The lunchtime sideshow

I can’t complain too much, my kids are ok’ish eaters. I’ve seen far worse. My poor sister, all her kids were fussy eaters and just about every meal time ended up tears, hers. My kids aren’t that bad, but it takes a big bloody song and dance to get them to eat their meals* sometimes.

 They are still sitting in their high chairs to eat and the tray has to be filled with interesting and fun objects, or else they won’t want to eat. A bowl and a spoon (“mixing mixing mixing”), a plastic cow, a toy car, an old wallet…whatever, but something entertaining. And we can’t rely on today’s fun thing being good enough for tomorrow. Oh no. Insufficient entertainment means vigorous shaking of the head and a “no” at every mouthful.  Lips clamped shut. Sometimes accompanied by my personal favourite: the swatting away of the offending spoon, sending the contents of said spoon all over my clothes, their hair etc. Love that one. V v much. Wish they would do it more often.

 But sometimes even that is not enough and I have to be the entertainment. I look at myself and think ‘if people could see me now’. I laugh (falsely), I sing (badly), I imitate animal noises (“Look at mommy! What does a cow say? Moooo”). I play “where’s the XYZ” (insert name of object hidden under bowl by child), “THERE it is!!” (bowl removed by child to reveal hidden object), over and over and over again. All to get them to eat. A travelling circus show provided by Mother.

 Do you do this? Or do you just think “oh well, if you don’t want to eat, then don’t eat”. I can’t do that. I am so paranoid they will be hungry and not be able to tell me. Imagine! My poor babies hungry! Plus I want to make sure they get enough nutrients etc. I suppose if they weren’t my first of (live) children I wouldn’t worry as much? I worry too much, I know. They are not going to starve to death by not eating for a meal or two.

 And then, to top it all, today we get home from the kiddies play place and I put them in their highchairs to give them lunch. I turn my back to get the lunch and when I turn back Marko has given them a chip each. So of course they are totally not interested in proper lunch, they just want more chips. “More! MORE!!! Yummy yummy MORE!!!! Baaawwaaawwwaaaa!!!!” I could fucking kill him. He loves doing that, giving them treats. Which is fine, but I wish he wouldn’t do it just before a meal.

 Arrgh! I suppose I should take a chill pill and just relax. (Just relax!! Hahahaha! I told myself to ‘just relax’).

 Do you stress about your kids eating properly or is it just me? I suppose you stress less as they get older, right? Bloody hell, I am an anal, paranoid PITA mother. I irritate myself sometimes.

*Please note however, that they have no problem with eating sweets and candy.

 

Comments

[Margot]

My little boy is 10 months old, and he will ONLY eat if I basically sit with the plate in front of me, pretending its for me and pretending to ignore him. Then he'll sidle up and start picking food off the plate.

[ginabommer@aol.com]

i have 5 kids.... my youngest isabella eats barely enough to survive... i never forced food on my kids.... they will eat when they are hungry... my pediatrician.. who i have been going to for 24 years... tells me all the time... not to worry so much about what they eat... as long as they eat... all five are healthy... my oldest is 24... then 20.... 17....13 and 5.... gina

[Chelsea]

My son is 10 months old, so I guess it's pretty early yet, but I feed him three "meals " a day and a couple snacks. I just put little bits out at a time and if he wants to eat, he will.

I remember hearing that small children need a ridiculously small amount of food to survive so I try not to worry. Plus, he still drinks milk so I guess I figure it will all work out in the end.

As for being the entertainment, I do that too, but only a little bit- I'm not as patient as you seem to be and I am easily distracted by other things.

Of course it's easy to be blasé when he's a fairly easy eater, it will probably be a whole different story when he asserts his independence more!

[Kim]

I can relate to this. My son is 16 mths old and he needs entertainment in order to eat. I don't provide the circus but there is a neverending supply of playthings to take his mind off the eating and yes I do worry about nutrition. Another thing is I'd love to find something he loves to eat and is enthusiastic about but as yet I haven't found it. I do notice though that when I am out and around other children - he is more interested in their snacks than the ones I have packed for him. It makes him look like a cadger and it is a little embarrassing. I am thinking please, come eat your Russian alphabet bread or even your animal biscuits or evem an apple etc but nope - he is more interested in what someone else is getting to eat. Just like when we go to the swimming pool and I have a bag packed full of his toys to play with in the child pool. He wants what someone else has to play with and no doubt they will have some problem with sharing and so when he goes to play with something - they will come a rushing to grab it off him. Frustrating all of this sometimes but I guess I also have to 'just relax'..

