The Shape of a Mother

You probably have all been to this site already, but for those who haven’t, it is pretty powerful stuff.

 How does this make you feel? 

 I don’t have time to put my thoughts down now, (off to get my braces removed, yay!) but I would like to talk about this a little when I am back.

K, back.  Braces off, teeth feel divine, more on that tomorrow. Back to the subject at hand.

 

So here are my feelings are this: Firstly, I think this is a wonderful site and it is doing a great service to plenty of women by making them realize they are not alone. I admire the women who have posted immensely. I think they are wonderful.

 Will it do any thing to make a dent in the stereotypical image of the perfect / ideal / airbrushed woman? Probably not. But it is doing good things for many, clearly.

 It does make me sad, in a way, to think of how it must hurt for the people who are still struggling with infertility and the adoptive moms.  For every woman who complains about her stretch marks etc, think of the many women who would give any thing to be given the opportunity to have them at all.

 On a personal level, it makes me realize that I came away relatively unscathed by the pregnancy and birthing experience, purely from a physical point of view. Even with my ‘olive’ and my bigger hips, feet, hands, butt etc, I still came away less ‘scarred’ than some. I have no stretch marks, a fact which I do not understand at all because I put on 66 pounds in my last pregnancy.  Not that this is any better or worse or any thing at all really, it is merely a superficial observation.

 However, on a deeper level, I was surprised to realize that my underlying emotion was sadness. And that surprised me. I am trying to unpack this reaction.

 Yes, these women are beautiful, and yes these women are marked in beautiful ways by a beautiful, magical and honourable process, the process of pregnancy and childbirth.

 Yet, somehow, if I look at the marked bodies of these women, and my own, and I see the perfect, intact bodies of my children and my husband, I feel sadness.

 It makes me sad is that this process, this rite of passage is such a permanent, scarring one. So few people go through it completely unscathed. Afterwards you are left stretched, scarred and empty. And of course you would do it again and again and again if it meant bringing into the world your magnificent children, but I can’t shake the sadness. And I am not entirely sure why.

 Is it because it is such an intense labour of love that is not revered enough? It is as if the mother is a pupa, a shell, protecting this most wondrous thing inside, that once it bursts through is off on its own journey, leaving behind the shell.

 I don’t know why I feel this way; I can’t seem to find the answer in myself. I am not sure if I am sad because I am mourning the loss of the ‘airbrushed ideal’, or because the pregnant body symbolizes something I fought so hard for for so long, and might not ever see again.  I wish that society really really believed that these were the type of bodies that were truly revered and desirable, but I fear that is a pipedream of mine.

 Is it because I had four pregnancies and only one successful birth? Is it because I know that for many the pregnancies were easily come by where as mine were so traumatic, so devastatingly sad?  I am not sure. Perhaps it is a little of the infertility hangover coming through. I don’t know.

 It was a bittersweet experience for me to view this site. An intense dichotomy.

 I think the site is a wonderful thing, I really do, but I can’t deny that a part of me feels sad. And I am not entirely sure why.

Comments

[Leah]

That site is amazing. To have a collection of so many pro-woman photos, essays, thoughts, etc in one place - it's really beautiful.

Another place that is great is http://www.unassistedchildbirth.com/. Very cool images of natural labor and breastfeeding.

[Beverly]

Wow, what a great idea!

Small-world moment: I just realized that the owner of the site is someone I knew online a few years ago but had lost track of. It's great to "catch up" with her again!

[Heather]

Frankly, I struggled with it quite a lot. I found it hard not to compare and rate how I look versus the posted images, which probably makes me a narcissistic asshole.

I am 9 weeks postpartum from baby number 2, my 4th pregnancy in 5 years. I have scars from a laproscopy a year ago, done to remove a burst left tube along with an ectopic pregnancy. Although I've lost my "pregnancy weight", I tip the scales about 55 pounds more than someone my height should. I am working to establish an exercise regimen and currently healthy eating habits to go along with supporting the breast milk factory (I'm a pumping mom).

