It has been a long day. I’m tired and hung over. Went to a dinner party last night and had a tad too much wine. Had hardly any sleep last night because Adam was behaving like an industrial strength asshole, waking up every hour and crying. Both kids were in bad moods today and especially clingy and needy.
Eventually it is bath time (praise the lord!). Bath the kids, take them out and as we usually do, let them run around in the nude for a while. Heater on, Marko lying on the bed (watching TV, supposed to be watching them), I am tidying up the bathroom. The kids are in the walk-in cupboard, playing in the section Marko has cleared away for them.
Suddenly, Adam starts crying, not an unusual occurrence, and certainly no different to what he had been doing the ENTIRE fucking day. But it sounded suspicious and so I walked into the cupboard to be greeted by a scene you do NOT want to see when you are tired and hung over.
Kate had poo’ed in the cupboard, and was covered from head to toe in poo. Adam had fallen with his hand in it and was freaking out. There was Kate, grinning at me, covered in shit, and Adam, yelling, staring in horror at his poo covered hand. So I yelled to Marko to grab Adam while I grabbed Kate.
So there I was, holding Kate with one hand, trying my best not to get the shit on me, while furiously scooping the bath toys out with the other hand, flinging them across the bathroom, all the while trying to convince Kate not to sit down yet. In the meantime Adam is still yelling his head off because he has shit on his hand.
Eventually I manage to clean Kate, rinse off Adam’s hand and hand him to Marko to go sit on the bed with him while I rinse the last bits of shit off Kate. As I take Kate out of the bath I accidentally scrape her back against the tap and a sharp’ish point cuts into her back leaving a bloody cut. Kate YELLS, I freak out at the sight of the blood, Marko jumps up, Adam gets a fright and falls over backwards off the bed. He starts yelling as well, Marko freaks out, starts yelling at Adam. Adam is screaming, Marko is screaming at him to stop screaming, I scream at Marko not to scream at Adam, Kate is still screaming. Complete pandemonium.
Eventually we get everyone sorted out, cleaned up, de-shitted, dummy’ed and lovey’ed up. But not before I aged about 700 years.
It has been a loooong, looooong day. That will teach me to have THREE glasses of wine at the dinner party.
As punishment for watching TV while he was supposed to be keeping an eye on the kids, I made Marko clean up the smeared shit. That will teach him.
So, how was your evening?
No pun intended, but HOLY SHIT! After all that I think you deserve a fourth glass of wine!
Posted by: Carolyn | 12 June 2006 at 06:19 AM
We had a similar evening last night except ours involved vomit. I nearly peed when I read your description of the pandemonium...it was almost exactly the same here. Glad to know I'm not alone! Thanks for the laugh!
Posted by: Michelle | 12 June 2006 at 06:42 AM
I feel for you, Tertia, but damn that was funny reading!
Posted by: Colleen | 12 June 2006 at 06:50 AM
Tertia,
You poor thing! I know it was not at all funny at the time and it may never be but your way of writing about it really made me laugh.
My 15 month old did a stunt man log roll down our carpeted basement stairs on Friday - he's fine but I was a wreck and suffered post traumatic stress over it.
Guess I felt I needed to confess to you after all you've shared with us.
Posted by: Too ashamed to admit | 12 June 2006 at 07:20 AM
Absolutely hilarious!!!
The more I read the funnier it became. I laughed so hard my eyes were watering and my gut started to cramp up, then oops, I almost woke the baby.
Having gone through a smear campaign recently I could empathize. I am grateful because my husband also cleaned up the smears. Thank goodness our shitiation was minus the pandemonium.
Hope the babes are doing okay.
Posted by: Sharon | 12 June 2006 at 07:23 AM
Oh dear, what a mess. Tomorrow has got to be a better day, right? My sympathies to all 4 of you.
Posted by: SheilaC | 12 June 2006 at 08:48 AM
LOL!!! It may not seem funny now - but this is a story for their 21st birthday parties!!! hehehe :D
What a blessing - you have poo to clean!!!
Posted by: Lauryan | 12 June 2006 at 10:15 AM
I shouldn't be laughing, but since everyone seems to have survived, I am. The image of a poo-covered Kate in the cupboard is just too much : )
Posted by: Menita | 12 June 2006 at 10:23 AM
In a few weeks/months/years that will most definitely be one of the funnier moments of childhood to remember!
Posted by: Margaret | 12 June 2006 at 11:59 AM
I actually snorted out my nose reading this!! Too funny!
Posted by: Meri-ann | 12 June 2006 at 12:07 PM
Hillarious!! But I do have empathy for you & Marko! Sounds very familiar to the happenings at our house raising the two sets of twins. Thankfully though no more nappies & poo accidents for us, but pandemonium & chaos - often!
Posted by: Martie | 12 June 2006 at 12:21 PM
Now that is a poop story for their baby books! Traumatizing! Off to listen to your radio clip now...
Posted by: Lynnette | 12 June 2006 at 12:55 PM
((((HUGS))))
I giggled a bit because it sounds all too familiar...EXCEPT, you have two darlings. My kiddo is the same exact way about getting "yucky" things on his hands...hell on his entire body.
*cheers* to a better day.