[Katy]

I like the Dr. Sears approach. My job is to provide a variety of healthy food. My kids' job is to decide what & how much to eat. If they are hungry, they will eat.

[Amy]

My nearly-one-year-old daughter is a good eater, most of the time. I taught her the sign for "more" and lately she seems to be using it instead of "eat" when she's hungry. I'll be changing her diaper and she'll start saying "more more more" so I know it's time to give her something to eat. That has eliminated a lot of the "is she getting enough" stress. Your kids are talking, so they can ask you if they are truly hungry.

Have you tried giving them choices? "You can have cereal or scrambled eggs... Which would you like?" Giving them some control may help. Make sure that both choices are things that you're willing to follow through with. You don't want to offer macaroni and cheese or filet mignon if you're fresh out of macaroni. :)

Letting them "help" you make the meal may help, too. You might have to get creative to find ways that they can help without making a mess, but you're creative. It sounds like they like to mix...

My mom used to make one meal for the family ("I am NOT a short order cook!") and if we didn't want it or didn't like it, we could have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Once we were old enough, we had to make the sandwich (and clean up our mess) ourselves. I remember doing that very few times, growing up, mostly when she had made fish. 'Course, it helps that my mom's a great cook.

I always offer fruit if my daughter's not eating well. She loves fruit and will always eat it. It's sweet, and it tastes like a treat. When she's older we'll start the PB&J rule.

Good luck!

[blackbird]

Red lights and warning bells are going off all around me as I read this...
NO
GOOD. (for me anyway)
If they depend on being entertained, nay, DEMAND being entertained, in order to do what people do when they are merely hungry? You have worked yourself into a bit of a corner.

I come from the 'they'll eat when they are hungry' school, so this is foreign to me.

Then again - I am also from the
'if it works for you' school.

They are eating.
You are happy.

Leave it alone.

[Em]

I really don't worry too much about how much they eat. They won't starve themselves. Eventually, they will eat. I used to (my kids are a bit older now - 4 and 3, I am talking about when they were A & K's age) feed a meal every 4 hours - 8, 12, 4 and a snack before bed. It made me feel better to know if they were going to be assholes about it at 8, they weren't going to wait very long for the next chance to eat.

That said, my son is a bit of a picky eater and my problem isn't that he doesn't eat enough or the right foods, its that we spend quite a bit of time at my parents house who, like Marko, love to give treats. Why would he eat crappy old salmon or vegtables if Nanie will eventually give him a cookie? Eh, what can you do?

I do remember being a bit of a one woman circus to keep their attention but I have a pretty low tolerance for that so if it became more than just drawing their attention back to the spoon, I called it a day.

Not to be preachy or tell you how to do things in your house but Adam and Kate are around 15 mos or so now, right? I bet you could cut people food really small and just leave it on their trays, let them do the work. I think they are probably old enough for that (of course, you know best). Maybe worth a shot?

[KellyH]

I believe the "rule" on the amount they need at one meal is a walnut (walnut in the shell) sized portion for every year of age they are. It's a control issue for little kids. I wouldn't worry about it too much. And I, for one, wouldn't provide the entertainment. Toys in the high chair are ok, but would I stand on my head to get my kids to eat? No way. I offer the food, then if they aren't eating after a while, or are simply playing, then mealtime is over. Try again at the next meal, or provide a decent snack in beween. But this is just what works for me.

[Andrea]

Ha! I love any topic where I can get up on my self-righteous soap box. :-D So I will try not to do that but I know my foot will involuntarily creep towards said box. I (so far) have one son, 6 years old. I b/f'd him exclusively for awhile and fretted madly that he wasn't eating enough/long enough/from each side/etc. He went from 8 lbs. at birth to 14 lbs. at 2 months only on breastmilk. So huh. And all that story is just to build up to my next attitude on eating: After watching many friends living nightmarish picky toddler lives, I decided to heck with it, my son would eat what I gave him and that was that. And most of the time he did/does that, and sometimes he won't. I will give him healthy snacks inbetween meals, but not too close to meals. And also as he's gotten older, I make him at least *try* something I put on his plate. Probably since he was 3 1/2, I have cooked ONE meal for the whole family. And both my attitude and his general good eating have worked well with this method. I *know* there are kids with real eating problems, sensory stuff, FTT, and that's DIFFERENT and I understand. But I think (on soap box now) some toddler pickiness is encouraged by parents that pander to them. I have seen friends do it! "OH, Bobby doesn't like the banana! Give him more Goldfish!" I have a friend whose boy survived on Goldfish, fruit gummies, and hot dogs for YEARS! So is there any assvice buried in here? Not sure. If the song-and-dance routine is wearing you out, I'd suggest gradually tap dancing less, and eventually K & A will figure out they have to eat even if mommy doesn't entertain. They may put their noses up at a few meals, but if they are healthy-sized kiddos, it won't hurt them. They won't starve!