I've been tossing around taking the picture because it strikes me if I am that uncomfortable about it, it is worth exploring.

[Kelly]

Oh Tertia, thank you so much for linking this site. The woman that started this project is a friend. I agree, it's pretty powerful stuff.

[Andrea]

Admitting to being a narcissistic asshole here too. I was kind of caught off guard by these pictures. I have one healthy pregnancy behind me, a full-term 39+ weeks with an 8 lb. baby - the other pregnancies didn't last long enough for my belly to expand any :-(. I was 32 when he was born. I have one stretch mark, about 1 1/2 inches, and none of that wrinkly, loose skin. I don't know how I managed to avoid that. I didn't do anything to try to avoid it. I didn't know other women's tummies DO look like that post-partum. I'm neither fat nor skinny - just sort of an inbetween type. I guess I'll have to thank my mother for the good genetics on this one.

[Andrea]

I should have added in the above comment that I am not implying that I have a tight, taut tummy now! I just have tight fat. :-D

[Sarah Cool]

As a 25 year old unmarried woman who has always wanted several children, I was shocked. Honestly. No one ever told me your body changes like that. I was really kind of upset after seeing those pictures - I know that when it comes time to have children, I'll be excited and thrilled and overcome with joy - but those pictures still scares me, right now. Do the majority of women's bodies change like that after pregnancy?

[Jenn]

I love it. I sent in my pictures, but by now they've been buried since so many women have shared their stories.

[Karen]

I'll be honest.

As someone who never got pregnant and wanted it more than anything, and is now adopting, I find the site overwhelming and hard to look at. Mostly because it reminds me that I failed at getting pregnant and that to many people I will not be a "real" mom because I haven't given birth. I think the site is a wonderful idea, but I'm not sure I'll visit all that much.

I wonder how the site owner would feel if an adoptive mom submitted her pictures?

Infertility--and the long, stressful adoption process--has certainly changed my body.

[Michelle]

To Sarah above and those who are scared off pregnacy by this site - it is not inevitable that your body will look like this post-partum! I don't really know about the majority of women, but I know that I look nothing like this and neither do my mom friends that I have seen. I'm 37, had my daughter at 32 and nursed for 2 years. Sure, my stomach isn't what it was at 25, but I don't have stretch marks and can still wear a bikini. My breasts are a little saggier, but nothing a good bra can't help. (I think is is beneficial if you are small breasted to begin with, mine are actually bigger than before, just a bit saggier.) Oh, also check out the real breasts site (a link is on Jo's blog), wow, that one is an eye-opener. We usually just see fake silicone-enhanced boobs, it is great to see what real ones look like.

[victoria]

Well, obviously, if those women on "shape of a mother" just had a little self-respect and dignity and drive, they would read "morphing into motherhood" and would CHOOSE to lose weight and do enough crunches to recover a nice flat belly. They OWE IT to their husbands! The poor bastards who are married to those cows must really feel gypped. Talk about "false advertising." Good lord. I've never seen such a collection of women who obviously lack all self-respect and dignity and have just let themselves go! What do they do, lie around eating potato chips and drinking cola all day?

[Karen]

Holy moly, Victoria. Please tell me you are kidding or being sarcastic.

[Andrea]

I don't know Victoria, but from her tone I'm almost positive she's being sarcastic... referring back to the MIM debacle a few months ago about "False Advertising".

[Boliath]

I hope Victoria is joking...

Karen, the site is called shape of a mother, you are a mother and you have a shape, go ahead, I think your pictures would be welcomed and embraced.

I'm thrilled you posted a link to this site Tertia, thank you. I'm very unhappy with my belly post baby but now I see that I'm better off than some, certainly worse than others too but I can see than every day, once I spot a woman with a child the same age as mine I size her up, if she looks fit and toned, I can't help hating her just a little bit. I try not to but hey I know she's looking at my flabby waist and thinking ha ha get thee to a gym lazy ass.