Posted by: Blondie | 12 June 2006 at 02:07 PM
If I hadn't BTDT myself I would swear you'd made that up. Thanks for the laugh and knowing I'm not the only one these things happen to! What is it about kids that they can spot a hangover a mile away?
Posted by: gkk | 12 June 2006 at 02:18 PM
OMG, that almost makes me want to enjoy my time before I have children.
Posted by: jenny | 12 June 2006 at 02:25 PM
I think almost anyone who has raised (or is raising) children can relate to this, Tertia! Okay, I haven't had a kid poo in a cupboard, but I have had a child flip himself backwards off the bed and onto the floor WHILE WE WERE SITTING THERE WITH HIM and we have had the everyone-scream-together-now moments.
(((HUGS))) Maybe Monday is better? LOL
Posted by: Judy | 12 June 2006 at 02:27 PM
Is it a bad thing that I laughed through this entire post?
Posted by: Becky | 12 June 2006 at 02:58 PM
Oh my, you poor thing! A poo covered child is a sight you never want to see. I hope it never happens to you again.
I admit to LMBO! This is definately one of those not funny while it is happening but hilarious after it is over stories. You will be telling their first girlfriends/boyfriends this story.
Off to change a poo here myself.
Posted by: Gina | 12 June 2006 at 02:59 PM
Oh dear, I feel bad for laughing but HAAAA HA HA HA HA. A classic post, thanks for making me laugh when I needed it most!!
Posted by: Sarah | 12 June 2006 at 03:45 PM
Now that is some seriously funny shit :)
Posted by: Jodie Buckland | 12 June 2006 at 03:49 PM
just curious!!! did you take a foto of the scene!!!
(SORRY!!)
Posted by: africatz | 12 June 2006 at 03:54 PM
How shitty T, my vote goes with Carolyn's suggestion (above). And 10 out of 10 to Marko, for helping clean it all up Duncan would have run a mile!
Posted by: Colleen | 12 June 2006 at 04:20 PM
Oh. My. God.
I can relate. But when it happened here, we actually had to throw out the pack and play. It was THAT bad.
Posted by: Dani | 12 June 2006 at 06:09 PM
Holy tar! That was an amazing story! I laughed so loud here at work that people got real quiet to imply, "who is that moron laughing too loudly at work?" Hahaha!
I mean, I'm sorry, whoa, poop everywhere, that sucks.
But wow, it was funny reading!
Posted by: Sarah Cool | 12 June 2006 at 07:06 PM
Our worst household poop incident occurred when I was out clothes-shopping. (Hooray!) The kid was supposed to be taking a nap, and Daddy told him to quit hollering and go to sleep. "Don't you dare come out here. It's naptime. Go to sleep! Stay in your bed!" So the kid pooped in his diaper, took it off, walked on the poop, walked all over the bed with poopy feet, and smeared some on the wall for good measure. Eventually, it's quiet enough for my husband to check on the boy—who is sound asleep, bare butt smeared with poop, amid his poopy footprints. Everything was cleaned up before I got home.
I'm sorry you had the misfortune to be home when your kids had their poopstravaganza!
Posted by: Orange | 12 June 2006 at 08:17 PM
I feel a LOT better about my low-key evening last night. Thanks! At least it makes for a good story, huh?
Posted by: MamaChristy | 12 June 2006 at 08:40 PM
Good lord, woman. I think I'd just have to resume the wine drinking after that mayhem. Sorry.
Posted by: Georgia | 12 June 2006 at 09:43 PM
ohmygod tertia... thanks for my first giggle of the day. sorry about the mess and about kate's back, but i'm sure this will be a funny family story in a week or so :)
Posted by: sabrina | 12 June 2006 at 09:54 PM
Oh Tertia- that's too funny. Not funny ha ha, oh wait. It is. Glad everyone got sorted out and hope you had more wine :)
Posted by: Amy | 12 June 2006 at 10:14 PM
Sorry, this is SO not PC, but I can't help it: I totally have this image of Kate, completely covered in poo, with this big-ass grin on her face, sorta looking like Al Jolson in blackface. Only I guess it would be "pooface" in this case.
Posted by: projgen | 13 June 2006 at 02:13 AM
Better than yours.
Those moments when it just keeps getting worse and worse....oof, what a nightmare. Hope you got a better night's sleep at the end of it.
Posted by: Jody | 13 June 2006 at 05:47 AM
Am I an asshole for laughing until I cried reading that post?
Have you and Marko been able to laugh about this yet?
I know it wasn't funny while you were neck deep in shit, but you have to admit, now that it's all cleaned up and everyone smells nice and fresh again...it's pretty effing funny.
Posted by: heather | 13 June 2006 at 04:32 PM
Oh, my baby went down straight away and slept peacefully while my husband and I fixed some delicious prawn pasta followed by strawberries and and chocolate ice cream accompanied by a nice bottle of chilled white wine.
We then watched the gorgeous Italians playing football. So all in all it was very pleasant indeed. Thank you so much for asking.
Pxx
Posted by: paola | 13 June 2006 at 05:22 PM
Tertia:
From a fellow mom of twins, I was very sympathetic to your plight.. As I read your post, the imagery was so vivid that I really felt like I was there... but this post is one you have to save for Kate and Adam and read it at their graduation party..
Lisa Z
Posted by: zimtwinz | 15 June 2006 at 02:22 AM