! And suddenly, I can't sleep at night due to anxiety attacks.

WTF!?! After 4 months of therapy, the answer seems to be that suddenly I have something I am very afraid to lose. My life prior to this had me living in a "fight or flight" mode of just surviving.

Your infertility struggle might have been very much like that. And now you have something extremely important to lose. Not that Marko and your siblings/parents etc weren't as important. But they weren't your kids.

Who knows if that's really it, but, that conclusion worked for me. Therapist felt my strongest fear was "what if something happened to my DH?" and she made me play that "what if" game all the way to the end. What if something horrible really did happen to him? How would I deal, what would I do to get through it...after about 20 sessions of working through all those fears and how I would cope, I had a bit of a plan - which, for me, is always better than being backed into a corner with no way out.

Anyway, might think/chat about that with your therapist? Either that or I am a complete asshat. Whatever, it worked for me.

Good luck though because I KNOW how badly that sucks - to lie awake at night thinking about all that stuff, pain in my chest, head swimming, feeling like you can't breathe. Ugh!