Anyway thanks, this is brilliant.

[victoria]

Yes, I was referring to MIM's position that fat women lack self-respect and have gypped their husbands with "false advertising" by having hotter bodies pre-marriage than post.

[Stacy]

At 7 weeks post partum I was relieved to find that site via your blog. I have always been thin until infertility struck. I gained weight through all the treatment including 2 IVFs. The second produced my son. I gained 40 pounds during the pregnancy. I feel really fat and gross now. My belly looks a lot like some of those pictures. I have another 12 pounds to lose to get back to my pre pg weight and at least another 5 to get back to my pre-IVF. It's nice to know I am not alone. Thanks.

StacyG

[Stacey]

Love the site. I have the loose skin on my tummy, no stretch marks. I got those on my boobs (which now hang to my knees with 2 years of breastfeeding)

:D

[cath]

love that site. i have pictures that id like to send in. thank you for linking it

[kellygreent]

Karen, I posted earlier - I'm a friend of the site's creator and an adoptive mom of two. I've been looking for a creative way to participate. I *did* gain lots of weight/stretch marks during my "paper pregnancy". Nothing makes the wait pass like Key Lime Pie, right? :)

Email me! Let's put our heads together to come up with a creative way to participate.

[Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah]

It makes me feel normal. I love it for being real.

[Tuesday]

Sicne I had 15+ lbs of kids in me at one time, I love this site.
I am not a freak!

[Karen]

Kellygreen, okay, I will email you as soon as I get word that I'm "officially" a mom! (Hopefully it will be soon, or I will turn into a massive hive.)

Tertia, you said "I wish that society really really believed that these were the type of bodies that were truly revered and desirable, but I fear that is a pipedream of mine."

I think that the pregnancies these women had ARE revered and desirable by society. And I disagree on a certain level--these are also the types of bodies that are revered--fertile bodies. The irony is that whereas society might see a body that has not had a child as more physically and aesthetically "desirable" than one that has, who wouldn't trade an infertile body, no matter how good it looked, for a fertile body?

I'm sad, too, when I look at those pictures. But for different reasons. I read the words of women who say "I love my body because it could produce this perfect child." And I think, "I hate my body--not just because it doesn't look perfect, but because it produced nothing." I read things that talk about how breasts were meant for breastfeeding, and I think, "not mine." I think about what you've written, how you say " It makes me sad that this process, this rite of passage is such a permanent, scarring one. So few people go through it completely unscathed. Afterwards you are left stretched, scarred and empty." Except for the "rite of passage" part, you could be talking about my experience with infertility.

Your post has brought up a lot of feelings I have about my body and its lack. Pregnancy seems to be so much about abundance--getting big, giving life, producing food. Infertility is the opposite--it's about being barren. It's really hard to look at those pictures, though I'm so happy that those women are so proud--that's as it should be. I just wish, as an infertile woman, I could be as proud of my body.

[Karen]

Oops, I meant "who WOULDN'T trade an infertile body for a fertile body." Sheesh. Teach me to proofread. T, could you change that for me? Spanks.

[Shandra]

I like the site a lot. I mean to send in pics - my stretch marks are not as spectacular as some but my shape definitely changed. I lost ass and gained belly.

I have ambivalent feelings about fertility and my body. I'm an incest survivor. But I love what my body can do for me in terms of pleasure - swimming, sex, eating, drinking, dancing. I had 5 miscarriages. Then eventually I produced two beautiful children - but one strangled during labour.

And now it is also my body that picks up my son and holds him and runs with him in the rain. So the positives add up each day, that way. And to Karen - once you have that beautiful MP you will too. Not to minimize your experience, just that layers get added onto it, I think.

[Spacemom]

I mentioned this website to my husband who interrupted with "well this can do no good" and he is right.

Thinking hard on this one...