[Judy]

I come from the "if they are hungry enough, they will eat it" school. My boys learned early on that you either eat what is served and when it is served or it is a long time (for them) until the next meal (5 meals a day). My youngest is 21 months old and he knows - you eat what is in front of you. Of course, he has built-in entertainment at every meal in the form of his older brother LOL. My older son, now 6, went through that whole "I'm only eating chicken nuggets" phase for about 4 days before he realized I meant business and wasn't going to feed him a "special" meal just to get him to eat. He liked green beans last week, he can like them again this week.

Anyway, that's just my opinion and how I run my drill-sergeantish household...may not work for yours - just letting you know what I do! :-)

[Mother]

After talking to a few moms at lunch the other day (the first time I've done this in AGES), I found out we all do. We all chase them around, we all try to hide things in casseroles, we all bargain, and we all obsess about it.

That and the napping - someone should really warn you when you have kids.

[Foster]

Are you still feeding them yourself? They are old enough to feed themselves and many toddlers do not want to be fed but will readily feed themselves. And it is true that serving sizes for toddlers is REDICULOUSLY small. Like, how can they survive small. But it truly is enough! A serving size of meat is the size of one (yes, ONE) nine-volt battery! I have a paper on the serving sizes from our nutrition place at work.

I do not have kids, but run the one year old room at my daycare, so I work w/ kids the twins age. I do not have time to cajoll every kid into eating every lunch. I encourage them, but they eat or dont, their problem *shrug*

[b]

your kids are celebrities already. i'm shocked they don't have movie contracts.

[Carla Hinkle]

Umm, if it works for you, OK. But I am imagining the "sideshow" will get a bit old for you in the not too distant future. There are two issues I see with mealtimes: 1) food getting eaten and 2) instilling the pattern of sitting at the table together during mealtimes.

I do very little to make my 2 (almost 2.5) year old daughter eat. She has never been the greatest eater. I provide her wtih healthy foods (I try to make it at least 1 or 2 things I know she will eat) and leave it at that. I did start to limit her milk consumption at 18 months to encourage eating solid food, but that is about it.

But I do not have the patience to entertain her (much). And to be honest I want to preserve the fiction that mealtime is for eating, not playing (ha ha ha but I do try). That is not to say we don't sometimes have toys at the table -- but I try to keep it at one or two and to be eating myself (something) so she gets the idea that it is a mealtime.

When my daughter was about the age of your two we took the tray off her high chair and pushed it up to the table. Great idea. She now talks about "family dinner" which we don't have every day, but at least we're working on it.

Anyway, just my 2 cents on it. The children are gorgeous and adorable and I'm sure you'll figure out what works for you if you get sick of the current system!

[colicmommy]

I did the song and dance with colicboy. And now at age 3.5, he STILL wants me to help him eat by spoon-feeding him stuff sometimes. Mostly he'll do it himself now, but some days...

I swore up and down with my second (Mellowgirl) that I wouldn't make the same mistake. So far, at age 9 months, if she won't eat, then I'm done. I won't dance and sing to get her to open her mouth for the spoon. If she's hungry, she's hungry. She'll figure it out.

If it works for you, T, go ahead. But if you are doing it now, you'll likely be doing it at age 3, too. If you don't want that, learn from my mistake and stop doing it. They'll refuse to eat for several meals, for sure. But the hunger-survival thing will kick in. They will NOT starve themselves to death. Trust me. And do not let anyone, including Marko, give them treats during this time of "weaning off of mealtime entertainment". That will undermine the whole thing.

It's like sleep training. You hate to do it...but...should you be entertaining them to eat food?

Good luck!

[Rachel H.]

I'm at the far end of the lackadaisical spectrum, so take what I say with a grain of salt... I'm a little surprised to hear you're still spoon-feeding the kiddos, to be honest. Surely they can finger-food feed themselves and make an approximation with a spoon + fingers for non-finger-food items?

If you were asking for advice (not sure if you are), I would say ... ditch the toys and super-entertainment routine. It is not your job to coddle children into eating. Unless they have some sort of sensory disorder, or a health problem, they are perfectly capable of self-regulating food intake. Put out reasonably good food for a reasonable period of time, and then put it away. If they chuck food, eating time is done! It is normal for toddler appetites to wax and wane, and some days you will wonder how it is possible for them to bounce off the walls on only 10 calories, but very very few children are so stubborn as to starve themselves. Malnourishment ... eh, your kids are probably fine on this count too. Try to think of their consumption as averaged over a week or two, and don't worry about a day where they eat only grapes, chocolate milk, and potato chips.

In my (unsolicited) opinion, one of the most annoying things to watch is kids who manipulate their parents during mealtimes. I am currently babysitting a little boy who has a HUGE song and dance he goes through with his mom and dad. He tried it here for months before I convinced him that I wasn't going to play. Now, he sits at my table and eats his food. No complaints, no dilly-dallying, no games. When his mom is present it is all about tears, cajoling, begging, fighting, negoiating ... ugh.

[sweetisu]

I do this all.the.time. Even with my second child, although it is much less. I imagine it's simply because I have less time/patience/energy and not because I stress less about her not getting enough nutrients or enough to eat etc.

There comes a point when I will not spoondfeed our older child anymore but every now and again I'm still feeding him (he's 3 for god's sake) coz I'm still paranoid that his growth will be stunted if he doesn't eat enough.. well. someday. hopefully before he leaves for college.

[Soralis]

My fella's are 12 months old and I worry about what I am feeding them and how much all the time. I suppose it only gets worse!

Take care

[MsShad]

I had the same experience in my daycare as Rachel H.

Are you still spoon feeding them because of the mess? Then you're cheating them out of a new learning experience with food. There's plenty of finger foods available that aren't sloppy gooey messy, and they have a bath at the end of the day.

The best thing you can do is ignore their eating habits. Parents are the #1 source of eating problems. If mama/papa are a source of entertainment - of course they're gonna not pay attention to food. At their age, they are perfectly capable of telling you when they're hungry. All the suggestions above are great. Just serve the food and ignore it. Mom and Dad need to model eating too. Don't react to the mess - that's attention they'll seek out next time, even it it's negative attention.

[Elle]

Oh God I couldn't do that, good on you for having the patience. My daughter (17 months) feeds herself and I figure if she's hungry she'll eat. I try to have one thing handy that she usually likes so if she doesn't like what my husband and I are eating I can easily offer an alternative (like rice, pasta, or some kind of fruit). I only offer the alternative once though. The only time I spoon/fork-feed her is when she's eating something tricky like rice and is really hungry and can't shovel it in fast enough. Some days she eats a lot, sometimes a "normal" amount, and some days hardly anything. I figure it all balances out. On days when she seems to be eating less (teething, just distracted etc) I offer extra milk and leave it at that.

[PCOSMama]

Well, my husband and I did the whole 'song and dance' routine when our daughter first switched from just breast milk. Basically when it was baby cereal and baby food. Once she started on solids, even that didn't work anymore! If she wants to eat, she will, otherwise nothing we do makes a difference. I used to fight with her practically every meal and we would both end up in tears, then I did a bunch of research and it seems the general consensus is that kids will eat when they are hungry and doing things to coerce them into eating doesn't teach them to have a proper relationship with food. With me, my daughter was learning to associate food with anger, with you they possibly are learning that they need to be entertained to eat. My daughter will be 2 in 8 days and as much as I sometimes want to force food into her, I try to just take a few seconds to collect my thoughts and calmly tell her that if she isn't hungry, then so be it. I'll offer her a few choices for each meal and if she doesn't want any of it, okay. She has skipped many meals and she hasn't starved yet! I do, however, tend to feed her rather than her feeding herself. She has such a hard time with spoons!

Anyways, after all that possibly not needed info, it comes down to this - my thought is that it would be a good idea to encourage them to eat in other ways than you entertaining them. Since there are 2 of them, maybe you could make it a game to see who can eat more of said food. Or they could even feed eachother - my daughter absolutely loves feeding us and her little friends! Just some thoughts..... in the end, they are your kids and mother always knows best!

[Rayne of Terror]

Are you still feeding them? That may be the change you need to make, self feeding. My son is slightly younger than Adam and Kate and I haven't fed him for months. It's messy, v messy, but there are no power struggles at mealtime and he eats well most of the time.

[Elizabeth]

I see a common thread in these comments- Let them feed themselves now, or you'll be doing it for a lo-o-og time. Pull their high chairs up to the table, fill everyone's plate and let them dig in. They should be feeding themselves now and family dinners are important. However, like everything else, what works for you, works for you. You are right, they won't starve. I'll bet they will tell you if they are hungry too!

[Accidental Poet]

You're going to have to stop sooner or later, and why not sooner??? You're not doing them any favours, not letting them handle this themselves. Plop 'em in their high chairs, give 'em their food, and leave them for awhile. LEAVE.

As many of us have said - they won't starve themselves.